DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 6: PARITY PARTY

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 6

AFC

KANSAS CITY        1-5        -79

CLEVELAND          1-5        -29

JACKSONVILLE    1-4        -73

OAKLAND              1-4        -61

TENNESSEE           2-4        -90

NFC

NEW ORLEANS     1-4       -13

CAROLINA             1-4       -33

DALLAS                  2-3       -25

DETROIT                 2-3      -11

TAMPA BAY          2-3      +19

It's a real dogfight in the AFC, as 4 teams still only have one victory, and right now only Cleveland looks like they are losing the losing touch.

There were FOUR interceptions returned for TDs yesterday (pick-six)!   Who knows what would have happened if Blaine Gabbert and the Jaguars had been playing.  Brett Favre's all-time record of 32.3 is still safe, though.  How do you get a third  of a pick-six?

THE GAMES

BROWNS 34, BENGALS 24

BROWNS WIN!  BROWNS WIN! Twice a year they play the Paul Brown memorial game, and you never know who is going to win this one.  But we picked the Browns this time, and the Bungles obliged!  29-year-old rookie Brandon Weeden throws 2 TD passes and just one INT.  Bungles QB Andy Dalton throws 3 and the killer Pick-Six in the 4th quarter that pretty much iced the game.   Brownies snap their 11-game losing streak, which tied the franchise record.  Brownies fall out of first in the AFC Doormat.    

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BUCCANEERS 38, CHIEFS 10

Stick a fork in 'em-  they're done!   Cheaps QB Brady Quinn steps in for the injured Matt Cassell and has a Stiff of the Week kind of day-  2 INTS, one Pick-Six and no touchdowns.  The Cheaps only TD was on a hilarious fumble return off a botched punt at the Bucs own 11.   The Cheaps are so bad they managed to get completely blown out by the Bootineers.   Solidly in 1st place in the AFC,  and if the other teams don't get their mojo out of town soon, they won't keep pace with KC.   Bucs drop to 5th in the NFC Doormat (2-3) and have a gaudy +19 points.   This is the Blowout of the Week, because it's one Doormat just thrashing another, but let's face it-  the NY Giants pummeling the 49er 26-3 was the unmatched beat-down of Week 6.

DOLPHINS 17,  RAMS 14

As close as we're going to get to a Stiff-of-the-Week this week, the Lambs rack up 462 yards of offense and LOSE.  The 12 perfectly timed bone-head penalties really helped offset the fireworks.   The Floppers, by contrast, 'pile up' 192 yards of offense, with a stunning 12 on the ground, scrape up 12 first downs and WIN the game.   Miami pulls to 3-3 in the parity party that is the AFC East (all 3-3).

SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY!!

FALCONS 23, RAIDERS 20

What's that, you say?  It's a Carson Palmer Bengals jersey, torched in a Cincinnati backyard a couple years ago.  Yesterday,  Palmer may have burned his own jersey.  Driving towards the go-ahead FG or touchdown late in the game yesterday, on the verge of pulling off the biggest upset in the league this year, Palmer throws the dagger Pick-Six to Asante Samuel- a 79 yard return to paydirt.  Palmer then tied the game with a brilliant drive, only to have the Raydur defense lie down and guide the Falcons down the field for the game winning FG as time expired.   Raydurz 1-4 and they must now focus on being the worst, because being even mediocre is going to be a lotta work.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

LIONS 26, EAGLES 23 (OT)

The Lions may be bad, but the Eagles can pull out the bad and stink up their own stadium better than anybody on any given day.   Michael "Fumbles" Vick loses another one on the carpet and cashes in 2 INTs.  The Lions set the season record so far for penalties with an incredible 16 for 132 yards. That's going to be hard to top.  But they WON.  Kittens fall out of 3-way tie for 1st.   Andy Reid on the hottest hot seat in the NFL.  

JETS 35,  COLTS 9

Dolts (2-3) get back under .500 with a flurry of turnovers (4).  Andrew Luck finds out what getting blown out feels like.

