Hello, Doormat fans. This year the Oracle from the Basement
has decided to up the game and, instead of spinning a frozen turkey on the sticky-with-old-beer
floor of the basement, I have built a catapult in the back yard and am now
launching a frozen turkey into the woods and assigning a score based on
trajectory, distance, and any damage it may cause.
So, with the catapult loaded, we launch for each Doormat
tilt, and here are the prognostications:
Rams- 30
49ers- 6
Last year this would have been a doormat gem, now it’s just
an embarrassing blowout. Goff rides high before coming down to reality in
Dallas in Week 4.
Browns- 17
Colts- 12
Yes, it’s true, the Dolts are favored to lose, even in
Vegas. We may have missed these guys when drafting Doormat teams. Dolts go 0-3.
There is still time to switch…
Giants- 17
Eagles- 21
These teams hate each other. Whether they stink or not, it’s
almost always a good game. But Eli has no line, no running backs, and he can’t
carry a gun on the field in the NFL, so it’s 0-3 for the Giants. NY fans are going to get restless.
Look for a mushroom cloud in New Jersey before this season is over.
Dolphins- 40
Jets-13
Jets get clobbered again, this time by a reborn Jay Cutler.
Go Fins.
Broncos- 21
Bills- 10
Bills could actually win this game. But they won’t.
Saints- 28
Panthers-26
Brees slings 60 passes, Saints find a way to win. Panthers
can’t find the magic and Cam can’t find his receivers.
Steelers- 44
Bears-2
Blowout of the week. At least the Bears are at home so they
can have dinner at Butkis’ steak house in the Loop—if he lets them in, that is. Probably not.
Bengals- 17
Packers-35
Pack wakes up for one game. Bengals on way to epic crumble.
Chiefs- 26
Chargers-10
Welcome to LA, Bolt Heads. The fans in Tinsel Town and SD all hate you.
Chiefs are on way to AFC championship game. Don’t trip over Chargettes, guys.
Texans- 10
Patriots- 36
Pats play bad first game, as usual. Everyone thinks it is over—every
year—and then Pats run the table for the last 13 games. I hate the Pats, but
Toxins are the greatest crap team in the NFL. Posers.
Seahawks- 17
Titans- 21
What can I say? Seahags are in deep doo doo. Who will get
blamed?
Cowboys- 17
Cardinals- 14
Pokes get a win. Cards get to look bad at home. What’s wrong with these guys anyway? They should win this division, but it doesn’t look like they will even win $2 playing instant winner in the lottery this year. Pokes get Lambs next week, at home. I want to see that game.
Pokes get a win. Cards get to look bad at home. What’s wrong with these guys anyway? They should win this division, but it doesn’t look like they will even win $2 playing instant winner in the lottery this year. Pokes get Lambs next week, at home. I want to see that game.
Raiders-38
Redskins-21
It is really great that the Rrrrrrrrraiders are NOT a Doormat these days. Meanwhile, in DC, hey, how much are we paying that Cousins guy again?
And that's it from the Oracle. Gentlemen, make your predictions!
I'd take the Dolts in a heartbeat if I didn't already have the Nyets. Dolts need to move to the NFC. They need more bad teams.
ReplyDeleteLambs-Whiners game should be epic Doormat struggle, no matter how much better the Lambs think they are. The only two games the Whines won last year were against L.A. If they can't beat the Lambs...the abyss is the limit.
ReplyDeleteprobably should adjust the Pats toxins score -The Pats will win but JJ Watt and co. will have something to say about the spread.
ReplyDeletealso Andrew Luck will be back this season. no one seems to be saying when. that keeps us in limbo.
We DO NEED MORE Bad teams in the NFC.
the Chagrins have lost 2 straight via the same "icing the kicker by calling TO just after the snap" trick. WOW.
when is last time both NY football teams started 0-3? possibly 0-4. heck why not 0-6!
And finally, are the HAgs ready to join us in the basement? losing to the Titans is a BIG step there
my game to watch is Ain’ts vs Newts. more fumbling and punts and sacks then you average speed potato peeling competition.
I didn't know about the Chagrins double-whammy. That's just..voodoo.
DeleteWell I was wrong. Lambs win, but not a blowout, even though it almost was. 4th quarter was wild, and this turned out to be a Doormat classic. 0-for-9ers narrowly missed a rare chance to win and stay on track, though they blew a chance to go three games without a TD to start the season and make Doormat history. Looking down the schedule tgere are not many games they could win...
ReplyDeletewhadda game!!
DeleteI was a teepee and a pup tent last night - too tense! Total schizoid as I couldn't decide until the final play who I wanted to lose. I'm slowly realizing that I am on track to be the biggest Doormat winner this season if I stick with these two teams.
ReplyDeletethat was an extremely amusing game. I think the Rams are going to provide a bunch of those. Back-pedaling Jared Goff is pretty dang accurate.
Delete