RAMS-NINERS DO IT THE RIGHT WAY

NOW, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!!

RAMS 41, 49ERS 39

The NFL season is 3 weeks old, nearly, and the Los Angeles Rams have delivered potent offense in 2 of their three games.  Last night, they graciously invited the Santa Clara 49ers to join them in a wild, Doormat shootout at Levi's stadium. WHAT A GAME. Combining shaky defenses with crafty young coaches brimming with cool offensive ideas, and numerous mistakes with a lotta hutzpah makes for a potentially wild game. We got one.

Thursday Night Football requires teams to wear the ugliest Division II style of uniforms possible.  The Rams won this round with the all-yellow ensemble. But, they played like a couple crazy Div. II teams, so HEY.

The game started perfectly-  Whiners QB Brian Hoyer throws a first play interception- directly at the defender- and sets up the Rams at the 2 yard-line.  TD, Rams!  Then the Rams held the 49ers for a quick three and ou- but WAIT, a penalty gives the Whines new life and they ZOOM down the field and score. 7-7.  First touchdown of the year! Somebody alert the empty seats!

The Whiners kick off to the Lambs, and get a simple 3 and ou- but WAIT,  49er penalty gives the Rams NEW LIFE and they whip down the field and SCORE.  14-7.  Doormat excellence!

The Rams, though they have no defense, do have guys who can fall on a ball. The Whiners complied with a deft fumble on the next series, making another short field, and the Lambos kick a field goal.  17-7.

Finally, the Norty-finers take it upon themselves to just play bad, and punt, but not so fast, pal, as the Rams receiver fumbllllllllles the punt and the Whiners take over at the Ram 12. Undaunted,  the Red and Gold (ok, black and red) put it in reverse and back it up to 3rd and 18 and drop a perfectly thrown ball in the process.
Whiners hold it to a FIELD GOAL.   17-10, Rams.

Unbelievably, the Whiners offense holds on the next series, and the Lambs PUNT.  You won't see that guy for 3 quarters. Whines respond on their series with a penalty, a sack, and 3rd and 17.  Undaunted, the Lambs find the 49ers a first down and follow it up with 12 men on the field!  But the Whiners pull off a sack, and....they still wobble one over the uprights for another field goal. 17-13, Rams.

With slightly over 2 minutes to go before half-time, the Niners get blinded by the yellow uniforms, and initiate their 2-minute penalty drill, the refs start throwing yellow flags and next thing you know Todd Gurley has scored his 3rd touchdown for the Lambinis.   BOOM.  24-13, Rams.

HALFTIME.  
At this point, one felt that the wheels were going to come off the 49er wagon, and the Rams would eventually win 40-13.  But as Buzz Lightyear once said: NOT TODAY.

3rd Quarter-
Rams open with a really juicy BOMB from Jared Goff to Willie Mays impersonator Sammy Watkins, the 49ers toss in an interference call after that, the Rams land at the 2 yard line, get scared, back it up the field, and kick a field goal, desperately trying to not get so dang far ahead.  27-13, Rams.

Whew. The Rams counter this defensive collapse by the Whines with their own, engineering open spaces for the entire field, timing a roughing the passer penalty perfectly, and the Whiners romp down the field as if they were the Patriots and Carlos Hyde blasts into the end zone from 1 yard out.  27-20, Rams.

At this point, you realize that nobody is punting, you better not change the channel, and it's pretty much a pick-up game at the park.  With really huge guys playing.

And, on cue, the 49ers counter with their own missing defense, multiple penalties, and the Rams find themselves stumbling into the end zone with Sammy Watkins takin it in on a pass from 1 yard out.  34-20, RAMS.

4th QUARTER
UNDAUNTED, the gassed LA defense gets burned for a huge sky-rocket bomb from Hoyer to Goodwin all the way down the field and before you can get annoyed by the Rams fans behind you and start a fight, the Whiners SCORE AGAIN.  Hey!  I'm supposed to be incredibly bored here!  Why are we standing up? These are the NINERS we're talking about.  But, just so you don't get too cocky, 49er placekicker Robbie Gold shanks the extra point.  34-26, LAMBS.

At this point, I think the entire starting lineup for the 49er defense is injured, and God knows who was in those suits out there. They were dropping like toddlers on an uphill hike, and you forgot the candy. The Lambs coast down the field, capping it with Watkin's second TD catch, and picking up maybe a possible concussion.  When are guys going to stop leading with their helmets?  Maybe when they go back to using leather helmets. 41- 26, RAMS.

