DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK ONE WRAP-UP: BROWN-OUT

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!!!!!!

Browns attempt to win their first Doormat Division Title EVER.  This is the year. 

THE STANDINGS  WEEK ONE

NFC

HALF THE LEAGUE   0-1

AFC

HALF THE LEAGUE  0-1

I'm NOT listing 16 teams that all lost.  And, besides, the Lambs, Whiners and the Deadskins all gotta play tonight.  MNF has their West Coast game as a Doormat Special.  We've come so far.  The perfect game for those back east who plan to spend the night in the Barcalounger.  

Here we go, Doormat Denizens.  Our glorious teams, flaming out in ways we can easily imagine, but who still manage to make our jaws drop in awe, are back in action.  And maybe, just maybe, one of them will crawl out of the Basement and clock one of those snot-nosed winners at least ONCE this year.  

THE GAMES

BROWNIES 10,  FEEBLES 29

Carson Wentz is a god!  He's the second coming!  The Eagles will win their first championship since 1960!  Will everybody please calm down?  Eagles QB Carson Wentz played the BROWNS yesterday.

And they, the BROWNS,  took care of business, and stand at 0-1.  15 to go.  Stay focused, team.  Lock in.  

Yes, Wentz is that #2 pick the Browns traded away for...well, for ensuring they lost this game.  They have this planned out so many moves ahead of the rest of the pack, don't even try. Good luck to the rest of the Doormat AFC.

CHAGRINS 27, CHIEFS 33 (OT)

The Comeback Loss of the Week goes to San Diego, building a 24-3 bubble that burst like 40 sticks of bubble gum all over a Philip Rivers Chargers jersey.  As our Commissioner DT said last week,  "the Chargers are the only team that could be up 24-7 at the half and lose 28-27 consistently."  And that's why he's the Commish.   Chagrins look like it's shoulder shruggin' Philip Rivers and bunch of guys again.  Kablooey!  Chagrins maintain 11 game loss streak to AFC West opponents.

TITANS 16, VIKINGS 25

The Titans defense of their Moldy Carpet 2016 crown began with dramatic flair.  Inching out to a 10-0 lead against the Vikings and 78-year-old QB Shaun Hill, the Titans slam it into reverse in the second half with a pick-six and a fumble return for the Vikes, both courtesy of the running-for-his-life Marcus Mariota.  Look out, Browns, the Titans are as bad as ever.

NILS 7, RAVENS 13

 Stiff of the Week.  It seems like Miami and Buffalo are always duking it out for who has the least first downs, and the Nils tied them again, with a very respectable Doormat number of 11.   7 punts, 3-13 on 3rd down, 8 penalties for 89 yards, 160 total yards, but no turnovers, so they have some work to do.  Still, the Cravens nearly got their first loss, anyway.  Nils look solid.  Frozen, even.

daBARES 14, TEXANS 23

This was definitely a critical first game for both of these teams, a crucial opportunity to define just WHO isn't some pretender for Doormat membership.  Coming off their phenomenal playoff loss back in January, the Toxins looked like the early choice, but Jay Cutler and the Bears offense shut off the taps in the 2nd half, and let the defense take it from there- resulting in a couple field goals and a TD for the Texans and that's all they needed.  Bears could go far.

BOOTINEERS 31, FALCONS 24

Another game with huge implications, and the Falcons take round 1.  Lots of offense, no defense, and a wild game from slingin' Doormat teams.  For now.

FLOPPERS 10, SEAHAGS 12

What a ghastly game this was, and the entire west coast had to watch it...if for some reason you were paralyzed from drinking too many kava-kava smoothies and couldn't even crawl to the fridge.  Only the hardiest of Doormat fans stuck it out through this one.  And misguided Washingtonians. Washatonions...WaWa ton-onions....Walla Walla Onions....forget it.

UPSETS OF THE WEEK!

LIONS 39, COLTS 35

Another wild Parity League shootout from two teams that have absolutely no chance to do anything except provide a crazy plate of diversion every Sunday until January.  Can either of these guys get to 10 losses?  Of course!  898 yards of total offense.  NO DEFENSE.  None.  Bombs Away!!

RRRAIDERS 35, SAINTS 34

No self-respecting Doormat team scores in the last minute and then GOES for the two point conversion for the win, and CONVERTS.  This was old-fashioned Raider gambling, and Kenny Stabler and Al Davis, up in Raider heaven, were lovin' it.  

TONIGHT'S MARQUEE GAME:

LAMBS AT WHINERS

Are the 49ers really really as bad as everybody hopes?  Will someone step up and punch out a 90-year old granny holding a fuzzy kitten? Can Rams coach Jeff Fisher lose 10 more games and become the losingest NFL coach of all time? Tune in tonight for the kickoff at the RED HOLE in Santa Clara!  It's all about just how porous these defenses really are, and if 49er QB Blaine  "Dirt Ball" Gabbert can function after being pressured, or heavens, knocked down.  It'll be hard to tell, because they are playing each other, so could be wild.  These two finished off last season with a brutal game in a seemingly meaningless contest, so watch out for some whalin' and flailin'.   

NFL WEEK ONE WORST STATS

We are going to wait until AFTER tonight's GAMES, so just hold your horses.

aaaaAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!