The Doormat Division: NFL Week 4 Wrap-Up and Disposal
The Doormat Division is about who is doing the worst, and
doing it best.
It was an incredible weekend for racking up the stats in the
Doormat, and I don’t see why we shouldn’t tack them up right now:
NFL Week 4 Worst
Stats!!!!!
Turnovers: 6 Bills,
Chiefs
Interceptions:
4 Ryan
Fitzpatrick, Bills (season total
7, tied for lead)
Fumbles lost: 3 Jets,
Chiefs
Points: 0 Jets
First downs: 9 Jets
(noticing
a trend?)
Total yards: 145 Jets (Biplanes? Cropdusters?)
Pass yards: 100 Jets,
Vikings
Rush yards: 28 Cardinals (Jets 45)
Most yards and still lost: 438 Bills
(Panthers 426)
Out-gain the other team and still lose: +114 Lions (Saints
and Panthers do it too)
3rd down conversion: 1-12 Raydurzz
Sacked: 8 Cardinals
(and they WON)
Punts: 9 Cardinals
(and they WON)
Total interceptions: 26
Total lost fumbles: 20
that’s a LOT. It’s usually
about 10.
Penalties: 10-107 Buccaneers (Ravens got 11, but only 100 yards)
Time of poss: 22:35 Raydurzz
THE DOORMAT STANDINGS:
Won-lost and
point differential
AFC
Cleveland 0-4 -25
Tennessee 1-3 -70
Oakland 1-3 -58
Kansas City
1-3 -48
Jacksonville
1-3 -35
NFC
AINTS 0-4 -20
Carolina 1-3 -29
Detroit 1-3 -14
Tampa Bay
1-3 -9
St. Louis 2-2 -12
BACK ON TOP!!
AINTS 27,
PACKERS 28
We knew they would struggle, but who—eeeeee!!! The Aints sit alone atop the NFC
Doormat standings at a mighty 0-4,
after a wild finish where Saints kicker Garrett Hartley kicks a go-ahead
43-yard FG with 2:49 left, but WAIT- there’s a Saints penalty, so it’s a 53
yarder now, but wait the Packers are offside, so it’s a 48-yarder now. After all that, the only thing to do is
just miss the stupid uprights and lose.
Done. Next galling loss:
Chargers. The AINTS are smokin’
hot. I’ve never seen a team score
so many points and lose.
UGLY LOSS OF THE WEEKEND
This is a tough one. How about the Bills, who, leading 21-7 early in the 3rd, turn on the turnover machine and cough
it up SIX TIMES and get run over in a runaway loss 52-28 to the Pats? At Home? A Come From Ahead Loss that
turns into a Blowout? Ryan Fitzpatrick, not about to let some rookie in an
orange helmet with no logo steal his interception crown, cashes in 4 killer
INTs and ties Brandon Weeden for the league lead at 7. Toss in a couple fumbles and what an
ugly loss. Go get ‘em Nils!
Or this one-
VIKINGS 20, LIONS 13
The Yikings don’t score a TD on offense. The Kittens special teams start digging
a freeway in the Kat Box, and the Yikes run back a punt and a kickoff for 2
TDs. Peeeeuw! Kittens can’t light the wet fuse that is their late game heroics
(which aren’t winning games anyway) and bring back the memories for the
faithful in Detroit. Where’s my
Matt Millen cut-out?
In the last 4 seasons, plus up to Week 4 this year, the
Kittens have beaten teams with winning records exactly TWICE. And the last one was TWO YEARS AGO
against the Packers. Rowr! Ffft!!
Or THIS ONE:
CARDINALS 24,
DOLPHINS 21
The Floppers, leading 21-14, with 5:00 left in the game,
turn to rookie QB Ryan Tannehill to pull out the loss- putting one on the rug that the
Cardinals snag and then drive to tie the game with and send this baby into
overtime. Tannehill then wisely
plays the INT card in OT and the Cruds have no option but to line up the kick
and scrape one over the uprights for the win. Despite getting sacked 8 times, throwing two INTs, getting
28 yards rushing and amassing 435 yards on 9 punts, the Crudinals cannot catch
a break and keep on winning.
They’re 4-0 for crying out loud.
We’ve still got their bobblehead on the bar in the Basement! The Flops live on in Doormat
lore.
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE
RAMS 19, SEAHAWKS 13
The Lambs get out-coached again by Pete Carroll, and the
Seahags remind us that they aren’t out of the basement yet by losing to the
worst NFC team of the past decade.
TEXANS 38, TITANS 14
Titanics get
blown out in a solid loss. Tennessee stays in the Doormat race at 1-3.
BENGALS 27, JACKSONVILLE 10
Flying under the radar this week, the Gaguars just put in
the time and get the loss. Nothing
fancy. Just straight-up
professional losing.
FALCONS 30, PANTHERS 28
Yet another loss snatched from the jaws of victory, the
Panthers pull off a classic, pinning the opponent at the 1 with a minute to
go…and losing the ballgame. The
Panthers really need to play the AINTS and decide who can rack up the most
yards and points and STILL lo- Oh, wait, they already beat the AINTS for their only victory. The AINTS rule the roost!
CHARGERS 37, CHIEFS 20
Whenever you hear me saying the Cheaps should win a game,
don’t believe it. Deep down I
don’t believe they should win a single game, and boy did they do it up at
Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium yesterday.
Don’t let that score fool you.
It might as well have been 222-0.
SIX turnovers and a world of hurt for the football fanatics that had to
watch that bombshell of a detonated football game. The Cheaps still have Oakland on the schedule-twice, the
Dolts and the Brownies. It will be
tough, but don’t count them out yet in the tough AFC Doormat. Next Loss: Baltimore.
aaaAAAAAAAND That’s The View
from the BASEMENT!!!!
