RAMS-NINERS DO IT THE RIGHT WAY

NOW, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!!

RAMS 41, 49ERS 39

The NFL season is 3 weeks old, nearly, and the Los Angeles Rams have delivered potent offense in 2 of their three games.  Last night, they graciously invited the Santa Clara 49ers to join them in a wild, Doormat shootout at Levi's stadium. WHAT A GAME. Combining shaky defenses with crafty young coaches brimming with cool offensive ideas, and numerous mistakes with a lotta hutzpah makes for a potentially wild game. We got one.

Thursday Night Football requires teams to wear the ugliest Division II style of uniforms possible.  The Rams won this round with the all-yellow ensemble. But, they played like a couple crazy Div. II teams, so HEY.

The game started perfectly-  Whiners QB Brian Hoyer throws a first play interception- directly at the defender- and sets up the Rams at the 2 yard-line.  TD, Rams!  Then the Rams held the 49ers for a quick three and ou- but WAIT, a penalty gives the Whines new life and they ZOOM down the field and score. 7-7.  First touchdown of the year! Somebody alert the empty seats!

The Whiners kick off to the Lambs, and get a simple 3 and ou- but WAIT,  49er penalty gives the Rams NEW LIFE and they whip down the field and SCORE.  14-7.  Doormat excellence!

The Rams, though they have no defense, do have guys who can fall on a ball. The Whiners complied with a deft fumble on the next series, making another short field, and the Lambos kick a field goal.  17-7.

Finally, the Norty-finers take it upon themselves to just play bad, and punt, but not so fast, pal, as the Rams receiver fumbllllllllles the punt and the Whiners take over at the Ram 12. Undaunted,  the Red and Gold (ok, black and red) put it in reverse and back it up to 3rd and 18 and drop a perfectly thrown ball in the process.
Whiners hold it to a FIELD GOAL.   17-10, Rams.

Unbelievably, the Whiners offense holds on the next series, and the Lambs PUNT.  You won't see that guy for 3 quarters. Whines respond on their series with a penalty, a sack, and 3rd and 17.  Undaunted, the Lambs find the 49ers a first down and follow it up with 12 men on the field!  But the Whiners pull off a sack, and....they still wobble one over the uprights for another field goal. 17-13, Rams.

With slightly over 2 minutes to go before half-time, the Niners get blinded by the yellow uniforms, and initiate their 2-minute penalty drill, the refs start throwing yellow flags and next thing you know Todd Gurley has scored his 3rd touchdown for the Lambinis.   BOOM.  24-13, Rams.

HALFTIME.  
At this point, one felt that the wheels were going to come off the 49er wagon, and the Rams would eventually win 40-13.  But as Buzz Lightyear once said: NOT TODAY.

3rd Quarter-
Rams open with a really juicy BOMB from Jared Goff to Willie Mays impersonator Sammy Watkins, the 49ers toss in an interference call after that, the Rams land at the 2 yard line, get scared, back it up the field, and kick a field goal, desperately trying to not get so dang far ahead.  27-13, Rams.

Whew. The Rams counter this defensive collapse by the Whines with their own, engineering open spaces for the entire field, timing a roughing the passer penalty perfectly, and the Whiners romp down the field as if they were the Patriots and Carlos Hyde blasts into the end zone from 1 yard out.  27-20, Rams.

At this point, you realize that nobody is punting, you better not change the channel, and it's pretty much a pick-up game at the park.  With really huge guys playing.

And, on cue, the 49ers counter with their own missing defense, multiple penalties, and the Rams find themselves stumbling into the end zone with Sammy Watkins takin it in on a pass from 1 yard out.  34-20, RAMS.

4th QUARTER
UNDAUNTED, the gassed LA defense gets burned for a huge sky-rocket bomb from Hoyer to Goodwin all the way down the field and before you can get annoyed by the Rams fans behind you and start a fight, the Whiners SCORE AGAIN.  Hey!  I'm supposed to be incredibly bored here!  Why are we standing up? These are the NINERS we're talking about.  But, just so you don't get too cocky, 49er placekicker Robbie Gold shanks the extra point.  34-26, LAMBS.

