THURSDAY NIGHT DOORMAT

SEAHAGS (2-4) vs.  FORTY-WHINERS (2-4)

There is no doubt about it.  This is a serious Doormat Division game tonight folks.  The two teams that have hated each other for years.  The Thanksgiving game where Seahawks set up a table and started eating turkey dinner right on the Levi's Stadium turf after clocking the Niners. The huge games with the trip to the Super Bowl on the line.  Media hater Colin Scampernick vs. choirboy Russell Wilson.  Richard Sherman and anybody. 

SO WHAT.  The more losses you have, the more vital the rivalry. This game's about nothing. NOTHING. How does that make you feel, fanboy?  Order extra 80-year old security personnel at Levi's Stadium.  Wear your hard hat.

 Two desperate teams, one unwittingly engineering themselves into the Basement (Seattle) while the other has done it from the top down (SF), in a game that somebody just HAS to lose in order to stay in the Moldy Carpet hunt.  3-4 isn't gonna cut it.  Only 2-5 will do.

The Hags lead the league in sacks allowed, while the Whiners haven't sacked anybody since Death Cab for Cutie was the biggest name in music you don't listen to. When push comes to shove...waiting...still waiting...never mind. The Whines expected a dip in the D, after so many rats jumped ship, but instead they've been blessed with an ABYSS of ineffectiveness.

The Hags are coming off yet another impressive last second loss, while the Whiners could not keep out of the end zone (defensive backs that fall down repeatedly are hard to throw to) last week and saw the Ravens grab the loss right in front of them. Galling.

Will this be another 2015 Doormat game where both teams get to rack up 450 yards of offense, and fake the fans into thinking something is devloping?
Or will they make us think the Chiefs are in town?

It may come down to a vicious punting battle.  The Hags check in #2 in the league (32) trailing only perennial champion Buffalo (33), while the Niners have just sketchy enough punting to make you worry every time 4th down rolls around.

EDGE TO LOSE:   We have NO idea.  Whiners.  They won last week.  They're done winning for now.

WEEK SIX WRAP-UP AND PUNT INTO EXISTENTIAL SKY

WEEK SIX WRAP-UP:

4 teams ended their playoff hopes yesterday, even if one of them won (Detroit!).  Now, at 1-5, they can concentrate on going for the Moldy Carpet trophy we so lovingly grow during the season. We water it each Sunday with 16oz of the cheapest beer from the cheapest store on the cheapest street in town, and then carefully tune the space heater to just the right growing humidity.  It’s like making a rainbow in your own shag carpeting.

But enough about gardening. Let’s gaze at the standings and get to the games, and there were some doozies.

Kittens still rule the NFC with a log-jam of Parity (please, no) below.  The AFC is a tight race, with the Gags just percentage points ahead of the hard-charging Cheaps.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        1-5          120 - 172

Whiners     2-4           100 – 160

Deadskins  2-4           117 – 138

daBares      2-4           120 - 179

Aints          2-4           134 - 164

Seahags      2-4          134 – 125

Lambs        2-3            84 - 113

AFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Gaguars     1-5            113 – 176

Cheaps      1-5            127 - 159

Cravens      1-5             143 - 162

Titanics      1-4             112 - 129

Toxins       2-4            128 - 155

Chargettes  2-4           136 – 161

AW, DARN

Bears 34, Lions 37 (OT)

The last team with a perfect record is no more. 1000+ yards of offense.  This is the kind of Doormat game we want. No defense, normally anemic offenses suddenly look like scoring machines.  The Lions turn it over 3 times, commit 10 penalties, even tried to give daBares a last second TD, but the Bears put their paw down and kick a field goal to only tie it at :00. Lions refuse to score as long as possible, but Bears outlast them-  Kitties kick a FG with 2:29 left in OT.

Amazing Performance of the Week

Colts 27, Patriots 34

Wow, what a…deflating loss. Yes, the Colts are 3-3 and solidly in the Parity Division lead, but the botched fake punt, with the entire team way over to the right, and 3 guys at the ball, resulted in the saddest hike and tackle I’ve ever seen. It’s not a trick play when everybody can see what you’re doing! Ka-lunk!! Intentionally designing the most bonehead alignment possible, and then running it to execution- I mean, perfection- is Doormat Hall of Fame material. Colts don’t recover, and Pats laugh all the way to the next air pump station.

SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY

Seahawks 23, Carolina 27

No matter how few seconds are left, the Hags still have time to lose. The Seahags have led going into the 4^th quarter in 3 of their 4 losses.  And two losses were snatched in OT.  They did it again yesterday, coughing up the win with :32 left.

Losing at the last second is the greater art form than just getting blown out, so I don’t want to hear any bellering up in Seattle about how they could be 6-0. The creative innovation in the defensive secondary, coupled with Red Zone brain failure, is forcing the issue in the Basement, and the Seahags have been allowed in from the chilly patio.  Man, I kinda hate the smell of kelp.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Titans 10,  Dolphins 38

The Dolphins may seem like they stink, but now they and their fans know better.  Move over, America, the Titanics are in the house! Supported by an offensive line that couldn’t keep 4 drag queens from getting to the stage to lip-synch Madonna tunes (admittedly a tough assignment), QB Marcus Mariota gets flattened 6 times, fumbles twice, and rips two interceptions. Whoa, nelly. Marcus finishes the game in a knee brace and in bad need of a makeover. These guys could go 1-15.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Jaguars 20,  Texans 31

Think you can strut into Jacksonville’s  Everbanking-on–a-Loss Stadium, all puffed up about how bad you are, and think you'll show them how losing is done in 2015? Please.  You haven’t really cried until you cry tears of teal.  Jags kill three drives with interceptions, with a pick-six mixed in to nail down the loss, no problem. 

Chiefs 10,  Vikings 16

Any game the Chiefs play is the Stiff of the Week.  The Chiefs have a solid game plan: Don’t do anything on offense that any 102 year-old librarian wouldn't do.  Calcified game plans from 4 floors down in the stacks!  

Ravens 20,  49ers  25

Any game between these two teams (both 1-4 coming in) basically boils down to whether Colin Kaepernick or Joe Flacco sails more mid-range passes over their targets or not.  That’s it.  Seriously. Flacco won yesterday.  The Poe-Cravens also started a guy at DB that the 49ers just released, and it was too much knowledge.  Niners forced to score twice on him, win game.  Ravens 1-5 and can now focus on the Moldy Carpet.

Browns 23, Broncos 26

Well, we thought the Brownies were in trouble with this one, and it took OT and 3 turnovers to nail it down, but a loss is a loss- and when you drop one like this at home, even better.  The Brownie Bake Sale lives. 

Washington 20, Jets 34

The Deadskins played football for 30 minutes yesterday.  The Jets played for 60.

THIS WEEK'S LOWS:

Points:      10       (Titans, Chiefs)
Penalties:  9/111 ( Cards)  11/103   (Indy)
Turnovers:  4       (Titans)
First Downs:  14  (Pitt, Seahags, 'Skins)
Total Yards: 225   ('Skins)
Passing yards: 169  (Pitt)
Rushing yards: 34   ('Skins)
Yards Allowed:  548 (Green Bay); 546 (Bears)
Punts:   7      (Seahags)
Total Punts:  14  (Den-Cle)

aaaaAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

AS THE FROZEN TURKEY SPINS: NFL WEEK 11 PREVIEW

Broncos best reception of the night: a pick-six

Broncos 17 Jets 13

I hate these Thursday night games. I’ve barely recovered from my NFL Sunday hangover, the Basement is still awash in pizza boxes and beer cans, and now we have to start getting out our predictions by Thursday morning. Come ON.

I bet the New York Jets hate Thursday night, now, too. Tim Tebow is now leading the charge for what is the most unique phenomenon in the NFL- a team playing pure doormat ball (until the final 5 minutes), and winning games! It’s the best of both worlds! Except the Buncos now have no chance to win the Moldy Carpet, and they sure aren’t going to win the Stuper Bowl. But, enjoy this time, Denver phans, because NFL teams are going to start watching video of the past 5 games, and the good teams (wait, do the Broncos play any of those?) will be figuring out your 1 ½ dimension team.

