Doormat Glory On Wildcard Weekend!!!

We thought we were done, here in the Basement, but we wuz WRONG:

TEXANS 0,  CHIEFS 30
All year we kept waiting for the Houston Toxins to implode, to stop pretending and just give it up.  Little did we understand what they had in store for us.  Their Doormat goal:  make the playoffs by just scraping it up to one game over .500, and then IMPLODE on National TV on WILD CARD WEEKEND.  I gotta say, I didn't see it coming- at least not this spectacular.

It must have been torture to win all those games, just to get to this bomber ditch dive death ray of a self immolation that was on display in Houston yesterday.  WOW.  Toxin QB Brian "Twinkle Toes" Hoyer was the runaway star, cashing in 4 interceptions and a fumble. If you want to be a Doormat All-Star, save the worst game of your career for the playoffs.  Hoyer delivered...in spades.  In shovels, in fact. When's the last time a starting QB in a playoff game gets booed from well before the halftime horn to the end of the game, and never gets benched?  That would be never. So, you know they meant business from opening kick-off to final baleful horn.

And what an opening kick-off it was.  The Toxic Cloud wasted no time letting the Chieftains know that their first playoff victory in 22 years was on the menu.  11 seconds into the game, the Cheaps had all the points they were going to need, with Knile Davis sprinting 106 yards across the plastic carpet, into the distant end zone, where the air was fast escaping from 71,800 Toxin fans, and the entire stadium. 7-0 and game over.

But I hope you stayed glued to your set, because you won't see a heap of disaster like that again anytime soon.  Look for the Toxins to come out of the gate next year 0-5.  They can relax now.

BUNGLES 16, STEELERS 18 
25 years!  Yes, the Cincinnati Bungles did it again, and this time they really really really looked like they were winning the game.  But...please.  You can BET, and I mean it, you can bet that not a single fan in Cincinatti-Ohio-northern Kentucky was at all thinking the game was going to be a victory for the Striped Stinkers. The Bungle-skis now are one game ahead of the illustrious Detroit Lions for longest run of zero playoff victories- 25 years (however, let's not forget the Lions have one 1 playoff victory in 58 years, so good luck chasing that one). This 25th Silver Anniversary is precious,  so remember to gift your Ohio friends with something special, because you know they are expecting something.  Wait, no, they aren't expecting ANYTHING.

With under 2 minutes remaining in a game so ugly I could have been a cheeleader for it, all the Bingle Bunks had to do was run out the clock, and parked at the Steeler 9-yard line, it looked like their only real problem was if they might accidentally score and not run out the clock.  But No! As the great Keith Jackson would say:  Fummmmmmmble!  I am glad, though, that a name like Vontaze Burfict played a big part in the total collapse in the final 1:23.  With some help from knucklehead buddy Adam Jones, the duo got two personal foul calls for 30 yards, and Ben Rothlisberger only had to heave his battered torso up the field a couple times and Bob's your uncle,  kick the damn field goal, and the Steel Curtain comes down in Cincy one - more -time.

POW!! BLAM!!!  Doormat excellence continues in the Playoffs.   Way to represent, guys!!

-wacko

Tampa Bay Bumbles Way to 2014 Moldy Carpet

Hey, sorry guys, I see I never posted the results or a final report on the 2014 season. As you may recall, since 2012 I have actually "played" a Doormat Bowl game using a complicated 5-die (one of them a triangle) game that takes the quality of the teams into consideration.

So very late, and my apologies, here are the results from last year:

Bootineers Out-bumble Titanics to take Moldy Carpet in Wild Game on Frozen Minnesota Turf

MINNEAPOLIS--Both finishing the season at 2-14, the Tampa Bay Bootineers and the Tennessee Titanics rolled into Minneapolis, Minnesota for a final punt-fest showdown in the new Vikings stadium. Unfortunately, the stadium was not finished so they had to move the game to the nearest high school (West High), but someone had recently fertilized it with weed killler by mistake. No matter, it was 7 degrees at game time with snow on the ground.

