NFL Doormats Week 3 Predictions

It's NFL Week 3 and oddsmakers are taking bets, but here in the Doormat room the only thing we are taking is orders for pizza because it's going to be a long weekend in the cellar. Pull up your favorite moldy recliner with the cigar burns in it and get out your scorecard. The Oracle From the Basement belches and makes these predictions.

Gentlemen, please post your predictions as well! And welcome Colts to the Doormat DIvision!

Pats- 48
Nils-3
(It's time for a wake up call in Buffalo)

0-4-9ers- 10
Bungles- 7

Floppers- 17
Brownies- 13
 (It might be time for the Brownies to get back in the basement. After all, they are on the Doormat Division website banner!)

Buncos- 24
Titanics- 28

Kittens- 36
Yikings- 7

Gaguars- 9
Pansies- 28
(Cam gets his first win and only one for a while)

Jets- 48
Raydurz- 10
(Sorry, Raydurz, Jets are in the hunt)

Ravens- 28
Lambs- 10
(Ravens are stoked to get some respect back)

Cheeps- 10
Bolts- 30

Crudinals- 8
Seahags- 2
(Looks like a Mariners game, stiff of the week)

And now for the drum roll for the Dolts, please..............

Steelers- 56
Dolts- 0
(Don't worry, Dolts, you will get to enjoy the stale chips after a while)

And speaking of stale chips, I will never forget my first trip to southern Illinois. It was August and we were on a motorcycle. As we headed south from Chicago it got, as they say in those parts, warm and sticky. More like freaking hot and steamy.

Anyway, we hit thunderstorms around Effingham. I thought, "Dang, we are going to get cold now." But when the rains stopped, I was shocked to still feel warm as we buzzed down the Interstate. Nothing like 99 degrees and 80 percent humidity! The sun set before we reached Mt. Vernon. My face was peppered with large, humming, insects, leaving smear marks on my goggles. You could hear the cicadis as we drove. Despite the wind noise, the helmet, and the roaring v-twin, I could still here the "eeeeeeeee-eh-eeeeeeeeeeeee-eh" of the cicadis.

We finally reached Carbondale, wet, overheated, and covered with bug slop. I was offered a cold beer and a bowl of chips in the back yard. I listened to the 90 decibel throbbing of crickets and frogs in the night and watched giant moths flap around a Tiki torch. We had only been at the table for five minutes and I noticed my ice-cold beer was already tepid and the chips, well, they no longer crunched when you ate them. They were more like those frozen Ore-Ida french fries mom used to serve. You know, the ones that come out of the oven sweaty and squishy. No amount of ketchup can save those things. 

And that's kind of how it feels here tonight in the basement.

Lambs Lie Down for Giants

Lambs showed the Giants how to get it done tonight. They look like good doormat material this year. By the way, it's smelling pretty moldy down here. It doesn't help any with all these old Blitz bottles stacked up behind the avacado green couch. Hey, where did you find Blitz? What's this? An old kid's Lions helmet. Looks like someone wrote Roger Brown on the inside. Kinda quiet down here tonight. Where fid everybody go?

Doormat Division Week II Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK II WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Kansas City Cheaps 3, Detroit Lions 48

Wow is right. How about them Cheaps? 3 fumbles! 3 interceptions! 1 field goal. 12 first downs. 2-11 on third down. No touchdowns! The Cheaps are back in a BIG way, ladies and gentlemen. In their last 4 games, dating back to last year, the Cheaps have been outscored 150-27. The Cheaps are terrible! The Cheaps are terrible! Weren’t they supposed to have a good defense? I think teams figured something out. Go ahead and throw bombs and go crazy because the Cheaps will not be scoring, whether your defense is on the field or not. Just put a ‘police line’ tape across the goal line, and they’ll leave it alone.

The Lions are officially ADIOS BRO CHA CHO’D out of the Doormat Division with this win. 411 total yards and an all-day party at the Kat Box. Of course, with 14 games still on the schedule, they’ve got 6 more victories to go before they can officially climb out of the muck. But if these guys stay healthy, they look good for 10 victories, not 10 losses. Think of all the hangovers at the Ford-Chevy-Chyrsler plants today. Don’t buy a car built in Detroit on September 19^th, 2011, okay? Just sayin’. But look in glove compartment….might be a little something extra in there.

