DOORMAT VICTORY!

Denver Broncos 29, Pittsburgh Steelers 23

They may have ended up 8-8, but we still consider them part of the family. And, like last year's Doormat Playoff representative, the Seahags, the Denver Bunco-Donky-Bunks do it again!!

The heavily favored Steelers have to travel to the division winner of the worst division in the NFL (that's not REALLY true, but the records are the worst), and get knocked off by a team that people keep insisting is really terrible.

I'm not going to go all Tebowing on you guys, because these are the guys that ruined my chance at the Moldy Carpet Fantasy League trophy, but that was one of the more unusual paths to victory I've seen in a while.

Give coach John Fox credit for coming up with a crafty game plan- the Pittsburgh defense was totally deked about 10 times. When you have receivers AVERAGING 50 yards per reception, somebody is getting faked out of their jockstrap. An entire defense is out of position. I've never seen a team more convinced, like the Steelers were, that the Broncos weren't really going to pass the ball. I have never seen a team overload the line that much, or more eager to commit to a run than today's Steeler defense. Guys- it's just a QB that runs an option. Play a little more conventional defense. Oops!

Sure, the Steelers were banged up. So? What a gameplan- run it, unless you throw the bomb. Those short over the middle passes going for huge gains though....Steeler meltdown.

see you next week for a rumpus in New England.

-Wacko

AS THE FROZEN TURKEY SPINS: NFL WEEK 11 PREVIEW

Broncos best reception of the night: a pick-six

Broncos 17 Jets 13

I hate these Thursday night games. I’ve barely recovered from my NFL Sunday hangover, the Basement is still awash in pizza boxes and beer cans, and now we have to start getting out our predictions by Thursday morning. Come ON.

I bet the New York Jets hate Thursday night, now, too. Tim Tebow is now leading the charge for what is the most unique phenomenon in the NFL- a team playing pure doormat ball (until the final 5 minutes), and winning games! It’s the best of both worlds! Except the Buncos now have no chance to win the Moldy Carpet, and they sure aren’t going to win the Stuper Bowl. But, enjoy this time, Denver phans, because NFL teams are going to start watching video of the past 5 games, and the good teams (wait, do the Broncos play any of those?) will be figuring out your 1 ½ dimension team.

11 first downs! 56 total plays! 104 yards passing! These stats could hold up as WORST NFL STATS of the Week, and it’s only Friday! What are the Buncos doing right? Their defense is keeping it close. Tebow is not getting sacked quite so often anymore, and the guy sure does know how to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat, which is just not the Doormat way. The Donkey-Buncos have 6 games left to get an education, but there are some pretty shaky opponents in that mix, with only Chicago and New England looking like a sure L. All you Bronco haters out there, they’ve just upped the ante!

Okay, on to the preview:

NFL WEEK 11 Preview and Frozen Turkey Spin

Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose

Game of the Week!

Seattle Seahawks (3-6) at St. Louis Rams (2-7)

Last time these two Doormat titans met, it was for all the marbles in the NFC Worst, and a place in history as the Seahags became the first team in history to win a Division with a losing record (7-9). The Hags are one of the worst road teams on the planet. The Lambs, fresh off their second straight win, will be straining to maintain their Doormat cred, but it just might not be enough.

EDGE: Seahags

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6) at Cleveland Browns (3-6)

Another week, another Brownie-Bake-Sale in Cleveland. Pour another bowl of Chomps Cereal, sit back, and close your eyes, Cleveland. The Moldy Carpet could have been yours, but you squandered your chances in the early season, winning games you should have lost, and now look- a 3-6 record, a paper bag, and some scissors. The Gaguars, continuing their tour of the quietest stadiums in the NFL, fresh off their failure to out-lose the Dolts, will be really bringing it. The ineptitude, I mean. This is the game that asks the question: why haven’t any NFL coaches been fired yet?

EDGE: Brownies

Buffalo Bills (5-4) at Miami Dolphins (2-7)

The Bills are teetering near Nils territory folks. With one more loss, they’ll be back at .500, and will be allowed to hunker over the grill on our patio. The Floppers have become the Doormat bully lately, suddenly finding their alter-ego, and tromping teams somewhat decisively. Shocking. Time for some over-confidence!