11 first downs! 56 total plays! 104 yards passing! These stats could hold up as WORST NFL STATS of the Week, and it’s only Friday! What are the Buncos doing right? Their defense is keeping it close. Tebow is not getting sacked quite so often anymore, and the guy sure does know how to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat, which is just not the Doormat way. The Donkey-Buncos have 6 games left to get an education, but there are some pretty shaky opponents in that mix, with only Chicago and New England looking like a sure L. All you Bronco haters out there, they’ve just upped the ante!

Okay, on to the preview:

NFL WEEK 11 Preview and Frozen Turkey Spin

Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose

Game of the Week!

Seattle Seahawks (3-6) at St. Louis Rams (2-7)

Last time these two Doormat titans met, it was for all the marbles in the NFC Worst, and a place in history as the Seahags became the first team in history to win a Division with a losing record (7-9). The Hags are one of the worst road teams on the planet. The Lambs, fresh off their second straight win, will be straining to maintain their Doormat cred, but it just might not be enough.

EDGE: Seahags

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6) at Cleveland Browns (3-6)

Another week, another Brownie-Bake-Sale in Cleveland. Pour another bowl of Chomps Cereal, sit back, and close your eyes, Cleveland. The Moldy Carpet could have been yours, but you squandered your chances in the early season, winning games you should have lost, and now look- a 3-6 record, a paper bag, and some scissors. The Gaguars, continuing their tour of the quietest stadiums in the NFL, fresh off their failure to out-lose the Dolts, will be really bringing it. The ineptitude, I mean. This is the game that asks the question: why haven’t any NFL coaches been fired yet?

EDGE: Brownies

Buffalo Bills (5-4) at Miami Dolphins (2-7)

The Bills are teetering near Nils territory folks. With one more loss, they’ll be back at .500, and will be allowed to hunker over the grill on our patio. The Floppers have become the Doormat bully lately, suddenly finding their alter-ego, and tromping teams somewhat decisively. Shocking. Time for some over-confidence!

EDGE: Floppers

Dallas Cowboys (5-4) at Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Deadskins are on a 5-game roll, and the Cowpies pulled themselves over .500 last week. The Deadskins are past mediocre now. They’re a fixture at the bar in the Basement.

EDGE: Deadskins

Arizona Cardinals (3-6) at San Francisco 49ers (8-1)

The Crudinals were no match for the Pheebles last week, so they’ve gone back to the drawing board to figure out what is going on. No worries, Doormat fans, even though I can’t get used to seeing “8-1” next to the 49ers in the standings, the Cruds will have trouble crossing the 50 yard line in this one. Look for one pick-six in this affair.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

Oakland Raiders (5-4) at Minnesota Vikings (2-7)

The Raiders have scraped all the rust off Carson Palmer, the receiving corps is pumped to say the least, and the Yikings will be hoving into sight at just about the right moment on Sunday- losing time. Now, the Raydurz can play a sloppy, boneheaded game with the best of them, so anything is possible, but right now I’m seeing 4 touchdowns out of the Silver and Black,and I think the Yikes have stopped doing that now. After all, it’s Week 11, guys are getting more than tired.

EDGE: YIKINGS

Carolina Panthers (2-7) at Detroit Lions (6-3)

If the Lions can blow this one at the Cat Box, people might start looking over their shoulder to see if Matt Millen’s ghost is floating by. The Kitties have looked sloppy and unfocused, Matt Stafford has started doing that ‘flinging it’ thing he does when he’s tanking, and the wheels are wobbling. Lose this one, and it’s a short week before the Packers show up and start kicking cat litter in their face. Pansies really tanked last week. Newton will play better, but the Pansies are better at coming close but no cigar than any other team.

EDGE: Pansies

Philadephia Eagles at New York Giants

“How bad could it be?” Michael Vick has broken ribs, the Eagles have forgotten how to use LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson is either unhappy or screwing up, and the Pheebles will come skulking into the Jimmy Hoffa Memorial End Zone Sunday, hoping to pull their feet out of the cement shoes they’re being fitted for. Not a chance.

EDGE: Pheebles

Blowout of the Week

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots

The Cheaps are 15 point underdogs on Monday night, and it’s just the kind of national stage that gets a coach fired from a team he is running into the ground. Hard to get fired when your stars are out for the season, though, with QB Matt Cassel handing the punishment over to Tyler Palko (first start ever) and RB Jamaal Charles checked out for the duration of the season. The Cheaps have given up nine sacks in the last two weeks. They may get that many more come Monday night.

