The Doormat Division Weak XII Wrap-Up and Slam Dunk into the Trash
Well, I’m a touch late with today’s report, but if SOMEBODY would put the keg upright before they leave in a blind stupor Sunday night, rendering the carpet a complete squish-bog that I had to sop up with a pizza box all morning, then this report wouldn’t be so damn late. The pizza was still good, though. And, thanks for the cigar nub under the TV. It took the edge off.
And I can't blame you guys, because yesterday was SPECIAL.
OK, everybody ready? DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!
BddddrdrdrdrdrddrdrdrdrDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRCRASH!
Ladies, Gentlemen, football fans, and losers everywhere, it is with great Doormat Pride on this morning of November 29th, 2010 that we bestow upon the NFC Worst…excuse me, I mean NFC West, the rare, unique and completely original distinction of
NFL DIVISION WITH AN ALL-LOSING RECORD
this late in the season at week 12. It’s never happened this late in the season. Ever. Go ahead, look it up, because I don’t have the time. okay OKAY, I’ll look it up.
Hmm- this is hard to look up, week by week…. But here’s what I know:
A few times a division has been won by a team with an 8-8 record:
2008- Chargers beat Denver on the last game of the season to make 8-8 (and tie the fading Broncs at 8-8) and make the playoffs.
1985- The Cleveland Browns win the AFC Central at 8-8, with Bernie Kosar throwing his special delivery Hail Mary INTs, with no team having a winning record.
1982- Strike shortened 9 week season, Cleveland and Detroit make the playoffs at 4-5.
They were NOT division winners. Only teams with losing records to ever make playoffs. But, everybody made the playoffs that year (16 teams).
But no losing record at Week XII. I really think we are in uncharted territory, here, folks. In fact, the NFC WORST has not had a team other than the division winner with a winning record since 2003!!!! 2004 was a banner year in the NFC, with not a SINGLE division posting a winning record other than the division winner. WOW!!! Boy did the world need the Doormat Division back then. We’re sorry we missed it. But, of course, we DIDN’T, because those were OUR teams doing the losing. Kittens! Lambs! O-4ers!
And you know what’s really really REALLY special?? Tonight, special edition, the Monday Night Game of the Week is the GAME OF THE WEAK with NFC Worst cellar rats the 0-4-9ers and the Crudinals bringing it all home to the entire US and armed forces abroad. If they don’t have the info we are all waiting for for the broadcast (is this the latest in the year a division has a losing record??), somebody fire the director. This is a once-in-a-lifetime broadcasters dream, to be there when history happens and to bring the news to the populace. I’ll be watching, on the edge of my duct-taped orange sofa right here in the rumpus room at…damn, ouch, geez Walkfish, don’t you EVER put that Oracle bottle away??? You can’t walk 3 feet in this place without….
Geez. Okay so, what are the ODDS? Somebody call Vegas and get a line on this. Can it be done?
IN OTHER NEWS
Nils 16- Steelers 19 (ot) 3rd OT loss for Nils this year!
You cannot lose a game more profoundly doormat than Steve Johnson lost it yesterday in the end zone for the Nils. You just can’t lose any more painfully. Unless, of course, you’ve already done it 4 times this year.
Nils tie the Kittens for best worst team in the league. It takes special skills to impress people, and still cough up an ‘L.’
Kittens 24, Patriots 45
We all saw it. I burned the pecan pie watching it. The Kittens are just flat-out a 2 ½ quarter team. They got tired and faded. And they do it all the time. These guys just wear out. DB Alphonso Smith for Kittens gets burned 3 times for TDs, and looks really stupid on all of them.
Brownies 24, Pansies 23
Class of the Doormat Division go at it with amazing precision and fierce determination to lose the damn ballgame, but Pansies prevail because they care. Plus Jake DelHomme was having his get-even game. No offensive touchdowns after 9:12 of 2nd quarter. Way to go, Jake!!
Titans 0, Texans 20
3 interceptions, 9 first downs, 7 punts. 24 yards rushing. 10 penalties. Just BARELY over 20 minutes possession time. Can YOU say TI-TAN-ICS?????
Buncos 33, Lambs 36
Up against it with Buncos rolling over like a neutered lab, the Lambs enter the 4th quarter ridiculously far ahead 33-13, and stage a FURIOUS dive for the loss, going 3 and out and taking their defensive backs off the field, giving up multiple touchdowns all over the place, but ultimately FAIL, winning 36-33. How much can one team take of this winning? Isn’t it really even more impressive that the leader in the NFC Worst is OUR LAMBS? Gotta love it.
There were other games, but the smell in here is just overwhelming, as it’s starting to warm up…so
THIS WEEK’S GLEAMING SPIRES OF PULCHRITUDE!!
Points- 0 Titanics (and welcome back, may I say.)
First downs- 8 Crudinals
Yards- 162 Titanics!
Rushing 12 Seahags
Passing 138 Titanics!
TO 5 Colts
Penalties 10-107 Steelers
Possession 18:22 Raydurz (Seattle also under 19)
aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAND That's the view from the BASEMENT!!!!
I wasn't going to watch the game, but your pre-game hype has changed my mind. I want to see/hear what the announcers say. If they knew, they would put Wacko on the air via telephone from the cellar. Anybody who can make losing entertaining should be a celebrity. Next year, let's make it a reality show. Google TV needs content, and this would be better than most! Great wrap up again!!
ReplyDeleteFinding out about all-losing division at week 12 in season a difficult stats task, as most all stats websites only post the final standings, and then you can do all the stats for each team...so someone needs special stats access....FBI credentials at the Elias Sports Bureau?
ReplyDeleteOMG: The Doormat Division goes Prime Time on MNF. How can any team
ReplyDeletenow be worse than the Crudnulls? How are they NOT in our league. It was so bad, Singletary wore shades all game to try and stay cool about it. Westbrook ends up the the Fantasy RB of the week, that nobody had.
And a 7-9 team could end up in the Super Bowl from the NFC.
the Cruds faked us out with a 3-2 start, that's how we got deked.
ReplyDeleteIt really was an epic moment for The Doormats. A primetime showcase that was absolutely unwatchable. Naturally, I watched it while flipping between reruns of World Series Poker and bull riding. The announcers tried not to talk about next week's game too much and searched desperately for positive elements of this fiasco. The 0-fers showed a little something on defense. Imagine how the Cruds would fare against the Bears. Ouch! Are we set up for a winner take all shoot out the last week of the season between the Hags and Lambs? Or will week 16 be a do-or-die between the Lambs and 0-fers with Hags in the wings? It's a butt load of drama in the NFC Worst. The Cellar will be drenched in neon beer signs for the holidays. Ho, ho, ho...who wouldn't go?!
ReplyDeleteLambs odds on fave, 49ers would have to go on major tear. Like win the next 4. not gonna happen. So, gotta hope for the 7-9 getting you in. These teams are PLAYING for 7-9, you understand. Do any of them believe they can win 4 out of 5? 3 out of 5 gets an 8-8 team. None of them are doing better than that.
ReplyDeleteDerek Anderson needs to go back to a team with Orange on their uniforms. He played HS for Scappoose, then was an OSU Beaver and started with the Browns in Cleveland. My suggestion would be the BC Lions, it's closer to his home here in Oregon and they only go 3 downs
ReplyDeletein the CFL.