Momentarily finding their Doormat acumen, the Whines drop a couple passes and PUNT, only their second of the game.  The Rams then counter with another PUNT.  Take that! It began to look like the fuel was on empty, and then everybody started to head for the exits...even those that never arrived in the first place.

And they missed this:  Another 50 yard bomb from Hoyer, this time to Pierre Garcon.  He was NOT open.  He just caught it anyway.  That Lamb defense is something to behold!  The Niners score again, possibly using up all their touchdowns for the next 7 games, and pull to 41-33 with 5:08 left.

Now on a mission, the Rams fumble the kickoff and the unsuspecting Niners fall on it.  Stunned all around, they take 8 plays to go 29 yards, score the TD....and miss the two point conversion.  41-39.

The ensuing onside kickoff bounces off a 49er helmet and the Whines recover!  LOOK OUT, you might WIN, Whiners! Now comes the part, if you are a Niner fan, you hate.  They get a first down that would have put them in field goal range, and the receiver gets hit with an offensive pass interference call, on a really dubious minor arm-push-off. In our Doormat world, we appreciate the killer penalty, but no ref should call something that ticky-tack at the end of a game when the competition is really high. And that was your ballgame. Now at 3rd and 20, Hoyer finally gets sacked by Rams DE Aaron Donald, who was in Hoyer's grill all night.

Game Over.  Hilarious, great Doormat game. These two teams, if they ever find a defense, will not remain Doormat members for much longer. But remember, these offenses look a lot better when these two teams play each other.  The Rams could achieve Parity this year.  The 49ers won't, but, please keep playing like that, guys.  At least against the other shaky defenses.  Doormat Ball the way it should be played.

Whiners 0-3 and have lost 9 straight home games (O-fer Niners), dating all the way back to last year's home opener against these same Rams.

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!

NFL WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PUNT INTO THE BLACK HOLE!!!

RRRRADIERS!  WHINERS!  JAGS AND TITANICS MOVE INTO 1ST!  VIKINGS TEETER ON RESPECTABILITY!  BROWNS SET TO RETURN TO BASEMENT!  NFC SOUTH CONTINUES MARCH TOWARDS...US!

Basement Duty

Sorry to be getting this out late, folks, but it took a looooong time to get out of the Black Hole and across the Raider parking lot yesterday after the game.  It was all serenity and love and...a lot of something else which we are nursing with the strongest coffee our outdoor grill can brew.  The basement is really really heating up, and that's not just because we finally got the other 1951 GE heater to stop shorting out.  Now that the beer-soaked carpet is a little less ooze-y, we can get down to business on the Commodore 64, and man did the Doormat Division have a great weekend.

RAIDERS 24,  SANTA CLARA 13
If you didn't see this, and you sure should have, the score is more like 41-3. The Battle of the Bay was all Raiders yesterday. Shedding their Doormat Division leading status, and instead coming out like the team that has a plan, the RRRRRaiders shellack the 49ers in the kind of humiliating beat-down only a team with Doormat aspirations can absorb.  The 49ers came out with guns blazing- QB Colin Kaepernick throws a strike to Raider DB Brandian Ross on the first play, and but for a brief feint at trying, after their only touchdown, Kaep dished up an array of over-thrown rockets and bullets into the dirt wrapped around a frantic performance in the pocket that looked for all the world like he's getting his play calls off his tattoos instead of the wrist wrap thing that for some bone head reason he still has to wear to know what's going on.   The Raider defense was flying around with brains in their helmets, unlike last week.

If there was any doubt about the 49er intentions yesterday, coach Harbaugh dispelled them by coming charging out of the tunnel with his team and....immediately running over to Raider Owner Mark Davis for a quick chat.  "Say, when do you want to talk contract for next season?"   I have never seen that.  Ever.

The Raider offensive line had no answer for the completely ineffective 49er D-line (hey, stop pushing!), and was forced to give QB Derek Carr enough time to age wine in the backfield. Once he popped the cork in the second quarter, Carr shredded the depleted bumbling 49er linebackers for solid gains the rest of the day.  The RRRaiders scored on consecutive possessions for the first time all season.  Carr looked- GREAT.  Really. Honest. Great job, Niners! Watching 300lb + tackle Donald Penn catch a TD pass and get a beer bath in the Black Hole was priceless...although I did pay for my ticket.

