Moldy Carpet Finalists!

We Have a Weiner!

NFC Doormat: CAROLINA PANSIES

AFC DOORMAT: DENVER DONKEY-BUNCOS

After careful consideration of the three way tie in the AFC Doormat, the Denver Donkey-Bink-Bunco-Dinky-Bonks have emerged as this year's AFC Champion. Our decision was based on an objective source's rating (pro-football-reference.com's SRS rating), which was the lowest next to Carolina, the incredible slide the Donks pulled from being 2-2 at one point, the complete disintegration of coaching, the losing to teams that were just as bad, and the interesting point that this is the worst season of all their 51 years in Denver. That, and the fact that I always kinda wanted the Raiders or Chargers or Chiefs to beat the stuffing out of them for some reason. So, it's on to:

TOILET BOWL 2011

Carolina Pansies vs. Denver Donkeys

Jan. 10th Kezar Stadium, San Francisco...get your plane tickets! Place your bets!

Doormat Division Weak XIII Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Weak XIII Wrap-up and Disposal

With just 4 games left in the run to the Moldy Carpet, the Basement’s expertise in predicting futile effort and expected results is uncanny. It just might PAY to look at things from the bottom up.

Well, of course it does. That’s why we’re here.

NFC WORST UPDATE

As expected, the Lambs and the Seahags pulled even at 6-6, and next week it’s up to the 0-4-9ers to stop the Seattle juggernaut, and the Saints to burst the Lamb’s balloon, like an undercooked Haggis left out in the sun (which I know is nearly impossible in Scotland, but humor me). With the way the 0-4ers are playing, that won’t be easy, and the Saints have a real knack for playing down to the opposition.

Take yesterday, for example, with their white-knuckle ride through Bunglonia yesterday, the most frightening quagmire since the Dead Marshes in Lord of the Rings.

BUNGLES 30, SAINTS 34

There was a lot of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory yesterday, and let’s start right here. For a team with 10 defeats (welcome to the ‘10’ Club, guys), the Bungles come tantalizing close to nearly winning. They have 5, count’ em, FIVE Futile Comebacks this year. 4 times they have come back from a deficit of 10 or more to score (and be within one score of tie or lead) with not enough time left to get the ball again and win the stupid game. Add to this their 4 Come From Ahead losses and you’ve got a LOT on anguish in the stands.

Trailing 20-6 in the third quarter, the Bungles wake up and stage a furious rally, taking the lead with 4 minutes to go, giving the fans something to expect disaster from and SURE ENOUGH, Drew Brees whips the Saints down the field (or maybe that’s flogs) and throws the game winner with :30 left on the clock. So, a wild wild game but the Bungles come away with the much needed L, and that’s crucial, because…

The RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET GOES THROUGH CAROLINA

PANSIES 14 SEAHAGS 31

Keeping pace with these guys is a CHORE. Good luck, I say. We’ve already got the Pansies wallpaper up, which shows incredible confidence here in the Basement, but I just don’t see these cats faltering.

With four games to go the Pansies have a mere 1 game lead over Detroit, Buffalo and Cincinnati. Surely the Nils or any of these teams have a chance, right? Not so fast. The remaining Pansy puntfests are the Falcons, Crudinals, Steelers, and Falcons again. They’ve got 11 losses and they haven’t even played the leader in their division yet!! The Arizona game is a serious threat to their running the table, as the Cruds are playing as badly badly badly as a team can play. This game is gonna be HUGE. Dec. 19^th- be there.

So let’s say the Pansies WIN a game (oh, come on). 2-14.

Bungles games left: Steelers, Brownies, Chargers, Ravens. Bungles already beat Pansies, so they LOSE tiebreaker. But they DID lose to the Nils. They can’t beat Ravens twice in one year. But Brownies game…red flag. Bungles can’t win another game or they’re toast. They need to run table and have Pansies win 2. Ha.

Kittens games left: Packers, Bucs, Dolphins, Yikings

Kittens lost to Nils. Should do Perfect Fade against Pack and Bucs, Miami is on the road (27 straight losses!) but in danger of winning against Yikings at home. Also cannot afford to win a game, must run table and hope tiebreaker brings the title home.

Nils games left: Brownies, Dolphins, Patriots, Jets. Nils have shown they can have high offense games, and atrocious abominations that make you pull your ear muffs down, close your eyes, and scream. Did you know that Edvard Munch grew up in Buffalo?

I think the Nils are going to get one more W, which is a shocker to say when the early predictions were expecting a potential perfect (0-16) season from these pros.

