WEEK SIX WRAP-UP AND PUNT INTO EXISTENTIAL SKY

WEEK SIX WRAP-UP:

4 teams ended their playoff hopes yesterday, even if one of them won (Detroit!).  Now, at 1-5, they can concentrate on going for the Moldy Carpet trophy we so lovingly grow during the season. We water it each Sunday with 16oz of the cheapest beer from the cheapest store on the cheapest street in town, and then carefully tune the space heater to just the right growing humidity.  It’s like making a rainbow in your own shag carpeting.

But enough about gardening. Let’s gaze at the standings and get to the games, and there were some doozies.

Kittens still rule the NFC with a log-jam of Parity (please, no) below.  The AFC is a tight race, with the Gags just percentage points ahead of the hard-charging Cheaps.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        1-5          120 - 172

Whiners     2-4           100 – 160

Deadskins  2-4           117 – 138

daBares      2-4           120 - 179

Aints          2-4           134 - 164

Seahags      2-4          134 – 125

Lambs        2-3            84 - 113

AFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Gaguars     1-5            113 – 176

Cheaps      1-5            127 - 159

Cravens      1-5             143 - 162

Titanics      1-4             112 - 129

Toxins       2-4            128 - 155

Chargettes  2-4           136 – 161

AW, DARN

Bears 34, Lions 37 (OT)

The last team with a perfect record is no more. 1000+ yards of offense.  This is the kind of Doormat game we want. No defense, normally anemic offenses suddenly look like scoring machines.  The Lions turn it over 3 times, commit 10 penalties, even tried to give daBares a last second TD, but the Bears put their paw down and kick a field goal to only tie it at :00. Lions refuse to score as long as possible, but Bears outlast them-  Kitties kick a FG with 2:29 left in OT.

Amazing Performance of the Week

Colts 27, Patriots 34

Wow, what a…deflating loss. Yes, the Colts are 3-3 and solidly in the Parity Division lead, but the botched fake punt, with the entire team way over to the right, and 3 guys at the ball, resulted in the saddest hike and tackle I’ve ever seen. It’s not a trick play when everybody can see what you’re doing! Ka-lunk!! Intentionally designing the most bonehead alignment possible, and then running it to execution- I mean, perfection- is Doormat Hall of Fame material. Colts don’t recover, and Pats laugh all the way to the next air pump station.

SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY

Seahawks 23, Carolina 27

No matter how few seconds are left, the Hags still have time to lose. The Seahags have led going into the 4^th quarter in 3 of their 4 losses.  And two losses were snatched in OT.  They did it again yesterday, coughing up the win with :32 left.

Losing at the last second is the greater art form than just getting blown out, so I don’t want to hear any bellering up in Seattle about how they could be 6-0. The creative innovation in the defensive secondary, coupled with Red Zone brain failure, is forcing the issue in the Basement, and the Seahags have been allowed in from the chilly patio.  Man, I kinda hate the smell of kelp.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Titans 10,  Dolphins 38

The Dolphins may seem like they stink, but now they and their fans know better.  Move over, America, the Titanics are in the house! Supported by an offensive line that couldn’t keep 4 drag queens from getting to the stage to lip-synch Madonna tunes (admittedly a tough assignment), QB Marcus Mariota gets flattened 6 times, fumbles twice, and rips two interceptions. Whoa, nelly. Marcus finishes the game in a knee brace and in bad need of a makeover. These guys could go 1-15.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Jaguars 20,  Texans 31

Think you can strut into Jacksonville’s  Everbanking-on–a-Loss Stadium, all puffed up about how bad you are, and think you'll show them how losing is done in 2015? Please.  You haven’t really cried until you cry tears of teal.  Jags kill three drives with interceptions, with a pick-six mixed in to nail down the loss, no problem. 

Chiefs 10,  Vikings 16

Any game the Chiefs play is the Stiff of the Week.  The Chiefs have a solid game plan: Don’t do anything on offense that any 102 year-old librarian wouldn't do.  Calcified game plans from 4 floors down in the stacks!  

Ravens 20,  49ers  25

Any game between these two teams (both 1-4 coming in) basically boils down to whether Colin Kaepernick or Joe Flacco sails more mid-range passes over their targets or not.  That’s it.  Seriously. Flacco won yesterday.  The Poe-Cravens also started a guy at DB that the 49ers just released, and it was too much knowledge.  Niners forced to score twice on him, win game.  Ravens 1-5 and can now focus on the Moldy Carpet.

Browns 23, Broncos 26

Well, we thought the Brownies were in trouble with this one, and it took OT and 3 turnovers to nail it down, but a loss is a loss- and when you drop one like this at home, even better.  The Brownie Bake Sale lives. 

Washington 20, Jets 34

The Deadskins played football for 30 minutes yesterday.  The Jets played for 60.

THIS WEEK'S LOWS:

Points:      10       (Titans, Chiefs)
Penalties:  9/111 ( Cards)  11/103   (Indy)
Turnovers:  4       (Titans)
First Downs:  14  (Pitt, Seahags, 'Skins)
Total Yards: 225   ('Skins)
Passing yards: 169  (Pitt)
Rushing yards: 34   ('Skins)
Yards Allowed:  548 (Green Bay); 546 (Bears)
Punts:   7      (Seahags)
Total Punts:  14  (Den-Cle)

aaaaAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!