EDGE: Floppers

Dallas Cowboys (5-4) at Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Deadskins are on a 5-game roll, and the Cowpies pulled themselves over .500 last week. The Deadskins are past mediocre now. They’re a fixture at the bar in the Basement.

EDGE: Deadskins

Arizona Cardinals (3-6) at San Francisco 49ers (8-1)

The Crudinals were no match for the Pheebles last week, so they’ve gone back to the drawing board to figure out what is going on. No worries, Doormat fans, even though I can’t get used to seeing “8-1” next to the 49ers in the standings, the Cruds will have trouble crossing the 50 yard line in this one. Look for one pick-six in this affair.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

Oakland Raiders (5-4) at Minnesota Vikings (2-7)

The Raiders have scraped all the rust off Carson Palmer, the receiving corps is pumped to say the least, and the Yikings will be hoving into sight at just about the right moment on Sunday- losing time. Now, the Raydurz can play a sloppy, boneheaded game with the best of them, so anything is possible, but right now I’m seeing 4 touchdowns out of the Silver and Black,and I think the Yikes have stopped doing that now. After all, it’s Week 11, guys are getting more than tired.

EDGE: YIKINGS

Carolina Panthers (2-7) at Detroit Lions (6-3)

If the Lions can blow this one at the Cat Box, people might start looking over their shoulder to see if Matt Millen’s ghost is floating by. The Kitties have looked sloppy and unfocused, Matt Stafford has started doing that ‘flinging it’ thing he does when he’s tanking, and the wheels are wobbling. Lose this one, and it’s a short week before the Packers show up and start kicking cat litter in their face. Pansies really tanked last week. Newton will play better, but the Pansies are better at coming close but no cigar than any other team.

EDGE: Pansies

Philadephia Eagles at New York Giants

“How bad could it be?” Michael Vick has broken ribs, the Eagles have forgotten how to use LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson is either unhappy or screwing up, and the Pheebles will come skulking into the Jimmy Hoffa Memorial End Zone Sunday, hoping to pull their feet out of the cement shoes they’re being fitted for. Not a chance.

EDGE: Pheebles

Blowout of the Week

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots

The Cheaps are 15 point underdogs on Monday night, and it’s just the kind of national stage that gets a coach fired from a team he is running into the ground. Hard to get fired when your stars are out for the season, though, with QB Matt Cassel handing the punishment over to Tyler Palko (first start ever) and RB Jamaal Charles checked out for the duration of the season. The Cheaps have given up nine sacks in the last two weeks. They may get that many more come Monday night.

EDGE and complete abyss: CHEAPS

TIME TO SUMMON THE ORACLE AND

SPIN THE FROZEN TURKEY.

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 8 Par-tay!!

PARTY IN ST. LOUIS!!!!

St. Louis Rams 31, New Orleans Saints 21

You didn’t see that coming, did you? What was our prediction? 73-0? 222-0? Here’s what we all forgot: the Saints tend to play really poorly the week after they blow somebody out. And I mean. Cardinals win the World Series and the Lambs actually win a game. Averaging a blowout per game (28-9 average), the Lambs get in on the parade in St. Louis, dunk the Saints in the Big Muddy repeatedly, and Stephen Jackson runs right over the victory-addled Saints in a good old-fashioned beat-down upset. The throwback unis didn’t hurt either. Upset of the year so far. The Lambs lead for 39 minutes, which is 6 times as long as they’ve been ahead ALL SEASON. Nearly everybody took off for the Cardinals parade right after the game, but left a few deputized hard-core tailgaters to guard the scoreboard and make sure it was still 31-21 until well after midnight.

Job well done! The Lambs, er, Rams, now have 87 total points, ballooning their points average up to a gaudy 12.4, seriously jeopardizing their chances to break the record set by the amazing Atlanta Falcons of 1974 (7.9). They also leave the ranks of perfect records, leaving just the Dolts (0-8), Floppers (0-7) and some team called the Packers. They aren’t even in last place in the NFC Worst, for crying out loud. What kind of a league is this?

