Monday, October 16, 2017

WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and PARITY PARTY

PARITY IS A...SIX LETTER WORD
BROWNS AND NINERS BURN THE BACON PROPERLY,
EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDS TO DECIDE

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK SIX

NFC
                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF
SANTA CLARA         0-6            113      146   -33
NY GIANTS               1-5            105     132    -27
CHICAGO                 2-4            105      148    -43
ARIZONA                  3-3            119      158   -39
DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7

AFC
                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF
CLEVELAND            0-6           94       157    -63
INDIANAPOLIS         2-4          119      195   -76
OAKLAND                2-4           124     126     -2
LA CHARGERS        2-4           116     131    -15
CINCINNATI              2-3           84       83       +1


BROWNS LOOK UNSTOPPABLE

BROWNS 17, TEXANS 33

The Clowns did it all yesterday-  piles of penalties, dropped passes, 3 interceptions, flailing defense, and a sequence of possessions that goes into the Doormat Hall of Fame. 

Here's the sequence:  1st quarter-  Punt, Punt (both 3 and outs), then arduous 10 play drive that pays off with Kevin Hogan interception returned 82 yards for Texan TD.  Following up five plays later, Hogan whips another interception!  Then, Punt, Punt (both 3 and out) and then 5 play INTERCEPTION drive!  Then after the half,  PUNT (3 and out, thank you), SAFETY (variety is the spice of life),  Punt (5 plays...why?), PUNT, PUNT...and....FUTILE TOUCHDOWN with 01:49 left on the clock.  Scoring your only offensive touchdown with less than 2 minutes to go in the game is a must, if you want to compete in this league.

Wait, that's the whole game. I missed a field goal in there, somewhere.  But there are things to learn here-  Any drive going over 3 plays should then be terminated with an interception. Can you just feel the suspense for Brown fans when Blank Helmet Football creeps past the 4th play on any drive?

SO, WHAT NOW, CLEVELAND?

The Blanks have had 3 winning seasons since 1988.  Three.  Remember, they left town, and, insanely, a NEW Browns team was created, molded from the mud at the Mistake By the Lake, no doubt.  In an effort to help, the Doormat Division held an official conference yesterday with the Commissioner of our august organization conducting the proceedings.  We even kicked the 'possum out onto the patio, we were so serious.

OUR OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATION (should you want to win a game):

Fire your GM. Twice. Then fire (1-21) Hue Jackson, once he gets back from swimming in Lake Erie. Now. He doesn't even get to change out of his wet suit. Then hire someone to run a read-option offense (Chip Kelly is so available he isn't even wearing Oregon colors...whatever those might be).  Sign Colin Kaepernick, and start a fire under everybody's butts. Compared to what's going on now, these are GOOD IDEAS.  That says something, all right.

Then SELL the team to a new owner, preferably a consortium of rock stars and hip-hop artists (Duffy, Puff Daddy, Jay Z, Sammy Hagar, Alice Cooper...u-pick), partner with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, have a roster of performers for the National Anthem that just blows your mind, and change this:

The name of the team.  That's right- screw it. Can we stop kidding ourselves that there is a thing called a Brown? Go for the Rockers, put a clenched fist on the helmet...or just design the helmet to look like a rock. Please, GOD, put something on the helmet.  Commit to something.  Anything.  Paul Brown's HAT.  Cleveland Rockers.

Uniform:  minimize the orange, wear white pants, DARK DARK brown jerseys. STOP trying to lighten the brown. Whoa that light brown and bright orange is embarrassing for a Division 3 school- and at least they'd have something on their helmet.  


But, who are we to question excellence in ineptitude?  

Browns were 0-6 this time last year, and they're 0-6 now. The Pumpkin Heads have every chance at going 0-16, and all that money raised last year for the Perfect Season Parade- they should have just put it into a savings account, and waited.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

49ers 24, WASHINGTON 26
0-6 and leading the league in penalties and dropped passes, and second in missed tackles, the Whiners lose again by the second closest of margins, staging yet another Futile Comeback. Hands of stone, brains of oatmeal, and reaction times of a three-toed sloth, the Forty-Whiners stand atop the NFC standings, in the clear air, sailing free of the clutter of focus, discipline, and execution...though that might be a word with different meaning down south in Santa Clara this morning.  Backup rookie QB C.J. Beathard made his debut for the 49ers yesterday, and he's trouble. They may win a game with him around.  He, at least, looks like a QB from the 70's- nice 'stache.  

GIANTS 23, BRONCOS 10
Okay!  The Giants won a game! Celebrate Giants fans!  Who knows when these times will come again. Except 3 weeks from now in Santa Clara where the Whiners are gonna hand you victory #2.

JAGUARS 17, RAMS 27
We may have Bro-Cha-Cho'd the Jags, but they still can't win two in a row, so hold the confetti. The RAMS, however, are not the Lambs anymore. Just get to 8 victories, you bums, and you'll be in the promised land of Parity Parity Parity!  The thrill of being average!

CARDINALS 38, BUCS 33
Staked to a huge lead, 31-6, the Cruds pulled out all the stops and nearly lost the game, which would have been an all-time kablooey, but it was not to be. 3-3 and just mediocre.
Bucs fall to 2-3, and hey!  We know these guys!  

RAVENS 24, BEARS 27
daBares got a pick-six, and punt return for a TD, and running back Tarick Cohen threw a TD pass off a pitch-out. They need all the help they can get...and they're getting it. The Ravens just flat-out outplayed the Bears.  Ravens could lose 10.

DOLPHINS 20, FALCONS 17
Coming into this game, the Dolphins had scored 3 touchdowns. With yesterday's explosion of two TD's, this should cause complete exhaustion going into next week's gritty battle with the Jets. The Fins are averaging 12 points a game, yet have 3 wins. The Jets and Fins should be Doormats, but at 3-3 and 3-2, I shouldn't even be writing about these guys. So confusing.

RRRRAIDERS 16, CHARGERS 17
The Raydurz, oh my, are BACK.  2-4, and starting to look like one of those Jack Del Rio Jaguar teams where just about everybody knows what play they are going to call. The Chargers may lead the league in missed tackles, but the Raiders fixed that problem,by A, not blocking, and B, out-bumbling the Chagrins, and not covering running backs on pass plays. Look, you can't do everything. Pick your battles. 

Charred QB Philip Rivers avoids playing catch with the wrong team, which is easy to do against a team that does NOT have an interception yet this season, and they win their second in a row.  Sure it was the Giants and Raiders.  But if you can't to lose to these guys, you aren't winning the Moldy Carpet.  Raiders get to turn around and play the CHIEFS this Thursday night. Look Out.  2-5 looms. 


Lots of Parity Division going on, makes for an exciting schedule, and by week 8, we should have the crumble factor in full swing.

Monday Results

COLTS 22, TITANS 36
Colts build mirage lead, finally cave because they lead the league in points given up!  195 big ones, baby, and next week they will clear 200 no problem.  The Colts also have a point differential of -76, with only the Browns (-63) anywhere close to them.  

Huge implications in this one.  We have a big fat 2-4 logjam for 2nd place in the AFC  


aaaAAAAAAND TTHAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!



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