ALERT! JETS attempt to slip by us with a game TONIGHT!!

ALERT! ALERT!

JETS TRYING TO STAGE GAME ON SATURDAY NIGHT IN QUEENS BEFORE ANYBODY NOTICES

Well, they won't get away with it THAT easily.   Tonight, in chilly NYC, with a game-time temp of about 33º and rain in the forecast, a miserable crowd of literally hundreds of people will huddle under their Gang Green ponchos and paper bagged heads to watch the hot New York Jets (fresh off their scintillating OT victory against the worst 49er team of all time) take on the suddenly bumbling Dolphins.  What else is there to do in NYC on a Saturday in December one week before Christmas? We could try to pull an eat and run over at Trump Tower...

Will the Jets win two games in a row??  They did it once this year (Ravens and Browns...maybe Browns don't count).  With a Fins defense that can't wait to thrash the patch-work Jets offensive line, and with the likelihood of Jets QB Bryce Petty getting chased all over a butt-freezing field, I'd say no.  But, it's not like the Dolphins know where the end zone is, either.  It may be even harder to find in the dark.  

But lousy weather in the northeast, at night, against those warm Miami guys...I can't look.  

I can't wait!!

-Wacko

Doormat Division Week 1 Wrap Up and Drive Into the Turf

AND THEY’RE OFF!!!

It was one of the most amazing Week 1 blast-offs (and crash-landings) ever yesterday for the Doormat Division and the whole NFL.  31 total interceptions, which eclipsed any weekend last year, and there are still 2 games to go!  And with Carson Palmer and Philip  Rivers flinging into the night tonight, who knows where it will all end?

Leading the way in the early going was last year’s interception king Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Buffalo Nils, who threw three in the first half, and cashed in one for a touchdown.  Obviously, though, QBs looked at the stats over the summer and the competition is going to be incredible:  Michael Vick and Brandon Weedon (Brownies) threw 4 each,  and Matt Stafford got 3 in before Lion’s fans had found their seats.  The Dolts and Floppers each chipped in 3 as well, so OBVIOUSLY it’s going to take something special to be the interception king this year.  

Toss in the replacement officials, and this is shaping up to be a storybook year for the Doormat.

Let’s get to the games!

Denver Broncos 31, Pittsburgh Steelers 19

Why is this game even here?  Because this may be the year that ol’ Big Ben can’t quite get of his own way.  5 Sacks in game 1 after last year’s humbling playoff defeat to…the Denver Broncos.  2 in a row to the same team.   Yes, Peyton Manning is there, without the bug wings and tapenade,  but still.  Not a good sign.

Keep an eye on these guys- how low can they go?  What’s a good Doormat name for the Steelers?  The Stöllen?  The Aluminum Foil?  The Tinsmiths?

Detroit Lions 27  St. Louis Rams 23

It was like old times at the Kat Box yesterday, and the Kittens nearly brought home the misery, you could SMELL it, but they were up against the champs, so not even 3 INTs and a lotta replacement official bumbling could bring them the loss.  The Lambs are just too much- and their expert final defensive ‘stand’ yielded the crucial go-head TD for Detroit, with a mere :10 seconds left on the clock, and no chance for the Lions to blow it.   Amazing.   What do ya gotta do against these guys??

Are these guys laughing?

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Tampa and Carolina brought home a real stiff yesterday,  with a parade of field goals and some seriously boring football, but we have to go with:

Eagles 17, Browns 16

Glad to see the Brownies take the honors this week, as both teams combine for a lofty EIGHT interceptions and FIVE fumbles!!   That’s a SLUF-GEST, folks, where nobody wants the damn ball.   Brownies check in with only 12 first downs and 210 total yards, and no offensive TD. Despite the 4 interceptions, they still get off 7 punts.  Folks, that's Hall of Fame kind of performance. The Eagles may have been bad, but the Brownies are professionals. So, even the late interception return for a Brownies TD, and the lead, was not going to do it.   Brownies guide the Eagles into end zone with 1:18 remaining, and the home crowd prepares itself for another season of Blank Helmet Football.   Cream of the Doormat.