Which brings us to: Which of these teams is best at Futile Comebacks or Coming from Ahead?

The Detroit Kittens clock in with an a-MAZ-ing 7 Come from Ahead ‘L’s, including yesterday’s debacle against Chicago in the CatBox. It’s going to take a LOT of kitty litter to cover that one. These guys are the Kings of Fade. When the trainers talk about conditioning in Detroit, they’re changing the shampoo in the showers.

Here’s the spread:

Futile Comebacks Come From Ahead

Kittens 2 7

Bungles 4 4

Pansies 4 1

Nils 6 2

Clearly, the Pansies are the boringest, and probably truly the worst team in the league. They can’t even get ahead to blow a lead. Their only Come From Ahead game was just their re-enactment of what they’d do in the Super Bowl. You know how when the underdog in the Super Bowl scores first, but they only get a field goal, and it’s the kiss of death? They never score again until the game is 55-3 in the 4^th quarter? They got their chance in their game against the World Champeen Saints, and that’s as close as they are gonna get so they took it while they could. And their only win, 0-4-9ers, was an attempted Futile Comeback, but they were up against Mike Single-minded in that one and it didn’t work out.

Past that, the other three are neck and neck, though I think the art of Come from Ahead is more likely to consistently produce an ‘L.’

THEREFORE- I think it’s between the Kittens and the Pansies for the Moldy Carpet.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Stiff of the Weak

BUNCOS 6, CHEAPS 10

1 touchdown. 14 punts. 2 lost fumbles. 9-28 on 3^rd down. 3 points in the 2^nd half. Sknxxxnxnxnxnxnxn!

Brownies 13 Dolphins 10

Brownies win 2 in a row. Is it another late season run like I said wouldn’t happen?? Are they “The Pressure’s Off” team of the season?

LAMBS 19, CRUDINALS 6

The Crudinals are playing the worst ball in the league right now and that’s no mean feat in this league this year. 1-11 3^rd down conversion. Derek Anderson outdoes himself with a 29.8 passer rating. The desert just got a lot more desolate.

Kittens 20, Bears 24

As professional a Come From Ahead game as you can draw up. And at HOME.

YIKINGS 38, NILS 14

How was I to know that interception machine Brett Favre would twist his wrist and super mega-star bench guy Tavaris Jackson would come in and bring the lost Yikes safely to port? Just to keep pace, though, he tossed in 3 INTS. Brett got one on his only pass attempt, as well. What a guy. NILS counter with FOUR fumbles.

0-4-9ers 16, Packers 34

My prediction was 34-14. ‘nuff said.

Jaguars 17, Titanics 6

Titanics are all…the…way….back!

Week XII Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude

Points: 6 Cruds, Buncos, Titanics (crowded in here)

First downs: 11 0-4-9ers, Titanics

Yards: 220 Titanics

Rush: 40 Colts (no no no running game)

Pass: 86 Buncos

Turnover: 5 NILS

Punts 9 Brownies

3^rd down conv 1-11 Cruds

penalties 13-105 Raydurz (still the kings here)

poss: 22:02 Titanics

DOOMAT DIVISION WEAK XIII PREVIEW

Doormat Division Weak XIII Preview

Well, I got the Hello Kitty Carolina Pansies wallpaper up and I must say it really does something for the place. It looks ridiculous and covers up the black mold. I guess it clashes slightly with the green shag carpet, but…at least, I think it’s green. It could be red.

Anyway, it’s a festive football atmosphere here in the Basement, and let’s get to what’s on everybody’s mind:

WILL THE NFC WORST MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WEEKEND??

Will we still have a division leader with a losing record????

It’s gonna be tough. How tough? Both Seattle and St. Louis should be .500 by Sunday night. I shay SHOULD.

0-4-9ers at Green Bay. The O-4ers (Oafers) have successfully worn out Frank Gore, and now Brian Westbrook brings his 1-concussion-left cranium to Lambeau field. Can the Niners resist handing him the ball 27 times? NO. Packers decide they are a great team in the middle of the game. 0-4ers don’t argue.

Packers 34, 0-4ers 13

Lambs at Crudinals

Yes, the Lambs, our reigning Doormat 2009 Champs, are leading a division with a losing record. Clearly, greatness does not go unrewarded. But, to lose this one, the Lambs will have to continue the dive-bomb they pulled in the 2^nd half of last week’s game- for the whole game. The Cruds limp into Sunday with a 6 game skid (NFL best), a frustrated quarterback they can’t bench (rookie Max Hall…how bad could he be?), and no answers. The good news in Arizona? Becca is the Cheerleader of the Week.

