Browns Have Never Won the Moldy Carpet? Really?

As bad as you may think the Cleveland Browns are, and they're an experienced cellar-dwellar, no doubt about it, they have NEVER (never-ever) finished dead last in the NFL and taken home the coveted Doormat Division Moldy Carpet Trophy, pictured here:

Their only scrape with immortality occurred in 2004, when they won the AFC, going 4-12, edging out the Miami Dolphins (4-12). In the next to last week of the season, the Blank Helmets pulled out the last second loss to the Floppers as Flop kicker Olindo Mare flipped a 51-yard fump over the crossbar with :07 left on the clock.  Unfortunately, the Brownies had no chance for the Moldy glory, as the Forty-Niners went 2-12 (during the spectacular pants-dropping Mike Singletary era).  

It's not like they haven't been trying- the Browns have been parked in the AFC Central basement for 10 out of the last 13 years, sprinkling in 2 winning seasons (2002 and 2007). They have not won the  AFC Central since 1989. The '85 through '89 seasons demand special mention, as these are the last powerhouse years the Browns had, with Bernie Kosar flinging the pigskin up and down the field, taking them to Division titles 4 times in 5 seasons, and capping off three of those winning campaigns with painful losses to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game. So, even when they were winning, they lost the semi-big one, and couldn't even get to the Stupor Bowl.  Ask any Vikings or Bills fan about getting close but no Cigarello. But stand back when you do.

This is their big shot, coming up right now.  The Browns must lose this weekend, finish 3-13, and finish with a worse record than, you guessed it, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners, who stand at 4-11 this morning. Don't forget the Whines lost, and lost big, to the Browns just three weeks ago, so they hold the tie-breaker. They also have to shrug off the Titanics, but the Brown-outs have the tie breaker with a vastly bigger point differential (the Browns and Titans have not played each other).  The Titanics are playing the Colts, and just might win that game, though the last-string QB parade is on full display up there in Indy- for both teams, so that one is up for grabs.

I'm pretty sure the Whiners will get buried by the Rams (and get themselves all positioned to draft 5th and get Cal QB Jared Goff in the spring), finishing off a brilliantly crafted drive to the bottom of the NFC by owner Jed York.  

But back to the Browns, who are taking no chances on the final let-down, putting QB Johnny Foosball on injured reserve with a bell-ringer of a concussion (can you drink when you have a 

head-ding?), and throwing the only QB they've got, Austin Davis, out there to get his own injuries against a highly motivated Steeler team that is desperately trying to get into the playoffs.  Playoffs?  PLAYOFFS?  

Don't talk to the Browns about playoffs. They're going to win this Moldy Carpet, hang it on the wall, and let the incense waft through the front office all off-season, and then, in the spring, when they've sniffed every last glorious spore out of that dried-out square of pride, they're going to step up to the podium at the NFL Draft, pick second, and....what do you think, Browns fans? Can they do it and cling to Johnny Manziel and eschew the obvious obvious pick in Jared Goff and, instead, go for a long snapper?  Where's that poster of Kevin Costner?

aaaaaAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

Doormat Division: WEEK 13 Report- Get to 10 Losses and Feel Better

Today in the Doormat Division:  The Ten Club;  The Toronto Ploy works to perfection;  Ryan Fitzpatrick still the INT king; The Toxic Cloud on tour; Jaguars falling farther out of first; NFL Worst stats for Week 13.

The Ten Club-  the true measure of a team that is more than

 mediocre, a team that has a franchise-wide dedication to losing, whether they know it or not.   It's been wild, but, finally, we have a team to arrive at 10 losses in 2013.

Not the Gags, not the Falcons, not Tampa Bay...

It's those Kings of Fade, the High Priests of Horrible, now disappearing into the Toxic Cloud...

THE HOUSTON TEXANS

TOXINS 31,  PATRIOTS  34

Hard to believe, but our first arrival in the illustrious 10 Club won the first two games of the season....and then closed up shop.  Losing more second half leads than the Oakland Faders, the Toxins actually fought back in this one, not wanting to look toooo obvious.   But, when the final gun sounded, the result was the same.  10 straight losses and the inside track to the Moldy Carpet.  They came from outta nowhere, and they're going straight to oblivion.  Join the Cloud.  Ride the Cloud.  Sniff the Cloud.