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

This is a tough call, because a log-jam of 20-point losses crowd the landscape. 

Houston Texans 30,  Miami Dolphins 10

The Floppers take it, because they had lowest point total (even though the Titans lost by 21).   Miami started some guy named Tannehill at QB and he cashed in 3 INTs.  Bing!  Fumbled 3 times.  Bing!   And did not score an offensive TD.  BONG!

Floppers dive to the bottom of the AFC East just like that.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Cardinals 20,  Seahawks 16

Another game nobody wanted, right down to the final mangled attempt at a red-zone score with seconds remaining for the Seahags.  Even the extra time-out from the replacement officials could not sway the Seahag strategy.  This is Coach Carrol we’re talking about here.   The Crudinals, a team with so much Doormat promise, cannot withstand losing their starting quarterback and a motivated back-up.  Game-Set-Match to the guys from Grayville.   That NFC West is going to be tough.  49ers will have a 17 game lead at the end of the season.

Minnesota 26,  Jacksonville 23  (OT)

Somebody  had to win.

Falcons 40,  Chiefs  24

This game was tied 17-17 at one point.  That must seem like a long time ago to the Cheaps.  

Bears 41,  Colts 21

OK, I watched this one.   Andrew Luck is going to be good.  He’s also going to get hammered and have about .10 seconds to throw on most downs.   Let’s see how he’s doing in 7 weeks, after getting intimate with every rug in the NFL he plays on.  Think Jim Plunkett and the Boston Patriots.  The Dolts still have what I have to describe as a hilarious defense.  The DBs have some sort of ‘fire drill’ pattern that borders on slapstick.   This takes practice, and the Dolts still have the losing touch.   Luck or no Luck, these guys can LOSE.

Bucs 16, Panthers  10

The Bootineers Losing Culture Club must be in shock here.  Against all expectations, and with so much preparation, the Boots win the game,  and I get to say Pansies again!  Woo-Hoo!

Bucs snap the 10-game losing skid.   Now they just have to start another.

Jets 48,  Bills 28

Wow.  QB Ryan Fitzpatrick picks up where he left off last year and the Nils look like the same team that ended up 6-10 last year.   Of course, next week the Jets could lose by 30.

Extra note:  keep an eye on the New Orleans Saints.  They still have a wild offense, but they just may have a disaster brewing on defense.  RGB III is obviously going to be great, and the Shanaplan is coming to fruition, but some of those 40 points from the Deadskins falls squarely on the Aint’s defense.

NFL 2012 WEEK 1  Amazing Lows

Points:                     10            Dolphins,  Panthers

First Downs            12            Browns

Yards:                      210            Browns

Rush:                       23            Titans

Pass:                        111            Browns

Sacked                     5            Steelers

INT                          4            Eagles, Browns

Punts                        7            Browns  (how do you punt 7 times when you throw 4 INTs??)

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!

Thanksgiving Pride

Packers 27, Kittens 15

Ah, yes, Detroit pride and Thanksgiving. Years and years of the biggest sleeping pill of a game to mix perfectly with the tryptophan in your turkey to put you out like a light for the whole day. But things are different now, right? Well, yes. And no. The Kittens pulled one out of the hat at the Kat Box yesterday, just for old times sake, and put up a stinker before a raucous crowd, and apparently some very fine looking ladies from Detroit (lots of pride there) to honor their loooooooooooooooooooooooooong standing tradition of being the worst best worst option for football on Turkey day. Matt Stafford continues his slide into fantastic pointless yardage pile quarterback, amassing 409 total yards while tossing 3 interceptions. Add to this some of the ugliest stupid penalties I've seen all year, lead by Mr. Knucklehead, Ndamukong Suh, who really needs to be kicked out of 5-6 games for his Bonehead Forest antics. It wasn't just a loss, it was an EMBARRASSMENT. They haven't made it to 8 wins yet, Doormat Fans, and let's just see what happens now after the wheels fell off in the biggest game of their season.

Cowboys 20, Dolphins 19

The Floppers lose again when they should have won. That's Doormat Ball! Fish out of water! Floppers improve to 3-8, and a stunning 1-5 on the road. They are this year's Buffalo Nils....except the Nils are turning into this year's Nils.

