DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10 WRAP UP AND DISPOSAL

10 WEEKS IN THE CAN! RAIDERS STILL UN-VICTORIOUS! JACKSONVILLE OWNS LONDON! THE HAPLESS JETS SCREW UP!  BEARS SET FIRST HALF TD RECORD FOR AARON RODGERS! BUCCANEERS NARROWLY ESCAPE, STAY WINLESS AT HOME!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK TEN
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-8               167       272      -105    

St. Louis         3-6               163       251      -88

Chicago          3-6               194       277      -83 

NY Giants      3-6                195      247      -52

Washington    3-6                197      229      -32 

   

AFC                              

Oakland          0-9                146      252      - 106

Jacksonville    1-9                158      282      -110

NY Jets           2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee       2-7                144      223      -79

Texans            4-5                206      197      +9

Before we proceed to the Wrap-Up, please note that the entire NFC South has a losing record.
New Orleans, after yesterday's loss to the Niners, are in first at 4-5.  Hats off!

WEEK 10 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL 

WITH A MILLION FLIES WHOOSHING OUT 

WHEN YOU OPEN THE LID

THE HAPLESS JETS 20,  STEELERS 13
What were they thinking?  Who ordered up that prop plane flyover during Jets practice last week with the banner demanding GM John Idzik be fired??  Now look what happened. A team in almost total disarray is brought together, the over-over-over confident Steelers bring their NYC junket hangovers to the Meadowlands, and the Hapless Jets win a...a...I can't say it.

Previously leading the league in give/take turnover ratio (-15), the Hapless Jets are buried under a barrage of turnovers. The Steelers brought a balanced attack of 2 INTs and 2 fumbles, and they never looked back.  If they had, they might have caught one, or noticed a ball on the turf.

Now 2-8, the Nyets need to bring back Geno Smith immediately or run the risk of losing more ground to the Raiders (0-9) for the Doormat AFC lead.  With only 6 games to go, they're two games behind, and...well, they can't wipe wins off the record, so it's pretty hopeless, because:

RAIDERS 17, BRONCOS 41
Amazingly, this is not the Blowout of the Week.  Da Bares brought the Basement Special to Green Bay yesterday.  But don't say the Silver and Blacked Out didn't try.  Nursing a 10-6 lead late in the second quarter, the Raiders throw in the towel (and a toaster plus a rebate), and blaze a trail to halftime, suddenly trailing 20-10 and turning a lusty and loud crowd into a quietly murmuring Sunday flea market.  There wasn't even any booing.  It was so quiet you could hear the quiet rustling of chains, Darth Vader capes, Peyton Manning's hand signals, and Al Davis' 'eternal flame' thinga-ma-jiggy.  Eternal in Oakland.  COASTING along at 0-9,  and sailing into the 4th quarter with only 5 first downs, the Blacked Out looked unstoppable.  They were.

The number of bumbling moments are too numerous to mention, though when you are already down 34-10, can hear the seagulls at the top of the stadium, you throw an interception, then throw a red challenge hanky (interceptor stepped out of bounds) on a play that is automatically reviewed resulting in a loss of a timeout PLUS tossing in an unsportsmanlike penalty for added spice kind of stands out.
However, I wouldn't want to give the impression that it was unusual.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

DA BARES 14, PACKERS 55
It was 42-0 at halftime.  Bears QB Jay Cutler does not play defense (whether he plays offense is up for debate), but if he did Aaron Rodgers might have had 8 TDs before halftime instead of 6.  But Cutler did what he could, which is continuing his mastery of Lambeau field.  4 Games, 12 interceptions!  The Master of Disaster tossed in 2 INTs and a fumble in the first half, and the Packers did the rest- which was scoring so fast I thought that green and yellow blur was the Oregon Ducks- should the Ducks actually WEAR green and yellow someday.

Da Bares improve to 3-6 and their only victories are the Hapless Jets, the Falcons and the Niners (who have played some lulu Doormat games this year).  They're gonna get 10 losses, no problem.

PANTHERS 21, PHILADELPHIA 45
Cam Newton may have the best worst body language of any QB that plays for a team that just cannot pull it together.  He sure knows how to just huck it up for grabs, though! Put it in the air!  It will come down near a human for sure!!

GIANTS 14, SEAHAWKS 38
It was close for a while.  And then it wasn't.  The Gnats finally shoulder their way into the Basement at a respectable 3-6.  Good solid downward spiral. Spirals are good in fooball.

JAGUARS 17, COWBOYS 31
Tony Romo played for the Cowboys, and the Jaguars own London. Game Over. Good luck losing a game against the Gags in Jolly Old England.  At least the Roar cheerleaders were back, losing bits of clothing all over London again.  The cheerleading squad really is more famous than the team.
Jags at 1-9 and still hot on the Raiders trail.

