DOORMAT WEEK SEVEN WRAP-UP AND INCINERATE

HUGE RE-SHUFFLE!

I have to make this brief this week, there’s a lot to do, and the police should be pulling up shortly and I’d better-  I mean, I have to go to ‘work.’  But we have the space heater keeping us warm for now, one tiny short away from burning down the whole rotting structure, and leaving just the sliding door standing, dog slobber and all. 

In our beloved Doormat Division, where losing is the name of the game, and your own personal football hell turns into hallelujah, there was a bold move in the AFC: the Titanics put on a tombstone of a performance this week, losing 10-7 to Atlanta, and rise to the top of the standings, tied with the Poe-Cravens. 

Here’s the standings, and let’s get to the games.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-6           139 - 200

Whiners      2-5           103 – 180

Bootineers   2-4           140 - 179

daBares       2-4           120 - 179

Deadskins   3-4           148 – 168

Seahags       3-4          154 - 128

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      1-5            119 - 139

Cravens      1-5            143 – 162

Toxins        2-5            154 - 199

Gaguars      2-5            147 - 207

Cheaps        2-5           150 - 172

Chargettes   2-5           165 – 198

STIFF OF THE WEEK

TITANS 7, FALCONS 10

With Titanic QB Marcus Mariotta on the bench with 17 injuries after 6-game mugging, dustbin QB Zach Mettenberg comes in and directs a complete snooze-fest.  The Falcons responded with their own freeze job, but have no fear- Mettenberg whipped out the killer late interception with 1:31 to seal the loss.   Titanics take over first place in the AFC. 

BILLS  31,  JAGS 34 (in LONDON)

Better watch out.  The Nils are up to their usual tricks- play a few good games early in the season, and then another memorable slide into frigid Lake Erie.

The Gags, playing in their annual DOORMAT DISASTER in London, could not put the Bills away. Inexplicably up 27-13 enterting the 4^th quarter, the Jags engineer 18 straight Buffalo points, combining a long pass play with a pick six in rapid succession, losing the lead with just 5:21 to go.  But it was not to be- the Nils responded by going out for tea, and Jag QB Blake Bortles throws a winning TD pass to shock the 84,000 fans who vaguely had an idea of what might be happening on the field, should they look up from their smartphones which had the match of the day on. 

LIONS 19, VIKINGS 28

Up 17-15 at halftime, the Kittens stopped fooling around, dug a big whole in the cat box and laid down a stinker- 1 first down in the second half, the Vikes nab 6 sacks, Kitties stack up 6 three and outs...  Peee-yuuuuuuuu.  Lions 1-6 and look unstoppable, at least until Dec. 27^th, when they travel to ‘San Francisco’ to have the huge Doormat tilt with the Santa Clara Niners. Be there.

RAIDERS 37, CHARGERS 29

Wait, WHAT?  The Raiders scored on their first 7 possessions, which hasn’t happened since Al Davis was alive, had a pompadour that included hair, and John Madden could still eat Mexican food.  WR Amari Cooper is…holy God…exciting.  We’re going out on a limb here, but the Raiders could wind up with a winning record.  They have a long way to go, as in at least 8 wins, but these guys just might be leaving the basement for real. (They still racked up 14 penalties, so don’t get TOO excited.)

The Chargettes, on the other hand, sure can pile up the points while they pile up the losses (non-wins).  

BROWNS 6, RAMS 24

It was no contest.  With a phenomenal 4 lost fumbles, the Blank Helmets couldn’t have played any browner.  Johnny Manzel got some mop-up duty in the 4^th when Browns QB Josh McCown left favoring the bench.  I mean, his right arm.  

BUCCANEERS 30, WASHINGTON FATS  31

Up 24-0 in the first half, the Bootineers did what all true losing teams do in those situations- relax, baby!  Here, take the ball, score score score! We’re done!  Enoy! 

Suddenly caught in an avalanche of points they couldn’t stop, the ‘Skins/Fats pulled up dangerously close to the lead, 24-21, entering the 4^th quarter. 

But there they anchored, and then it was a vicious field goal freeze out, back and forth, but then- the ‘Skins/Fats are just NO match for the Bucs in the end- the Bucs secondary drops so far back in prevent defense for the final drive that they were getting phone numbers from the Redskin cheerleaders (the Squaws?) at the back of the end zone.  Fats QB “Fats” Cousins has no choice but to throw to a wide open WR "Fats" Reed in the end zone and finish the job with :24 seconds left.  A real Doormat battle to the finish.  Go Boots!! 

TEXANS 26, DOPLHINS 44

Geez.  Fire your coach and start scoring a billion points.  It helps when you play a team that gave up last week on their season.  Down in the dumpy-wumps and crying in their beer, the Texans roll out a bomb for the ages, trailing 41-0 at halftime.  The entire 2^nd half was garbage time.  KLUNK!!

STEELERS 13, CHIEFS 23

Two teams without a QB, but one with the ability to give up the ball, three of them- the Reelers get back to losing, and the Cheaps lose ground in the AFC hunt.

COLTS 21, SAINTS 27

Not sure how you total 48 points AND punt 20 times (ten each) but that has to be some kind of record.  Saints exiting basement, Colts hanging out on chilly patio looking longingly in through sliding glass door at the orange couch with all the duct tape on it.  Lose two more, guys, OK? 

NFL WEEK 7 WORST STATS

 Points:         3               Niners

First Downs:  8               Niners

Punts:           10              Saints and Colts- same game!  20 total.

Total Yards: 142            Niners

Passing:       81              Niners

Rushing:       50              Washington Fats

Penalties:     14/136         Raiders

3^rd down eff:  1-11          Niners

Yards allowed:  503         Texans

Turnovers :     4             Bills (2int/2fum),  Browns (0/4), Cowboys (2/2)

aaaAAAAAAnd That the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!