NFL Doormats Week 5 Predictions

Surely the Philadelphia Eagles will find a way to stay in the air and out of the cellar, but they sure do look like a doormat these days, especially because they have managed to mostly beat themselves like repentent monks slapping their heads with wooden boards with their sins engraved on them ("Fumbled in the Endzone," "Forgot to block anybody").

And this might be a turning point in history for the Eagles (Beagles? Sparrows? Eeekles?) because this week they get to play a team that is storming its way out of the basement, the Buffalo Nils. Can Vick lay a giant Eagle egg and throw for another 400 yards and lose again and look like a loser doing it? Or will the Eagles finally get off the ground and eat a mouse or two? Only an afternoon on the couch with nachos will tell.

And speaking of the couch, it's time to settle down on the old brown sofa with the beer stains, check the schedule, and make this week's NFL Week 5 predictions. No spinning turkey this week. The Oracle is going to be much more scientific. He's checking the odds in Vegas.

Cheaps- 18
Dolts- 21
Yes, the Dolts will finally win a game. If they don't, it's 0-5 and they really will be looking like a dark horse for the Moldy Carpet.

Crudinals- 2
Yikings- 3
Jeeze, I really can't predict this game. How bad can it get? This might be the best game of the week for the Doormat Division. Seriously, Yikes lose.

Seahags- 14
Giants- 36

Saints- 36
Pansies- 17

Bungles- 28
Gaguars- 31

Bolts- 21
Buncos- 10

And one other game this week, the Jets (Zepplins?) and the Patsies, this should be the top game of the week, in a perfect network NFL world, but these guys are both smelling a little ripe this year. I think these teams are starting to turn. No Doormat Division for these guys, but look for a really bad game here.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Some Doormat Fun Facts

The Bungles defeat of the Nils last week was their first victory over Buffalo in the last 13 tries.

That's the power of the Brown Pall Quagmire in Cincinnati. It's becoming an advantage for the Bungles.

How bad were the Jets on Sunday? Let's compare them to all of last year's 2010 Ultra-Lows and find out:

first downs: Jets 7, CHEAPS 5

yardage: Jets 150, Pansies 119

Rushing: Jets 38, Deadskins 18

Passing: Jets 12, Seahags 12

Turnovers: Jets 4, Nils 7

Punts: Jets 5, Yikings 10 (holy freaking cow that's hard to do!)

Defensive TDs given up: Jets 3, Nils 2 (I think, too hungover to check)

So, not the worst, in fact they didn't even win any of the catergories outright except defensive TDs (and what a whopper that one is) but right there on the Stink-O-Meter in nearly every category. The low punt count is inevitable when you employ the Bungle 'A fumble is as good as a punt' strategy. And, only one team is going to get 10 punts this year. That's stratospheric.

-wacko

World Turned Upside Your Head

DOLTS 17, Buccaneers 24

OK, it's officially a trend. Never before, in the first 4 weeks of an NFL season, have there been this many blown leads, especially ones of 2 touchdowns or more. Last night's collapse by the Indianapolis Dolts doesn't qualify on that level- it was just an old fashioned flimsy lead by a flimsy team headed straight for the Moldy Carpet Trophy. That happens all the time.

And wow, are the Dolts in fine fine Doormat shape.

The Come From Ahead Loss

OK, OK, so I just made up that stat about blown leads. But, in our 4 years of Doormat Division, nothing comes close. I've been following football since 1962, and I don't remember something like this. The difference is, teams are actually scoring points, and then running out of gas. It has to have something to do with the shortened training camps. Players must just be getting tired, and the ones that aren't quite so good crumble faster than the ones that are (and the really good ones stayed in shape all summer anyway). Also, defenses still aren't quite together, so early scores are setting up fabulous comebacks.

I say, let's abolish the preseason altogether! Let's just have totally crazy football from Week I!

Dolts now (0-4) and the pride of the AFC Doormats. Way to go guys, we knew you had it in you...though not at this kind of level. WOW.

Doormat Division WEEK IV Wrap-up and Jettison

WHAT AT WEEKEND!! We’ve still got 4 teams with perfect records (winless), we’ve got someone new joining the party, and we’ve got our old standbys keepin’ it real. But let’s start off with a huge salute to the worst performance this year, and maybe for a while:

TEAM OF THE WEEK!!