BUCCANEERS 17, FALCONS 27
In a brutal NFC Doormat tilt, with the league lead on the line, the Bootineers prevail again in the 4th quarter.  Atlanta gave up some huge gainers, the Boots slowly wore down, but Atlanta was still hanging around in the 4th quarter, up only 10 points. But Boots QB Josh McCown, filling in for one of hundreds of QBs who have been benched this year (George Blanda? Steve DeBerg?), steps up in the pocket and rockets TWO drive killing interceptions, one in the Atlanta end zone for extra sauce.  As always, when the Boots backs are to the wall, you can't stop them.  Bucs now 1-8, while Atlanta falls to 3-6, and nearly out of contention for the Doormat NFC crown.

RAMS 14, CARDINALS 31
But if you want 4th quarter genius, the Lambs are your team.  Entering the 4th quarter dangerously ahead 14-10, the Rams take advantage of Cardinals QB Carson Palmer's injury, giving up a 48-yard bomb (I get teary-eyed over this, the Rams used to be greatest big-play team) to backup up Drew Stanton.  After this, the Lambs countered with an interception, but the Cards declined to score, and then punted.  Undaunted, the Lambs next move was another interception and this time they made it stick, with the Cards returning it 30 yards for the TD.  On the next possession, the Lambs go 3 and out, but the Cards snag a penalty and hand the Rams a first down and one more chance.  The Lambs don't miss the opportunity, put the ball on the rug and the Cards run it in 18 yards for the score.  21 points in 5 minutes!  Wow!

TITANICS 7,  RAVENS 21
Yesterday's PUNT-A-THON.  Eight for the Titanics, 7 for the Ravens.  Job well done, men.

I like saying "Hapless Jets."

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!

Crudinals Finally Getting it in Gear

CARDINALS 22,  SEAHAWKS 34

Last year, the University of Phoenix Crudinals got off to a 4-0 start, inflating the fan base to a giddy biliousness that inverted to a gaseous pffft as the Cruds lost 11 of their last 12 games.   In the offseason, not satisfied with 5-11 for a Doormat effort, the Cruds picked up Doormat QB extraordinaire Carson Palmer, a QB the Oakland Raiders gave up on (and that's really saying something).   The Cruds got off to a rocky start, though, having to face the Lambs,  the Lions, the Bootineers and the Panthers- all experienced Doormat teams.   As Mr. Palmer usually pulls a bit of a bait-and-switch at the start of every season, the Cruds built a 3-2 record.  That's no way to win the Moldy Carpet (or Mouldy Carpette as the more refined refer to it).

Mr. Palmer does what he does best

But Carson has his act going now, and there may be no stopping him, if  U. of Phee wants to get to the bottom of things.   He's thrown 11 interceptions in the last 4 games, and 13 total , only 2 behind interception wizard Eli Manning.  Palmer likes to hold onto the ball for too long, scramble and then throw rockets to whoever is man enough to catch them.

Stepping up bigtime last night, Palmer throws two interceptions in his own territory, both turning into TDs, and gets sacked 7 times (give the O-line some credit here!).    Another team with no rushing game (30 tiny yards last night), Palmer gets 45 chances to blow it, and the odds are just too good on that account.   

Losers of two straight, standing (well, slumping) at 3-4,  look ahead to Jacksonville in 3 weeks to see just how LOW THEY CAN GO.

It's a shame Matt Schaub is injured, because the Cruds-Texans game in two weeks would be a helluva Doormat QB face-off.  Two Time Bomb Game.

4-12 is still possible, and though it won't win the Moldy Carpet, it will at least serve notice to the NFL that this teams means business.

-wacko

                                       

NFL WEEK 6: AFC Those Potholes are Really Canyons

IT'S WEEK 6!!!!!!!!

Let's have a visit with our Loss Leaders, and view the rough road ahead.   Today, the AFC

AFC

CLEVELAND BROWNS  (0-5)

Can the Brownies keep losing every week?  They have done something few 'losing culture' teams do- they've flipped the method.  Instead of decent defense and zero offense, they've gone with atrocious defense and wide-open, error-prone offense.   It's impressive.  The only team left with a perfect record, the Brownies are holding a bake-sale this Sunday against the always schizoid Cincinnati Bungles, who are coming off their worst game of the year, losing to the Floppers.   Brownies nearly pulled off a comeback in the first game against the Bungles, and Brandon Weeden had his best game of the year.   652 Tickets still available for you masochists out there.

LOOKING AHEAD down the Pothole Highway:    

Colts (L),  

Chargers (L), 

Ravens (L), 

Dallas (w), 

 Steelers (L), 

Raydurz (?),  

Cheaps (w),  

Redskins (L),  

Broncos (L), 

 Steelers (L)

Predicted Finish:   3-13  somehow, they'll get 3.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS  (1-4)

Like a lot of our leaders this week, the Gaguars have the week off and Blaine Gabbert is busy studying the HOW TO THROW A TD PASS TO  YOUR OWN TEAM booklet.  It was discovered he'd been reading HOW TO THROW A TD PASS TO THE OTHER TEAM (by Brett Favre $9.95 on Amazon), which explains why he threw 2 of them last week.   Now that that has been cleared up, the Gags can look forward to this:   Organized, institutional losing.

down the Pothole Highway:  

 RAIDERS (L)- gonna be tough to blow this one.  Gags will have to really hunker down and make Carson Palmer look like a 'franchise' player instead of the guy who took most of the Bunglonian Fog with him when he left Cincinnati.   If they concentrate on getting the Raiders running game going, they got it.

