Basement Duty
Sorry to be getting this out late, folks, but it took a looooong time to get out of the Black Hole and across the Raider parking lot yesterday after the game. It was all serenity and love and...a lot of something else which we are nursing with the strongest coffee our outdoor grill can brew. The basement is really really heating up, and that's not just because we finally got the other 1951 GE heater to stop shorting out. Now that the beer-soaked carpet is a little less ooze-y, we can get down to business on the Commodore 64, and man did the Doormat Division have a great weekend.
RAIDERS 24, SANTA CLARA 13
If you didn't see this, and you sure should have, the score is more like 41-3. The Battle of the Bay was all Raiders yesterday. Shedding their Doormat Division leading status, and instead coming out like the team that has a plan, the RRRRRaiders shellack the 49ers in the kind of humiliating beat-down only a team with Doormat aspirations can absorb. The 49ers came out with guns blazing- QB Colin Kaepernick throws a strike to Raider DB Brandian Ross on the first play, and but for a brief feint at trying, after their only touchdown, Kaep dished up an array of over-thrown rockets and bullets into the dirt wrapped around a frantic performance in the pocket that looked for all the world like he's getting his play calls off his tattoos instead of the wrist wrap thing that for some bone head reason he still has to wear to know what's going on. The Raider defense was flying around with brains in their helmets, unlike last week.
If there was any doubt about the 49er intentions yesterday, coach Harbaugh dispelled them by coming charging out of the tunnel with his team and....immediately running over to Raider Owner Mark Davis for a quick chat. "Say, when do you want to talk contract for next season?" I have never seen that. Ever.
The Raider offensive line had no answer for the completely ineffective 49er D-line (hey, stop pushing!), and was forced to give QB Derek Carr enough time to age wine in the backfield. Once he popped the cork in the second quarter, Carr shredded the depleted bumbling 49er linebackers for solid gains the rest of the day. The RRRaiders scored on consecutive possessions for the first time all season. Carr looked- GREAT. Really. Honest. Great job, Niners! Watching 300lb + tackle Donald Penn catch a TD pass and get a beer bath in the Black Hole was priceless...although I did pay for my ticket.
Seasoned Doormat readers know that if you give a Doormat extra time to prepare for a game, they'll really really blow it. The Niners had 11 days to mangle whatever game plan they had, ignoring their running, scrambling and whatever else is left of their falling-on-deaf-ears coaching to deliver a must-lose stink bomb. With the three games to go, against three teams they should get plastered by (Seahawks, Chargers, Cardinals), the Whiners can wrap it all up at 7-9 and at least have Patio status here in the Basement. What a season! They've scored less TDs than the Raiders (23-24)!
The Raiders fall out of first and plummet to third, but only based on tie-breaker. So, marvelous as the win was yesterday, they still have a solid chance of taking the Moldy Carpet. After their last win, they brought in a 52-0 bomb, so, you know?
Here's this week's standings, and then let's run over the rest of the games with the snow plow-
THE STANDINGS
DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Tampa Bay 2-11 237 348 -111
NY Giants 4-9 293 326 -33
NY Jets 2-11 214 349 -135
Carolina 4-8-1 269 341 -72
New Orleans 5-8 333 359 -26
AFC
Jacksonville 2-11 199 356 -157
Tennessee 2-11 220 374 -154
Oakland 2-11 200 350 -150
Cleveland* 7-6
*membership granted due to length of service and probable rest of season.
It's really pretty amazing that just 4 teams are handling all the losses for the entire AFC this year.
JAGUARS 13, TEXANS 27
The Gags play classic standard Doormat ball, scraping out a meager first-half lead (13-10), and then shut themselves out in the 2nd half. Done and Done! Jags are back in first the Doormat AFC.
TITANICS 7, GIANTS 36
The Titanics moved into a tie for first with the Jags and Raiders, and looked formidable doing it. Going against the most implosive team in the NFL, the Titanics shrug off the Giants and their 7-game losing streak, and make it to 7 straight losses themselves. They staked the Giants to a 30-0 lead before Eli Manning did his usual pick-six or fumble/TD act, and the Titanics had to walk one in for a score.
JETS 24, VIKINGS 30 (OT)
It didn't come easy, but the Jets still pulled out the loss. Former Viking WR receiver Percy Harvin nearly messed it all up, playing like the all-star he once was, but he exited with a sprained ankle in the 4th quarter and game momentum changed. Despite Harvin's antics, the Jets kept it to one TD and FIVE Nick Folk field goals, keeping the loss attainable with just one dumb play, and once they got to overtime, they got it- a Vikes 89-yard TD pass for the win. Vikings are a Parity team, now, hard to believe- but the Jets are tied for first in the logjam in the Doormat AFC.
BUCS 17, LIONS 34
It was close at halftime (17-10 Lions) but it was Doormat close. Bucs eat the post-game spread at the half and come out like a team running in sand- Kat Box sand- for 26 total rushing yards. Which is why the Kat Box is becoming a home-field advantage for the Kittens. Bucs maintain one-game lead in Doormat NFC.
WASHINGTON 0, RAMS 24
Two shut-outs in row now for the Rams. These guys better finish up with a winning record, because I'm not even allowing them on the Patio, even if they finish 7-9. Much more deserving teams for that honor. Deadskins QBs Colt McCoy and RGB III keep movin' on backward with seven sacks for an impressive -53 yards. Toss in 3 turnovers and you will not lose to this team. Forget it. The Sunburns maintain pressure on Bucs for first in Doormat NFC. They can still take the Moldy Carpet. The mold is growing just for them.
BROWNS 24, COLTS 25
And the Johnny Timebomb era begins in Cleveland. Browns almost win game, despite not scoring offensive touchdown. And with Colts QB Andrew Luck doing his usual charity drives in the first half (two TDs for Brownie defense), the Blank Helmets were threatened with victory. But, Brownie QB Bryan Hoyer has the footwork of a middling high-school QB, which he had on full display yesterday, though I think Cleveland fans do a lot of avoidance therapy when the Browns have the ball. Did I just get a text? Hoyer has danced himself to the bench.
SAINTS 10, PANTHERS 41
Just when you think someone is going to win 6 games in the NFC South, they throw you a curveball. If Atlanta can lose tonight in Green Bay, just about a 100% chance, there will be three games to play with only the faintest of faint glimmers that any of these teams can finish 8-8. We're sticking to the 6-10 and they make it to the Super Bowl. 6-9-1 can even do it. Absolutely pummeling the hapless Saints in a physical mauling that has not been expected from the Pansies all year, Cam Newton and company pull the NFC South down one more notch and closer to glory. I can't believe the determination and guts this division is showing to blow up the Super Bowl this season.
Something's GOTTA GIVE next week, folks- who can give the most?
aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!
Even McFadden was able to gain a few yards yesterday against the 9er D-feces.
ReplyDeletealso skampernick made some awful passes, unless you count hitting the opponent in the chest with the ball as a completion.
ReplyDeleteit counts. around here. but nowhere else. McFadden averaged his usual 1.9 yards. Poor guy goes down if someone looks in his direction. He was so good at one time.
ReplyDeleteThe scary thing is the Aints do have the horses to win. They could conceivably win the south at 6-10 and then get hot and ride a rocket into the Super Bowl where the Patriots will destroy them 58-12. But the reality is, it is looking more and more like a Seahawk/Paats Bowl. Snore. Green Bay has the only shot at beating Seattle.
ReplyDeleteGreen Bay will kill Seattle. Especially if they have home field.
ReplyDeleteI hope so. Not traditionally a Green Bay fan, but Aaron Rodgers and this team are great to watch.
ReplyDelete