Next loss:  Jacksonville 

BROWNIES 28,  JAGUARS 32

The Jags.  I don't recognize this team.  They've lost it. The Brownies, now, this I get.  2 losses to go before they hit the 10 Club for the sixth year in a row.  The Jags, winners of 3 of their last 4, are still only 1 game out of first, but it looks very dicey.  The Toxic Cloud comes visiting next week, blinding all opposition and sticking them with a win. The Gags need to get wildly overconfident to biff the game and get into the 10 Club.   It's their only hope.

The Brownies were practically giving away tickets yesterday, but the Dawg Pound had no effect on this team's tendency to take a lead, and then let the other team rack up a TD on the next possession. Yep, it was another Brownie Bake Sale at First (quarter) Energy Stadium yesterday. The Brownies just keep on giving back.  You didn't know it was a charitable organization, did you?


BILLS 31,  FALCONS 34 (OT)
The Nils politely left the country for this one, warming the dome in Toronto up to Altanta temperatures and selling all the seats to Falcons fans.  It was the perfect move for a team nailing down their 14th straight year out of the playoffs (best current streak in NFL), and 9th straight year with a losing record.  One more year and they'll be in some elite company.  

For the 15 Bills fans that came for the historic event (Bills now 1-5 in Toronto, very impressive), they were treated to two fumbles on their last two possessions, killing off the potential winning FG in regulation, and then setting up the winner for the Falcons, who did everything in their power to blow this game, but when you get to the last 5 games of the season, forget losing to the Bills.  Just watch and learn.  Where were all the Bills fans?  What, and leave behind all these leftovers?  The turkey stuffing nachos were interesting.  The Bronx Cheer that went up over Lake Erie after the fumble in OT smelled awfully realistic.

VIKINGS 23,  BEARS 20

The revolving QB this week was Matt Cassel, and Leslie Frazier gets it wrong, and the Vikes have to absorb a victory in overtime, even after blowing a FG with a penalty, and then missing a 57-yarder.  The Bears countered with their own shanked FG, and the Vikes finally crumbled and took the win.  The Vikes fall to 4th in the Doormat NFC, 3-8-1 and having to regroup for the last 4 weeks and their fading shot at the NFC Doormat crown.  And tie and now a win- what next??  

JETS 3, DOLPHINS 23

Jets QB Geno Smith, working on an incredible 8.3 QB rating for the game, gets yanked for rookie Mike Simms in the second half, more than quadrupling the QB rating up to a gaudy 38.9.  Luckily, the Jets (5-7) still turn in the lowest point total for the weekend, and nearly rival the Packers for most inoperative offense. The Dolphins (6-6) are now the leaders of the AFC Parity Division.  Still, as bad as the Jets are now, they still only qualify as mediocre overall.  4 weeks to go, 3 losses to snag to get to the magic 10.  Can they do it?  If they want to get Rex Ryan fired, they better do it.  

BUCCANEERS 6,  PANTHERS 27

It's nice to know the Bucs haven't lost touch with reality, and with the amenities of the Basement.  This one was easy to pull off, of course, as the Panthers are in that other division that leads to a Super Bowl.  The Bucs vault back into first place in the Doormat NFC, thanks to the Falcons failure to blow it in Buffalo.

TITANS 14, COLTS 22
Okay, so maybe they're only 5-7, but Ryan Fitzpatrick was on fire yesterday.  I honestly have never seen a QB who can be so on the money on one pass and then so completely wildly off-target in the next.  On some of his interceptions, it looks like he throws it directly to the other team.  He even pointed on one of them and, sure enough, connected with a Colt DB, who was right where Fitz-fizzle said he'd be.   Three hilariously (or perhaps, expertly) accurate interceptions and a fumble and BOOM.  Take the loss and get on the bus.

RED-FACEDS 17, GIANTS 24
The Shanaplan!  The Flappaflan!  Seven punts, 5 sacks, 8 penalties, and another game "they shoulda won."  But they didn't.  The Deadskins make it to 3-9, just one from the 10 Club and then they get to spend the whole winter in the BASEMENT.  We'll put the "101 Tasteless Indian Jokes" paperback on the coffee table.

