Cellar Divsion WEAK XIV Wrap-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XIV Wrap-up and Disposal

Where to start, where to start?

1. If there hadn’t been TWO Cellar head-to-head contests, I think they all would have lost yesterday, that’s how earnest our teams are as we head into the stretch drive for the Moldy Carpet. There is no Shocker of the Week. There was a TON of giving up, laying down, and getting run over going on yesterday, and things are clearly going down to the wire. Piano wire, if you know what I mean.

2. The Biggest Deflating Moment (brand new category)

Mr. Cellar, Raydurz QB Bruce Gradkowski, after leading the Silver and Black to 2-1 record since taking over, tears ACL ligaments in BOTH KNEES, and leaves the game in the second quarter and is likely done for the year. The Raydurz turned to….Jesus-on-a first-down-marker… Ja-miss-it Russell, who simply picked up right where he left off, getting slammed to the turf all day (a little unenthusiastic blocking?), overthrowing wide-open receivers, and commanding no respect in the huddle. Boos reigned down on him all day, and never let up. He is now the new Marc Wilson, who the Raider Nation booed out of town back in the ‘80s. This man is done in Oakland. Who’s the third man?

I did not have the game on the radio (it was of course Silver and Blacked out), but it didn’t matter, because when Gradkowski went down it sucked so much energy out of the Bay Area that my power went off (no kidding), and didn’t come back on until the game was over (not kidding).

And, of course, the Deadskins hammered the Raydurz 34-13. Christ-on-a-pylon.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK

It’s a four way tie, boys. That’s all 4 tires. Somebody call the Cellar Squad and get a man over there with a jack and some rubber. The Boots get blown out by the Jets (I mean, c’mon), the Seahags are humiliated by the Texans….but it’s really between the Golden Girls of the Cellar :

Titans 47 Lambs 7

You want to make sure you’re going to lose, get a quarterback named NULL. I mean, that’s brilliant. How about five interceptions, one for a TD? 10 penalties, including 75 false starts. On the other side- Multiple huge gainers for the Titans, 446 yards on only 19 first downs. I really don’t think the Lambs are gonna make 200 points for the season. Lamb chop, anyone?

Ravens 48 Kittens 3

I’ve always figured ravens would like to kick cats around if they could, and yesterday they got their chance, with boundary markers set up, and nowhere to hide for the Felines. There was so much fur flying, that visibility went down to 10% and they had to set up a medical tent for allergic reactions.

These two teams are GOLD. Kittens hold tie-breaker over Lambs, should the Lambs ever win a game…which they won’t.

LOSER OF THE WEEK

Bootineers 3 Jets 26

Tampa Bay Bootineers! Two weeks in a ROW!!!! Yes!! Another Quart of Stale Pabst and Soggy Kools for Josh (I got it) Freeman. 6 first downs! 5 bungled hand-offs! 4 Interceptions! THREE total points, 2 False Starts! And a Pirate in a Jet engine! On the Fourteenth week of losing, my Bootineers gave to me…

Okay it was only 3 interceptions. These guys are really pressing hard to win the NFC Cellar. But, man, I’m sorry, you’ve got the Lambs to contend with. Good luck with that.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Nils 16 Cheaps 10

The Cheaps are my team, and yesterday I was in their corner, rooting them to defeat. I listened to this entire game (except for moments to regain sanity), and let me just relay a few of the finer points of this gridiron spectacle:

1. Seven turnovers total

2. Cheaps QB Sam Cassell overthrows wide open receiver in end zone on long passes twice. First time, WR loses shoe in quagmire (KC grounds crew, well done, boys) in end zone and misses pass. Second time, pass goes over goal post. Sam, you gotta KICK it to get something for that.

3. Cheaps get turnover, first and goal at the 8. 4 plays later, they are at the 9, having run a QB roll out on 4^th and inches. Excellent play calling!

4. Both teams throw end zone interceptions, one at POINT BLANK range.

5. KC Tight End Chambers drops pass at Nils 5 with 3 minutes to go. Would have scored. Next play INT. Final drive ends in INT Hail Mary, which I’m sure is how they drew it up, with yours truly nail-biting furiously.

The Cheaps are still in the HUNT! Yes!! And guess what’s on the card for next week?

MASSIVE CELLAR MATCH-UP COMING UP

CHEAPS-BROWNIES!!!!!!!!!!! It’s for ALL the Marbles in the AFC (though the Browines get the Raydurz, too, and man Danger-of-Victory index just went way up.

LOW END TOTALS FOR THE WEEK

Points: 3 Bootineers

First downs: 6 Bootineers

Total yards: 124 Bootineers

Passing: 73 Nils

Rushing: 43 Boots

Turnovers: 5 Lambs

Penalties: 13- 109 CareBears

Yards given up: Kittens 548

Time of Poss: 25:54, Boots. Actually, the Jags clock in slightly less, but I post this because I don’t know how you get only 6 first downs, but hold onto the ball for 25 minutes? Confusion?

aaaaaaAAAAAAAND that’s the View from the BASEMENT!!