Doormat Division Weak XI Warp-up and Dispepsia
You know that smell of a rug damp with stale weeks-old beer on a cold morning?
Then you turn on the noisy old space heater that makes it a pleasant sort of ‘beer soup’ ambiance? No? Then you haven’t been in the Doormat Division Office (also known as the broom closet in the basement) on a morning like this when we just can’t WAIT to get to the office to do the write-up! Now that the Commodore 64 is warmed up, let’s get right to this weekend of incredible performances, both on the field and in the press conference room.
GAME OF THE YEAR
Nils 490, Bungles 31
Wait a minute, is that score right? No, it isn’t, but it might as well be once the Bungles saw what they were up against in Cincinnati and the task they had for the second half.
And boy did they ever deliver!!! No team has ever been that far ahead (28-7), and then lost by that much (49-31) in the entire history of the NFL. I’m not making that up. It’s a special, special moment in Bunglonia and I hope the fans are really appreciating what they’ve got there, because this sort of performance does not happen every week. Unless you live in Carolina…which sounds ominously similar to living in “Golden State.” But it doesn’t even happen there, because Carolina only scores once a week (special diet).
Up 28-7, and in severe danger of winning a game, the Bungles went into damage mode, sidelining their two best defensive backs just before halftime and quickly giving up a long touchdown pass (and ramping down the offensive juggernaut for just a field goal at the end of the half). 31-14. They then started off the second half as if the game was over and the party had already started, and boom! Nils throw another TD pass. 50 seconds later a Bungle Fumble (fungle?) goes ALL THE WAY, 43 yards, and it’s….31-28. And why punt? That takes too long. Carson Palmer gets into the act and starts finding open Nils receivers downfield- and not so downfield- for quick turnovers and Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick and receiver Steve Johnson shred the Bungles ‘defense’ for 2 more TDs. By the 11:30 mark of the 4th, the Nils were safely ahead 42-31. The Bungles are so far on their heels that the Nils just start handing off to Fred Jackson, who just runs over the guys in Way Too Much Orange.* 49-31. TO gave a stunningly honest statement in the post-game locker room, including alluding to how, just maybe, he’s bad luck. The Nils put all the juju on him they could last year, and it paid off. Nils beat the Bungles for the 12th straight time!!
Walkfish nailed it with this week’s prediction, and like we say in the Basement, a fumble is better than a punt, and the Bungles are now, definitely, worse than the Buffalo Nils, who just might start pummeling every under-.500 team they meet….which is about 27 teams, currently.
*Only one team pulls that off in football, Oregon St. 36, USC 7, and don’t you forget it.
PRESS CONFERENCE OF THE WEAK
BRETT FAVRE 0, RETIREMENT 78
He may not be the oldest man in football, but he’s the most done! I don’t even have to put a fork in him. Delivering the most glum, quittin’-ist, downmouth, long-faced, I’m- going-home-to-stick-my-head-in-the-toilet press conference statement I’ve ever seen, Brett Favre beats out TO, Vince Young (if he’d talked, who knows), Jeff Fisher, and Mike Single-minded for the honors this week, and that was some stiff competition. How many marbles did he have in his mouth? One for every loss! Why am I enjoying this? Because, for one, it was my preseason prediction that: he would lead the NFL in interceptions (17); two, that the Yikings were gonna be sorry they went down to Favre-land, had a few too many, and came back with a guy who is shooting from an antique hip; and three, when things started going bad, the whole team would fall apart.
Done, done and DONE!! Oops, spilled some coffee into the Commodore disk drive, there. I think it’s ok.
Now the Yikings, who really ARE terrible and man was it entertaining to watch Favre trying to get his head around that information- it really looked like his face was bending into another dimension (it’s called the Basement, Brett)….where was I? Oh yeah, The Yikes are faced with trying to develop a QB NEXT year, or with what they’ve got left of this year, a completely pissed off fan base, and a coach that has lost his team, and just got his ass fired this morning. The rats would love to jump off the Longships, but the Yikes are lost in the fog somewhere off Vinland…or Greenland…Iceland? Happy sailing guys!
STIFF OF THE WEAK
There really isn’t a stiff of the weak, so I have conflated two games to make one really good stiff
Crudnells 13, Pansies 13
Who cares who these teams lost to? We’ve got a TIE for most consistent loser of the weak. Or is it? One touchdown and two field goals. Check (both, Cruds’ TD on last play of game). Under 10 first downs? Check (Pansies). Over 18 punts? Check (9-7 Pansies). Unheard of QB starting? Check (St. Pierre, Pansies). Passer ratings below 50? Only the Pansies (Derek Anderson clocks in at an astounding 81). Third down conversion rate below10%? CHECK. Pansies 1-13, Cruds 4-15 (boo!).
The Crudnells (Lardinals) may be sliding precipitously down the chute, but the Pansies are already there. Pansies still got it.
The Rest of the Sorry Pile
Kittens 19, Cowpies 35
Uh, oh, Cowpies have won two straight. Red flag. But when the Kittens come to town, your Doormat cred is in serious jeopardy because: The Kittens have won a total of 7 road games in the last 10 years. The last championship to come to Detroit was in 1957, when the Lions won 5 road games (including playoff win against SF at Kezar, we wuz robbed). For the CURRENT Lions, to achieve 5 road wins we have to flip through the card file all the way back to October 24th, 2004 at the Meadowlands when they inexplicably beat the NY Giants 28-13. There is nothing else to say. Current road losing streak is 26 and counting….
Lambs 17, Falcons 34
Lambs get yet ANOTHER reality check (say coach how many of these are there gonna be?) and are sinking dangerously close to the Basement border…the soggy rug, the rattling space heater, the orange couch…scary, huh? Lambs and Niners (Oafers) are employing similar offensive shemes: be extrememly obvious about when you are going to hand it off to your premier running back. Show absolutely no imagination on offense, regardless of how talented your guys might be. Also, get your ass handed to you by a really good team. Falcons cream of the NFC…which isn’t saying much, holy cow what a league.
0-4-9ers 0, Bucs 21
Coach Singleminded sees his new QB win two games with dynamic play, his offensive co-ordinator shows some flair, and THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT. All week we heard from coach One Track about how Troy Smith has played all right, but “he has to play within the parameters of the team plan.” Or some such nonsense. I’m not kidding. Result? Frank Gore up the gut on first down, even when the entire Buc defense and the water boy are lined up over right tackle. Unless owner Jed York really is intimidated by Coach Crazy Eyes, this season is Lame Duck the rest of the way. That’s just the most boring thing I’ve witnessed this year. I honestly just wandered away from the TV, in a Doormat trance. Best play of the game was Buc RB LeGarret Blount demolishing LB Harrelson early in the game. Game over.
Brownies 20, Gaguars 24
Brownies getting very good at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. These guys are still in the running and will not win 4 straight at the end of the year to save their butts.
NFC WORST UPDATE
Seahags 19, Saints 34
Seahags keep the NFC Worst dream alive for the ALL LOSING RECORD division, bringing themselves back to 5-5. Next loss: Cheaps! 49ers and Cruds go at it, and Lambs can’t get above .500 next week so it’s all up to the HAGS. But don’t count on them. Ever.
THIS WEEK’S GLEAMING SPIRES OF PULCHRITUDE:
Points: 0 0-4-9ers
First downs 9 Pansies
Yards 182 Raydurz (49ers 189, go bay area)
Rush 61 Raydurz , Giants
Pass 118 0-4-9ers
TO 5 NYG
Penalties 14-163 Steelers