Baltimore Ravens 30, Arizona Cardinals 27

I’ll tell you what kind of league it is. It’s where you blow a 21 point lead, and you’re coach says “our guys believe in what we’re doing. If you look at the first half, it shows that if we do it the right way, we can be a good football team.” Uh-huh. A quarter here, a half there, pretty soon, you’ve compiled a WHOLE good football game. Crudinals come crashing to the front of the NFC Doormat lead. Guess who’s on the schedule for next week? The Lambs!!! It’s for all the marbles next week in the desert!! Be There.

Or be somewhere far away.

Perhaps by 'available', she means ready to take a few snaps.

Pulling a “Tebow”

Detroit Lions 450, Denver Buncos 10

Well, we were right. It’s Two Mile High stadium now, after the Buncos get blown Rocky Mountain High (man, that’s good sh-) by the kinda pissed off Detroit Lions. Tim Tebow gets mocked on the turf for prayers to the almighty for everything from soup to fumbles. Wanna take a knee? The Lions were only too glad to help- 7 sacks, 5 fumbles, a ‘pick-6’ and just a good old fashioned trouncing. Buncos back to losing big, like we know they can. Up next: the Headless Raiders. He’s heading into the belly of the beast! Get thee to a nunnery!!

WORST TEAM OF WEEK 8

Buffalo Bills 23 Washington Redskins 0

Hold on, you mean we have to CHOOSE? I’m going with the Washington Deadskins, who gave coach Mike Shanahan his first-ever shutout losing 23-0 to the Buffalo Bills, checking in with 10 first downs, NINE sacks, and 178 total net yards. In a close second were the Gaguars, who have 174 total yards, eight punts and nearly bored the Houston Texans to death. It kept them in the game. Deadskins back on the right side of losing, at 3-4.

The Rest of the Gods of Gawdawful

Minnesota Vikings 24, Carolina Panthers 21

They tried. They really did. The Yikings, Kings of the Come From Ahead Loss, had it all set up as time wound down yesterday, giving the Pansies multiple opportunities to pull out the win, but were thwarted from even sending it into overtime in order to lose there, as the Pansies have kicker Orlando Mare shank one from 3 feet away as time expired. And they did it at home! Ka-Blooey!! Honestly, this game was pretty darn fun to watch, both rookie quarterbacks look good, but that ending- the Pansies still are pulling out the deflating losses, no matter what. My Yikings fall to 2-6, and lose a chance to take the lead in the NFC. Grr.

Tennesee Titans 27, Indianapolis Colts 10

Dolts just keep on rolling, rolling…they just keep rolling alooooooooooong.

What’s going to keep this team from losing them all? Peyton Manning returning, which seems to be never, or the Gaguars who show up twice real soon, or the Pansies- who should trounce the Dolts, but…see above. Dolts have serious shot to go 0-16.

Philadelphia Eagles 34 Dallas Cowboys 7

Tony Romo shows Michael Vick who’s boss, and the Cowpies play their worst game of the year- and that’s not chopped liver. Time of possession 17:51- anything under 18 minutes is like never having the ball all day. That’s like taking Sunday off. Maybe run some errands, get a little yardwork done.

Cincinnati Bengals 34, Seattle Seahawks 12

You want chopped liver? The Seahags are your team. Is there really such a thing as a Seahawk, or is that really just a grouchy seagull? I remember throwing chum off the back end of the ferry in the Puget Sound, and the seagulls circling and timing the catch amazingly perfect each time. It’s so pleasing to have a Seahawk catch something you’ve thrown………..not that it happened in Seattle yesterday. Actually, the Hags rang up 350 yards of passing, but shot themselves in the foot so many times in every other phase of the game that they had to play the last quarter driving those ‘retiree’ carts. It was the Jim Zorn Syndrome all over again. Seahags ‘improve’ to 2-5 and the 49ers clinch the NFC Worst.