Ravens 16, 49ers 6

Yes, I know this is NOT a Doormat game, but the NINE sacks of 49er QB Alex Smith has to be mentioned because it's going to hold up as the season high. The Hairball, oh, I mean, Harbowl lived up to expectations, except Jim Harbaugh seems to have had no response to the absurd bum's rush of the quarterback, like, say a TE release or a RB screen pass as the 14 Ravens head for Smith's disappearing frame. Niners get serious wake-up call.

aaaAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

THANKSGIVING FROZEN TURKEY SPIN

Thanksgiving, where turkeys are the main event. At least, in years past it's been that way. The Lions, the Bears,- teams that, in years past, provided us with nap time football every Thanksgiving. Then, of course, the Cowboys....maybe there's a Smurfs movie on.

But that's all different tomorrow! Sorta.

Packers-Lions

Lions are still here, but no longer a doormat, and it looks like the are going to make it to 8 victories this year, which will mean we have to remove their logo from the Doormat totem pole. It's going to take a miracle to beat the Packers, and Lions only hope is to turn it into a Slufgest. No turkey spin.

49ers-Ravens

Another team that is not a doormat anymore, and has ALREADY made it to 8 victories. The Harbowl is upon us, and everybody just wants the game to end so we can see the handshake.

No turkey spin.

But have no fear, people, there is ONE doormat team in the lineup:

Miami Dolphins (3-7) at Dallas Cowboys (6-4)

The Floppers have been having a real good time in Florida. They'll be a fish out of water in Dallas. Cowpies, 31-20

DOORMAT ALERT!

Kyle Orton, the man who lead the Denver Broncos to a very hopeful doormat start of 1-4, has been released. Since benching him and installing Tim Tebow and the option offense, the Buncos have gone 4-1. Don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out!

Now, Orton could be a very good addition to a doormat team in the stretch run- or, even better, a team that has aspirations to run the table and lose out the whole schedule. Kansas City comes to mind (though I think Tyler Palko looks very promising there). The real kicker would be the Bears taking Orton back after shipping him off to the Bunco hinterland last off-season. That would pick up the Yikings spirits, should they want to try to win a game. The Houston Texans have lost Matt Schaub, and plugging Orton in there could really get the drive-killing interceptions going, and just get the whole team going in a new direction. It's all very intriguing.

Happy Thanksgiving to all Doormat Denizens everywhere, and may your frozen turkeys thaw nicely.

- the guys in the Basement

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK SEVEN SLUFGEST

The Doormat Division: Where You CAN Win for Losing

Browns 6, Seahawks 3

You can’t just show up in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake-Sale and expect to pick up an easy loss. Forget it. Don’t be fooled by that friendly pregame handshake between the coaches. They’re more malevolent than any Jim Harbaugh explicative and forearm shiver.

Faced with the real possibility of making it to .500, the Brownies do their utmost to position the Seahags for an easy early score and victory, pulling two 3 and outs to start the game, but the Hags counter with three of their own. Undaunted, the Brownies set up a perfect blocked field goal play, giving the Seahags the ball at their own 48 (they tried to let it roll farther, but finally had to down it). Unimpressed , Seattle counters with the most sure play in sports, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, with backup extraordinaire Charlie Whitehurst pulling off the play as best as can be expected from someone who has been on the sideline all year- perfectly. Brownies take over at midfield, take it to 4^th and 3, line up to punt, but Seattle is ready for this, and lines up offside for the classic bonehead dumb-f@*k play by a defense- the neutral zone infraction. You don’t have to burn a single calorie for that. FIRST DOWN- take that, Cleveland. Three more plays of ineptitude, and the Brownies can’t really punt from there, it’s just too obvious, so they have to try a field goal, and the damn thing goes through the uprights. 3-0 Brownies.

[You know, the Brownies have it tough this year- so far they have had to face off with the Dolts (Colts), Floppers (Dolphins), Seahawks, and will still have to play St. Louis, the Crudinals, and the Gaguars. That’s a murderer’s row in the Doormat. That’s a WHO’S WHO in the NFL WORST.]

