Cellar Divsion WEAK XVI Wrap-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XVI Wrap-up and Disposal

SHOCKER OF THE WEAK!

Bootineers 20 Saints 17 (OT)

Well, faster than you can take down a Pope with a horse-collar tackle, the Saints are looking like a team that needs a vacation instead of home-field advantage through the NFC playoffs.

Tampa Bay, that’s right, the BOOTINEERS, take it to the Saints, in their house, as the Cellar rises up and a two game winner beats a 13 game winner for the first time ever (yes somebody looked it up, thank God for total geek stat heads).

Who Dat? The Boots rack up 439 yards of offense, which has to be the season high, while still getting two INTs from Josh Freeman and punting 7 times. They did the one thing that everybody needs to do against the Saints: score more points than them. OK, OK, sorry. It’s called play Keep Away. TB had it for 36:15 and the Saints did nothing after the fast starting 1^st quarter.

The Boots, looking like a team that was never going to get off the turf, have now won 2 straight (yes beating the SeaHags still counts) and can kiss their Cellar Moldy Carpet Crown good-bye. That’s OK, because the Lambs are the Kings, and no-one can match those mutton-heads. Conversely (Chuck Taylorly), the Saints have lost two straight, both at HOME. The curse of the Fleur-de-Lis is stirring in the Big Muddy. Put away those Mardis Gras beads and turn down the heat on the gumbo, boys, these boys need to go back to basics and find their reason to be pissed off.

Special Shocker mention from the Cellar goes to the once near-Cellar Jets, who improbably knocked off the Colts yesterday (woo-hoo!!!) and find themselves in the playoff hunt. Put some mustard on that hot dog and somebody call Joe Namath out of the lap dancing room, there’s something going in Queens.

LOSER OF THE WEAK

Raydurz 9 Brownies 23

Oh, I got up early for this one. I knew something special was going to happen. And, speaking of curses, the Curse of Chucky lives! Ever since Jon Gruden jumped ship to Tampa Bay and crushed the Silver and Blacked Out in the 2003 Stuper Bowl 578-2, the Raydurz have been the worst team on the planet. Yesterday, they showed why. This team really is the worst team in the AFC, except they put in Gradkowski for 3 games and messed up their run to the Moldy Carpet. So, I got my piano practice done by 10, made a huge bowl of popcorn, and settled in for the Cellar Match-up of the week…hell, the century.

Here’s one sequence that sums it up COMPLETELY: Brownie ball. After a lot of jawing and pushing and shoving, and the Raydurz and Brownies got a brawl-scrum going around the Brownie 40 yard line in the 2^nd quarter. Both teams receive personal foul calls, penalties off-set. All done, right? Not on your life! DE Richard Seymour, who had the penalty, goes after a ref with a string of choice words and gets ANOTHER 15 yarder.

Ball on the Raydur 45. Two plays later DB Stanford Routt flagrantly head butts a poor wee Brownie, and is ejected from the game. Ball on the Raydeur 27 now. 3 plays later, Derek Anderson finally leads a receiver, instead of throwing 4-15 yards behind him (that guy needs a geometry class), and the Brownies SCORE. Game over.

13 penalties for 126 yards! FIVE personal foul calls! That’s the Raydur mystique in action. Pride and Poise and a Crowbar! Ok, just a couple of other tid-bits: Raydurz coughed it up on the first play of the game, INT, and Brownies score. 9 yard drive. Raydurz throw it 45 times, even though they could have run through the Brownies off tackle and around end all day…2 positive notes- Janikowski hit a 61-yard FG, and Joshua Cribbs got nothing, just like I predicted. Brownies now have 4 victories, 3 IN A ROW, and the Cheaps have the AFC locked up unless something really shocking happens next week.

I guess that’s what having Mike Holmgren just hang around the stadium does for a team.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

There’s a PILE of blowouts this week, gentlemen. Take your pick.

Packers 48 Seahags 10.

Cardinals 31, Lambs 10

Panthers 41 Giants 9

Falcons 31 Nils 3

And we’ve still got the Vikes-CareBears yet to go today. Pansies take it for shock value, Seahags take it for point margin, but Nils take it for pathetic. 11 first downs. 178 total yards, 3 turnovers, 7 punts, 10 penalties, 40 yards rushing……that’s losing, kids. I’m looking for these guys to make a run at the Moldy Carpet next year. They folded up their tents and quit a few weeks back, after beating the Cheaps, which must have been just exhausting. Terrel Owens is getting his come-uppance for show boating on the Cowboy emblem all those years ago. How’s it feel TO?

I’m skipping stiff of the week (though it’s Bengals-Cheaps 17-10, in case you wonder), and finishing with the more important Wrap-UP.

WRAP-UP and DISPOSAL

It’s almost over. The Moldy Carpet is being retrieved and soaked in Bud in anticipation of the final Tilts next week.

NFC

The Lambs, at 1-14, are holding steady as the leader, but the KITTENS are still only a game behind after a true stinker against the 49ers yesterday (I watched that too). Kittens play the Bears and the Lambs have the 49ers next week, at home. AS if that mattered. But don’t just hand it to the Lambs (still on track to not clear 200 points), because Niner-Lambs games have a way of defying the odds (though not for the last, oh, 5-6…10 years). Kittens could actually screw up and win against the Bears, because those guys are awful, whereas the Lambs could pull it out and win by mistake. Remember, the Kittens have won the tie-breaker, with that stiff back in Weak VIII at Ford Field, where the Lambies got their only win of the year. The Boots are officially eliminated with their inexplicable strong finish.

AFC

The Cheaps are on the inside track and moving as slowly as possible. Cleveland has found out that they have a running game, and if they keep the passing under 17 attempts, they just might outlast their opponent. Brownies only 1 game back. Nils eliminated after failing to lose to Cheaps 3 weeks ago. Cheaps are at Denver, who have totally collapsed the last two weeks, and the Brownies take on Jacksonville at home. I really have no idea about Cleveland now. I’m baffled. Jacksonville may just fold it and quit, but they are technically still in the playoff hunt, so they may be desparate.

Denver also clinging to playoff spot. I think Cheaps will still lose, because they are still terrible and have a good late season plunge going on- they, like the Lambs, have seen the trophy back in the rumpus room, and really long for a dark room to sip stale beer in, and avoid being seen for 8 months.

This Week’s Lows

Points: 3 Nils

Total yards: 178 Nils

Rushing yds 40 Nils

Passing yds 118 Brownies (no Brady Quinn? So what? And they WON)

Turnovers: 6 Kittens (3 fumbles, 3 INT)

Penalties: 13 for 126 yds. RAYDURZ (I’d be so disappointed if they didn’t have the season high)

Time of Poss: 25:35 Nils

aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!