Doormat Division Week 1 Wrap Up and Drive Into the Turf

AND THEY’RE OFF!!!

It was one of the most amazing Week 1 blast-offs (and crash-landings) ever yesterday for the Doormat Division and the whole NFL.  31 total interceptions, which eclipsed any weekend last year, and there are still 2 games to go!  And with Carson Palmer and Philip  Rivers flinging into the night tonight, who knows where it will all end?

Leading the way in the early going was last year’s interception king Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Buffalo Nils, who threw three in the first half, and cashed in one for a touchdown.  Obviously, though, QBs looked at the stats over the summer and the competition is going to be incredible:  Michael Vick and Brandon Weedon (Brownies) threw 4 each,  and Matt Stafford got 3 in before Lion’s fans had found their seats.  The Dolts and Floppers each chipped in 3 as well, so OBVIOUSLY it’s going to take something special to be the interception king this year.  

Toss in the replacement officials, and this is shaping up to be a storybook year for the Doormat.

Let’s get to the games!

Denver Broncos 31, Pittsburgh Steelers 19

Why is this game even here?  Because this may be the year that ol’ Big Ben can’t quite get of his own way.  5 Sacks in game 1 after last year’s humbling playoff defeat to…the Denver Broncos.  2 in a row to the same team.   Yes, Peyton Manning is there, without the bug wings and tapenade,  but still.  Not a good sign.

Keep an eye on these guys- how low can they go?  What’s a good Doormat name for the Steelers?  The Stöllen?  The Aluminum Foil?  The Tinsmiths?

Detroit Lions 27  St. Louis Rams 23

It was like old times at the Kat Box yesterday, and the Kittens nearly brought home the misery, you could SMELL it, but they were up against the champs, so not even 3 INTs and a lotta replacement official bumbling could bring them the loss.  The Lambs are just too much- and their expert final defensive ‘stand’ yielded the crucial go-head TD for Detroit, with a mere :10 seconds left on the clock, and no chance for the Lions to blow it.   Amazing.   What do ya gotta do against these guys??

Are these guys laughing?

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Tampa and Carolina brought home a real stiff yesterday,  with a parade of field goals and some seriously boring football, but we have to go with:

Eagles 17, Browns 16

Glad to see the Brownies take the honors this week, as both teams combine for a lofty EIGHT interceptions and FIVE fumbles!!   That’s a SLUF-GEST, folks, where nobody wants the damn ball.   Brownies check in with only 12 first downs and 210 total yards, and no offensive TD. Despite the 4 interceptions, they still get off 7 punts.  Folks, that's Hall of Fame kind of performance. The Eagles may have been bad, but the Brownies are professionals. So, even the late interception return for a Brownies TD, and the lead, was not going to do it.   Brownies guide the Eagles into end zone with 1:18 remaining, and the home crowd prepares itself for another season of Blank Helmet Football.   Cream of the Doormat.

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

This is a tough call, because a log-jam of 20-point losses crowd the landscape. 

Houston Texans 30,  Miami Dolphins 10

The Floppers take it, because they had lowest point total (even though the Titans lost by 21).   Miami started some guy named Tannehill at QB and he cashed in 3 INTs.  Bing!  Fumbled 3 times.  Bing!   And did not score an offensive TD.  BONG!

Floppers dive to the bottom of the AFC East just like that.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Cardinals 20,  Seahawks 16

Another game nobody wanted, right down to the final mangled attempt at a red-zone score with seconds remaining for the Seahags.  Even the extra time-out from the replacement officials could not sway the Seahag strategy.  This is Coach Carrol we’re talking about here.   The Crudinals, a team with so much Doormat promise, cannot withstand losing their starting quarterback and a motivated back-up.  Game-Set-Match to the guys from Grayville.   That NFC West is going to be tough.  49ers will have a 17 game lead at the end of the season.

Minnesota 26,  Jacksonville 23  (OT)

Somebody  had to win.

Falcons 40,  Chiefs  24

This game was tied 17-17 at one point.  That must seem like a long time ago to the Cheaps.  

Bears 41,  Colts 21

OK, I watched this one.   Andrew Luck is going to be good.  He’s also going to get hammered and have about .10 seconds to throw on most downs.   Let’s see how he’s doing in 7 weeks, after getting intimate with every rug in the NFL he plays on.  Think Jim Plunkett and the Boston Patriots.  The Dolts still have what I have to describe as a hilarious defense.  The DBs have some sort of ‘fire drill’ pattern that borders on slapstick.   This takes practice, and the Dolts still have the losing touch.   Luck or no Luck, these guys can LOSE.

Bucs 16, Panthers  10

The Bootineers Losing Culture Club must be in shock here.  Against all expectations, and with so much preparation, the Boots win the game,  and I get to say Pansies again!  Woo-Hoo!

Bucs snap the 10-game losing skid.   Now they just have to start another.

Jets 48,  Bills 28

Wow.  QB Ryan Fitzpatrick picks up where he left off last year and the Nils look like the same team that ended up 6-10 last year.   Of course, next week the Jets could lose by 30.

Extra note:  keep an eye on the New Orleans Saints.  They still have a wild offense, but they just may have a disaster brewing on defense.  RGB III is obviously going to be great, and the Shanaplan is coming to fruition, but some of those 40 points from the Deadskins falls squarely on the Aint’s defense.

NFL 2012 WEEK 1  Amazing Lows

Points:                     10            Dolphins,  Panthers

First Downs            12            Browns

Yards:                      210            Browns

Rush:                       23            Titans

Pass:                        111            Browns

Sacked                     5            Steelers

INT                          4            Eagles, Browns

Punts                        7            Browns  (how do you punt 7 times when you throw 4 INTs??)

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!