Seasoned Doormat readers know that if you give a Doormat extra time to prepare for a game, they'll really really blow it.  The Niners had 11 days to mangle whatever game plan they had, ignoring their running, scrambling and whatever else is left of their falling-on-deaf-ears coaching to deliver a must-lose stink bomb.  With the three games to go, against three teams they should get plastered by  (Seahawks, Chargers, Cardinals), the Whiners can wrap it all up at 7-9 and at least have Patio status here in the Basement.  What a season!  They've scored less TDs than the Raiders (23-24)!

The Raiders fall out of first and plummet to third, but only based on tie-breaker.  So, marvelous as the win was yesterday, they still have a solid chance of taking the Moldy Carpet.  After their last win, they brought in a 52-0 bomb, so, you know?

Here's this week's standings, and then let's run over the rest of the games with the snow plow-

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-11              237      348      -111

Washington     3-10              244      346      -102 

NY Giants        4-9               293      326      -33

Carolina          4-8-1            269     341       -72

New Orleans    5-8               333      359      -26

AFC             

Jacksonville     2-11            199      356      -157

Tennessee        2-11            220      374      -154

Oakland           2-11            200      350      -150           

NY Jets            2-11            214      349      -135

Cleveland*        7-6

*membership granted due to length of service and probable rest of season.

It's really pretty amazing that just 4 teams are handling all the losses for the entire AFC this year.

JAGUARS 13, TEXANS 27
The Gags play classic standard Doormat ball, scraping out a meager first-half lead (13-10), and then shut themselves out in the 2nd half.  Done and Done!   Jags are back in first the Doormat AFC.

TITANICS 7, GIANTS 36
The Titanics moved into a tie for first with the Jags and Raiders, and looked formidable doing it.  Going against the most implosive team in the NFL, the Titanics shrug off the Giants and their 7-game losing streak, and make it to 7 straight losses themselves. They staked the Giants to a 30-0 lead before Eli Manning did his usual pick-six or fumble/TD act, and the Titanics had to walk one in for a score.

JETS 24, VIKINGS 30 (OT)
It didn't come easy, but the Jets still pulled out the loss.  Former Viking WR receiver Percy Harvin nearly messed it all up, playing like the all-star he once was, but he exited with a sprained ankle in the 4th quarter and game momentum changed.  Despite Harvin's antics, the Jets kept it to one TD and FIVE Nick Folk field goals, keeping the loss attainable with just one dumb play, and once they got to overtime, they got it- a Vikes 89-yard TD pass for the win.  Vikings are a Parity team, now, hard to believe- but the Jets are tied for first in the logjam in the Doormat AFC.

BUCS 17, LIONS 34
It was close at halftime (17-10 Lions) but it was Doormat close. Bucs eat the post-game spread at the  half and come out like a team running in sand- Kat Box sand- for 26 total rushing yards.  Which is why the Kat Box is becoming a home-field advantage for the Kittens.  Bucs maintain one-game lead in Doormat NFC.

WASHINGTON 0, RAMS 24
Two shut-outs in row now for the Rams.  These guys better finish up with a winning record, because I'm not even allowing them on the Patio, even if they finish 7-9.  Much more deserving teams for that honor.  Deadskins QBs Colt McCoy and RGB III keep movin' on backward with seven sacks for an impressive -53 yards.  Toss in 3 turnovers and you will not lose to this team.  Forget it.  The Sunburns maintain pressure on Bucs for first in Doormat NFC.  They can still take the Moldy Carpet.  The mold is growing just for them.

BROWNS 24, COLTS 25
And the Johnny Timebomb era begins in Cleveland.  Browns almost win game, despite not scoring offensive touchdown.  And with Colts QB Andrew Luck doing his usual charity drives in the first half (two TDs for Brownie defense), the Blank Helmets were threatened with victory.  But, Brownie QB Bryan Hoyer has the footwork of a middling high-school QB, which he had on full display yesterday,  though I think Cleveland fans do a lot of avoidance therapy when the Browns have the ball. Did I just get a text?  Hoyer has danced himself to the bench.

SAINTS 10, PANTHERS 41
Just when you think someone is going to win 6 games in the NFC South, they throw you a curveball.  If Atlanta can lose tonight in Green Bay, just about a 100% chance,  there will be three games to play with only the faintest of faint glimmers that any of these teams can finish 8-8.  We're sticking to the 6-10 and they make it to the Super Bowl.  6-9-1 can even do it.  Absolutely pummeling the hapless Saints  in a physical mauling that has not been expected from the Pansies all year, Cam Newton and company pull the NFC South down one more notch and closer to glory.  I can't believe the determination and guts this division is showing to blow up the Super Bowl this season.

Something's GOTTA GIVE next week, folks- who can give the most?

