The PREVIEW NFL DOORMAT WEEK 14
You Gotta Fight, For Your Right, to Be the
WORST TEAM IN THE BAY AREA
They're calling it the Dysfunction Bowl in the Bay Area, though really the Niners' dysfunction isn't really nearly as impressive- it's just more high profile. The fact that beat writers are comparing the two teams as equals in this regard is really kind of insulting to all the careful long-term planning the Raiders have put into their current stature. This could play into the Raider's gameplan- as in being worse than last week. This isn't really possible, but we all have our fantasies. This game will be the most fun that an ugly game can be. People are dreading this game around here, because of the Doormat potential. I'm almost drooling for this game to start. Niners may just leave Coach Harbaugh at the foot of Mt. Davis, as the scuttlebutt is he's gonna be the coach there next year, anyway. It would be a spectacular stink bomb if the Raiders can pull out a victory (I won't say upset) but I have no idea how they would do that. It's up the Niners, isn't it?
EDGE to LOSE: RAIDERS
TONIGHT:
DALLAS at CHICAGO
Looks like a quagmire for the Cows, what with the demoralizing loss at home to Philly last week. Bears have only beat teams that beat themselves (including the Niners). Can the Cows beat themselves? Can Bear QB Jay Cutler continue to just wreck a drive and look permanently stoned? I think the Cows are ready.
EDGE to LOSE: COWBOYS
SUNDAY:
COLTS at BROWNS
Yeah, the Brownies may be 7-5, but, until they get to win #9, they really aren't out of the Basement.
Right? You know it. They're just barely stayin' afloat. And you KNOW this game is Brian Hoyer's last chance before Johnny Touchdown gets to start screwing up right ON THE FIELD. The Colts last three victories were: Giants, Jags, Skins. Can you really call it a victory when your opponent is trying to win the Moldy Carpet? No. It's going to be a wild one.
EDGE to LOSE: COLTS
GIANTS at TITANS
With a pairing of these nicknames, it's GOTTA BE HUGE. It really boils down to who can throw the best game killing interception deep in the red zone late in the game, or turn the ball over deep in their own territory....Hey that's the same team!
EDGE to LOSE: GIANTS
PANTHERS at SAINTS
The Saints have decided they would rather finish 6-10 and go all the way to the Super Bowl (which will be cancelled) than relax on our couch and eat cold pizza with us. That's OK by us, we're behind their plan all the way. The Pansies had the week off 2 weeks ago, but played like it was bye last week vs. the Vikes. A true Doormat treats a bye like the season ended. I think that's what the Pansies have done, started redecorated the rumpus room in the Basement.
EDGE to LOSE: PANTHERS
RAMS at WASHINGTON
For the last 7 games the Rams have been alternating wins and losses. They won last week. But the Skinheads are in full implosion. Are the Rams licking their chops at blowing out another hapless bunch of disorganized boobs? Or will they waltz into D.C. thinking this one's in the bag? Rams have coach who comes up with actual working game plans (not the Doormat way). I'm going to go way out on a tomahawk and declare the Rambos will win two games in a row. I'm hyperventilating.
EDGE to LOSE: SKINS
JETS at VIKINGS
Good God, the Vikings just can't catch a break! How many even worse Doormat teams are there that they play? Who came up with this schedule? It's hopeless. Another couple victories and it's off to Parity Purgatory.
EDGE to LOSE: JETS
BUCS at LIONS
Anytime you play at the Kat Box it's no gimme, but the Plankwalkers are ready to lose big after losing small last week.
EDGE to GET BLOWN OUT: BUCS
ASTROS at JAGUARS
I mean, the Texans. Jaguars won last week. And that was against Eli Manning's brilliant red zone blowups. Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick had a great game last week, so he should be exhausted and imprecise this time. Still, the Jags....they have no idea how to win 2 in a row.
EDGE to LOSE: Jags
MONDAY:
FALCONS at PACKERS
A night game, in December, in Green Bay. Great. Falcons had huge victory last week and beat a team with a winning record for the first time all year. They're going to get trounced. Packers played the Super Bowl last week, as you know. So, they'll be less than sharp. They going to trounce the Falcons.
EDGE to LOSE: FALCONS
sit back, relax...or go race go karts!
-wacko