Honors this week go to the NEW YORK JETS (Junks? Biplanes? Pipers?), as they turn in the stinker of the season while losing to 34-17 to the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes. It’s not even close. Look at these numbers: 7 first downs, 8 punts, 5 fumbles (3 lost), 1 Int, and 3 turnovers run back for touchdowns by the Ravens. 150 TOTAL yards.

The Jets fumbled on the first play from scrimmage which the Ravens scooped up and ran in. You just can’t play a whole lot worse, without scripting it. 9 penalties, 3.2 yards per pass. The only blemish on this performance is the kickoff return for a TD and an INT for a TD. That’s 5 TDs not scored by an offense. 1 TD on offense by the Ravens. I’ve actually never heard of a game like this. I wonder if there has ever been a game where all the points were scored on defense.

The Jets tried! Mark Sanchez has a Bungle-worthy game of epic proportions. Let’s not forget the Ravens got 7 turnovers out of the Steelers in Week I.

Whew!

COME FROM AHEAD

Cowpies 30, Lions 34

It’s weird to write LIONS, no?

As long as you have Tony Romo on your team, you can pull defeat from the jaws of victory on any given Sunday. Bonehead Tony does it again! With his team ahead 27-3, the prince of the Bonehead Forest throws it so hard into reverse, Jerry Jones got whiplash. TWO consectutive possessions- two INTs returned for TDs. And then, deep into the fourth quarter, Romo throws another INT to set up the final Detroit score.

Cowpies may be 2-2, but boy can they do Doormat when they get motivated.

Cheaps 22, Yikings 17

The crucial battle between winless Doormat powerhouses nearly hit paydirt on the Stiff-o-Meter, but were edged out by the Lambs- Deadskins for boredom. Technically, this game counts as a come-from-ahead, as the Yikes had a 10-9 lead in the 3^rd quarter. But it was a half-hearted effort on that score. But the Yikes came through as predicted, and pretty much slogged their way through the whole game. The Cheaps kick 5,000 field goals and win their first game. Who wants Andrew Luck more? Yikings do.

Crudinals 27, Giants 31

You know, I think we should have a lock-out shortened preseason every year, if we’re going to get defensive breakdowns like this all the time. Ahead 27-17 with 5:16 left in the game, the Crudinals whip out their Doormat membership card and pull off a come from ahead loss that would be amazing if there weren’t so many teams doing it. The Cruds can score, and that’s new. But whenever they switch to their Orange Cone pass defense, coupled with an increasing ability to get the crucial penalty call, they can still nail down the loss better than just about anyone in the NFC. Except for you-know-who. Look to the Arch.

0-fer-Niners 24, Beagles 23

Is this a changing of the guard Doormat game? The lowly Niners, showing clear signs of having inspired, level-headed coaching, and my isn’t that a shock around here, score 21 unanswered points in Philadelphia, rallying from oblivion, and send the Beagles to 1-3, while the O-fers rocket to 3-1 in the NFC Worst, which pretty much wraps up the divisional title. I can’t say ADIOS yet to the Niners, because…I just can’t. But can we give a warm beer welcome to the Beagles? They travel to Buffalo next week. Let’s wait one more game.

JUST PLAIN UN-UNBEATABLE

Lambs 10, Redskins 17

Remember when the Lambs were an up-and-coming team? Didn’t they go 8-8 last year and just miss the playoffs? No, they didn’t. They went 7-9 and got edged out by the team that thinks they are going to get Andrew Luck. Well, guess what, you Seahag pretenders to the Moldy Carpet? The pride of the Doormat Division the St. Louis Lambs, are on a ROLL. Stiff-of-the-Week honors goes to this game. A Punt-Fest of dueling losers! 20 first downs TOTAL. 15 punts, 19 penalties, six fumbles…whew, when did they find the time to get some Gatorade? Every time you think you can sit down for a moment and send some tweets, you gotta get back out on the field. Geez.

The Lambs open the game by punting on 7 of their first 8 drives, with a fumble tossed in, and that’s 3 quarters of football right there. Lambs QB Sam Bradford runs for his life all day, and fails- 7 sacks, a season high. Lambs scrape out 172 yards of total offense…totaled offense. Lambs 0-4 and heading into a bye week.