BLOWOUT #2

Seahags 0, Steelers 24

Last year’s poster child for the Best Worst, or maybe that’s Worst Best, the Seahags are off to the bottom of the NFC Worst already at 0-2. It was an 8&8 day. 8 punts and 8 first downs. 5 sacks that probably looked like 80.

When you complete 20 passes but get only 133 yards out of it, that’s gotta be a healthy diet of the Brownie Bomb (rifle shot screen pass over head of WR standing stock still 3 yards behind line of scrimmage). WR either watches it go sailing, or makes incredible acrobatic catch and gets killed by 3 linebackers. I think the Seahags may be the WORST of the WORST in the NFC WORST this year. It’s gonna be fun watching Pete Carrol’s expressions slowly morphing into stoic resignation/disgust. How many weeks?

Relief may be on the way: The CRUD are coming to Seattle next week. It’s tough to lose them all in the NFC Worst.

COME FROM AHEAD

Yikings 20, Buccaneers 24

2 games, 2 come from ahead losses! The Minnesota Yikings show signs of heading for a record setting year, and I might just have to get the horned helmet out of the basement closet…which is actually where I type this on the Commodore 64. It’s on top of the monitor. I see it every day. But let’s dust it off and put it on the Zenith, where we can all appreciate what it stands for. Get an OK lead and then crack open a cold one and let the other guys just TRY AND CATCH UP. Whoops!

Leading 17-0 at halftime, the Yikings break out the champagne in the locker room, and run out of gas coming out of the tunnel before the 3^rd quarter even starts. Just think what this game plan is going to lead to with Detroit coming into town next week. Uh-Oh. Might be a good time for that trip to the Erik the Red Museum and Pillaging Center in Greenland.

Pansies 23, Packers 30

This one is not nearly so embarrassing, because, even with Captain Amercia there at QB for Carolina, it would have been incredible for the Pansies to upset the Pack. But, give credit where credit is due- Pansies were up 13-0, and then saw it slowly crumble away. Get used to it Cam- you’re going to see a lot of those for the next 2-3 years. Carolina hosts Jacksonville next week. They should win. I say SHOULD.

The Official Adios Bro Cha Chos Game

Raydurz 35 Nils 38

I could say the Raydurz have terrible defense, and I would be right. But the Nils are pretty much right there with them, so that produced a really fun game to watch. The Nils climb to 2-0, seriously endangering their Doormat cred. This was old school AFL football, including 2 teams whose uniforms haven’t changed in any significant way since 1961. Jumping ship from either of these teams in your Doormat Fantasy league would not be out of order….but all you need is a couple key injuries on offense for the Raydurz, and you’re in trouble. That defense is hysterically lame. Absolutely zero pressure on Fitzpatrick yesterday. He had a little table and tea things set up with Pooh and Tigger back there. Also, though the Raydurz cut their penalties in half, they were all exceedingly well timed and gave the Nils everything they needed in the second half. So, I give neither team the Official Adios, but the Nils have the upper hand TODAY.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB DOLTS!

Kerry Collins turns around avoids the coverage. Goal post is the other way, Kerry

Dolts 19, Brownies 27

You can’t lose to the Brownies at home and get away with it. We opened a 16oz PBR and drained it onto the ‘green’ carpet here in the basement last night, doing the Doormat Descent Dance in all it’s squishy glory in honor of the Indianapolis Dolts. 0-2 and headed straight to the bottom of the AFC. Peyton Manning….take your time. No hurry.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Deadskins 22, Crudinals 21.

Somebody had to win. Deadskins 2-0 and in first in NFC East. Good God.

Texans 23, Floppers 13

Floppers 0-2 and staying under the radar in the Doormat. Next week, huge test in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake Sale. If they can get by that one (0-3), and that’s a tall order, then they are a force to be reckoned with.

Donkeys 24, Bungles 22

Bungles are not turning the ball over. This had Come From Ahead loss written all over it for the Donks, but the Bungles were having none of that, and once they got within 2 points, it was puntfest. 7 for each team. Game over. Donkey-Bunco-Bonks 1-1. Bungles travel to Candlestink to take on the Niners next week.

TONIGHT: LAMBS vs. GIANTS (predicted Stiff of the Week).