But before we begin the game coverage, here is a look at 5 places you just have to visit in Minneapolis:

Minneapolis Viking Park

Minneapolis Saturday Market

Minneapolis Archery Range

Minneapolis Fitness Center (they like to be fit in the twin cities)

Skating Rinks (OK, she might be at one and she said she likes skating)

And now for the game summary:

LINE SCORE: 

TAMPA BAY  0  7  17  14--38
TENNESSEE  3 22   3   6--41

There were 8 punts and 6 fumbles in the game, two fumbles on kickoff returns. Early in the game Tampa Bay efficiently stayed on the ground for 3 and outs, leaving Tennessee with field position so good they could not avoid scoring, and they took an early 0-3 lead. The Titanics  blew up the second quarter with 22 points, 14 of them after recovering a fumble inside the Tampa Bay 10. The Bootineers looked unstoppable.

By half Tampa Bay was cruising to the Moldy Carpet with a 7-25 lead, but Tennessee managed three punts under 15 yards, missed two field goals, and tossed a pic six as the Bootineers found themselves scoring 17 points in the third quarter. 

Early in the fourth quarter the Titanics expertly worked field position, gifting the Bootineers with two more TDs and a lead of 38-35. It looked like the Titanics would win the Moldy Carpet after all. By the way, the Houston Oilers became the Tennessee Oilers and then the Titanics, so if you go by franchise, Tennessee was about to win its 5th Doormat Bowl.

But it was not to be. With less than a minute on the clock, Tampa Bay fumbled yet another punt at it's own 5 yard line and a Tennessee player fell with it into the end zone. They missed the PA, but it was no help as Tampa Bay let the clock run out.

Final score, Tamap Bay 38, Tennessee 41.

And that's the 2014 Doormat Bowl. Now, after the game, this reporter decided to stay in Minneapolis a few days and enjoy the culture. More about that later....

KA-LUNK!! THE DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS 2015-16!!

NFC: COWS  (4-12)         AFC: TITANICS (3-13)

AND WE HAVE OUR CHAMPIONS!!!

In a wild final Sunday, which went down to the absolute last play for the Doormat Division, the Dallas Cowboys and the Tennessee Titanics win their conferences and will play in the Doormat Bowl, currently slated to be played in front of the Katerina Palace in St. Petersburg,  where game-time temperatures should be a balmy -40º.   The Palace is the modest blue house in this picture:

However, our corruption level is even higher than FIFA, so don't be so sure that's where this bomb of a game ends up.

Have you ever actually eaten crow?  Humble Pie?  I'm getting as close as possible, because I forgot the Titanics and Browns had, in fact, played each other in week 2, and said the Browns had the tie breaker in my hungover preview on New Year's Day.  WRONG!  The Titanics snagged the loss in that game, and had the edge going into the final Sunday- and just narrowly lost their game with the Colts, nailing down the AFC crown.  But I beg for some slack, as I was criss-crossing the American southwest in a rather wild chase with local officers in 5 or 6 states when I wrote that up.  Let's just say I was saved by a blizzard, and am now safely back in the Basement, and no armadillos were hurt in the fabricating of my alibi.

The Titanics win the Doormat AFC (and really the whole league because they have the worst record), and now have won it TWO YEARS IN A ROW, which almost never happens.  Yes, I know they 'lost' our Doormat Bowl last year, but in reality they held the tiebreaker of point differential over the Bucs.  The TITANS are two years in a row the worst team in the NFL and that has not been done since the Buccaneers did it in 1985-86.  Since 1965,  only three teams have won it two years in a row- Houston Oilers (which are the Titanics, btw), New England Patriots and the Titanics.  

The Cowboys have not taken dead last in the NFC since 1989, so, like, WOW man, "America's Team" hits rock bottom.  Gosh, somehow that feels better than ever. 

