WEEK 15 REPORT: Turn off Your Mind, Relax and Float downstream. And Fumble.

BROWNS REACH NEW LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS!

49ers ACHIEVE HISTORIC LEVELS OF...OF...

BEARS DO IT AGAIN!

JAGS TRYING SO HARD TO BE THE WORST!

VIKINGS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! WITH A HAMMER!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      0-14
Jacksonville -   2-12
NY Jets -          4-10
San Diego -      5-9
Cincinnati -       5-8-1


NFC
San Francisco - 1-13
Chicago -           3-11
Los Angeles -     4-10
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-9

Arizona               5-8-1

THE GAMES

BROWNS 13, BILLS 33
The Browns haven't had a lead since 7-6 at halftime of the Nov. 10th game vs. the Ravens.  They're 3-27 over the last two years. They knew the Bills were going to run the ball yesterday, and, sure enough the Bills ran the ball...280 yards of it for a 7.0 per run average.
The Browns opened the game with a 12-yard run for a first down- which was nullified by a holding penalty.  Welp!  Time to hit the tailgate out in the parking lot! I'll refill the cooler! Please don't text me. 

The Brownies are in the Blank Zone. The Blank Helmet Zone. They are, literally, The Blanks. They are free of hindrances, the way ahead is open, I can hear a parade of sorts: a grimy, kicked to the curb kind of parade, I hear car horns and smell fumes and a barrel of tallow behind the dumpster in back the greasy spoon serving Brownie Bake Sale items.  Bring back Chomps. Somebody go to the Dawg Pound and find something, anything, to take to an off-leash area (say, the 45-yard line) and see if something happens. But bring your plastic bags.
Next loss: at San Diego.  Well, at least they'll get warm. 

49ERS 13, ATLANTA 41,OOO
Has anybody noticed that the Falcons are kinda doing a Doormat Blow-Out Tour?  This game coulda been a 600 yard, 60 point affair. Whiners hit milestone...and had to be carted off the field. They are now not only the losing-est team in 49er history (and there's been some lulus), they also have given up more yards than any 49er ever ever ever. 38 years kind of ever. Yesterday's 500 Falcon yards put them well over the top. But it wasn't called a Falcon 500. It was a Galaxy 500.

As usual, the Whines were kind of playing football for the first half, and then did not play football for the 2nd half (yet there was a game going on!), scoring zero points and amassing 4 first downs. That's grit. Like sand in your hot dog in the dark by the smoky fire at the beach grit. They are nothing if not consistent, and, they are also nothing. The Yin and Yang of their losing perhaps surpasses the Browns.  But the Browns still have the big zero, so shut up.

JAGS 20, TEXANS 21
I really do wish someone had the nerves to beat the Texans. The Jags tried so hard to lose this- only 9 first downs and 12 penalties, I mean that's trying- but there they were, yet again AHEAD (20-10) for no good reason going into the 4th quarter.  The Gaguar offense punted mercilessly for the entire second half, thwarted only by an errant kick-off return for a touchdown that put the whole thing in jeopardy.  But the non-offense pulled it off, and the defense got tired and there was no coffee (they also ran out of cups, but that's actually a different subject).   Jags right behind the Whines and Blanks at 2-12. 

LAMBS 3, SEAHAWKS 24
Yes, I know this was on Thursday, which is like an ice age ago in football, but I just want to point out that the Lambs keep scoring less and less points and are still under 200 (197) points scored for the year.  Wouldn't that be something if they could hold it there?  It would be a fitting tribute to fired coach Jeff Fisher, the only 'mercy firing' I've ever seen in my entire life. Or maybe he went in there and begged to get fired to avoid becoming the losing-est-est coach of all time.  I dunno.  They should have had this one still count on his watch.  Just to give him something to remember his time in the NFL by.  Bye-bye Jeff!  The Doormat was your friend.  No, you can't come in.  I said "WAS."

VIKINGS 6, COLTS 26
The Colts need to play the Vikings every week.  They'd be in the Super Bowl.  Everybody'd be in the Super Bowl.  It'd be like a Super Bowl Smorgasborg, with all the drinks poured into Viking horns. The busboys are all named Thor. 