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 13 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           3-9          217-285

Atlanta                3-9          261-340
Washington          3-9          269-362

Minnesota            3-8-1       289-366

NY Giants             5-7          237-297

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-10        230-278
Jacksonville         3-9         174-352

Cleveland             4-8         231-297

Buffalo                 4-8         267-307

Raiders                 4-8         237-300

NFL WORST STATS FOR WEEK 13

OFFENSE

WORST OFFENSE OVERALL:  Green Bay Packers

Points:   3    Jets

First Downs:   7    Packers

Total Yards:   126  Packers

Rushing:   24  Packers

Passing:    78 Giants

QB Rating:   8.3  Geno Smith,  JETS   (three weeks in a row!)

INT:  3  Ryan Fitzpatrick, Titans

Turnovers:  4  Titans,  Lions

Fumbles-  4-2,  Bills;  2-2  Chargers; 3-1 Browns

Sacked: 6-39  Falcons

Punts:  8   Eagles

Red Zone Failure:  0-3 Dolphins (Jets 0-2 in same game);  1-5 Vikings

3rd Down Conversions:  1-10 Bucs; 2-10 Packers; 2-12 Jets

Time of Possession:  19:34

Misc: 

Penalties:   11-105 Rams;  9-102 Chiefs;  

DEFENSE

WORST OVERALL DEFENSE:  Packers.  Dreadful with a capital "D"

Points allowed: 40  Packers

First downs: 30 Packers

Net Yards allowed:  561 Packers

Rushing yards allowed:  241  Packers
Passing yards allowed:  408  Chiefs
Red Zone Conversions allowed:  3-3  Texans and Pats same game;  4-5  Raiders
3rd Down Conversions allowed:  9-12 Packers, 8-14, KC; 7-13 Oak and Cowboys same game.


aaaAAAaAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

Doormat Division Week 1 Wrap Up and Drive Into the Turf

AND THEY’RE OFF!!!

It was one of the most amazing Week 1 blast-offs (and crash-landings) ever yesterday for the Doormat Division and the whole NFL.  31 total interceptions, which eclipsed any weekend last year, and there are still 2 games to go!  And with Carson Palmer and Philip  Rivers flinging into the night tonight, who knows where it will all end?

Leading the way in the early going was last year’s interception king Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Buffalo Nils, who threw three in the first half, and cashed in one for a touchdown.  Obviously, though, QBs looked at the stats over the summer and the competition is going to be incredible:  Michael Vick and Brandon Weedon (Brownies) threw 4 each,  and Matt Stafford got 3 in before Lion’s fans had found their seats.  The Dolts and Floppers each chipped in 3 as well, so OBVIOUSLY it’s going to take something special to be the interception king this year.  

Toss in the replacement officials, and this is shaping up to be a storybook year for the Doormat.

Let’s get to the games!

Denver Broncos 31, Pittsburgh Steelers 19

Why is this game even here?  Because this may be the year that ol’ Big Ben can’t quite get of his own way.  5 Sacks in game 1 after last year’s humbling playoff defeat to…the Denver Broncos.  2 in a row to the same team.   Yes, Peyton Manning is there, without the bug wings and tapenade,  but still.  Not a good sign.

Keep an eye on these guys- how low can they go?  What’s a good Doormat name for the Steelers?  The Stöllen?  The Aluminum Foil?  The Tinsmiths?

Detroit Lions 27  St. Louis Rams 23

It was like old times at the Kat Box yesterday, and the Kittens nearly brought home the misery, you could SMELL it, but they were up against the champs, so not even 3 INTs and a lotta replacement official bumbling could bring them the loss.  The Lambs are just too much- and their expert final defensive ‘stand’ yielded the crucial go-head TD for Detroit, with a mere :10 seconds left on the clock, and no chance for the Lions to blow it.   Amazing.   What do ya gotta do against these guys??

Are these guys laughing?