Let's check the final standings,  and get to the games, and some final accolades:  

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 15

(* asterik denotes at least 10 losses and membership in this years' 10 CLUB)

NFC

                    W-L          PF-PA              PD

*Cows         4-12          275-374         -99
*Whiners     5-11         238-387         -149
*Bucs          6-10          342-417         -75
*daBares     6-10              335-397         -62
*Giants       6-10          420-442         -22

Ain’ts          7-9            408-476        -68
Feebles        7-9            377-430         -53

Lambs         7-9            280-330        -50

Kittens         7-9           358-400         -42

AFC

                    W-L          PF-PA            PD
*Titanics      3-13          299-423       -124

*Browns      3-13           278- 432     -154

*Chargers    4-12           320-398      -78

*Cravens     5-11          328-401       -73

*Gaguars     5-11            376-448      -72

*Floppers    6-10               310-389       -79

Rrraiders     7-9            359-399       -40

THE GAMES:

BROWNS 12, STEELERS 28
In the kind of ending only they can do for their hometown fans, the Blank Helmets threw 14th string QB Austin Davis out there, and he hit the dirt seven times, threw two interceptions, lost a fumble ( two total for the team) and guided the Brown-outs to four chip-shot field goals, failing in the red zone all four times.  The sea of yellow Terrible Towels by Steeler fans in Cleveland's yard at the end of the game must have been a real nice touch.

Browns owner Jimmy (Mr. Blank) Haslem started firing people before he got out of his luxury box, after promising he wasn't going to 'blow things up' recently.  Coach Mike Pettine lost 18 of his last 21 games guiding the team, and the Doormat Division will miss his acumen.  The Browns did what they had to do, and hope the Titanics would not be able to hold on and lose to the Colts.

TITANICS 24, COLTS 30
The Titanics were in a real dogfight in this one. They kept the first downs to 14, got only 231 total yards, yet were within 3 points with 11:07 to go in the game.  An almost unbelievable Josh Freeman sighting occurred, and he was on the winning side for the Colts, even throwing a TD pass in the first quarter.  The parade of unheard of or nearly forgotten QBs was on full display in this one, and Titanics fill-in Alex Tanney even got in the game to replace Zach Mettenberg (14 rating for the game), and threw an expert pick six on the first possession of the third quarter.  Wow!  Still, the Titanics had to sweat it out the last 11:07,  even after the Clots nudged the pigskin over the crossbar for a field goal with 3:25 remaining.  Tanney did the right things, though, in those last two possessions for the Titanics, holding onto the ball too long and getting flattened on third down both times, digging nice giant holes that no Doormat ever digs out of.
Titans hold on and take the Moldy Carpet for the AFC (and, let's face it, the whole league).

COWS 23,  WASHINGTON 34
I'm not sure why our local TV had this game on, but I guess they know we're here, so we appreciated that the worst team in the NFC was on the airwaves when 4 or 5 far more meaningful games were being played. But they weren't the worst when the game started! Amazingly, the Cows could've won this game, if not for some stellar mistakes. They built up 512 yards against this phony of a division winner, but who cares about that when you can, in the first quarter, give up a TD on a 2-play drive, then throw an interception on the next possession at your own 33, and give up another TD, and then fumble two plays later at your 34 and, yes, throw in one more TD for the 'Skins to make it 21-0 before you've even digested your pre-game snack. The Cows may have one more victory than the Titanics, but my God this team is bad. Bring on the Doormat Bowl, baby.

FORTY-WHINERS 19,  LAMBS 16 (OT)
Way out on the west coast they played this ancient rivalry for the last time this season, and I'd like to say these teams were uninspired and mailing it in like a good basement dweller, but, in fact, they were trying to kill each other all game, with some extensive chippiness going down. Still, 49er coach Jim (Why Am I Here?) Tomsula insured his firing by punting with 1:37 left in the game, with the game tied, at the Ram 37-yard line, which is exactly in kicker Phil Dawson's range.  Hey, let's extend the season and not take a chance! The booing from the stands was almost baleful- PLEASE GO FOR IT WE WANT TO GO HOME.  Plus imagine the tension in the Dallas locker room as they watched this thriller play out with their shot at glory hanging in the balance!! cough.