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 0 Seahags

First downs: 8 Seahags

Total Yards: 164 Seahags

Rushing: 31 Seahags

Passing: 91 Gaguars

Sacked: 5 Seahags

Turnovers: 6 Cheaps

Penalties: 8/85 Raydurz

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAA That’s the View from the Basement!

Doormat Division 2011: WEEK II Preview!

The Carolina Pansies unveil their new O-line.

It’s only week two, but we’ve got some pivotal games coming up:

WEEK II PREVIEW

GAME OF THE WEEK

BROWNIES at DOLTS

That’s Cleveland and Indianapolis, to you rubes. If the Dolts have any pretense of being real Doormat material, this is the game to show what their made of. If you can’t lose to Cleveland, you aren’t really going to challenge for the Moldy Carpet. The Brownies- all they gotta do is lose the first two, and the fan base knows exactly what kind of a season it’s going to be. Another Mistake by the Lake. Edge- Brownies (because they’ve been there before and don’t really seem to be leaving).

Please note that if a team has the EDGE, that’s the EDGE to get the LOSS. Remember where you are- firmly in the basement.

STIFFS OF THE WEEK

BUNGLES at DONKEYS

This has one touchdown written all over it. Donkeys have Kyle Orton at QB, and Bungles have the secret weapon- Bruce Gradkowski. EDGE: Donkeys

OR

CRUDINALS at DEADSKINS

Crudinals defensive secondary still 5 orange cones and a cheerleader, so more likely a one-sided puntfest. Few first downs, but some huge plays for the Deadskins.

EDGE: The Crud

OR

LAMBS at GIANTS Monday night

This could be an incredible stiff. Worst Monday night game in a while. EDGE: LAMBS

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEAK

PACKERS at PANSIES

I don’t care if Cam Newton threw for 900 yards against Arizona. I could throw for 300 against them. Pansies come down to earth and get back to the business of losing all over the field. EDGE and a Huge CLIFF: Pansies

CHEAPS at KITTENS

Enter the Kat Box at your own risk. Well, that's kinda true at all times, but...Detroit moves the ball so fast, the chain crew has been on endurance training all week. Ever seen 3 guys running down the street connected by a chain? You have? You need to move. Cheaps go for loss number two, and Kittens continue floating up toward the light. EDGE: CHEAPS

SEAHAGS at STEELERS

Steelers get humiliated in Baltimore in Week I. Seahags won’t get humiliated…they’re to used to this! BIG EDGE: Seahags

TEXANS at FLOPPERS

Geez another potential BLOOWWWWWWW OUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!

Miami can’t cover a slice of bread, let alone the Texans firepower. Ka-BLAM!!

EDGE: Floppers

PUT UP OR SHUT UP

COWPIES at 0-for-9ers

Well, the old rivalry is renewed. No Roger Staubach or Troy Aikman. No Joe Montana or Steve Young. Instead we have Romo and Smith. Romo good for at least two totally bone head throws, usually in the 4^th quarter during losing time, and Smith just tries to keep it under 120 yards. Done and Done! Niners have a defense, so this one could really be the lowest scoring game of the week. Both of these teams trying desperately to climb out of the 10-loss club. One of them will make it. EDGE: Cowpies

RAYDURZ at NILS

This game is truly the ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS game. Raydurz went 8-8 last year, and the Nils just stampeded over the Cheaps last week. Both of these teams could leave the Doormat Division, and the early season is full of hope, if not baloney. If Seabass can kick 5 field goals from 60 yards, they got a chance to get the WIN. Otherwise…..EDGE: RAYDURZ

JUST PLAIN BAD

BUMS at YIKINGS

Wow this should be a terrible game. The Bums are getting better. The Yikes don’t know what that is. EDGE: YIKINGS.

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAnd that's the view from the BASEMENT!!

The Doormat Division: Weak I Wrap and Disposal

The Doormat Division: Weak I Wrap-Up and Disposal

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAND THEY’RE OFF!!!!

And we mean OFF. Welcome to the Doormat Division 2011 Season, and, clearly, there is a changing of the guard happening. Fans all over the country are already deflating their expectations after only one game, and let’s start with the biggest balloon pop.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Nils 41, Cheaps 7

Last year’s biggest mirage, the Kansas City Cheaps, stink out Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium in yesterday’s home opener in style. I can’t think of a worse home opener in the last 10 years. 13 First downs, 213 total yards, 3 turnovers (all turned into points), and defense you could run a buffalo herd through.