EDGE and complete abyss: CHEAPS

TIME TO SUMMON THE ORACLE AND

SPIN THE FROZEN TURKEY.

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!

SeaHags Finish with Style, Panache, and a Slip-n-Slide

Chicago Bears 35, SeaHags 24

Matt Hasselbeck gets ready to throw one through Mike Williams

Finish Strong!

Putting on a Doormat performance only we can love, the Seattle SeaHags did the Doormat Division- and the NFC Worst- proud yesterday at Soldier Field.

They did it all- getting stuffed by a brick wall of a defensive line, somehow scraping out 34 yards of rushing offense, going 3-173 on 3rd down conversions, playing hi-larious pass defense, and coming up with THE MOST FUMBLE FINGERED performance of all time.

Special, special, special props to Seahags wide receiver Mike Williams, who must have dropped at least 12 (maybe it was 271) passes yesterday, more than half of Seattle's incomplete passes. I honestly have never seen somebody have a more fumble fingered game. Yes it was COLD out there, so I'll let a couple of rocks bounce off your hands....but almost every single one? Wow!

But let's not stop there- the Seattle defensive secondary got into the act, missing TWO golden opportunities to snag an INT early in the game, including a goal line gimme that probably would have gone 99 the other way, keeping the game close. Jay Cutler tried- he really did- to throw this game early. Once he saw what he was up against, he switched gears and went for the win.

To top it off, the Hags staged a classic Doormat Futile Comeback, hopelessly far behind at 28-0, the Hags score 21 points in the 4th quarter to finish seemingly close, 35-24. They never had a chance, so the pressure's off! Go nuts! Still lose!

Hags finish out the season TWO games under .500, 8-10, but into the second round of the playoffs. Watch out for these guys next year, there's no telling what kind of record they can get into the playoffs with. 6-10? They still made the TEN club. I'm just in AWE.

aaaAAAAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

The World's Biggest Upset- Doormat Style

Seahags 41, Aints 36

Seattle Seahags- Super Bowl bound

What can you say? Other than I should have bet the house?

The Seahags prove all the pundits, prognosticators, Vegas and sane people WRONG.

But not us! We apologize for not posting our predictions for the weekend- we forgot we had a doormat team in the playoffs.

But here's what we said last week- the Seahags will get to the NFC Championship game. We also said, 3 weeks ago, that whoever would eventually win the NFC Worst would make it to the NFC Championship game....and now we're ONE GAME AWAY.

Apologies to our Vegas followers, as we should have GUARANTEED Seattle beating the point spread. If you've been following us all year, you know this: The Saints played down to every single doormat team they met, including losing to the Brownies (got clobbered) and the Crudinals. The Crudinals are really terrible- they just play in the NFC Worst, so they ended up with 5 wins (but not a win over the Hags). A 14-point spread was ridiculous, especially when you recognize that the Hags play nearly competent football at home.

Turning in the game of his life, Matt Hasselbeck shreds the Saints all day long. Marshawn Lynch, who we pointed out in week XV has found new life in Seattle after losing the Nils ju-ju, actually delivers a running game. If the Hags get any kind of running game going, they win.

Hags win. Hags win! They STILL have a losing record! Woo-Hoo!! You have to call this the biggest playoff upset ever, because nobody with a losing record has ever won a playoff game. Toss in the Super Bowl champs, and you've got the perfect setup. Wow, we're drinking the whole keg of Hamm's and barbecuing....a meat-like substance on the grill.

The Doormat Division Marches On!!!!!!

Doormat Division Week XVII NFC WORST Special Edition

Doormat Division Weak XVII Special NFC WORST Edition

We gathered in the Basement tonight, we tapped the keg of Hamm’s, fished the 15lb bag of chips out of the possum nest and settled down before the Zenith to watch the Seattle Seahags and the St. Louis Lambs attempt to bring home the playoff bacon to the NFC Worst. In the balance was the first time-ever opportunity for a team to make the playoffs with a LOSING RECORD.

And, in a style that can only be appreciated from the Doormat side of the NFL, they DELIVERED. The Seattle SeaHags have done it. 7-9 and headed to a terrible beat-down at the hands of an actual winning team next week, the Hags stumble into the playoffs. But who cares about that? Let’s savor this game. This moment may never come this way again, sports fans.