However, try as Tomsula might to lose this one and take home the Moldy Carpet for the NFC, he couldn't overcome his own team's determination to not be worse than the Cowboys which still matters in 49er land.  The game went to overtime, and the Lambs proved they'd just as soon get the game over with, exchanging punts with the Whiners, and, finally, giving up a couple whoppers on the final drive, putting the Niners inside the Lambie 10-yard line, and Dawson got to come in and chip-shot one between the uprights for the improbable victory, and the loss of the NFC Championship.  Tomsula, who I'm pretty sure got fired before he even got to the locker room, and had to strip and hand in his gold underwear, couldn't even get losing right.  I've really never seen a guy thrown into a head coaching position like he was and never, not through the whole year, look like he was ever comfortable with the Big Headset.  He got used, and I honestly feel some empathy for the guy, because he's a good defense coach, and I hope he gets to keep a job in the NFL somewhere.  Jed York should be ashamed of himself.  But, the Yorks have been working on getting the Niners to the bottom with some real determination- they didn't make it, but let's see if they can blow it up even bigger next year.

THE TEN CLUB

The illustrious ten club list for this year.  Teams with at least 10 losses get to stay in the Basement all winter, use the Barcalounger, the cooler, the patio and grill (even when there is 2 feet of snow), and the orange-duct tape couch. They have to feed the pet possum over there by the dryer, and survive on pizza and beer that can't hold Pabst's jockstrap.  Notably missing from the list this year are Oakland and Washington. 

These teams are the true Doormats:

Jacksonville (5-11) 5 years in a row

Tampa Bay (6-10) 3 years in a row

Tennessee (3-13) 2 years in a row

Chicago (6-10) 2 years in a row

New York Giants (6-10)  2 years in a row

Cleveland (3-13)

Dallas (4-12)

San Diego (4-12)

Baltimore (5-11)

San Francisco (5-11)

Miami (6-10)

1. LONGEST PLAYOFF DROUGHT

1. BUFFALO BILLS  - 17  seasons  

2. OAKLAND RAIDERS-  14

3. CLEVELAND BROWNS- 13

4.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12

5.  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS- 9

6. TAMPA BAY BUCS- 9

7. TENNESSEE TITANS- 8

8.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 7

10.  NEW YORK JETS- 6  (and they did it with style this year)

17 seasons is a really long time.  However 23 seasons without a playoff victory is even more painful.

2. LONGEST PLAYOFF VICTORY DROUGHT

1.  CINCINNATI BENGALS-  25 including this year's incredible flame-out

2.  DETROIT LIONS -  24 (plus, only one victory in 58 years. 1957 they were Champs).

3.  BUFFALO BILLS- 20

4.  CLEVELAND BROWNS- 18

5.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 15

6.  OAKLAND RAIDERS- 14

7.  TAMPA BAY BUCS-  14  (the 'Revenge of Chucky' has worked both ways)

8.  TENNESSEE TITANS- 13

9.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12 

aaaAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!

This Time It's Personal: NFL Doormat Drama in Week 17

As Wacko pointed out in the previous post, the Brownies, despite their perennial basement performances, have never won the Moldy Carpet, and the last time they had a clear shot--2004--at it they were unable to get a final loss in the final week of the season, and so the NFC bottom went to the Whiners. Now flash forward to 2015 and here we are again with the final week of the season and probably the only thing that stands between the Brownies and the Doormat Bowl and Moldy Carpet glory are, you guessed it, the Whiners. Yes, the Doormat Bowl most likely will be between these two storied losers.

So this week--despite there being at least 10 games with legitimate doormat flavor--the Oracle will only predict the doormat games that actually count.