The rest of the Division went golfing (Aints, Gaguars, Pansies).

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 6

Points:           3         49ers (and they're lucky they got that)

first downs:   12       Dolphins

Yards:           192     Dolphins 

Rush:            12       Dolphins

Pass:             141     Bills

Turnovers     4         Colts, Bengals

INT               3        49ers,  Bengals

fumbles lost   2        Colts

sacked:          5        Cardinals

least sacks:    0        Buccaneers (as in, defense)

punts:           8         Browns,  Bills

penalties:     16- 132   LIONS

time of poss:   19:57   Ravens

     

 AAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

NFL WEEK 6: AFC Those Potholes are Really Canyons

IT'S WEEK 6!!!!!!!!

Let's have a visit with our Loss Leaders, and view the rough road ahead.   Today, the AFC

AFC

CLEVELAND BROWNS  (0-5)

Can the Brownies keep losing every week?  They have done something few 'losing culture' teams do- they've flipped the method.  Instead of decent defense and zero offense, they've gone with atrocious defense and wide-open, error-prone offense.   It's impressive.  The only team left with a perfect record, the Brownies are holding a bake-sale this Sunday against the always schizoid Cincinnati Bungles, who are coming off their worst game of the year, losing to the Floppers.   Brownies nearly pulled off a comeback in the first game against the Bungles, and Brandon Weeden had his best game of the year.   652 Tickets still available for you masochists out there.

LOOKING AHEAD down the Pothole Highway:    

Colts (L),  

Chargers (L), 

Ravens (L), 

Dallas (w), 

 Steelers (L), 

Raydurz (?),  

Cheaps (w),  

Redskins (L),  

Broncos (L), 

 Steelers (L)

Predicted Finish:   3-13  somehow, they'll get 3.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS  (1-4)

Like a lot of our leaders this week, the Gaguars have the week off and Blaine Gabbert is busy studying the HOW TO THROW A TD PASS TO  YOUR OWN TEAM booklet.  It was discovered he'd been reading HOW TO THROW A TD PASS TO THE OTHER TEAM (by Brett Favre $9.95 on Amazon), which explains why he threw 2 of them last week.   Now that that has been cleared up, the Gags can look forward to this:   Organized, institutional losing.

down the Pothole Highway:  

 RAIDERS (L)- gonna be tough to blow this one.  Gags will have to really hunker down and make Carson Palmer look like a 'franchise' player instead of the guy who took most of the Bunglonian Fog with him when he left Cincinnati.   If they concentrate on getting the Raiders running game going, they got it.

GREEN BAY (L)- only the Gags can make the Packers look like world champs again, and they'll be up for it.

DETROIT (L) - the reeling fur balls from Purr City get to make like...Lions.

COLTS  (L)-  Andrew Luck has figured it out.  The Gaguars have too.

TEXANS (L)-  right about here all the air will be gone

TITANS (?)-  Nov. 25th This game will be huge in the doormat, where the Gags and Titanics will duke it out for first place in the AFC, as Cleveland will have at least 1 win by this time.

Then, the murderer's row:  

BUFFALO, NY JETS AND MIAMI.   Can they lose to all of them?  What an accomplishment if they do.  The Nils, Jets and Flops couldn't pull it off.  

NEW ENGLAND (L)

TITANICS:  final game of the year for all the marbles in the Doormat AFC

PREDICTED FINISH: 2-14

TENNESSEE TITANICS  1-4

The surprise team of the Doormat in the AFC this year, the Titanics are giving up 36.2 points a game, narrowly edging Beefalo.   Buffalo.  Sorry.  And now they roll out Matt Hasselbeck for an encore performance tonight against the Steelers.  The Steelers are no piece of cake for the loss-  despite the Titanics anemic running game, the Steelers boast an anemic rush defense and if you have a poor defense against the rush then I don't recommend putting a paper bag over your head and having a buddy supercharge it with a massive hit of mind-bending smoke.   