Floppers 16, Chargers 26

Miami is now 0-4 and really just plays bad enough to lose every game. They get a week off now, and this gives them a chance to systematize the method. They have tough losses to eek out against the Jets and Donkeys coming up.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bungles 23, Nils 20

That’s right, they’re the Nils this week. We didn’t predict the loss, but we sure knew going into Brown Pall Quagmire Stadium was going to be extremely difficult. A half-full-stadium, the quiet soporific effect of the trash blowing in the wind….it just makes you kinda sleepy you know? The Bungles pull to 2-2 on a last second field goal, and the Nils are reminded that the Bad Old Days aren’t over yet.

Pansies 29, Bears 34

I gave the Pansies the chance to have their first miracle finish game, as Capt. America is going to have a few. But not so fast. The Pansies are still the Pansies, and the only teams they are going to beat are Doormats, or the NY Jets. No matter how many points they score, the other team will be given more. It’s like a social program. Also, for all his heroics, Newton not doing well on 3^rd down- 2 for 12 on conversions.

Donkeys 23, Packers 49

And we’re right again on Blow Out of the Week. Not that it was hard to predict. I hope you Denver fans got your garages cleaned out and stuff. You team sure got cleaned out.

Seahags 28, Falcons 30

Seahags almost play a good game, but still nail down the loss.

Gags 10, Saints 23

Boredom in Jacksonville. Keep praying to those Fire Del Rio shrines, Gaguarians. Someday, your prayers will be answered.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 10 Lambs, Gags

First downs: 7 Jets

Yardage: 150 Jets

Rush 38 Jets

Pass 12 Jets

3^rd down con. 2-12 Pansies

Turnovers 4 Jets

Sacked 7 Lambs

Punts 8 Lambs

Penalties 11-118 Crudinals

The Real Reason Terry Francona was Fired

The season may be over, but the Red Sox are still having trouble with the curve ball.

It has been discovered that Terry Francona was not fired as manager of the Boston Red Sox because of his team's epic swoon, but because it turns out he is actually Donald Pleasance.

"We shoulda seen it," an unnamed source for the team said, "it's obvious now."

As any sci-fi buff knows, the mere presence of Donald Pleasance is a 100% guarantee that sabotage is right around the corner. Mr. Pleasance has taken down more teams than Jose Canseco.

"I saw the resemblance, said DH David Ortiz, but after we got past the first 1/3 of the movie, I mean, season, I figured I was just imagining things."

Pleasance is being interviewed by multiple teams for next season, his expiration in 1995 not withstanding.

The Doormat Division 2011 Week IV Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK IV PREVIEW

It’s been hot the last few days. It’s really best if it doesn’t get too warm down here in the basement. The carpet warms up and…maybe I’ll type this outside. There’s gotta be a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long extension cord around here somewhere. That sounds a lot like work. Maybe I’ll just light some early ‘60s incense- tobacco. That’ll cover up anything.

It’s Week IV, Doormat denizens, and if you can’t get on the losing bandwagon this week, you may be destined to another 7-9 year of parity and boredom. You either want to win big or lose big in this league. Kinda like our country these days. How come the NFL is interested in parity, anyway? What is this, SWEDEN???

Speaking of Scandahoovanians:

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

Yikings (0-3) at Cheaps (0-3)

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the Cheaps won something, and the Yikes…well, never mind. There are no good old days for the Yikings. Believe me, I KNOW. The Yikes bring their incredible 3 game Come From Ahead streak into Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, and it’s going to be tough loss to nail down. Why? The Cheaps, over their last 5 games, are averaging 8.8 points a game. They are LAST in the league in offense and defense. Until last week, the Cheaps hadn’t even scored in the second half.

So, pulling off a come from ahead is a TALL order for the Yikes, and most likely the streak will be broken. But not all is lost! The Cheaps did rally for 17 points last week, and didn’t nail down the loss until Matt Cassel hurled an INT late in the game. So, it could happen. And my brothers could ask me if I’ve written any songs lately, too.

The Yikes have won exactly ONCE in KC, in 1974. The Doormat wisdom: If you can’t hold a lead, don’t get one. The Yikes will be focused on maintaining the same level of play for the whole game, so to avoid pooping out in the 2^nd half yet again, they’ll pace themselves, and play like crap from the kickoff. In fact, they’ll play like crap on the bus coming down I-35. This should be decided by a field goal…in the second quarter. EDGE: YIKINGS

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Pansies (1-2) at Bears (1-2)

If the Bears can lose to Carolina, we’ll have to start recognizing them. We want to, but last year they made the playoffs (and looked like Doormat material in the final game). But this is the game. No more pussyfooting around. Pansy pass defense should make Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler look like Cam Newton, but it may not be enough. Pansies are really in danger of winning any game against another commie-pinko Parity Team. Cam Newton has not yet had a miracle finish game. Chances are… EDGE: BEARS

Falcons (1-2) at Seahags (1-2)

The Falcons can’t really have the same record as the Hags, right? Is that right?