Lambs 21 Cruds 10

Pansies at Seahags

Another major challenge for the Hags. The Pansies, the cream of the Doormat 2010 season, bring into Seattle a precision-loss team that has had only one blemish all season (of course at the hands of an NFC Worst team, the 0-4-9ers), and shows no sign of slipping up. Hags will have to have a turnover fest, with at least 3 of them inside their own 15 and 1 returned for a TD, to have any chance of losing this game.

Hags 14 Pansies 9

So, we will have to hope for miracles (which happen all the time in the Basement), or just wait for next week, when the Lambs get the Saints and the Hags visit the 0-4ers.

It could STILL HAPPEN, keep the hope alive.

AROUND THE LEAGUE:

Bears at Kittens

The Detroit Kittens are going with Drew Stanton at QB just in time to get sacked 9 times by the Chicago Bears, who have become kinda scary. It’s gonna be a long day at the Cat Box. Stanton has played some this year, and showed excellent Doormat skills with 3 fumbles and an INT against the Giants. Kittens can’t win on the road…byt they can’t win at home either.

Nils at Yikings

The Yikes had their emotional recovery game last week, and that’s gonna be it.

Nils win. Did I really say that?

Brownies at Dolphins

I don’t say much about the Brownies, not like last year, but these guys are still the class of the league. I promise a closer in-depth look at this amazing franchise soon.

Brownies lose easily.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Saints at Bungles

It’s dangerous going into Bunglonia and not coming out with a bunch of fumbles and missed assignments stuck to you, but the Saints will somehow survive this tarpit. Avert your eyes.

Buncos at Cheaps! Raydurz at Chargers!

Another couple of old AFL matchups, and you really can’t say for sure what’s going to happen, but it’s not going to be good for the Bunks or the Raydurz, unless some gris-gris, ju-ju, lucky charms are being waved in that Gorilla mask at Raydur nation headquarters and the Bronco statue on the way to Denver airport.

Good luck teams! Uh, oh, the wallpaper is peeling already. Maybe that old UHU glue stick was a bit on the dry side after all.

The Doormat Division Week X Wrap-Up and Disposal

I had the shrine all ready for the event. The wee pile of plastic NFL helmets, in a cut-out boat made from a 42 ounce can of malt liquor, liberally doused in something flammable.

But it was not to be. The Lambs complied, losing to SF, but the Seahags clobber the rapidly disintegrating Cardinals, leaving one team with a winning record in the NFC Worst. It’s too bad, really, because it might have topped the Dracula vs. Frankenstein pyre me and Walkfish fired up on the back patio lo these many moons ago.

So what have we learned? What you really can’t do is create another Doormat Division out of the NFC Worst. I’m sorry, over here at the basement, we’ve got the best.

And, man, did they ever deliver yesterday.

GAME, and STIFF, OF THE WEAK

Futility Bowl (official designation)

Nils 14, Hello Kitties 12

NILS WIN! NILS WIN! NILS WIN! Okay, stop that. Yes, the Nils have won a game. It was clear in the last three weeks that they were not actually a Perfect Season caliber team, losing in the waning moments 3 weeks in a row. Sooner or later you are going to meet a team DETERMINED to out-Doormat you, and the Detroit Furballs have this down to a science. The Lions have developed a new kind of offense that is catching on around the league: amass over 300 yards passing, but go 5-19 on third down, effectively killing all drives. I see the drive now- start at your 15, connect on an exciting 35 yard pass, throw in a couple 8 yard dinks (51 total yds), then have 2 straight false starts and end up with a 3rd and 18, from which there is no escape. OK? Throw in two 3-and-outs. Lesse, 8 Kitten punts, factor in TWO 3 and outs….6 x 51= 306. Kitties ended up with 314 yards passing with NOTHING to show for it, except field goal attempts Toss in the 11 penalties and you get something significant: 25 Straight losses on the road, breaking the previous mark of 24 set by…the Detroit Lions (2001-03).

Nils counter with season’s first reported Three Stooges Play, 3 defensemen collide while trying to make interception on tipped ball, bang heads, and go sprawling while ball harmlessly falls to turf. Ding! Honk! Played in a soggy downpour, Buffalo cracks out the Fred Jackson show and finally gets out the basement….for a DAY.

"All this killing ourselves and making mistakes, it's almost juvenile," Lions receiver Nate Burleson said. "The mistakes are killing us, and today I really noticed it." Nate, you need to look up from your Gatorade a little more often. It’s been going on for 10 years.