Where were we? 1973? The Steelers lost to the Raiders, for God sake, and made their running game look great (Darren McFadden is a great RB, but the blocking 'schemes' are something you'd see out of Mr. Bean or My Name is Earl).   If the Titanics can lose tonight, they are on their way.  But just like the Jags, they have to contend with the BILLS, JETS, DOLPHINS trifecta.

Down the Pothole Road:

BUFFALO (L)  a million points in this one?  Can the Titans accept the largesse?

COLTS (L)

BEARS (L)  

DOLPHINS (?)

GAGS (?)

TEXANS (L)

COLTS (?)

JETS (L)

PACKERS (L)

GAGUARS-   as above, potential AFC Championship game

PREDICTED FINISH  3-13

KANAS CITY CHIEFS (1-4)

We've certainly got parity in the Doormat- we've got EIGHT teams with one win.  SOMEBODY has to win a second game, and the Cheaps are up against it with the Buccaneers (1-3) this weekend.  Doormat legend Brady Quinn steps onto the gridiron to start a game for the first time in three years, as Matt Cassell sits this one out, still woozy from his concussion and ringing in his ears from the fans cheering like crazy when they realized he was not getting up.   The Cheaps defense is helping immensely, though, to insure losses, and I think they should make it through this one.  Barely.  The Bucs are may be chopped liver, but the Cheaps are toast.  I actually think Quinn will play better than Cassell just long enough to bring it down to a field goal.  Cheaps still horrible in the red zone.

Down the Pothole Road:

BYE (W)

RAIDERS (??)

CHARGERS (L)

STEELERS (L)

BENGALS (L)

BRONCOS (L)

PANTHERS (W)

BROWNIES (L)

RAIDERS (??)

COLTS (?)

BRONCOS (L)

PREDICTED FINISH 4-12

OAKLAND RAYDURZZZZ  (1-4)

The perennial under-achievers of the AFC West, the Raydurz are way under .500 and haven't played well ever since Jason Campbell was unceremoniously thrown to the bench and under the team bus after Carson Palmer arrived.  Campbell may not have been Andrew Luck, but he had figured out how to play smart and they were winning games they should win.  Palmer has no idea. He has an arm. They are not even close to playing smart with Palmer at the helm, but you can never, EVER blame losing on a player when it comes to the Raider way.  It appears to not matter that Al Davis is dead.  Amazingly, it's IRRELEVANT.  This kind of losing is done by coaching it.  I've heard that Darren McFadden is the most exciting RB in football so many times that I just sit and stare at my blacked-out TV and listen to Greg Papa on the radio tell me he's been stuffed for a 1-yard gain.  Nice blocking, guys.  Also, the Raiders fired their entire defensive secondary and replaced it with guys who are no better (and yes some injuries), and maybe worse.  

Lucky for the Silver-and-Blacked Out, they had the week off, so a real team can win a game at the Oakand Coliseum (the A's!!), but now they get to LOSE an easy one to the Falcons.  However, their schedule contains the cream of the Doormat and it's going to be hard to lose them all and take the MOLDY CARPET.  

Down the Pothole Highway:

FALCONS  (L-L-L)

GAGUARS (w)

CHIEFS  (?)

TAMPA (L)

BALTIMORE (L)

SAINTS (L)

BENGALS (L)

BROWNIES (?)

BRONCOS (L)

CHIEFS (?)

PANTHERS (W)

CHARGERS (L)

PREDICTED FINISH 5-11

aaaAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 5 Preview

Brady Quinn goes up against some tough defense

The Doormat Division Week 5 Preview

(Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose.)

This week’s installment of NFL tragi-comedy features some matchups that has Doormat teams everywhere calling NFL commish Roger Goodell and asking for the bye week THIS week.  No dice.  Get your butt out on the field.