Like this one:

The Bills (yes I said Bills) looked really good yesterday. Oh, the view of Lake Erie must be especially good this week. But let’s not get all starry eyed. They were playing the Cheaps! Using a traffic cone for the entire left side of their offensive line, the Cheap’s Matt Cassel gets sacked only 2 times, but runs for his life all day.

The Nils put on a beat-down that reminds us of a few flashes they put on late last year, and if they keep this up, they’re going to lose their membership. Next up for the Nils, the RAYDURZ. Next up for Cheaps: The Kittens at the Kat Box. Sayonara.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

There really isn’t a stiff of the week. Only the Gaguars and Titanics kept it under 20 points, no 1 touchdown games, and not a single punt fest. What’s the world coming to?

GAME OF THE WEAK

Arizona Crudinals 28, Carolina Pansies 21

The Face-off between last year’s Doormat champ and the NFC runner-up was a wild affair, but the outcome was still the same. The Pansie’s new golden boy, Cam Newton, racks up 400 yards in passing….and loses. First loss since Jr. College. Welcome to the team, Newt! Pansies still have no defense. Okay, so what’s the news from this game? The Crudinals are also employing the new ‘traffic cone’ defense in their secondary. The Deadskin’s Rex Grossman better get ready for his best game of the season next week against the Cruds. Or maybe that’s just The Crud. The Crud got only 15 first downs, and WON the game- Pansies still giving up the BIG PLAY. Best in the league at it.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Raydurz 23, Donkeys 20

I’m not sure if either team really deserved to win this, but Seabass kicks a 63 yard field goal (what, can’t somebody at least TRY 64 yards??), and had a celebratory ale in a square-toed boot. Kyle Orton does some fancy Dave Krieg impressions in the second half (sack-and-fumble!), and the Donkeys start off the Moldy Carpet campaign on the right hoof. Raiders commit 15 penalties for 131 yards- and they WON. Must think they're the Steelers. Oh, wait, bad analogy today.

Deadskins 28 NY Giants 17

Uh, oh. Maybe it’s the Giants that are going to the bottom of the NFC East. QB Rex Grossman piles up 305 yards of passing, and the team commits almost no mistakes. Giants bumble all over the field, go 1-10 on third down, and put on a false start clinic, particularly effective when done on 3^rd down.

Kittens 27 Bootineers 20

These guys can score. May not be Doormat guys for much longer. Hold your breath. Or eat a mint, okay?

Bungles 27 Brownies 17

Nobody took the Brownies in our Doormat fantasy league. Might want to keep an eye on these guys. How can we forget and forsake them? Bungles commit ZERO turnovers, and only 3 penalties. I can’t believe I’m writing that. Brownies, on the other hand, turn in the kind of performance we’ve come to expect. Drive killing penalties, and plenty of punting, and losing. Actually, these two teams got off 16 punts, which is pretty close to Stiff of the Week credentials. But the score…just too high.

Houston Texans 34, Indiapolis Dolts 7

Kerry Collins looks like a Confederate Colonel…and just as old. These guys could be 0-5 real easy, if Manning doesn’t come back real soon, and also play free safety.

Seahags come out swinging and lose to the Niners (yesterday’s False Start Frenzy), looking really bad. Yikings pull off first really good Come From Ahead loss of the season (and also are the Doormat Team of the Week), Dolphins (Floppers) play football, but remember their desinty in time to put up an ‘L’ ,

And the LAMBS are STILL the Lambs and don’t you forget it. They lose both Stephen Jackson and Sam Bradford to injuries, though Bradford will be back for more punishment next week.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 7 Cheaps and Dolts

First downs: 10 Yikings

Total Yards: 187 Yikings

Rushing: 43 Titanics

Passing: 28 Yikings

Turnovers: 3 multiple teams

Sacks 5 Lambs, Falcons

Penalties: 15 Raiders 131 YARDS!!!!!

Doormat Division: NFC the FIRST FIVE GAMES

NFC the First Five Games

Half of the NFC is doormat material, it seems. Holy Cow. Where to start? Start with the Champs. (In parenthesis after team name is the 2010 record for first five games)

Carolina Pansies (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Bank of America (Foreclosure Field)

First Five: Crudinals, Packers, Jacksonville, Chicago, New Orleans.