That’ll change come Sunday. Lights out at Pork Link Field. EDGE: HAGS

COUNTDOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT

Saints (2-1) at Gaguars (1-2)

Every year it looks like the Gags are finally going to fire Jack del Rio, and then the team wins a flurry of games at the end of the season, and his sorry ass stays in Jacksonville. Who else fires their starting quarterback just before the season 2 years in a row? Nobody. You Gaguar fans with shrines and voo-doo dolls and fervent prayers asking for release from this land of morale stomping, and really truly unimaginative offense, your luck is turning. The Saints are bringing you some serious ju-ju, monkey hands, and gris-gris, just for you. But you still are in the serious hunt for the Moldy Carpet. EDGE: GAGUARS

Floppers (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Name the Miami coach. I dare you. Pretty soon you won’t have to. EDGE: FLOPPERS

THE REST OF THE PILE UP OF FUMBLING INEPTITUDE

Donkeys (1-2) at Packers (3-0)

Blowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwout of the Week. Denver fans, just pray that Tony Sparano (that’s his name!) keeps his job in Miami until at least Week VII. That’s your next shot at a victory. Clean your garage on Sunday, OK? EDGE: Donkeys

Deadskins (2-1) at Lambs (0-3)

The Lambs really are showing how it’s done. 8 years without a winning record is not something to be sniffed at. In fact, I’d stand back a couple yards. Averaging 1 touchdown and nearly 3 fumbles a game, the Lambs are scraping the bottom of the league in every catergory, except punts per game, a lowly 6.5. But the good old Bungle Axiom- A fumble is As Good as A Punt- applies here. Also, getting sacked 4 times a game ain’t chopped liver. Shockingly, the Deadskins are going to 3-1. EDGE: Lambs

Bills (3-0) at Bungles (1-2)

Uh-oh. The quagmire at Brown Pall Stadium looms at the Bills. “Don’t leave us,” the Bungles cry. The Bills better wear earplugs, because the siren song of the Moldy Carpet is very loud in Cincinnati. I’m not kidding on this, this game is the biggest test of the year for these guys. The Bungles’ defense is ranked 5^th, but they’ve played mediocrity incarnate so far this year, so the jury is…being selected for the various Bungles who are out on bond. EDGE: Bungles

Giants (2-1) at Crudinals (1-2)

The Giant come into We’re Not the University of Phoenix Cardinals stadium and pummel the Crud. The Crud have improved their situation. They have more TDs than INTs, less sacks, and have crept up to 27^th in the league in offense. The don’t give up a lot of points (but a TON of yardage), but look at their competition: Pansies, Deadskins, Seahags. They won’t beat anybody except a Doormat or maybe a commie-pinko Parity team. The Giants are not enough parity at this time. EDGE: CRUD

And finally on Monday night, another game of national embarrassment:

Dolts (0-3) at Bootineers (2-1)

Winning record aside, Boots QB Josh Freeman is still averaging more interceptions than TDs, so he’s not gone all winner on us yet. Kerry Collins has thrown only 1 interception. And that’s it for the superlatives! EDGE: DOLTS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!

NFL Week 4 Doormat Division Predictions

Yikings introduce new "on the knee"  formation

It's week 4 in the NFL and the basement denizens of the Doormat Division are still recovering from last week's epic displays of ineptitude and futility, not to mention the all-out head-first dives into the beer vat celebrating the exit of two teams from the basement: Buffalo and Detroit.

But now it's time for the Oracle from the Basement to speak again. We spin the frozen turkey and the headless neck points to these fateful scores. Gentlemen, make your predictions:

Pansie- 14
Care Bears- 10
(Yes, another mirage from last year, Chicago, will edge closer to the shadowy doorway to the basement. The surging Pansies just might push them down the steps)

Bills- 18
Bungles- 10

Titanics- 17
Brownies-13

Kittens- 36
Cowpies- 10

Yikings- 3
Cheeps- 0
(Stiff of the week)

Deadskins- 28
Lambs- 6

Ain'ts- 50
Gaguars-- 10

Giants- 18
Crudinals- 3

Patsiettes-21
Raydurz- 28

Buncos- 10
Packers- 36

Floppers- 10
Bolts- 18

Seahags-6
Falcons- 17

And that's how the turkey spins.....