Ravens (3-1) at Chiefs (1-3)

Cheaps QB Matt Cassell is putting up Doormat All-Star numbers through Week 4:  5 TDs against 7 interceptions (2^nd place), 13 sacks (4^th), 70.4 rating, not a single completion over 33 yards- all adding up to a powerful ranking of 29^th in the NFL. 

Time to bench this perennial disappointment?  It depends- do you want to win the Moldy Carpet?  Yes?  Then bring in back-up and Doormat God Brady Quinn!!  And you thought he was running a waffle house back in Columbus.  It’s a shame Brady hasn’t been able to find a team bad enough to get a few starts in, because the memories from his days guiding the Brownies to 9 punts and a field goal are still as vivid as my experiences this week after eating a hamburger of dubious lineage at It’s Tops!  Who can forget the Brownie Bomb: the screen pass that sailed over the entire bench and into the crowd with startling accuracy?  The two-skip passes that would’ve looked great if we’re skipping stones on Lake Erie? The 3 and outs that ate up at least :35?  A career passer rating of 66.8 and no stats for the last two years as the Mighty Quinn has been the secret weapon kept on ice by- who knows? 

So, forget it, Cheaps fans, Cassell it is, and good luck to ya.   Now, having said all that, the Ravens can turn in a real stinker on occasion and the Cheaps are going to be really desperate today.  1-3 and the season fading fast……

EDGE: CHIEFS

Browns (0-4) at Giants (2-2)

The Brownies are not better- just different.  Last year at this time they were 2-2, and don’t you forget it.  Brownies QB Brandon Weeden will need at least 2 interceptions to regain the INT King lead, but I think his -4  league leading TD/INT (3-7) ratio is not in danger.  Giants keep everybody in the game, and if it comes down to a field goal the Browns have the foot in Phil Dawson, a perfect 8-8 and 4-4 from over 50 yards.  

EDGE:  Browns, but juuuuust barely

Bears (3-1) at Jaguars (1-3)

The Bears, as usual, have not beaten a team with a winning record yet this year.  The Jags last victory was two weeks ago.  Make that three weeks.  The Gaguars are money in the Doormat Division.

EDGE:  JAGUARS

Dolphins (1-3) at Bengals (3-1)

The Bengals are second in the NFL with 16 sacks, and rookie Flopper QB Ryan Tannehill gets to check it out first hand.  If they can’t get to Tannehill, look out- the Bengals do give up points and passing yards.

EDGE:  DOLPHINS

Texans (4-0) at Jets (2-2)

Texans should just pummel the Jets for two humiliating defeats at home in a row for Rex Ryan’s lost army.  If Mark Sanchez doesn’t do something quick, like avoid 9 punts and a goose egg, Ryan is going to have to think about something he doesn’t want to think about.  Timmmeeeeeee!  WR Santonio Holmes is out.  What else can happen to the Jets?

EDGE:  JETS

Bills (2-2) at 49ers (3-1)

Democratic Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick should get back in front of Tony Romo in the INT race, and maybe even chalk up another INT for a TD.  The possibilities are endless for this game.

EDGE:  BILLS

Titans (1-3) at Vikings (3-1)

The Titanics wheel out museum piece Matt Hasselbeck and stun the Vikes.   Vikings still beat them.

EDGE:  Titans

Packers (2-2) at Colts (1-2)

The Dolts rest a week, make a good game plan, and Andrew Luck shreds the Packer defense while Aaron Rodgers tries to get his sack lead back.   Colts win.

EDGE:  Meat Packers

Seahawks (2-2) at Panthers (1-3)

Cam “gimme the ball” Newton gets a win.  Somebody has to have a losing record in the NFC West.

EDGE: Seahawks

Chargers (3-1) at Saints (0-4)

This is, without a doubt, the most improbable combination.  Somehow the Chargers are 3-1 and the Saints have stumbled so badly that the paper bags are coming out in New Orleans.   Norv Turner will have his team ready for this one.  They get the loss.

EDGE:  Chargers