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

WEEK 14 PREVIEW: The DYSFUNCTION BOWL in OAKLAND!!

The PREVIEW NFL DOORMAT WEEK 14

You Gotta Fight, For Your Right, to Be the 

WORST TEAM IN THE BAY AREA

49ers at RAIDERS

They're calling it the Dysfunction Bowl in the Bay Area, though really the Niners' dysfunction isn't really nearly as impressive- it's just more high profile. The fact that beat writers are comparing the two teams as equals in this regard is really kind of insulting to all the careful long-term planning the Raiders have put into their current stature. This could play into the Raider's gameplan- as in being worse than last week.  This isn't really possible, but we all have our fantasies.  This game will be the most fun that an ugly game can be. People are dreading this game around here, because of the Doormat potential. I'm almost drooling for this game to start. Niners may just leave Coach Harbaugh at the foot of Mt. Davis, as the scuttlebutt is he's gonna be the coach there next year, anyway.  It would be a spectacular stink bomb if the Raiders can pull out a victory (I won't say upset) but I have no idea how they would do that.  It's up the Niners, isn't it?

EDGE to LOSE:  RAIDERS

TONIGHT:

DALLAS at CHICAGO

Looks like a quagmire for the Cows, what with the demoralizing loss at home to Philly last week.  Bears have only beat teams that beat themselves (including the Niners).  Can the Cows beat themselves?  Can Bear QB Jay Cutler continue to just wreck a drive and look permanently stoned?  I think the Cows are ready.  

EDGE to LOSE:  COWBOYS

SUNDAY:

COLTS at BROWNS

Yeah, the Brownies may be 7-5, but, until they get to win #9, they really aren't out of the Basement.

Right?  You know it.  They're just barely stayin' afloat.  And you KNOW this game is Brian Hoyer's last chance before Johnny Touchdown gets to start screwing up right ON THE FIELD. The Colts last three victories were:  Giants, Jags, Skins.  Can you really call it a victory when your opponent is trying to win the Moldy Carpet? No. It's going to be a wild one.

EDGE to LOSE:  COLTS

GIANTS at TITANS

With a pairing of these nicknames, it's GOTTA BE HUGE.  It really boils down to who can throw the best game killing interception deep in the red zone late in the game, or turn the ball over deep in their own territory....Hey that's the same team!

EDGE to LOSE:  GIANTS

PANTHERS at SAINTS

The Saints have decided they would rather finish 6-10 and go all the way to the Super Bowl (which will be cancelled) than relax on our couch and eat cold pizza with us.  That's OK by us, we're behind their plan all the way. The Pansies had the week off 2 weeks ago, but played like it was bye last week vs. the Vikes.  A true Doormat treats a bye like the season ended.  I think that's what the Pansies have done, started redecorated the rumpus room in the Basement.  

EDGE to LOSE:  PANTHERS

RAMS at WASHINGTON

For the last 7 games the Rams have been alternating wins and losses.  They won last week.  But the Skinheads are in full implosion.  Are the Rams licking their chops at blowing out another hapless bunch of disorganized boobs?  Or will they waltz into D.C. thinking this one's in the bag?  Rams have coach who comes up with actual working game plans (not the Doormat way).  I'm going to go way out on a tomahawk and declare the Rambos will win two games in a row.  I'm hyperventilating.

EDGE to LOSE:  SKINS

JETS at VIKINGS

Good God, the Vikings just can't catch a break!  How many even worse Doormat teams are there that they play?  Who came up with this schedule?  It's hopeless.  Another couple victories and it's off to Parity Purgatory. 

EDGE to LOSE:  JETS

BUCS at LIONS

Anytime you play at the Kat Box it's no gimme, but the Plankwalkers are ready to lose big after losing small last week.

EDGE to GET BLOWN OUT:  BUCS

ASTROS at JAGUARS

I mean, the Texans.  Jaguars won last week.  And that was against Eli Manning's brilliant red zone blowups. Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick had a great game last week, so he should be exhausted and imprecise this time.  Still, the Jags....they have no idea how to win 2 in a row.  

EDGE to LOSE:  Jags

MONDAY:  

FALCONS at PACKERS

A night game, in December, in Green Bay.  Great.  Falcons had huge victory last week and beat a team with a winning record for the first time all year.  They're going to get trounced.  Packers played the Super Bowl last week, as you know. So, they'll be less than sharp.  They going to trounce the Falcons.

EDGE to LOSE:  FALCONS

sit back, relax...or go race go karts!

-wacko