NY Giants 20 Miami Dolphins 17

The Floppers should have won this game. But, if you’re a Flopper Fan, you can’t say that, because you’d be saying it every week, and people tend to start giving you extra space if you keep saying the same thing all the time. Floppers getting really good at blowing the game late. Still perfect after seven games, the Fish will be hard pressed to go 0-16, though, as bad as they may be. The Cheaps, the Deadskins, the Cowpies , the Pheebles, the Raiders and the Jets can all play a mean game of terrible on any given Sunday, so there’s going to be some more nailbiters like this one. Hang in there, Flopper fans, just be glad the Dolts don’t come to town.

San Francisco 49ers 20, Cleveland Browns 10

Brownies bring it under .500, at 3-4, and just can’t leave the Basement. It’s the orange couch, isn’t it? Make yourself comfortable guys. You have a defense, but still, after all these years, no offense.

THE BEST WORST STATS OF NFL WEEK 8!!!!

Points 0 Deadskins

Yards 174 Gaguars

Rush 26 Deadskins

Pass 90 Gaguars

3^rd dwn conv 2-14 Donkey-Buncos

Sacked 9 Deadskins

Turnovers 3 Donkey-Buncos (plus 1 int for TD!)

Punts: 8 Gaguars, Titans

Penalties: 12-92 Crudinals

Poss: 17:51 Cowpies

THE DOORMAT SHUFFLE: Fallout from NFL WEEK SIX

Doormat QB Shuffle!!

Sure enough, Week Six has started the general landslide, where the pride of the basement decide that changing quarterbacks will solve their problem…uh-huh.

Always start by cutting off the head, that way when you’re running around the field like a chicken with it’s head cut off, it’s natural. And, it’s easier to change the QB than the entire front line- besides, there isn’t enough room on the bench for those guys.

DEADSKINS!! Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan throws Rex Grossman into the doghouse (though it was nearly intercepted) and elevates eternal journeyman John Beck to the starting position. Never heard of John Beck? That’s perfect. He hadn’t played a down since 2005 for Miami until last Sunday, when Grossman finally just went super Doormat All-Star. Now Rex has little chance of leading the league in INTs, and we’re sorry about that. He was on fire.

Based on 5 games he started in 2005 for the Dullfins, Beck’s INT-TD Ratio is 3-1, so he should pick right up where Rex left off. It’s nice to have choices.

YIKINGS! Minnesota Vikings QB Donovan McNabb is replaced by Tomahawk Choppin’ (FSU) QB Christian Ponder. McNabb was nearly at the bottom of the stats in just about every category, so might as well let a rookie get in there and find out just how fast those linebackers and defensive ends are. Yikings look like they are really jumping into the abyss. How much worse could it get? We’ll find out. If the Minnesota fans start doing the chop, I will disown them. I will burn my purple pants.

DONKEYS!! Speaking of Florida, Tim Tebow gets the start over Kyle Orton for Denver this Sunday in Miami. The Dolphins have sold 10,000 tickets since finding out TT will be starting. Donkeys have home field advantage and will win. Floppers will not be making QB change because they have run out of QBs. There will be no QB. Same with Denver.

LAMBS! Sam Bradford is hurt. Probably in about 14 places. The man who hits the turf more often than anybody in the league, and with more force, takes a breather and Ultra-Journeyman AJ Feeley will…run for his life all day in Dallas. Condolence cards or wreaths should be sent to : 1 Rams Way, St. Louis MO 63044

BUNGLES!!!!! Non-QB Carson Palmer finally gets off his butt (and off our sofa) and gets traded to the Oakland Raiders. I can never figure out if Palmer is really great, or just the guy who commits the worst mistakes at the worst time. The Cincinatti Bengals are just about the most baffling team in the NFL, and Palmer figured that out and wanted off the roller coaster. I can’t think of another team that goes, since 2000, 4-12, 6-10, 2-14, 8-8, 8-8, 11-5, 8-8, 7-9, 4-11, 10-6, 4-12. That’s not football. That’s a yo-yo. The rustiest man in sports goes under center this Sunday in Oakland against the cheaps. Be there.

SEAHAGS!!!

Oh, who cares who is QB for these guys? Have another coffee.