SeaHags 16, Lambs 6

Now that the laughter has died down, let’s take a closer look at this contest.

First of all, this game is the STIFF OF THE WEEK. Amazing, huh? Playoffs dangling there, but these teams can still cough up a stinker.

NFL bust back-up starting? Yes! League worst rushing attack here? Aye! The Hags brought a lot of bad to the field in this game, but they were up against a team that knows how. In a game like this, you only need one touchdown. So, after kicking off, the Lambs open up the passing lanes and Hags QB Charlie Whitehurst earns his $10 million dollars in the first 4 minutes of the game, finding receivers so open, that they couldn’t help but catch the ball….as long as they’re not playing for the Lambs. 7-0, Hags.

But wait! There’s 3 ½ more quarters to play. The game is not over (though, actually, it was). Needing to score a touchdown, possibly the most intimidating task in all of football, the Lambs respond by starting a punt fest, and the Hags and Lambs squeeze in 6 punts by the end of the quarter. That’s 7 changes of possession in 11:30. It’s like tennis.

2^nd quarter

Lambs finally get their offense in gear, move down the field, but are frightened by the looming goal line, and settle for a field goal. 7-3, Hags. 4 more punts and both teams retire to the locker rooms, where the Lambs make a crucial halftime adjustment. They brought out the deadly Dink and Drop offense. Watch it work its magic.

3^rd quarter

The Hags know that Doormat axiom, though: a fumble is better than a punt. Boom! Hags hand over the ball on their own 28 on the next play from scrimmage. Ha! Try and not score.

Lambs dink and drop a little, inch closer, but freak out again, kick another field goal, and beat a hasty retreat to the sideline heaters. 7-6 Hags. Still safely behind. Hags respond by running the ball, a surefire way to set up a nice punt, but the Lambs are ready, and guide Seattle down the field- Hags chip in another 3 points in this game of Football Lowball. 10-6 Hags.

Lambs respond by dropping two perfectly thrown balls, one a bomb, by Sam Bradford.

Punt!

4^th Quarter

At this point, the bumbling goes into high high gear.

1. Seahag coach Carroll calls a timeout by not calling a time out, and gets charged for a timeout before a punt. Nice. Since you are playing a team trying to out-doormat you, you will probably get away with it. Lambs respond promptly with the dink, drop and punt, and Hags somehow get downfield again, kicking another FG.

Hags 13-6. This is a HUGE lead.

2. The Lambs start dropping everything Sam Bradford throws, especially the ones that hit them right in the numbers. ow!

3. Lambs, needing to get off a play before a challenge is made by the Hags (on a dropped pass, of course), get a delay of game! Hags fail to throw red flag anyway.

4. Bradford, desperate to find somebody who can catch a pass, gives up and throws to the Hags. INT at 8:42 of the game. SeaHags take the ball and start the longest drive of the game, an assortment of 4-yard gains that St. Louis had no answer for (the answer is ‘defense’).

5. the Refs get into the doormat act, totally blowing a placement on 3 and 1, giving Seattle a 1^st down. Nobody for the Lambs objects. We know what they want.

6. Lambs hold, Seattle lines up 45-yard FG, and….Lambs jump offside! First down, Seattle.

7. Lambs let way too much time go off clock, Hags work it down to 1:41, kick the final points of the regular season through the goal posts, and achieve DOORMAT IMMORTALITY.

16-6, SeaHags.

16 punts total.

Lambs: 184 total yards, 10 first downs, 2-14 on third down. 0-2 in the red zone (Hags 1-4). And to think, these guys almost won the division.

This game was played cellar style, Doormat All-Star style. But, to be honest, not surprisingly the team that is still standing in the NFC Worst, as bad as they may be, is coached by Pete Carroll, the guy I loved to hate at USC. The playoffs are here, and this guy’s team, bumbling and all, is still playing. We here in the Doormat Basement have predicted, in a fit of hilarity, that the NFC West champ will advance to the NFC Championship. But…Charlie Whitehurst is not Kurt Warner. Still, I’m not writing them off. They are the pride of the Doormat division tonight.

You CAN win for losing tonight!