But back to the game, if we can call it that. 47 punts and an interception later, the Brownies punt again (my foot is sore just writing this) and do the special teams Scramble, opening up a lane a Biggest Loser could fit through, and the Seahags score a touchdown!

Except no! A game-saving penalty illegal block nowhere near the ballcarrier nullifies the phantom only touchdown of the game, and it’s back to the maneuvering. Brownies coach Pete Shurmer flips off Pete Carroll. Seattle continues the brilliant play calling by calling the deep interception. Brownies coaches failed to yell loud enough for the safety to drop the damn ball. Defensive coordinator throws down his clipboard and glowers. Brownies counter with another 3 and out.

Brownies finally put together something so inept that even Whitehurst can’t screw it up, and the Seahags get a long pass for 40 yards. Brownies call a timeout, to arrange the scoring drive from there. A hilariously obvious face mask for 15 yards moves Seattle into field goal range, and the Hags put on the brakes really hard right there. Once again, the ball wobbles through the uprights and the Stiff of the Week (and maybe the century) is TIED. 3-3 mid 3^rd quarter. The lines at the concession stand are epic, and the parking lot barbecues start to smoke.

It’s really a shame this game didn’t go to overtime. What else is there to do in Cleveland than to watch a game of this caliber?? If you want to get an idea of what eternity is like, attend this game. The very next drive the Seahags maneuver the Brownies down the field expertly, falling down, falling over and getting out of harm’s way. Brownies try to stop the carnage, but can’t. Yet another 53 yard field goal floats through the goalposts, and Cleveland regains the lead, 6-3. There was plenty of time of time left, and the Brownies called another blocked field goal play, but it came to nothing as the Hags end the game with a PERFECT bonehead personal foul to give Cleveland the first down and run out the clock. The Brownies tried, but the Seahags had the better game plan, and the most grind-it-out loss of the season goes to the pros from Mold City, the Seattle Seahags. Seahags have possession of ball for only 17 minutes the entire game. This is a Doormat record. Hats off to Pete Carroll and his coaching staff for a brilliant Doormat performance. Whew!

BA-LOOOOOOOWWWWWW-OUT of the WEEK

Colts 7, Saints 62

I don’t know how anybody is going to stop the Dolts. These guys just are hitting on all cylinders. Every single phase of the game is fine-tuned now, right down to the glum wide receivers on the sideline looking up into the domed sky, and the back-up QB who looks personally ashamed for the whole franchise. Unfortunately for the Dolts, the cloning lab Peyton Mannings won’t be ready for another 19 years, so guess what? Settle back and enjoy some consecutive Doormat Molday Carpet Trophies. God, I wish the Lambs were on the schedule. I’d PAY to watch that. Saints win by largest margin in franchise history, which is saying something considering Drew Brees is just about the slingin-est QB on the planet. This record should last until….next week when they play the Lambs.

Rams 7, Cowboys 34

Sam Bradford takes a seat on the bench, and Tony Romo has no answer for the losing machine that is the St. Louis Lambs. The institutional level of losing is so professional, that it’s going to take the Crudinals to get a win out of the Lambs, and I doubt even that.

The Lambs pick up the news that rookie Cowpie RB Demarco Murray does not have a rushing TD yet, and decide to do something memorable: a 1^st quarter 98 yard saunter straight down the field for the longest first career TD since the AFL-NFL merger in 1492. Game over.

SPECIAL HONORS!

Raydurz 0, Cheaps 28

Rustiest QBs award goes to the Oakland Raiders who unveil a barrage of interceptions between Kyle Boller and Mr. Creaky, Carson Palmer, in the kind of embarrassment that had Al Davis spinning in his crypt all afternoon. I hope the lid is real tight on that thing.

3 interceptions apiece for the tag-team Clowns in Silver in Black. SIX interceptions, with two run back for touchdowns. Cheaps have no chance against this onslaught, absolutely no answer, and pull to 3-3. A sell-out crowd of Silver and Blacked Out are wearing two eye patches by halftime. Raydurz in serious trouble and may be returning to the basement immediately. It’s not like we run a tight ship down here, but I really hated cleaning up after those guys.