The Doormat Division: Weak III Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK III WRAP UP AND DROP KICK INTO THE NEXT STATE

Good morning, bleary eyed Doormat denizens. Things are coming into focus any second now, and though we have FIVE 0-3 teams driving their future and fans directly into a fetid ditch of football futility, today’s column is all about the guys leaving the club.

ADIOS Nils!!!!

Buffalo BILLS 34, Patsies 31

In a game they won’t soon forget in upstate New York, across Lake Erie, and throughout the Buffalo Universe (I’m sure that includes a stocking cap and a huge down parka), the Nils come from behind AGAIN, this time against eternal nemesis the New England Patriots. The last time the Nils beat the Pats, it was 1777. I’m sure it felt like it. How many times can you stand to watch Tom Terrific, who looks like he’s 9 feet tall back there, getting enough time to watch Lord of the Rings in the pocket while he handsomely arcs passes to gazelle-like receivers and all your women seem to be wearing their best push-up bras to the game? Huh? Little tired of that?? Not that you mind the fashion statement, but it's for the WRONG TEAM.

It’s different in Buffalo now. The fans, staring down the barrel of a 21-3 Pats lead, did not slump into their $9 beer and start fumbling in their coat pockets for whatever it was they snuck into the game. They kept rocking and screaming and the team didn’t let them down. Intercepting Brady FOUR TIMES in the second half, one for a TD, the Nils stage a furious rally, piling up 448 total yards and kicking the Pats off the field with a boot from Rian Lindell from 28 yards as time expired. The place went so nuts, the cops just lowered the goal posts FIRST, before anybody even got on the field!!

The Nils still have a pretty atrocious defense, folks, but BOY can they score. Just like the Doormat Division predicted, all those games they barely lost year, they should barely win this year. And they’re doing it. 3-0 and ATOP the AFC East, thanks in part to fellow ex-Doormat the Oakland Raiders stomping the New York Jets yesterday.

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Please, don’t come back for a while, okay? It’s kinda crowded down here.

ADIOS, KITTENS!!

Detroit Lions 26 Mini-ha-ha Yikings 23 (OT)

The Yikes did it again! Wow!!! In four years of Doormat coverage, no team has pulled off three legitimate Come From Ahead losses in a row. This time, the Yikes rolled some big blunts in the locker room at halftime, safely ahead 20-0. STUMBLING out of the tunnel in a cloud of smoke….all right, all right, I didn’t see any smoke. But, the Lions hadn’t beat the Yikes on their home turf since 1997..which sounds about right, because the Lions haven’t beaten anybody since 1997. I mean, we’ll be saying stuff like that all year if they keep winning. Whatever it is the Yikes are doing in the locker room at halftime, keep it up guys! You’ve got NFC Doormat Champion written all over you. The Moldy Carpet is pointing towards Minneapolis.

The Kittens rocket to 3-0, first time in 31 years, yup, and the Yikes plummet to 0-3. Two more games before the Yikes completely give up for the whole game, instead of just half. Not that it matters. Up next for the Yikes- the CHEAPS!! Doormat game of the week for Week IV.

GOODBYE KITTENS! Unless, of course, Stafford gets injured and the wheels come off immediately.

ADIOS RAYDURZ!!

Raydurz 34 Crop Duster Bi-Planes 24

That loss to Buffalo doesn’t look so bad now, do it? The Oakland Raiders get up off the mat, and take it to the NY Jets, basically running OVER the Jets with the best running back in the league, Darren McFadden, blowing through holes the Black Swan could navigate through. ARR!!!

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Pass the rum.

Okay, enough of these winners. Let’s get on the right side of losing here. There were at least 4 really stink-o games yesterday, but we’d better lead off with a Doormat powerhouse:

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK!

