NFL WEEK 16 WRAP-UP and PLAYOFF MIRAGE

DOORMAT NFC SORTED- BUCS WIN THE NFC! BILLS OUT OF PLAYOFFS 16 YEARS AND COUNTING! BROWNS ARE BACK! NFC SOUTH BATTLE THIS WEEK! MY DOG HAS FLEAS!

PUNTING RECORD for RAIDERS! EXCLAMATION POINT! 

THE BIGGEST  FOOTBALL-LIKE THING TODAY:

BUCS win the DOORMAT NFC 

BUCCANEERS 3, PACKERS 20  

Obviously inspired by last week's Cleveland (Doormat Gods) Browns, the Tampa Bay Bootineers whip out a game of near poetry against the Packers-  6 first downs, 107 total yards (147 yards passing minus 7 sacks for 54 yards, plus 16 yards rushing).  54 yards in sacks means the QB runs backward in the face of the rush. They had more penalty yards- 30- than rushing yards.  That's a LOT of reverse gearing. They left no doubt- thanks to the Deadskins' non-loss to Philadephia- the Boots WIN the Doormat NFC with a week to spare!  In honor of this occasion, the Bucs will be wearing their throwback orange unis next week.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

x-Tampa Bay    2-13             257      387     -130

Washington     4-11              284      394     -110

Chicago          5-10              310      429     -119

NY Giants        6-9               354      366      -12

New Orleans    6-9               378      404      -26

AFC             

Tennessee        2-13            231       390    -159 

Oakland           3-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     3-12            211       376     -165    

NY Jets            3-12            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-8              276       300     -24

REDSKINKS/SUNBURNS/NATIVES 27, EAGLES 24

Benching your once-franchise quarterback for 3 weeks with a totally mediocre QB, and then putting your QB back in is not a formula for success in the Doormat- especially when Mark Sanchez is under rump for the opposition. RGB-three-p-o returns and torches the Eagles, while Sanchez continues his blaze of 14 turnovers in 7 games, and those aren't wasted turnovers, folks. Those are on-the-money game-killing turnovers. The result is the Deadskins lose out on their chance at being the worst team in the NFC, something they haven't done since...oh, that's right, LAST YEAR.

AFC LOGJAM

Despite the Tennessee Titans move into sole possession of the AFC Division in the Doormat, the Jets, Jags and Raiders still have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, and we're holding our breath until the full force of the bong hit lands in our- I mean UNTIL next week when all will be revealed...like smoke clearing from a hacking exhale.

RAIDERS 26, BUFFALO 24 

It is only fitting that the team with the second-longest playoff drought knocks the team with the longest playoff drought out of playoff contention. 16 years and counting for the the Nils, and the Raiders, of course, make it 13.*  The Silver and Blacked Out have won their last 3 home games, and who wouldn't with that crazed crowd bellerin' at the top of their lungs through 30,000 Halloween costumes and decidedly working class fervor. What a scene. The Raiders should not move. Raider QB Derek Carr looks like the real deal, and, despite still being in contention to win the Moldy Carpet, this team is playing with a lot of fire- when at home- and aren't behaving like a dysfunctional football team. They need to win next week at Denver (maybe they'll rest Peyton) and give a more deserving doormat a shot at the Moldy Carpet. Special note:  Raider punter Marquette King has 100 punts, the Raider record. He'll need 14 more to tie the NFL record, which is imposs-  let's just see what happens next week.

*see our previous post for longest playoff droughts.  None of the teams on the list will make the playoffs this year.

JAGS 21, TITANS 13

The Jags can't stay with the Titans, and they know it.  They'd probably clobber the Bucs, as well.  The London Jaguars can still win it, though, as these teams have split their season series, and the tie-breaker is point differential.  Titans play the Colts next week- Colts tend to clobber bad teams and lose huge to good teams (see yesterday), and the Jags travel to Houston, who only need to win and the entire league to lose next week in order to make the playoffs.

BROWNS 13, CAROLINA 17

The Panthers, led by mostly disassembled Cam Newton, shove the Blank Helmets into the Basement, and we're LOVING it.  Was it only 7 weeks ago the Brownies were 6-3, had just defeated the Bengals and were living large at the top of the AFC North-Central-Mid-muckluck?  It was!  They've gone 1-5 since, slowly dismantling into dysfunction and next week at Baltimore should wrap up this disaster of a season at 7-9. We make room on the orange couch for this grand Patriarch, who can regale the rest of the acolytes in the Basement for the whole winter.  Cozy up to our crummy space heater, Brownie fans- next year Johnny Party-Down will be leading the Blank-ness into the blizzard. Chew on that dog bone, Dawg Pound.

JETS 16, PATRIOTS 17

The Nyets made it close, and that's close enough. Rex Ryan should be fired- I mean, just because he's never had a good QB in his entire coaching career should not factor into this. Now that the Raiders have found a QB (which they had not done through the draft since the 19th century), it's the Jets that lead the way with disastrous draft choices at the position. Next week's loss: at Miami. Good God, they might win that game- you can bet all of New York is rooting for the faceplant and a shot at Marcus Mariota...who kinda fits their model for draft choices, though a better version. Scary pick for the Jets.

DA BARES 14, DETROIT 21

Chicago at least ties with Cleveland for best 2nd half of season tank job, and wins for team dysfunction. The leaked coaching staff comments about QB Jay Cutler are the tip of the iceberg.  They can only finish 5-11, but considering they were 3-3 at one point, I say Job Well Done!

VIKINGS 35, MIAMI 37

4th down.  Just over a minute to go.  Tie game.  You have to punt from your own end zone.  How about just hiking the ball in the dirt, and the punter gets the boot blocked out of the end zone for a safety?  Game over!  The Yikes may be a disappointment here in the basement, but they can still make the 10 Club with a loss..but here come Da Bares to what I hope is just a total freezer of a game at the Golden Gopher Hole. Yikes will have to go all out to lose that one.  I kinda doubt it.  

KANSAS CITY 12, PITTSBURGH 20

Ok, the Cheaps still have a winning record, but Alex Smith STILL hasn't thrown a TD pass to a wide receiver all season.  And they just look like the most boring team on earth. 

49-WHINERS 35, CHARGERS 38 (OT)

Exploding out to a 28-7 first half lead, the Kings of the 2nd Half Collapse do their biggest stinker of the year, and the Chargers are alive in the playoff hunt.  Man, those halftime sessions have just got to be the best Doormat speeches ever devised by people pretending to be people, and delivering a message of platitudinous tune-out to people they almost think of as people.

RAH RAH RAH BLAH BLAH!!

Also, 49ers win, by a humongous margin, for worst expensive seat fans.  They call it the Red Hole, because there is nobody there, and it is at the 50 yard line on both sides of the field, and they're all underground in the lounge, sitting on plush seats and discussing stock margins and feeding on the little people.  What a dump.

NFC SOUTH

Carolina vs. Atlanta for all the marbles this week.  7-8-1 or 7-9, win a Division and host a playoff game.  Doormat Glory!   

ONE MORE WEEK TO GO TO THE FINISH LINE FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!!!

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!