Cellar Divsion WEAK XIII Warp-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XIII Wrap-up and Disposal

It was almost Upset Weekend Yesterday, as many of our Cellar brethren have realized the end is nigh, and maybe they really do want to win a game before they all get cut and find themselves in the WFL playing for the California Redwoods next year.

The Deadskins blow a game (Blow Job of the Week?) they should have won against the Fat Boys from N’awlins, the Floppers stop blowing games for once and edge the Pats in a thriller (the Pats should NOT ever wear their throwback unis, it just makes Pat Brady’s neck look long- if you know what I mean), and the RAYDURZ turn in the Shocker of the Week, and maybe the season, exploding for 21 points in the 4^th quarter and taking Three Rivers back to the days of the Snake and wild finishes.

More about that in a second but first:

The Lambs are still in first in the NFC, with the Boots hot on their tails, only points behind. Kittens still keeping pace, in case somebody slips up.

The Brownies are almost unstoppable now, but the Cheaps are staying within hailing distance, 2 games back with the head to head just a couple weeks away. They still have a chance.

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK!

Raydurz 27 Steelers 24

Mr. Cellar (Bruce Gradkowski) returns to his hometown, his mom makes dinner for the whole team on Saturday, seriously carbo-loading these guys, and the stuffed manicotti kicks in in the fourth quarter, where the O-line finds the extra cheese to stick to a Steeler jersey, and Mr. Cellar repeatedly slips out of the grasp of drive-killing sacks. Gradkowski throws THREE touchdown passes in a wild 4^th quarter, the first time that has happened in Raider nation since Ken Stabler was at the helm. And you know what? He played just like the Snake. Scramblin’, total command in the huddle, throwing up nuts passes that somehow found the right hands, and just generally playing out of his mind.

Grep Papa, the Raydurz play-by-play man, yelled himself hoarse and did an excellent imitation of the famed soccer announcer Andres Cantor on the final touchdown- Raydur TOUCH-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!!!

He and analyst Tom Flores must have been hugging in the booth, because they sounded like they were going to cry, it had been so long since they’d been at a game that felt that good. Can you imagine being the announcer for ALL THESE YEARS of futility? Papa’s done them all.

Ok enough highs, on to the misery!

LOSER OF THE WEEK

Tampa Bay Bootineers (with a nod to the Nils, who are really trying for the Stale Pabst, but the Boots lost with a lot more style this week)

Boots 6, Pansies 16

Faced with the almost Herculean task of staying with the Lambs in the NFC Cellar, theBoots turn in a game where they amass 469 total yards, but still score only SIX points, falling to the always game-for-a-loss Carolina Pansies. This kind of performance takes determination and grit. You can’t fake this kind of losing. How DID they do it?

Try 5 interceptions. Why punt when you can just throw it to the other guys? QB Josh Freeman did stellar special teams work, making sure he was DEEP in Pansy territory before hitting the ‘coffin corner’on 3 of the picks. Freeman was presented with the Stale Quart of Pabst and, by his own request, Kool Milds floating in the backwash.

This was the kind of game where if you score 1 touchdown, you win. The Pansies got it in the 1^st quarter, and there’s your ballgame.

Way to GO, BOOTS! Keep up the pressure on those Lambs..

And speaking of the Lambs-

STIFF OF THE WEEK!

Cubs 17 Lambs 9

This is one of the worst games of the year! Here take it! No, you take it! No, no, I insist, you go first!! FOURTEEN punts (with a two team TOTAL of 57 return yards- Jesus on a light bulb)! The two teams tie with 14 first downs each. Jay Cutler throws for 131 yards in the first quarter…and ends up with 128!! The Lambs manage only 98 yards passing. These guys are now leading the league in fewest points, 139, and have a serious opportunity to not clear 200. This is an extreme rarity, dating back to Joan Collin’s first face-lift. Lambs are definitely the team to beat in the Cellar, and if you think you stink, you play the Lambs and find out you’re at least chopped liver and you put up a W you don’t deserve. Wonder how many fans never left the tailgate at this one. Thanks GUYS!

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Cheaps 13 Broncos 44

The Cheaps do it two weeks in a row at almost the exact same score (43-14 last week), and show the other guys how to stay in the hunt for the AFC cellar. We all got faked out and thought the Brownies were going to be the starlings of the week, but I guess Brady Quinn has finally learned that ‘pass play’ doesn’t mean the same as ‘pass’ in bridge. Hence the 1 step drops and the bullet over the head of the WR standing 3 yards behind the line of scrimmage has stopped being their featured play. Brownies are in danger of winning a game, guys, and it’s either next week against the Nils, or Weak XV against these Cheaps, who seem to be, somehow, spiraling downward from their lofty perch of just bad enough to lose to swiss cheese defense.

Cheaps remain just 2 games back. I don’t think they will be winning another game.

Funny thing about the Cheaps is, they don’t turn the ball over a lot, they don’t commit a lot of dumb penalties, they just have the wimpiest offense, and a defense that is tired and giving up now. Here they come!

OK time for STATISTICAL TRAILERS OF THE WEEK!

Points: 6 Bootineers

First downs: 10 Nils

Total Yards: 194 Nils (the Cubs and Lambs played each other, so they were forced to go over 200)

Passing: 71 Nils

Rushing: 45 Cowboys (hey!)

Turnovers: 5 Bootineers

Penalties: 9- 70 yards Bungles

Time of Poss.: 21:12 Kittens (really it’s the Giants, by two seconds, but they Won, so what good did it do them?)

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!