THE REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL

Honestly, I could be writing all day, yesterday was so incredible.

Dolphins 15, Broncos 18

If it hadn’t been for the Seahags-Brownies, this is the game of the week in the Doormat.

And it didn’t disappoint. The Dolphins, with their perfect record in serious jeopardy, pull off the best Come From Ahead loss of the season, giving up 15 points in about 30 seconds in the 4^th quarter, taking it to overtime and, after the Donkeys do just about nothing in OT, finally call the old standby, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, and the Donks have no choice but to attempt a field goal, which clears the uprights in Miami and sends all those Tim (two left feet) Tebow fans home happy, and the Floppers home still neck and neck (get it?) with the Dolts. 11 total sacks in the game! Up next for the Flops- the Giants, which is no gimme. Donkeys ‘improve’ to 2-4 and play the alarmingly deflated Detroit Kittens next week.

Steelers 32, Cardinals 20

The Crudinals may not be tearing the league up with ineptitude, but they are still pulling down the ‘L’s and you can’t argue with their prime weapon: the perfectly timed penalty. Steelers get 4 free first downs at just the right moment, and the rest is gravy.

Vikings 27, Packers 33

Yet another Come-From-Ahead loss for the Yikings- that’s five out of six losses. It’ll set a record, if they keep it up.

Panthers 33, Redskins 20

Pansies try really hard to keep to field goals, leading only 9-6 at halftime, but it all falls apart in the second half, as the Deadskins start a concerted gameplan of turnovers and orange cone defense (complete with flagmen), and the Pansies have no chance but to run through green lights for the entire second half. Congratulations, Pansie fans. Your team won a second game before the mid-way point of the season.

Tune in tonight for Monday Night Embarrassment, as the Jacksonville Gaguars go on primetime for the Jack Del Rio Swansong against the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes.

THE WORST STATS FOR NFL WEEK SEVEN !!!

Points: 0 Raydurz

First Downs: 9 Seahags

Total yards: 137 Seahags

Passing: 72 Seahags

Rushing: 32 Buccaneers

3^rd down con: 1-12 Kittens (looking like their old selves)

Turnovers: 6 Raydurz

Sacked: 7 Donkeys

Punts: 9 Donkeys (17 for the game total)

Penalties: 14-120 Raydurz (they just don’t stop)

Time of Poss: 17:04 Seahags (Doormat record)

NFL Worst Predictions Week 7

New Offensive Front Line for Miami 

​The NFL worst move into Week 7 showing great signs of true badness.

For the Dolphins, nothing else has worked, so the Miami Floppers decided to think out of the box and go with a new front line for pass protection. Chad Henne is going to need it as he has only thrown for 868 yards all season and balanced his passing with 4 interceptions and 4 touchdowns. The tough part is he has been eating tartan turf most of the road games. At least he gets soft, moist grass at home. This new front line, hopefully, will distract pass rushers long enough for Henne to actually throw the ball while not running for his life and screaming for his mother.

This week the pass rushers are the Denver Donkeys, a defense that gives up 300 yards a game average. So, their average. But this should be the Doormat Division matchup of the week. Denver was in the Doormat Bowl last year and may get there again this year. Miami has shown this season that they can lose any game. Should be a good time on the moldy duct tape covered couch.

And speaking of offense and defense ratings, the Patsies have the top rated offense and the lowest rated defense in the NFL through week 6. Who says you can't win without defense? Oh, they didn't always win? My bad.

And now it's time for all of the NFL Week 7 Predictions for the Doormat Division:

Seahags- 12

Brownies- 9

Donkeys- 24

Floppers- 21

Deadskins- 17

Pansies- 14

(Actually, this is a game the Pansies can win. But they won't.)

Cheeps- 10

Raiders- 35

Steelers- 21

Crudinals- 17

Lambs- 0

Cowpies- 16

Dolts- 13

Saints- 36

Gaguars- 7

Ravens- 28

And now for the blowout of the week--

Green Bay- 46

Yikings- 6

And let's give a Doormat shout out to the NY Zeps. Your doormat is at the design shop right now.

Bolts- 28

Zeps- 10