Doormat Champeen Carolina has to play in the NFC South and takes on the entire NFC North, so they’re pretty much toast. Their most winnable game is Week 1 against the Crudinals. Then week 8 vs. Yikings. OUTLOOK: 1-4, season 3-13

Washington Deadskins (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Fed Up Field

First Five: Giants, Crudinals, Cowpies, Lambs, Eagles

Rex Grossman is the starting QB. Mike Shanahan is learning about losing.

Skins won 3 of 4 overtime games last year, scraping out a 6-10 record. They've been flying under the radar for a few seasons now, but this year they are breaking out...in the Doormat.

Outlook: 1-4 season: 4-12

Minnesota Yikings (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Maul of America

First Five: Chargers, Bootineers, Kittens, Cheaps, Crudinals

You know, if I’d looked at the schedule before picking these guys, I might have changed my mind- they have the AFC Worst, the Pansies, the Cruds, and the Cheaps on their schedule. Outside of their division, it’s powder puff football. Yikes have best lineman name: RT- Loadholt.

Outlook: 3-2 ouch. Season: 6-10

University of Phoenix Crudinals (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: University of Phoenix (this name is so stupid we don’t have to change it)

First Five: Pansies, Deadskins, Sehags, Giants, Yikings

Nobody took the Cruds! Maybe I will. Kevin Kolb is being viewed as great, compared to what they had before at QB. Derek Anderson goes from starting on the Cruds to 3^rd string on the Pansies. Things have to get better here. But why?

Outlook: 1-4. Season- 5-11

San Francisco 0-for-Niners (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Candlestink

First Five: Seahags, Cowpies, Bungles, Eagles, Bootineers

Niners have amazingly soft schedule, with the Steelers, Eagles, Ravens and Giants the only teams with winning records from last year. Niners are going with youth. It’s like the JV team out there. It could get really ugly, even with the light schedule. Alex Smith will be on the DL by week 6. They won’t score another offensive touchdown after that.

They’ll only score 2 before that.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 4-12

St. Louis Lambs & BBQ (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Mary had a Little Lamb’s Backyard

First Five: Eagles, Giants, Ravens, Deadskins, Packers

Wow that’s a murderer’s row, except for the Deadskins. The Powder Puff schedule doesn’t kick in until week 9. Lambs in trouble.

Outlook: 1-4 season: 6-10

And last, our long-running losingest bunch of losers, the guys who started it all...

Detroit Kittens (2010: 1-4)

Stadium: The Kat Box

First Five: Bootineers, Cheaps, Yikings, Cowpies, Bears

Is it a mirage? Are the Lions really that good on offense? They better have improved their conditioning, offense and defense, since they pooped out in the 3^rd quarter every game last year.

Outlook: 3-2 season: 7-9

Some of these teams we expect ineptitude from on a regular basis, it’s true. After 5 games, the truly destined will be 0-5. There are those that come on strong after, like the Bungles last year, and the Cruds. It's time to put your fumbles where the turf is. Let's play ball!!!!!

Doormat Division: The First Five Games

Do they really put a "G" at the goal line? We get down there so seldom.

The Doormat Division: The First Five Games

Enough of the silly predictions, let’s talk turkey. In fact, let’s talk TURKEYS.

In preparation for our fantasy draft, let’s take a quick look at the first 5 games for every contender for the Moldy Carpet.

Keep in mind that the losingest team usually comes from a division that has at least 2 good teams in it, and the third can pull it together and have a game where they don’t turn it over 5 times and get penalized for 135 yards. Last year’s champ, the Pansies, came from just such a division. The NFC Worst, by contrast, just shot itself in the foot last year. Best they could come up with was 5-11 for worst record (Crudinals), and 7-9 won the division!! By contrast, the NFC North has Green Bay, a rejuvenated - let’s not get too excited- Lions, and the Bears can win with defense. That leaves the Yikings looking like a Moldy Carpet contender if they keep up what they started last year. Yikes could easily make 4-12. It won’t beat the Pansies, but it will at least put some heat on them.

In paranthesis is the team’s record after 5 games LAST YEAR

AFC

Cincinnati Bungles (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Brown Pall Stadium

The Bungles don’t play a good team until week 10. I’m not kidding.