At this point, I think the entire starting lineup for the 49er defense is injured, and God knows who was in those suits out there. They were dropping like toddlers on an uphill hike, and you forgot the candy. The Lambs coast down the field, capping it with Watkin's second TD catch, and picking up maybe a possible concussion.  When are guys going to stop leading with their helmets?  Maybe when they go back to using leather helmets. 41- 26, RAMS.

Momentarily finding their Doormat acumen, the Whines drop a couple passes and PUNT, only their second of the game.  The Rams then counter with another PUNT.  Take that! It began to look like the fuel was on empty, and then everybody started to head for the exits...even those that never arrived in the first place.

And they missed this:  Another 50 yard bomb from Hoyer, this time to Pierre Garcon.  He was NOT open.  He just caught it anyway.  That Lamb defense is something to behold!  The Niners score again, possibly using up all their touchdowns for the next 7 games, and pull to 41-33 with 5:08 left.

Now on a mission, the Rams fumble the kickoff and the unsuspecting Niners fall on it.  Stunned all around, they take 8 plays to go 29 yards, score the TD....and miss the two point conversion.  41-39.

The ensuing onside kickoff bounces off a 49er helmet and the Whines recover!  LOOK OUT, you might WIN, Whiners! Now comes the part, if you are a Niner fan, you hate.  They get a first down that would have put them in field goal range, and the receiver gets hit with an offensive pass interference call, on a really dubious minor arm-push-off. In our Doormat world, we appreciate the killer penalty, but no ref should call something that ticky-tack at the end of a game when the competition is really high. And that was your ballgame. Now at 3rd and 20, Hoyer finally gets sacked by Rams DE Aaron Donald, who was in Hoyer's grill all night.

Game Over.  Hilarious, great Doormat game. These two teams, if they ever find a defense, will not remain Doormat members for much longer. But remember, these offenses look a lot better when these two teams play each other.  The Rams could achieve Parity this year.  The 49ers won't, but, please keep playing like that, guys.  At least against the other shaky defenses.  Doormat Ball the way it should be played.

Whiners 0-3 and have lost 9 straight home games (O-fer Niners), dating all the way back to last year's home opener against these same Rams.

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!

WEEK 14 REPORT: CROWN THE BROWNS?

CROWN THE BROWNS? 

WITHER WHINERS?

   1-13                           0-14

Should we just hand the Browns the Moldy Carpet now?  How could this team possibly win a game? Can the Niners somehow catch them? Can the Jags go back and undo those victories?Are the Rams actually the worst team in the league, but just got a late start?

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

AFC
Cleveland -      0-13
Jacksonville -   2-11
NY Jets -          4-9
San Diego -      5-8
Cincinnati -       5-7-1
Indianapolis-     6-7

NFC
San Francisco - 1-12
Chicago -           3-10
Los Angeles -     4-9
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-8

New Orleans      5-8


BROWNS 10, BENGALS 23
Fearless in their pursuit of the Moldy Carpet, the Browns opened the game yesterday with 5 punts and an interception for 56 yards and about 3 first downs. This got them all the way to the 3rd quarter! On the other side of the ball, they guided Bungles QB Andy Dalton to his highest rating of the year (112.2) and a 20-0 lead at intermission. Browns 'coach' Hue Jackson took the pressure off in the 2nd half and allowed his team to score a little, to avoid hypothermia. He also 'asked for understanding' about RGB III's sloppy start. No worries here Hue, we get it! 0-16 looks good to us. Let the haggling about who is the worst 0-16 team - them or the 2008 Lions.

Browns danger game is the final game against the Steelers, who may have locked up a playoff spot by then and decide to rest the entire roster. A raffle will be held among the local Pittsburgh high schools to to field a team.