Heisman Trophy Winner Bowl

0-4-9ers 23, Lambs 20 (OT)

0-4-9ers trot out same offense as Kittens, piling up 323 yards, but going 0-11 on Third down. You know, that has to be pretty hard to do. Lambs, not to be completely outdone, clock in at 2 for 14, and that’s with Sam “Third Down” Bradford chucking things up in the air. That takes precision screw-ups. Though there were no turnovers and some fun plays to watch, make no mistake, these two teams were dukin’ it out for who could out-doormat the other. 26 total penalties (season record is 27) for 240 yards. !!! Drive killers every time you look up from your beer that you’ve spilled on the autographed Joe Montana jersey worn by the cranky old bat in front of you. SF had TWO, count’ em, TWO touchdowns called back for penalties. And yet, and yet. They WON. The Lambs are still the Lambs, and they have a losing record. Lambs go 3 and out for the entire 4^th quarter, punting 10 times, just trying to GIVE the game to the Niners, but Niners are having none of it, maliciously punting right back and positioning the Lambs for a game tying FG as time expires.

Exhausted by the effort, the Lambs lie down on Candlestink with a quick 3 and out and let Joe Nedney kick the game-winner for the 0-4ers.

Wow.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Yikings 13, Bears 27

Ok, the Yikes really are officially bad. They aren’t coming back from this.

Bears still the worst team with a winning record. Check out their schedule sometime and you’ll see why.

Bungles 17, Colts 23

Bungles keeping it real with their usual turnover festival. Some of those INTs by Palmer were a good imitation of Derek Anderson. He’s been watching film. The difference is Anderson misses EVERYBODY.

Cardinals (what to call these guys?) 18, Seahags 36

Cardinals also employing Furball Offense. Anderson gets 286 yards, but team counters with 2-11 on third down, 5 sacks and 10 penalties, all false starts. At home.

Cheaps 29, Buncos 49

Buncos explode out of the cellar and start kicking the Cheaps into it. Anyone notice that the Cheaps are 2-4 in the last 6 games? Look familiar?? Raydurs tied for first, and that’s they way to play a bye week, baby. Al Davis’ smile is a rictus and they had to take him to ER last night.

Pansies 16, Bucs 31

Well, what a relief that the Pansies don’t have to explain how they really ARE worse than the Nils anymore. Sadly, they DID clear 100 points for the season, and they were so close to a 100 point differential there…oh wait, they got it.

Cowpies 33, Giants 20

Giants got overconfident, obviously. Playing really sloppy Doormat quality defense, Cowpies get a bunch of huge gains, getting only 15 first downs for the whole game.

Jerry Jones had to go and mess with the team chemistry just when they were getting it all working. We need a new owner down there in Dallas.

Brownies 20, Jets 26

We almost had a tie game. Or do they just keep playing nowadays? Mark Sanchez throws the game winner with 16 seconds left in OT. Brownies playing just good enough to lose.

This week’s Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude:

Points: 12- Lions (that’s the worst you can do?)

First downs- 12 Nils (and they won)

Yards 240 Yikings

Pass 124 Titans

Rush 51 Cheaps (they’re baaaaack!)

TO 5 Bungles

Penalties 12-135 Lambs/ 14-105 0-4-9ers

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!

The Doormat Division Weak X Preview!

Okay, the Oracle has spoken, but that doesn’t mean we can’t FOCUS IN on a couple of choice match-ups.

WE have only one true Doormat tilt this week, Kittens-Nils, and two other intriguing gridiron contests- 0-4-9ers vs. Lambs, and Cardinals-Seahags.

Cards-Hags is probably the worst game of the week. Hags get back Matt Hasselbeck at QB, so PERHAPS they will get more than 8 first downs. perHAPS. Still, they lead the league in least first downs (32nd) , so that means a lot of throwing on third down, and what can the Cards do to stop this? Nothing, really. They are 30^th (out of 32) in the league in giving up first downs, and so…they are slightly better than the Hags here. It’s a game of inches, and these worms will be using every inch on the field to measure progress. However, they are really good at giving up the 12 yard pass on 3^rd and 11, so Hasselbeck must be licking his chops…or maybe that’s just because he’s had so many concussions it’s a sort condition he’s got.

QB Derek Anderson brings his usual 67 passer rating to the contest, and the Cardinals have NO rushing game. Their leading rusher, Tim Hightower, is averaging 42 yds a game. So the only way the Cards are going to score is off Seahag turnovers, defensive touchdowns, and atrocious defense (over 1000yds the last two weeks). This is highly likely. Should have over 22 changes of possession, but score stays under 20. STIFF.