GREEN BAY (L)- only the Gags can make the Packers look like world champs again, and they'll be up for it.

DETROIT (L) - the reeling fur balls from Purr City get to make like...Lions.

COLTS  (L)-  Andrew Luck has figured it out.  The Gaguars have too.

TEXANS (L)-  right about here all the air will be gone

TITANS (?)-  Nov. 25th This game will be huge in the doormat, where the Gags and Titanics will duke it out for first place in the AFC, as Cleveland will have at least 1 win by this time.

Then, the murderer's row:  

BUFFALO, NY JETS AND MIAMI.   Can they lose to all of them?  What an accomplishment if they do.  The Nils, Jets and Flops couldn't pull it off.  

NEW ENGLAND (L)

TITANICS:  final game of the year for all the marbles in the Doormat AFC

PREDICTED FINISH: 2-14

TENNESSEE TITANICS  1-4

The surprise team of the Doormat in the AFC this year, the Titanics are giving up 36.2 points a game, narrowly edging Beefalo.   Buffalo.  Sorry.  And now they roll out Matt Hasselbeck for an encore performance tonight against the Steelers.  The Steelers are no piece of cake for the loss-  despite the Titanics anemic running game, the Steelers boast an anemic rush defense and if you have a poor defense against the rush then I don't recommend putting a paper bag over your head and having a buddy supercharge it with a massive hit of mind-bending smoke.   

Where were we? 1973? The Steelers lost to the Raiders, for God sake, and made their running game look great (Darren McFadden is a great RB, but the blocking 'schemes' are something you'd see out of Mr. Bean or My Name is Earl).   If the Titanics can lose tonight, they are on their way.  But just like the Jags, they have to contend with the BILLS, JETS, DOLPHINS trifecta.

Down the Pothole Road:

BUFFALO (L)  a million points in this one?  Can the Titans accept the largesse?

COLTS (L)

BEARS (L)  

DOLPHINS (?)

GAGS (?)

TEXANS (L)

COLTS (?)

JETS (L)

PACKERS (L)

GAGUARS-   as above, potential AFC Championship game

PREDICTED FINISH  3-13

KANAS CITY CHIEFS (1-4)

We've certainly got parity in the Doormat- we've got EIGHT teams with one win.  SOMEBODY has to win a second game, and the Cheaps are up against it with the Buccaneers (1-3) this weekend.  Doormat legend Brady Quinn steps onto the gridiron to start a game for the first time in three years, as Matt Cassell sits this one out, still woozy from his concussion and ringing in his ears from the fans cheering like crazy when they realized he was not getting up.   The Cheaps defense is helping immensely, though, to insure losses, and I think they should make it through this one.  Barely.  The Bucs are may be chopped liver, but the Cheaps are toast.  I actually think Quinn will play better than Cassell just long enough to bring it down to a field goal.  Cheaps still horrible in the red zone.

Down the Pothole Road:

BYE (W)

RAIDERS (??)

CHARGERS (L)

STEELERS (L)

BENGALS (L)

BRONCOS (L)

PANTHERS (W)

BROWNIES (L)

RAIDERS (??)

COLTS (?)

BRONCOS (L)

PREDICTED FINISH 4-12

OAKLAND RAYDURZZZZ  (1-4)

The perennial under-achievers of the AFC West, the Raydurz are way under .500 and haven't played well ever since Jason Campbell was unceremoniously thrown to the bench and under the team bus after Carson Palmer arrived.  Campbell may not have been Andrew Luck, but he had figured out how to play smart and they were winning games they should win.  Palmer has no idea. He has an arm. They are not even close to playing smart with Palmer at the helm, but you can never, EVER blame losing on a player when it comes to the Raider way.  It appears to not matter that Al Davis is dead.  Amazingly, it's IRRELEVANT.  This kind of losing is done by coaching it.  I've heard that Darren McFadden is the most exciting RB in football so many times that I just sit and stare at my blacked-out TV and listen to Greg Papa on the radio tell me he's been stuffed for a 1-yard gain.  Nice blocking, guys.  Also, the Raiders fired their entire defensive secondary and replaced it with guys who are no better (and yes some injuries), and maybe worse.  

Lucky for the Silver-and-Blacked Out, they had the week off, so a real team can win a game at the Oakand Coliseum (the A's!!), but now they get to LOSE an easy one to the Falcons.  However, their schedule contains the cream of the Doormat and it's going to be hard to lose them all and take the MOLDY CARPET.  

Down the Pothole Highway:

FALCONS  (L-L-L)

GAGUARS (w)

CHIEFS  (?)

TAMPA (L)

BALTIMORE (L)

SAINTS (L)

BENGALS (L)

BROWNIES (?)

BRONCOS (L)

CHIEFS (?)

PANTHERS (W)

CHARGERS (L)

PREDICTED FINISH 5-11

aaaAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!