GAME OF THE WEEK
NINERS 17, JETS 23 (OT)
You had to see it to believe it. This was serious. The Jests started 3rd stringer Bryce Petty, a fiery fighter of fiesty football fury! Also, definitely a... 2nd string QB. Showing his mettle, he started off, on play 1, with an interception at his own 7-yard line, then following it up with a quick 3 and out. On the backside,the Gang Green (I didn't even have to make that up) defense showed 49er running back Carlos Hyde where the holes were, and the Whiners were up 14-0 and in serious jeopardy with a whole game to play yet. Patience.

The Jets punted and punted, yet the Niners countered with driving and missing field goals (2), a real morale drainer. FU, Jets!! Then they traded field goals. Uh-oh. Niners coach Chip Kelly, nervous about all the yardage being piled up and the nearness of the goal line, and a eye-popping 17-3 lead, ground the offense to a complete halt, finishing off for the day with 6 consecutive punts (ok they ended the first half with the ball, but they would have punted if someone had just given them the time). Later, regarding the 'conservative' offense, Chip said "it's on me."  Chip, we know that.  It's on you like the smell of barf on a fraternity toilet on Sunday morning.

Undaunted, the Jets countered with grim nothing, slipping up on one measly 3rd quarter field goal. Petty was looking like Doormat Gold.
But the Niners, ahead 17-6 with tons of time left in the 4th, had just had enough. Pulling themselves apart collectively on defense, their worst tackling angles finally clicked, the sliding off running backs like water off a duck's back suddenly was easy, and they backed off receivers and dragged the Jets down the field in an arduous 15-play, 9 minute drive, capping it off with a stellar missed tackle by Ahmad Brooks that landed the Jesters in the end zone.

Sure he couldn't do it twice, the Nyets ran Petty right at Brooks for the 2-point conversion and he did a wondrous missed tackle encore, complete with flailing and spinning, and BOOM.
17-14. 

Had enough?  The fun was just starting. With 4:48 to go, and the sound of seagulls echoing around a silent stadium, the Whiners doubled down and punted immediately, gaining 0 yards on 3 plays. By now the Jets knew they were doomed, it was just a matter of time. 8 plays later, the tying field goal (50 yards) wafted into the bay air, noiselessly floating between the goal posts as 30,000 empty red seats waited for the final indignity in OT. 

The Niners won the coin toss, and countered with a new move, turning the ball over on downs, eschewing the punt, as it would put the Jets too far down the field and hey the Jets need to score here. 

The gassed 49er defense gave it all up on this drive, including just giving up on the last run into the end zone for the Jets.  It was the kind of drive that makes evil empire owner Jed York and his minion, GM Trent Balke, cackle into their champagne. If only the Browns would win a game!  The Moldy Carpet could be theirs.  Dream on.  

LAMBS 14, FALCONS 42,000
Lambie rookie QB Jared Goff had the deer-in-the-headlights thing going on yesterday, scoring 14 points for the Falcons with a pick-six and a fumble-six (plus another INT), so, wow, Jared.  But, let's be fair- the entire team stunk like lamb stew that's been on the back burner on a forgotten Greek island restaurant for the entire summer.  2 more fumbles, 7 punts, and 11 penalties for 105 yards. I mean...it's so great they moved back to L.A. It's just what they needed down there. (The Lambs may actually be the worst team in the league right now. Remember, they lost to the 49ers, 28-0, in week 1. Think about that.) The Falcons punted EIGHT times and STILL scored 42 points.  Holy Toledo.  

SAINTS 11, BUCS 16
These guys can't even find the right numbers.  6 field goals, a safety, and 1 touchdown.  Bucs keep winning....Doormat exit!

BEARS 17, LIONS 20
Yet again the Bears make it look close. The Lions were game to lose, but the Bears weren't having it.  Bears got the Lions in the end zone last, and that's all that mattered.  Bears clear the 10 loss marker!

BILLS 20, STEELERS 27
It's interesting watching a team that doesn't start an actual quarterback. If the Bills can keep losing, they can finish 6-10. But the Jets and Browns are on the schedule- forget it.  For certain they will not make the playoffs- that will be 18 seasons without even an invite to the party.  Who needs a party when you can scrape ice off your windshield?