Lambs 7, Ravens 37

The Lambs were picked by many people to win the NFC Worst this year…including us (with a losing record, of course). The Lambs are not going quietly into the Doormat night people. 3 weeks, 3 losses, and this one looked really bad. Spotting the Ravens to a 30-0 lead, the Rams then scored a touchdown. Okay, good enough! The Rams put on a Punt Punt and Punt event for the 1^st quarter, getting in FIVE of them, which would average out to 20 for a game, and at the same time, moving the Ravens into a masterful lead of 21-0. Nobody throws a game better than the Lambs. I mean it. Shaking things up for the 2^nd quarter, the Lambs go for an interception, some more punts, and an array of penalties that would impress the Raiders. The Lambs are the team to beat- get in line, everyone- in the NFC.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

0-for-9ers 13, Bungles 8

Okay, this was my official Doormat coverage game, and it didn’t disappoint. Our first true Stiff of the year. Even the score is a tip-off. ONE TOUCHDOWN. 14 punts. A really stupid intentional safety by the Niners that gave the Bungles a shot to win the game, which they immediately shot down with a total bone-head cheap shot hit on the ensuing punt-off that took them out of Hail Mary range. It was that kind of game, with each team out-Darwin-ing the other one play after another. Penalties, fumbles, interceptions, and just plain shoddy SHODDY execution. This stuff doesn’t happen by accident, people. They just kept coming. The Bungles didn’t convert a 3^rd down until 12:00 in the 3^rd quarter. 1-10 on the game. The 0-fers didn’t get across midfield until the mid-point of the 3^rd quarter, and that’s because they started at their 42!! 0-fer QB Alex Smith was given exactly .000000000003 seconds to drop back and pass all day, and the miscommunication on the offensive line was Doormat All-Star. There was so much gesticulating, I thought they were going to break into “Hand Jive.” It was that kind of day.

Inept offense will out-bungle inept defense every time, and that’s how the Bungles pulled out the loss. After the 0-fers lone touchdown in the 4^th quarter, A.J. Dalton followed up on the next play with a perfect pass to 0-fer-9 cornerback Carlos Rogers. Game over.

One drive stands out: First and goal for the 0-fer-9ers. Offsides, Niners. Then, personal foul Bungles, automatic first down at the 3. Then, false start, Niners (something like 8 for the game). First down at the 8. Then, 3 crumbles by the O-line, and a field goal. Now that’s what I call RED ZONE conversion, Doormat style!!

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Floppers 16, Brownie-Bake-Sale 17

If you can lose in Cleveland, you are on your way. The Floppers are no longer under the radar in the Doormat. Keep an eye on these guys. They’ve got potential.

Cheaps 17, Chargers 20

Cheaps keep it going with narrow loss, but a loss all the same. 0-3 and maybe we should go shopping for some new wallpaper for the basement. That Pansy wallpaper isn’t going to last, I can tell.

Dolts 20, Steelers 23

Dolts also keep it close, and were, in fact, AHEAD in this game until the 4^th quarter, when the Steelers finally realized the Dolts would just give them the game, if they’d just ask. Losing in the final seconds on a field goal is how you end up at the bottom of the standings, but in FIRST in the Doormat. Dolts still perfect 0-3.

Donkeys 14, Titans 17

Donkey-Buncos may not be SUPER BAD, but they are trying. If you can keep your yardage under 250, you’ve got a fighting chance to lose. The defenses haven’t caught up to the offenses completely, but training camp is finally over in week III. Donkeys may not get 2 touchdowns again for a while.

Pansies 16, Gaguars 10

Walkfish called it. Pansies last best chance to win one before playing teams with playoff aspirations. Gaguars may be really bad. Pansies will be hard pressed to repeat as Doormat champs. Cam Newton just too much football player to succumb to the culture of losing. Insane team owner or not.

HAGS 13, Crudinals 10

If it wasn’t for the Bungles-Niners game, this is Stiff of the Week. Like we said, you just can’t lose them all in the NFC Worst. The Hags, faced with great field position most of the game, just couldn’t pull out the loss. After scoring their 1 touchdown in the 3^rd quarter, the Hags punt on their last 5 possessions, all to no avail. The Crud finish their scoring early in the second quarter, and barely even bother to get a first down the rest of the game. It’s the kind of game where, if you are at the stadium, you really don’t remember the entire second half, because, well, you were watching the seagulls, and other things that move.

THIS WEEK’S SUPER LOWS

Points: 7 Lambs

First downs: 12 Bears

Yards: 231 Donkeys

Rush: 13 Bears

Pass: 171 Cheaps (edging out the Donks by a yard)

3^rd down conv 1-10 Bungles

Sacks 5 multiple teams.

Punts 8 Pansies

Penalties 12 0-fer-9ers

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK III PREVIEW!