The Yikings first 6 possessions yesterday: Punt, Punt, Punt, Fumble, Interception, Fumble.  It would have been nice if they'd mixed up the punts and turnovers, but you can't argue with that score. Don't argue with guys named Thor, either.  Even though in Sweden every 3rd guy is named Thor.  It's how the Scandinavians have gotten along so well.

BEARS 27, PACKERS 30
No matter what it takes, no matter how tantalizingly close the score may be, put you money on the Bears.  They did it AGAIN, making it even more insanely close with the Pack kicking a field goal with :00 on the clock. This after the Bears tied it with 1:19.  How DO they do it?
Man, wow.  I notice Matt Barkley has the triple-interception thing going now, so Jay Cutler can relax.

OK I gotta make Doormat Christmas Cards, all with that special Doormat Scent!  

AAAaaaaAANd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Browns Have Never Won the Moldy Carpet? Really?

As bad as you may think the Cleveland Browns are, and they're an experienced cellar-dwellar, no doubt about it, they have NEVER (never-ever) finished dead last in the NFL and taken home the coveted Doormat Division Moldy Carpet Trophy, pictured here:

Their only scrape with immortality occurred in 2004, when they won the AFC, going 4-12, edging out the Miami Dolphins (4-12). In the next to last week of the season, the Blank Helmets pulled out the last second loss to the Floppers as Flop kicker Olindo Mare flipped a 51-yard fump over the crossbar with :07 left on the clock.  Unfortunately, the Brownies had no chance for the Moldy glory, as the Forty-Niners went 2-12 (during the spectacular pants-dropping Mike Singletary era).  

It's not like they haven't been trying- the Browns have been parked in the AFC Central basement for 10 out of the last 13 years, sprinkling in 2 winning seasons (2002 and 2007). They have not won the  AFC Central since 1989. The '85 through '89 seasons demand special mention, as these are the last powerhouse years the Browns had, with Bernie Kosar flinging the pigskin up and down the field, taking them to Division titles 4 times in 5 seasons, and capping off three of those winning campaigns with painful losses to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game. So, even when they were winning, they lost the semi-big one, and couldn't even get to the Stupor Bowl.  Ask any Vikings or Bills fan about getting close but no Cigarello. But stand back when you do.

This is their big shot, coming up right now.  The Browns must lose this weekend, finish 3-13, and finish with a worse record than, you guessed it, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners, who stand at 4-11 this morning. Don't forget the Whines lost, and lost big, to the Browns just three weeks ago, so they hold the tie-breaker. They also have to shrug off the Titanics, but the Brown-outs have the tie breaker with a vastly bigger point differential (the Browns and Titans have not played each other).  The Titanics are playing the Colts, and just might win that game, though the last-string QB parade is on full display up there in Indy- for both teams, so that one is up for grabs.

I'm pretty sure the Whiners will get buried by the Rams (and get themselves all positioned to draft 5th and get Cal QB Jared Goff in the spring), finishing off a brilliantly crafted drive to the bottom of the NFC by owner Jed York.  

But back to the Browns, who are taking no chances on the final let-down, putting QB Johnny Foosball on injured reserve with a bell-ringer of a concussion (can you drink when you have a 

head-ding?), and throwing the only QB they've got, Austin Davis, out there to get his own injuries against a highly motivated Steeler team that is desperately trying to get into the playoffs.  Playoffs?  PLAYOFFS?  

Don't talk to the Browns about playoffs. They're going to win this Moldy Carpet, hang it on the wall, and let the incense waft through the front office all off-season, and then, in the spring, when they've sniffed every last glorious spore out of that dried-out square of pride, they're going to step up to the podium at the NFL Draft, pick second, and....what do you think, Browns fans? Can they do it and cling to Johnny Manziel and eschew the obvious obvious pick in Jared Goff and, instead, go for a long snapper?  Where's that poster of Kevin Costner?

aaaaaAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!