JAGUARS 16, VIKINGS 25
An absolute HAIL of field goals- 7- before somebody scored a touchdown.  My foot is sore. Pick-six machine Jaguar Blake Bortles didn't even throw an interception yesterday. ??  The Jags were ahead going into the 4th quarter! Vikings QB Sam Bradford was looking for another way to prove his Doormat mettle. But it was not to be. The Jags, better than just about anybody at losing at home in stadium deflating fashion, got the fans heading for the exits before the 2- minute warning, as the Vikings got the shock of the afternoon- scoring two TDs in one quarter.  Jags 2-11 and a force.

THREE WEEKS TO GO.  It's all about keeping the losses in your locker room, and watching out for better teams that give up and teams that have made the playoffs, rest everybody, and field a Doormat lineup against you.  Stay strong! Stay disorganized!  Don't adjust!  

aaaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!

WEAK 12 REPORT AND AUTOPSY

WEAK 12 CHEESE BALL BOMBS

FADING HOPES IN COLD CLIMES and

BEING JUST BADENOV, BORIS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 12

AFC
Cleveland -    0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets -        3-8
Cincinnati -    3-7-1
San Diego -    5-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-10
Chicago -          2-9
Los Angeles -   4-7
Carolina -         4-7
Green Bay        4-6


BROWNOUTS 13, GIANTS 27
Who can lose a game where the opponent punts 9 times?  The Browns!  Who can lose a game where your opponent gets only 13 first downs?  The Browns!  Who else can lose a game where your opponent gets 100 penalty yards to your measly 35?  Nobody but the Browns!!  Of course fumbling away the ball 3 times, with one of those for a fumble-six, kinda helps.

0-12 AND the worst uniforms in the NFL. C'MON, those are ghastly.  Somebody get that ownership a medal, and make it out of an old Trabant (worst car ever made) grill.  

LAMBS 21, SAINTS 49
Maybe Saints coach Sean Payton is still a little steamed at his old defensive (hits for cash!) coordinator, who now works for the Lambs. It has to hurt your eyes after a while, doing the laser glare at the opposing bench for an entire game.  Actually, Lambie QB Jared Goff must have felt like he was back at Cal:  high scoring game that is exciting for 3 quarters and then you end up getting blown out. Trick plays by the bushel in this one.   

WHINERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Honesty: Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick seem to be getting on the same page.  Kaepernick accounted for over 400 yards of offense yesterday.  He was THE man.  They nearly tied the game with 2 seconds to go.  Man, that was a close one.  Luckily for the Whines, he does not play defense, and whoa is that defense just as porous as Chip's most porous Oregon defenses over the years. I swear they couldn't stop a baby stroller pushed by an exhausted diaper-whipped dad. And I should know.  Humongous game next week vs. the Bears.  

JESTS 17, PATRIOTS 22
Another close call for a Doormat yesterday.  Good God, what were the Jests thinking, being ahead deep in the 4th quarter??  Well, relax, fans- the Patriots were safely guided down the field for the go-ahead TD, and Jets QB Ryan "Let Me Blow This" Fitzfumble fumbled away the Jests last fumbling 'chance.'   Jests still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet, but not really because the Browns will win 1 game at most.  

BEARS 21, TITANS 27
The Barelys do it again- look like they are getting shellacked, and then stage the Futile Comeback and make it look like they tried.  It's a lot of Looking Like, and very little of Actually Being.  Who knew that Soldier Field was a land of fantasy?  Titans have risen to 6-6.  Look out world, a Doormat is crawling up out of the muck.

BUNGLES 14, RAVEN-POES 19
At the beginning of the season, the Bungles were a favorite to challenge for the AFC Championship.  Oh PLEASE. This is the Bungles we're talking about here, and they've already had two winning seasons in a row, and that's way way way more than should be asked for here.  Are they burning Andy Dalton jerseys in their BBQ's in the parking lot?  Are there still scraps of a Carson Palmer jersey in there?  You gonna eat that chicken leg?