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Tampa and Carolina brought home a real stiff yesterday,  with a parade of field goals and some seriously boring football, but we have to go with:

Eagles 17, Browns 16

Glad to see the Brownies take the honors this week, as both teams combine for a lofty EIGHT interceptions and FIVE fumbles!!   That’s a SLUF-GEST, folks, where nobody wants the damn ball.   Brownies check in with only 12 first downs and 210 total yards, and no offensive TD. Despite the 4 interceptions, they still get off 7 punts.  Folks, that's Hall of Fame kind of performance. The Eagles may have been bad, but the Brownies are professionals. So, even the late interception return for a Brownies TD, and the lead, was not going to do it.   Brownies guide the Eagles into end zone with 1:18 remaining, and the home crowd prepares itself for another season of Blank Helmet Football.   Cream of the Doormat.

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

This is a tough call, because a log-jam of 20-point losses crowd the landscape. 

Houston Texans 30,  Miami Dolphins 10

The Floppers take it, because they had lowest point total (even though the Titans lost by 21).   Miami started some guy named Tannehill at QB and he cashed in 3 INTs.  Bing!  Fumbled 3 times.  Bing!   And did not score an offensive TD.  BONG!

Floppers dive to the bottom of the AFC East just like that.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Cardinals 20,  Seahawks 16

Another game nobody wanted, right down to the final mangled attempt at a red-zone score with seconds remaining for the Seahags.  Even the extra time-out from the replacement officials could not sway the Seahag strategy.  This is Coach Carrol we’re talking about here.   The Crudinals, a team with so much Doormat promise, cannot withstand losing their starting quarterback and a motivated back-up.  Game-Set-Match to the guys from Grayville.   That NFC West is going to be tough.  49ers will have a 17 game lead at the end of the season.

Minnesota 26,  Jacksonville 23  (OT)

Somebody  had to win.

Falcons 40,  Chiefs  24

This game was tied 17-17 at one point.  That must seem like a long time ago to the Cheaps.  

Bears 41,  Colts 21

OK, I watched this one.   Andrew Luck is going to be good.  He’s also going to get hammered and have about .10 seconds to throw on most downs.   Let’s see how he’s doing in 7 weeks, after getting intimate with every rug in the NFL he plays on.  Think Jim Plunkett and the Boston Patriots.  The Dolts still have what I have to describe as a hilarious defense.  The DBs have some sort of ‘fire drill’ pattern that borders on slapstick.   This takes practice, and the Dolts still have the losing touch.   Luck or no Luck, these guys can LOSE.

Bucs 16, Panthers  10

The Bootineers Losing Culture Club must be in shock here.  Against all expectations, and with so much preparation, the Boots win the game,  and I get to say Pansies again!  Woo-Hoo!

Bucs snap the 10-game losing skid.   Now they just have to start another.

Jets 48,  Bills 28

Wow.  QB Ryan Fitzpatrick picks up where he left off last year and the Nils look like the same team that ended up 6-10 last year.   Of course, next week the Jets could lose by 30.

Extra note:  keep an eye on the New Orleans Saints.  They still have a wild offense, but they just may have a disaster brewing on defense.  RGB III is obviously going to be great, and the Shanaplan is coming to fruition, but some of those 40 points from the Deadskins falls squarely on the Aint’s defense.

NFL 2012 WEEK 1  Amazing Lows

Points:                     10            Dolphins,  Panthers

First Downs            12            Browns

Yards:                      210            Browns

Rush:                       23            Titans

Pass:                        111            Browns

Sacked                     5            Steelers

INT                          4            Eagles, Browns

Punts                        7            Browns  (how do you punt 7 times when you throw 4 INTs??)

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!

Doormat Cheerleaders

Do cheerleaders and Doormat teams correlate? Well, maybe. The Brownies don't have any! I guess they are just that bad that not one person was willing to don the Chomps brown bikini and pom-pom for Cleveland.

But Detroit has another take. No official team cheerleaders, but there is a club, "Detroit Pride." (Get it, pride of Lions?).

Here is a sample of the Detroit Pride:

I guess that works since the Lions don't play outdoors. Nice chassis from the Motor City. Is she imported from Detroit too?

And the Lambies?

Here is a sample:

Well, I think the Oracle from the Basement has to give the Pride the edge right now.

And the Dolts?

Here is a sample:

Nice, wholesome lady from Indiana.

The Oracle still gives the edge to Detroit. But, hey, the Oracle is biased.

A full report of Doormats and Cheerleaders will follow the exciting Doormat Bowl between Indianapolis and St. Louis on Feb. 6.