Check out this remaining schedule for the Cardinals: Hags, Cheaps (real team-ish), 0-4-9ers, Lambs, Buncos, Pansies, Cowpies, 0-4-9ers……..That’s (excluding Cheaps, aw) ALL DOORMAT, guys. They've got to win at least two of those- no?

NILS-KITTENS- the game of the WEAK!

Back in Buffalo where the only fans that are showing up for this one are the ones that still believe THIS IS THE WEEK, or they just really need to get out of the house to avoid the police. Nils have decent running game and Kittens have terrible run D. But Nils are the chokingest guys in the red zone when they run the ball- 3 tds.

Kittens have great passing game, but Shaun ‘INT’ Hill is back under rump in place of the all-glass Matt Stafford, so Nils should get some GIFTS. If Nils have a single guy that can blitz (do they have one? Anybody?), they should do this all day. Even during time outs. Kittens have ka-rummy running game (though Jahvid Best was hot at Cal) going against WORST run defense in the league from the Nils- edge to Kittens, If Best gets break-out game, which means he MAY clear 88 yards, Kittens win. If not, Nils actually get off the snide.

And that’s a Snide Field 9 miles wide.

0-4-9ers vs. Lambs

It’s the final countdown to Coach Single-minded’s firing appointment. I think the only reason this guy is not toast is because Niner owner Jed York is totally scared of the dude.

Who can blame him? Troy Smith goes again at QB and last week he played a complete and efficient second half in a winning effort. I give the Niners every chance of winning this game at Candlestink. If they can pull it out, and the Cardinals can pull out a win against the Hags, the ENTIRE NFC WEST WILL HAVE A LOSING RECORD. Here in The Basement we will hold a special ceremony, building a small shrine in the backyard with those little plastic helmets we got as kids that you put the stickers on and hung on a ‘helmet tree’ for all your favorite teams. Then, a liberal dousing of lighter fluid, a quick hymn of “how low can you go?” , toss a match, sniff the carcinogens and other toxins heartily, and then weave back into the darkness and collapse on the sofa we found outside the transient hotel last week. We liked the orange color.

And that’s the view from the Basement!

Weak VI Fun Facts!

When I search for The Doormat Division on Google now, we come up first. None of those places that sell doormats. Google knows what's what.

GAME OF THE WEAK

Raydurz at O-for-Niners

It's bragging rights for whose franchise is more hopeless in the Bay Area, and the Niners are giving the Silver and Blacked out all they can handle- and more. Alex Smith's job is on the line. Mike Singletary's job is on the line. So? Smith will get benched at half-time. Raydurz blitz all day- and win.

Around the league:

Colt McCoy will start for the Brownies against the Steelers, with Ben R. returning from Jerk in Limbo. Steelers pummel Brownies. Good QB name there, though, Colt.

Cows @ Vikes (Bumbler's Bowl): one of these teams is going to be 1-4 after this, and a member of the Doormat.C'mon COWS. Although, for some reason, I'd really like to see Brett F just continue to go down in a slide of bad decisions. This time it's 4 interceptions, courtesy of a sore elbow and a Randy Moss that already has gotten bored.

Seattle @ Chicago: Pansies and Bungles are off this week, so the Hags and the Carebears gotta pick up the slack for Stiff of the Week. Bears worst 4-1 team in football. Cheeps are worst 3-1 team. HAGS lose.

Kittens @ Giants: Kittens high-scoring offense (did I really just write that?) meets reality with Giants brick wall. Giants still totally shaky on offense. Kittens lose.

San Diego @ St. Louis- I see 7 interceptions.

Cheeps @ Texans- could be a hideous game. Bring extra reasons to walk around stadium.

Has anybody noticed that the Atlanta Falcons are the best team in the NFC?

This Week's Debacles

OK, let's see....

Lambs have definite shot at upset over Cardinals. Lambs are playing better ball and the Cardinals are no lock to be on their game. Hey, they LOST to the Niners!

Other than that, I see almost no hope. Deadskins could pull off ANOTHER upset, as the Cowboys aren't much better than the Broncos. In fact, I think they are worse. That's probably asking way too much of them, though, to win two in a row. Think of the partying after the game last weekend. Some of those guys are probably STILL recovering...or are still in party mode.

Titanics no lock to climb out of the cellar completely against the Texans.

OK, so there's three games hanging in the balance. Oh yeah and SOMEBODY has to win Brownies-Kittens, don't they? Or are we predicting a tie?