GAGUARS 21, BILLS 28
Gags extend their losing streak to 6 games, now, and in this one showed a lot of savvy in losing the lead 5 times.  Not to be denied!  Rack it up!! Wild game up in Buffalo...look out, the Bills are 6-5.  How long has it been since they've been over .500 this late in the season?  Usually by now you know they'll get to 10 losses.  ANOTHER DOORMAT crawls out of the BASEMENT!!!

BUCS 14,  SEAHAGS 5
And yet another perennial loser and close friend is breathing the rarified air in the winning column.  6-5 and snuffing the Hags with ferocious defense (3 turnovers) has GOT to feel good.  

RAIDERS 35, PANTHERS 32
The Raiders' Derek Carr goes out for one series with a jammed pinkie, and the Panthers pounce on it like it was 25 points, which is what happened. But...Carr came back in, and this guy is amazing.  Well, here's our fabulous  Doormat Champ stomping all the way to the #1 seed in the AFC today.  GOOD GRIEF.  

aaaaaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!

Browns Have Never Won the Moldy Carpet? Really?

As bad as you may think the Cleveland Browns are, and they're an experienced cellar-dwellar, no doubt about it, they have NEVER (never-ever) finished dead last in the NFL and taken home the coveted Doormat Division Moldy Carpet Trophy, pictured here:

Their only scrape with immortality occurred in 2004, when they won the AFC, going 4-12, edging out the Miami Dolphins (4-12). In the next to last week of the season, the Blank Helmets pulled out the last second loss to the Floppers as Flop kicker Olindo Mare flipped a 51-yard fump over the crossbar with :07 left on the clock.  Unfortunately, the Brownies had no chance for the Moldy glory, as the Forty-Niners went 2-12 (during the spectacular pants-dropping Mike Singletary era).  

It's not like they haven't been trying- the Browns have been parked in the AFC Central basement for 10 out of the last 13 years, sprinkling in 2 winning seasons (2002 and 2007). They have not won the  AFC Central since 1989. The '85 through '89 seasons demand special mention, as these are the last powerhouse years the Browns had, with Bernie Kosar flinging the pigskin up and down the field, taking them to Division titles 4 times in 5 seasons, and capping off three of those winning campaigns with painful losses to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game. So, even when they were winning, they lost the semi-big one, and couldn't even get to the Stupor Bowl.  Ask any Vikings or Bills fan about getting close but no Cigarello. But stand back when you do.

This is their big shot, coming up right now.  The Browns must lose this weekend, finish 3-13, and finish with a worse record than, you guessed it, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners, who stand at 4-11 this morning. Don't forget the Whines lost, and lost big, to the Browns just three weeks ago, so they hold the tie-breaker. They also have to shrug off the Titanics, but the Brown-outs have the tie breaker with a vastly bigger point differential (the Browns and Titans have not played each other).  The Titanics are playing the Colts, and just might win that game, though the last-string QB parade is on full display up there in Indy- for both teams, so that one is up for grabs.

I'm pretty sure the Whiners will get buried by the Rams (and get themselves all positioned to draft 5th and get Cal QB Jared Goff in the spring), finishing off a brilliantly crafted drive to the bottom of the NFC by owner Jed York.  

But back to the Browns, who are taking no chances on the final let-down, putting QB Johnny Foosball on injured reserve with a bell-ringer of a concussion (can you drink when you have a 

head-ding?), and throwing the only QB they've got, Austin Davis, out there to get his own injuries against a highly motivated Steeler team that is desperately trying to get into the playoffs.  Playoffs?  PLAYOFFS?  

Don't talk to the Browns about playoffs. They're going to win this Moldy Carpet, hang it on the wall, and let the incense waft through the front office all off-season, and then, in the spring, when they've sniffed every last glorious spore out of that dried-out square of pride, they're going to step up to the podium at the NFL Draft, pick second, and....what do you think, Browns fans? Can they do it and cling to Johnny Manziel and eschew the obvious obvious pick in Jared Goff and, instead, go for a long snapper?  Where's that poster of Kevin Costner?

aaaaaAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!