First five: Brownies, Donkeys, 0-for-Niners, Nils, Gaguars!!

AFC North has two good teams- Ravens and Pittsburgh. Bungles actually beat the Ravens in week 2 last year, then beat the Pansies, then lost 10 straight.

Outlook: 1-4. season: 2-14

Long Range: Bungles have entire NFC Worst on schedule. It won’t help.

Cleveland Brownies (2010: 1-4)

stadium: Brownie Bake Sale Stadium

First 5: Bungles, Colts, Dolpins, Tennessee, Raydurz

Brownies beat Bunlges, Colts- with Manning, Brownies lose. Titans, total schizo team. Floppers- another up and down team. Rayudurz- that’s a W for Browns. LONG RANGE: Brownies get to play entire NFC Worst, too. It will help them.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 6-10

Indianapolis Dolts (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Leaking Oil Stadium

Are we jumping the gun, even talking about the Colts as Doormat potential? Of course, but like we said, without Manning, they’re toast. So, this may be a team someone grabs 5 games into season.

First five: Houston, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay, Kansas City Cheaps.

Outlook: without Manning? 1-4 with him: 4-1 Season: 5-11

Buffalo Nils (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Ralph! Hralph!

First Five: Kansas City, Oakland, New England, Cincinnati, Philadephia.

The preseason was a carbon copy of last year, defense kept them in games, but they lost anyway, and then about every 4^th game, they’d get 4 touchdowns and STILL lose. They led the league in close losses.

Outlook: 2-3 Season 4-12

I gotta say, the AFC West is the AFC Worst. Raydurz, Bunco-Donkeys and the Cheaps could ALL turn out to be terrible, thereby worsening their chances of winning the Moldy Carpet. Somebody has to win those head to head matchups.

Denver Bunco-Donkey-Dunks (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Sky High Authority

First five games: Raydurz, Bungles, Titans, Packers, Chargers

Who would have known after 5 games last year these guys were gonna take the AFC Doormat? Kyle Orton hangs onto his job. What a boon for Denver. Okay, Donks win game 1 on terrible call at goal line, squeak past Bungles in a stiff of the week, lose game 3 to Titans by way too large margin, get completely humiliated by the Packers, and then lose all hope against Chargers and then go on humongous slide.

Outlook: 2-3. Season: 5-11

Oakland Raydurz (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: O.co.O.o.co.oooo.OOOO Stadium

First Five: Denver, Buffalo, NY Jets, New England, Houston.

Raydurz finished 8-8 last year, and weren’t even allowed in the basement anymore. But, Al Davis went swiftly to work and fired the coach, and drafted nobody in particular. If this edition of the Silver and Blacked Out play like the preseason, they’re in the Moldy Carpet Hunt in a big way.

OUTLOOK: 0-5 Season: 2-14

Kansas City Cheaps (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium

First FIVE: Nils, Kittens, Chargers, Yikings, Colts

I’m still standing by my analysis that the Cheaps were last year’s biggest mirage.

The Cheaps played everybody in the NFC Worst last year, plus their own division twice. No wonder they faked their way to a 10-6 record. This year they have no such luck- they have to play the NFC North, with only the Yikings a reasonable victory.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 6-10

I am skipping assessments of the Titanics, Gaguars, and the Floppers, though at least one of these teams is going to lose 10. I don’t think any of them are Moldy Carpet material. Boy, could I be wrong.

I'll Be Back....with the NFC First Five. Gotta go boil some coffee on the grill....

Doormat Division 2011 Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION 2011 PREVIEW!!!!

Welcome to 2011 every single fan of flailing failure and futility!

See that photo? Memorize that number and name, because it has everything to do with who will be hugging (well, holding at arm’s length) the Moldy Carpet come next January.

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is just two more embarrassing preseason games away, and we’ve decided to give it a new name:

The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes

The big question on everyone’s mind: how many games into the season is it reasonably acceptable to start tanking every game? Without being obvious. It’s going to be an extremely hard fought race to the basement this year, because Mr. Luck is every fan’s and GM and coach's wet dream, daydream, late morning fantasy, early evening staring off into space at the dinner table… I’ve watched this guy live a couple times, and he’s Jim Plunkett and Bart Starr and Johnny Unitas and Tom Brady and Big Ben and…okay he’s not Ben Rothlisberger. Who Cares? I haven’t seen a kid throw with that kind of timing and accuracy and daring since…..Dan Fouts for Oregon waaaay back in the 70’s.

