This week I am sitting in an urgent care in chilly Madison, Wisconsin, thumbing away on my schmart fon and snuffling through a snot storm. This after a morning launching frozen turkeys off the Doormat Siege Engine from the 50 yard line of Ft. Randall Stadium (home of the Badgers) and base scores on which row the turkey lands in. It's part of the Doormat Siege Tour 2017. Not exactly scientific, but hey, I'm the oracle, it's magic, and it's fun. I got then entire freshman class to join me, and they brought a lot of great local beer. Unfortunately, drinking and launching turkeys don't always mix well. I managed to accidentally launch myself while loading a turkey. Made it to row 18. So here I am at Urgent Care.
But the Badgers back at the stadium finished the job and sent me the final results. And here are this week's predictions and spreads:
Dolphins- 10 (-10.5)
Falcons- 24
Bears- 10 (-2)
Ravens- 13
This will be a tough one for the Bears. Ravens are playing some serious doormat football. Bears will need at least two trick turnovers and a few key personal fouls or Ravens get the loss.
Browns- 5 (-16.5)
Texans- 24
Vegas is giving 18 on the spread but we think Browns can beat that.
Patriots- 17 (-2)
Jets- 23
Oddsmakers put Pats on top. But Jets are stoked, have some offense, can make big plays, Pats give up over 7 yards per play, a record, and Jets will surge out of the basement with a euphoric win over a hated rival before going 0-10 to close the season.
49ers- 12 (-11)
Redskins-28
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Chargers- 17
Raiders-10 (-1)
Game of the week. Vegas is actually picking Raydurz, but the turkeys bouncing off the bleachers ar Randall Stadium and we Doormat denizens know better. True to a doormat tilt, neither team scores from outside the Red Zone and three turnovers in the game will result in no points. Raydurz are baaaaack.
Giants- 10 (-15)
Broncos- 27
I am no longer surprised. Gnats are unstoppable.
Colts- 17
Titans- 17
Oddsmakers have NO spread on this game. There will be a lot of something spread for this stiff of the week, but definitely not enough points for a loss. Last week I was driving through Illinois and picked up the Indy broadcast of the Colts' boring OT win over...somebody. It was a game nobody could win...or lose. Futility in OT is surreal.
Anyway, post game the Indy announcers were excitably discussing the fact that the Colts are still in the hunt for the division title. Boy, you are a doormat in a weak division when you are under .500 after five weeks, have not had a single game with a string of scoring drives, and you are still talking playoffs. It's what true doormat fans live for.
The Oracle has spoken! (And it is time for my x-ray.)
Trubinsky still starting for daBares. Carr back under rump for the Raydurz, so they may pull that one out. Should be a game with about a million mistakes. I think Hogan is still set to start for the Clowns, though that may not matter.
ReplyDeleteThought Carr was coming back next week. Raiders should keep him out 8 weeks and start preparing for next year. I worry it will truncate his career. Remember Romo?
DeleteYeah, that's the news down here. We'll see what happens game day. Cam Newtown also had the same thing, but was OK after he came back (not the shoulder problem he had last year...I think).
Deleteanother old gem I came across: "If you can't hold a lead, don't get one."
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. Fear of excellence is often the hallmark of a perennial loser.
Deletei have friends that pursue this motto!
DeleteAre you bringing the turkeys to the patio for the grill?
ReplyDeleteYeah. they are a little banged up, but well tenderized. I think Alpha Kegga Pee marinated them in beer too.
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