AFC

Pittsburgh: 36
Cleveland: 13

Tennessee: 17
Indianapolis: 16

San Diego: 28
Denver: 30

Yes, the Oracle is picking the Dolts again. So far this year, the Oracle has got every Dolts game wrong, so look for the Titanics to lose. If they do, and Brownies lose to PittBowlBurg they are tied at 3-13 and Cleveland beat Tennesee back in Sept. so the AFC will go to Mariotta and the Titanics. Let's pray Tennessee wins in Indy!

NFC

Dallas: 12
Washington: 24

San Francisco: 7
St. Louis: 10

It's possible Dallas could tie with SF if the Whiners find a way to beat the Lambs, and they did not play head to head, so it goes to points differential and that will still give the NFC basement crown to the Whiners.

So this Oracle is predicting a fantastic Doormat Bowl between Cleveland and San Francisco with the heavy favorite being the Whiners.

Enjoy Week 17 doormat denizens!

Browns Have Never Won the Moldy Carpet? Really?

As bad as you may think the Cleveland Browns are, and they're an experienced cellar-dwellar, no doubt about it, they have NEVER (never-ever) finished dead last in the NFL and taken home the coveted Doormat Division Moldy Carpet Trophy, pictured here:

Their only scrape with immortality occurred in 2004, when they won the AFC, going 4-12, edging out the Miami Dolphins (4-12). In the next to last week of the season, the Blank Helmets pulled out the last second loss to the Floppers as Flop kicker Olindo Mare flipped a 51-yard fump over the crossbar with :07 left on the clock.  Unfortunately, the Brownies had no chance for the Moldy glory, as the Forty-Niners went 2-12 (during the spectacular pants-dropping Mike Singletary era).  

It's not like they haven't been trying- the Browns have been parked in the AFC Central basement for 10 out of the last 13 years, sprinkling in 2 winning seasons (2002 and 2007). They have not won the  AFC Central since 1989. The '85 through '89 seasons demand special mention, as these are the last powerhouse years the Browns had, with Bernie Kosar flinging the pigskin up and down the field, taking them to Division titles 4 times in 5 seasons, and capping off three of those winning campaigns with painful losses to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game. So, even when they were winning, they lost the semi-big one, and couldn't even get to the Stupor Bowl.  Ask any Vikings or Bills fan about getting close but no Cigarello. But stand back when you do.

This is their big shot, coming up right now.  The Browns must lose this weekend, finish 3-13, and finish with a worse record than, you guessed it, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners, who stand at 4-11 this morning. Don't forget the Whines lost, and lost big, to the Browns just three weeks ago, so they hold the tie-breaker. They also have to shrug off the Titanics, but the Brown-outs have the tie breaker with a vastly bigger point differential (the Browns and Titans have not played each other).  The Titanics are playing the Colts, and just might win that game, though the last-string QB parade is on full display up there in Indy- for both teams, so that one is up for grabs.

I'm pretty sure the Whiners will get buried by the Rams (and get themselves all positioned to draft 5th and get Cal QB Jared Goff in the spring), finishing off a brilliantly crafted drive to the bottom of the NFC by owner Jed York.  

But back to the Browns, who are taking no chances on the final let-down, putting QB Johnny Foosball on injured reserve with a bell-ringer of a concussion (can you drink when you have a 

head-ding?), and throwing the only QB they've got, Austin Davis, out there to get his own injuries against a highly motivated Steeler team that is desperately trying to get into the playoffs.  Playoffs?  PLAYOFFS?  

Don't talk to the Browns about playoffs. They're going to win this Moldy Carpet, hang it on the wall, and let the incense waft through the front office all off-season, and then, in the spring, when they've sniffed every last glorious spore out of that dried-out square of pride, they're going to step up to the podium at the NFL Draft, pick second, and....what do you think, Browns fans? Can they do it and cling to Johnny Manziel and eschew the obvious obvious pick in Jared Goff and, instead, go for a long snapper?  Where's that poster of Kevin Costner?

aaaaaAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!