He can throw the uncanny 45 yard heave. It’s so Plunkett.

So who is preparing now for next year’s preseason already? Already putting on extra cologne are the San Francisco 0-for-9ers. 49er fans who aren’t catching on are angry that Alex Smith is the starting QB. People, people! He’s cannon fodder for the next 16 games. Should he survive. We WANT him dropping back and throwing low into the line for the WHOLE season. And, the Niners have the tools to take it all the way: No defensive secondary. NONE. Their offensive line is sooooo bad at blocking that next year's anti-concussion rules will be called the Smith Rule. There is NO left tackle. It’s not even on the depth chart. They have an orange cone taking care of business over there in Alex’s in blind spot. That and a 5’7” fullback. Woo-hoo!!

Add to this coach Jim Harbaugh, Luck’s coach for the last 3 years down on the Farm at Stanford. Here, kitty kitty. Combine this with the stupidest ownership team in football (well, the Pansies are maybe ahead here, give credit where credit is due), and the cocktail is looking pretty good for a LOT of losing. You should have seen Harbaugh’s face somewhere in the second quarter of the Texan’s blowout of the Red and Gold last weekend. It was, clearly, the “OH CRAP we’re screwed here” look. You're not screwed, Jim- just good positioning for the future.

Advice to Mr. Luck- don’t go all Peyton Manning and refuse to play for whoever drafts you just so you can reunite with coach Harbaugh. Go all Peyton Manning and refuse to play for whoever has the worst O-line.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Predictions based on hearsay, stats, gut feelings, and tradition:

Detroit Kittens: Put your money on these guys as this year’s longshot to make the Super Bowl. Not win it, but get there. At least making the NFC Championship game. The Kittens, unless made-of-glass QB Stafford goes down in 2 weeks and Sean Hill has to take over, are a wild card playoff team, and will put some heat on the Packers. I can’t say Adios Bro-Cha-Chos yet, but I’ve got the confetti and balloons all ready. The defense has improved enough so they won’t get all pooped out mid-third quarter and blow the games anymore. Look for some of the wildest, highest scoring affairs in the league from these guys this year. Finish: 10-6

Cincinnati Bungles: Carson Palmer held out. Now, that’s just ridiculous. The Bungles should be just as bad as ever. Nothing to see here folks. Does Cincinnati have a hockey team? No? Gonna be a long winter. Finish: 2-14

Carolina Pansies: Cam Newton is QB. Cam Newton is QB. Cam Newton is QB. Just keep saying that, and maybe you can visualize an entire team. It’s your only hope. Your owner is completely nuts. He’s weirder than Al Davis, and he doesn’t have the excuse of being 1000 years old. Finish: 3-13

Kansas City Cheaps: Last year’s biggest playoff phonies, the Cheaps aren’t pretending anymore. It’s back to the basement! So far, they still have NO offense. 23 points in 3 preseason games!! Keep that up and they can set the record for lowest point average all time, de-throning the Atlanta Falcons. These guys need Andrew Luck real bad. Finish: 1-15

St. Louis Lambs: The NFC Worst, the only division EVER to have a champ with a losing record (thank you Seattle goodnight!), is up for grabs. There is no reason we can’t have another losing team take the division. The Lambs are floating to the top, since the other 3 are all-in on the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. Lambs are still Doormats- but they have an actual QB. Finish: 8-8

Buffalo Nils: Fast becoming a Doormat stalwart, the Nils…the Nils played a lot of close games last year. Have they gotten better? Are they in shape? Can they still breathe in the 4^th quarter? We won’t find out until week 5, when the excitement of the new season drains away, and the stench off Lake Erie comes wafting across the city. Likely Andrew Luck contestant. Finish: 5-11 with potential to win 8.

