The Moldy Carpet- The Final Stench: WEEK 17 Picks

THE 2014 MOLDY CARPET CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY

Let's have a look at the odds for the gripping gridiron goons who will grapple for the glory of being the absolute, head and shoulders below, Titanically terrible football club that deserves, nay, has earned the coveted Moldy Carpet Trophy.  Get your fungal fury on.

NFC

In the NFC, the Tampa Bay Bootineers have it locked up.  at 2-13, nobody can catch them.

AFC

The Odds-on Favorite

TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-13)

Head coach Ken Whisenhunt has taken a mediocre team and expertly steered them into the ditch.  After his turn with the Cardinals, which was marked by good defense and startlingly stodgy offense (once he got Kurt Warner and that Super Bowl scare out of there), the Titanic front office brought him in to help the Titans also become something more than mediocre. The results have been off the charts.  Losing by an average of 8.3 points last year, the Titanics have upped it to 14.2.  This has been aided by an unending string of special teams gaffes so much worse than other teams that it would be funny if you don't own a really hideous Titans sweatshirt that you can't seem to take off no matter how many hints your friend/girlfriend/wife makes.

There was concern among fans at the beginning of December regarding starting rookie third string QB Zach Mettenbererg, because he might guide the team to a few wins and obscure the fact that Whisenhunt's unimaginative, inflexible offensive schemes have turned the Titans into Doormat leaders, save Whizz's job and lose the first pick in the draft all at the same time.

Here's what really happened, and the future for next year:

1. Whizz will not get fired after one season. Brace yourselves, Titanic fans.
2. Mettenberger got his shoulder ripped up and is out for the year, leaving the duties to Charlie Whitehurst, who has been a Doormat all-star for his 9 years in the league.  Jake Locker, once the franchise QB, is occasionally let out of the dog house or the hospital, depending.  At any rate, the results have been stellar in December- all losses.
3.  The Titans have a pretty darned bad defense, too, and picking Marcus Mariota first may not be what ol' Whizzy has in mind.

Finally, the Titanics have regressed as the season has gone on, a sure sign of top-down trouble.  Also, they only play with efficiency when they are behind by more than 14 points.

Q: If coach Whiz gets really pissed, what are we actually saying?

TITANS vs COLTS
As bad as the Colts can play, with the magnanimous Andrew Luck playing with fire every first half of every game, the Titans have their number.  The Titans have this game in the bag.  If they stay the course, they win the AFC.
EDGE to LOSE:  TITANS

Should the Titans WIN their last game, an almost complete impossibility, here are the remaining contenders:

RAIDERS (3-12) at BRONCOS
The Raiders haven't won on the road yet this year, and they may cover the point spread, but they won't win with the real points.  If the Titans win,  and the Raiders maintain their lead over all other comers in point differential (3 ahead of the Jags today), the Raiders will take the AFC Doormat crown.  Raiders also beat out the Jets, as they lost to them in Week 2.  We are rooting for Raiders to win, as they have not regressed, have actually improved, and are not really putting in good Doormat performances anymore.
EDGE to LOSE:  RRRRRAIDERS

JAGS (3-12)  at HOUSTON
If the Titans win, the Raiders win or lose but keep it close, the Jags have to lose this one, and lose by enough to pass the Raiders in point differential.  The Titans and Jags split their season series, so there are NO head-to-head matches to consider.  The Texans are fighting for their playoff lives, so I can't imagine the Jags coming out with something resembling fire, more like a bic lighter, so ...
EDGE to LOSE:  JAGS

JETS (3-12) at MIAMI
The Fins are eliminated from playoff contention, and may be already heading to the golf course, so the Nyets are in serious, serious jeopardy of winning this game.  However,  I find it hard to believe the Jets will finish a season this miserable with a win. They almost won the stupid game last week, and I think that was their last gasp.  Should they pull out the loss, the Raiders win, Jags win (or the Jets gain -40 points in differential), and the Titans win, the Jets can still win the Moldy Carpet.
EDGE TO LOSE:  JETS

THE REST OF THE GAMES IN THE DOORMAT:

THE 10 CLUB:  LOSING at least 10 games on the season grants you official Doormat status and residence in the Basement for the Winter.  Perks include warm beer and a spot on the duct-tape couch, barcalounger (champion), or the bar.

LAMBS (6-9) at SEATTLE 
As the Seahags are still playing for the NFC West title, look for St. Louis to wrap up the coveted 10th loss.
EDGE to LOSE:  ST. LOUIS

GIANTS (6-9) vs PHILADELPHIA
Once thought to be a gimme, the Gnats could easily win this game, as the Eagles are out of playoff contention, Mark Sanchez has been a Doormat all-star for the Eagles, and it is going to be hard for the Giants to make it to 10.
EDGE TO LOSE:  EAGLES

VIKINGS (6-9)  vs CHICAGO
Another worthy team right on the cusp of 10 losses, the Vikes have almost zero chanced of losing this game.  The dysfunction in Chicago has reached the turbulence level called 'chaos'...but also stasis.   It would be cool if the Bears, already at 5-10, win the game and welcome the Yikings into the Basement, but I just don't see it.  Da Bares are going to lay down and die.
EDGE to LOSE:  BEARS

BROWNS (7-8) at BALTIMORE
It's been a long, hard road, but the Browns can at least make it onto the Patio by the grill for the winter with a loss this weekend.  I think they are man enough, and Blank enough, to do it.
EDGE TO LOSE:  BROWNIES

49ers (7-9) vs  ARIZONA
Very exciting prospect of the Santa Clara Wine-and-Cheese Thugs finishing at 7-9.  Very exciting.  Unfortunately, the Cards have less offense than the Niners now, and are the worst playoff team in the league.  Atlanta could beat these guys now.  They don't have a QB.  They tried to prepare their FOURTH string QB for this game, and gave up.
EDGE to LOSE:  CARDINALS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!