The Doormat Division: Week III Preview!

Time to start separating the men from the bumbling knuckleheads!

Games of the Week

*remember now, The Edge goes to the team most likely to LOSE.

Arizona Crudinals at Seattle Seahags

Now, there has to be better things to do in Seattle than witness this. Have somebody throw at fish at you in Pike Market, for example. But to us, this is the marquee game of the week! Can the Hags go 0-3, and officially throw their hat into the Andrew Luck/Moldy Carpet Sweepstakes? Why else would you start Tavaris Jackson? The Yikings were thrilled to see the door whack him on the butt on his way out , and see what it did for them. The Hags tend to play well at home, though I just am not sure what ‘well’ is for this sinking ship of fools. The Crud bring NFC passing juggernaut Kevin Kolb (I bet the Eagles still wish he was backing up Mr. Vick) into Century Stink Field for a puntfest of epic proportions. Epic. 15 punts. EDGE: Hags

Floppers at Brownies’ Bake Sale

Huge test for the Floppers 0-2 start. If you can lose to the Brownies in Cleveland, you can lose anywhere. EDGE: Floppers

0-for-9ers at Bungles (Stiff of the Week)

The 0-for-9ers continue their glory days memory lane tour with a stop at Brown Pall Stadium. Following their sparkling Come From Ahead loss to the Cowboys last week, the Niners will play exactly the same as they always do. Mediocre. The Bungles, bad as they are, haven’t forgotten getting edged TWICE in the Super Bowl to these insufferable wine and cheese fancy pants from California. The Bungles are off their training regimen, as WR Jerome Simpson and OL Anthony Collins blew the drop in Kentucky for the team shipment of 2.5lbs of pot. There was already 6 pounds in the house and just the aroma was so strong that all parties, including the cops, got… kinda…. distracted…. so no arrests were made. But God knows what the Bungles are having to smoke in the tunnel at haltime, so look for them to be OFF their game. Which might mean playing better. They haven’t commited a turnover yet this season (that can’t last now). The Niners play like Doormat champs on the road.

Edge: 0-for-9ers

Reality Check, Please!

New England Pats at Buffalo Nils (Hralph Stadium)

Nils are racking up the points and having an awfully good time. The giant inflated balloon of hope is falling into a barrel and going over Niagra this Sunday. EDGE: Nils

BLOWOUTS of the WEAK

Detroit Lions at Yikings

The Ex-Kittens come into Maul of America stadium for a right proper mauling of the Yikes, who won’t get another Come from Ahead Loss here, unless they get a cheap shot field goal to start the game (always a good indicator of bad things to come). Believe me, the Lions can’t WAIT for this game to start, and to start kicking NFC North rivals into the basement all season long. EDGE: Yikings

Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Dolts

Can the Steelers toss another shutout? Why not? Kerry Collins goes for negative yardage. Dolts go for negative everything. Humongous Edge: DOLTS

Cheaps at San Diego

You never know with AFC West games, reality doesn’t really apply way out here on the coast, where somedays the weather alone makes you think you might be on a psychedelic of some kind. The Cheaps are on a really really bad trip, and it doesn’t end here. Edge: Cheaps

Ravens at Lambs

Lambs still have a really good chance of winning the NFC West. AND winning the Moldy Carpet. I don’t see why you can’t have both. Without Stephen Jackson, the Lambs are no longer 1-dimensional. EDGE: Lambs

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Donkeys at Titanics

Titans won last week. They are at home. They have a football. That’s good enough for me. Edge: Donks

Jets at Raydurz

Raydurz have a defense full of comedians. Every penalty is exquisitely well placed. Al Davis is still alive. Despite this, I still give the Raydurz a chance to actually win this game. But not enough of a chance. EDGE: Raydurz

Jesus, how many Doormat teams are there? There’s too much parity. Let’s get some serious SERIOUS LOSERS here, okay? No more pretenders by week 4.

Jacksonville at Pansies

Pansies should get about 3 yards rushing against the Jags, and Cam Newton gets to try to thread the needle and be Michael Jordan in pads for another week. Edge: Pansies

DEADSKINS at COWPIES

Tony Romo has a cracked rib and punctured lung. So? Stop faking it, you attention seeking prima donna and get out there! You can’t let the Deadskins get away with leading the NFC East! EDGE: Deadskins

aaaaAAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!

Onion Peels Seahags

This really is choking the hag.
onion