Cleveland Brownies: Year 2 of Mike Holmgren as GM. Year 3 is put up or shut up. The goal for these clowns is to get out of the 10-loss club. Colt McCoy official designated run-for-your-life Brownie. Finish: 6-10

Indianapolis Dolts: Or is that the Charger’s nickname? No matter, they won’t need it. But, without Peyton Manning, these guys will. Last year the ONLY thing they had going for them was the sheer will of Peyton Manning. If he can’t go, it’s CURTAINS for this team and WELCOME TO THE BASEMENT!!!! We’ve got a spot for them right at the wet-bar. When will they join the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, realizing that Peyton is getting old? Finish: 3-13

Arizona Crudinals: Their last two preseason games are Doormat warm-ups, Denver and Carolina. Hey they could finish the preseason 3-2 and give false hopes to every retiree in Arizona. Derek Anderson is gone (he’s on the Pansies!!! WOW!!!!), and so perhaps they now have a QB who doesn’t two-skip it to the tight end. These guys are Andrew Luck Sweepstakes people, because they are still squinting in hopes that Kurt Warner is actually taking snaps. Finish: 2-14

Oakland Raydurz: After the fight-o-rama at Candlestick Park, where 3 people got shot in the parking lot after an afternoon of incredible ugliness, the Raydurz follow it up with a 40-20 loss to New Orleans, which was an IMPROVEMENT over the 49er game. Why? Nobody got shot. These guys are going backwards. Finish: 6-10

Denver Donkeys: Last year’s AFC Doormat Champs, these guys are so bad, Tim Tebow is not starting. I can’t imagine these guys crawling out of the pit. Finish: 5-11

Houston Texass-tons: Texans have an offense that will rip apart every mediocre or bad team in the league, and have a pass rush. These guys are leaving the 10 club. Finish: 9-7.

Two more warm-up games (which look painfully like the regular season for Doormat Fans) before the losing begins in earnest. 2 more games to say ‘we’re working out the kinks.’ And then all those missed assignments and poor line communications will settle in like a fog over the stadium, obscuring the win column, and the upper reaches of the standings. So, stock the fridge, and set your remote on STUN, because you are going to need some strong numbing powers to make to the finish line this year. And may the Worst team Win.

aaaaAAAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!!!

boarding pass

here.

The Doormat Draft

The Results are in, and I've got some of them.

1. Carolina Pansies draft Cam Newton, a man so big he can be his own lineman....which is exactly what he's going to have to do there in Carolina. You're going to find out just how many NFL players you can fit on the head of your helmet, Cam. Have fun. We'll find out just how inaccurate your inaccurate passing IS. That stuff INCREASES in the NFL, ya know.

This goes for Jake Locker, who goes 8th to the Titanics. Someone said, 'he needs to work on his accuracy.' I've got news- you are either accurate or you are not, by the time you finish college. Steve Young said so, and I tend to believe him. He was kinda accurate.

The pick #13, though, Auburn DE Nick Fairly to the Kittens, is pretty interesting, considering they have Suh already tearing it up over there. Lions just guaranteed winning....7 games. That gets them out of the 10 club, so wow. Lions also snagged Titus Young from Boise St., and they already get up and down the field plenty, so that just might turn it into a real circus over there at the Kat Box. QB Stafford will injure his shoulder opening a can of tuna, however. Sean what's-his-name will be back on the field in no time!

The Raiders, though technically not a loser (8-8, which gets your coach fired), do NOTHING in the draft. They didn't even have a first round pick. They took Penn St. Center Wisniewski in the 2nd round, and that's about as not game changing as you can get.

The 49ers, and I'm living right here in SF and a total total skeptic of all their recent draft efforts, may have gotten away with one in the second round- Nevada QB Colin Kaepernick. This guy can throw ACCURATELY, but has a long wind-up (bad), can run, can stand up, and has two ears. He'll NEED the ears- he'll have to listen to Jim Harbaugh a lot....if he ever gets to report to camp. Look for him to be starting by the 5th game. The first 4 games the 49ers will go with Jim Harbaugh.

Apparently, a lot of the draftees didn't understand that the lockout means there's no reporting to your team. So this leads us to the really important Vegas odds question:

WHICH TOP DRAFTEE WILL REPORT TO CAMP 40 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT? There's plenty of time between now and whenever the lockout is going to end to schedule celebratory BBQs, lavish nights out with your new entourage, and general couch potato video game pizza diving until coach texts you regarding coming in for a helmet fitting for your newly fattened head. Have another PBR, dude, with a PBJ.

Please report in on your teams, comrades. How'd ja do??

aaaAAAAND THAT's THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!