WEEK THREE WRAP UP AND LOOK AHEAD

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 3

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 3         54  -  84

JAGUARS        0 - 3         54  -  84

TITANICS        1 - 2         42  -  57

BUNGLES        1 - 2         56  -  75

DOLPHINS      1 - 2         64  -  67

NFC              W - L   PF - PA

BEARS              0 - 3       45  -  83

SAINTS             0 - 3       47  -  51

BUCS                 1 - 2      70  -  101

DEADSKINS    1 - 2       68  -  92

49ers                  1 - 2       73  -  83

Week Three has shaken up the Doormat Standings considerably, and with the crucial Week Four battles coming up, some teams had better start losing or give up all hope at the Moldy Carpet.  

There is one team out there that has started well, but it's all a house of cards, and they're going to tank and lose 10 of their last 11.  The question is..WHO?

Coming in solid in the Basement are the Browns, Jags (they're back!), Bears and Saints.  If these four teams can lose again this week, going to 0-4, there will be a lot of exhaling in those locker rooms, and they can relax for the rest of the season, pull down a paycheck, try not to get hurt, and keep your helmet down...especially when a ball is coming your way.  For everybody else, it's kind of a must-lose situation.  2-2 is not an acceptable record if you are going to have even a shred of hope to be the worst team in the league 12 games later.  But it HAS been done. Wasn't that the Bucs that ripped off 10 straight losses 2 years ago after starting 2-0?

BROWNS  0-3

A week after their stellar come-from-ahead loss (blown 20 point lead to the Cravens), the Brownies pulled off the Futile Comeback, providing a stirring moment in Miami, only to fade in overtime (hey it was hot and they ran out of Gatorade) and lose to the Floppers 30-24.  The Flops, though promising, have to deal with the Nils and Jets in their own division. Good luck there. If the Blank Helmets can collapse effectively against the Deadskins in D.C. this week (a tough tough TOUGH game yet again), they'll be on their way to possibly the greatest Browns doormat season ever.  Deadskins and Browns both have extremely generous defenses (both giving up over 400 yds a game), so look for another wild one with little regard for actually winning.  My gut tells me the Browns are going to win this one, but they need to lose.  They can coast the next week against the Patriots, and then it's the Titanics and turnover machine Marcus Mariota with the biggest threat to their Moldy Carpet aspirations.  

GAGUARS 0-3

This is as close as we get to a shocker so far this year.  The Gags are supposed to have risen to mediocre and be solidly in the Parity Division, but now, having rocketed out to an 0-3 start, we have to take these guys seriously.  QB Blake Bortles is turning the ball over at an Doormat All-Star pace (3 INTs on Sunday) and the Jags combined this with zero running game in losing to the Cravens 19-17.  The Cravens are definitely one of the worst 3-0 teams I've ever seen, and have been scraping past Doormat teams for the first three weeks (Bills, Browns, Jags).  Still, the Poe-Ravens have a defense, and no matter how much they screw up on offense, they...they could totally be the team that loses the next 8.

The BIG DOORMAT GAME IN LONDON is this week, with our guys, the GAGUARS, facing off against Doormat upstart Indianapolis. Jags should completely tank this one, but...Colts defense could make Bortles look good. Grab a flight now, and start drinking as soon as you get off the plane.  

S'AINTS 0-3

Hard to get on the losing bandwagon with any team that has Drew Brees slinging.  Still, they have the #31 defense in the league, so here's yet another team that is going to score and give up an avalanche of points.  Up next: San Diego on the shores of the Pacific.  Saints score 40 and win.

BEARS  0-3

Now HERE'S a team that cannot score, no matter how much you threaten them.  Averaging barely 15 points a game, they're handing over 27.7.  Brian Hoyer is their QB, for God's sake.  And he's the good news.   This week, the Lions show up in Chi-town, and they have no problem scoring, but they just can't stop anybody (this year's theme).  daBares can stop themselves, thank you.  Bears go 0-4 and the Lions have to suck it up and accept the 2-2 Parity record. 

Other Hopefuls:

TITANICS 1-2

As noted above, Marcus Mariota has become an expert marksman while shooting at his own foot.  2 INTs and a fumble by the big guy vs. the Raiders on Sunday, and he's doing it every week.  8 penalties for 70 yards doesn't look like much (especially early in the season where some teams can crack the 140-yd barrier), but they are doing them on 2nd and 3rd down and just digging holes. Up next are the Houston Toxins (no J.J. Watt), who have no idea how to score.  Mariota plugs the leak, doesn't have Watt clocking him, and the Titanics soundly beat the Toxins in Houston.  Parity here we come.

FORTY-WHINERS 1-2

Boy did they look sharp in Week 1 didn't they?  Didn't they?  Say, they really looked sharp in Week 1.

Since then, holy mother of god these guys mean business.  They gave up only 418 yards while losing to the Seahags (6 in a row! What a rivalry!), which is a 100 yard improvement from last week.  Still, the Whines, with QB Plain Gabbert just being himself, had a mesmerizing 5 first downs when garbage time started in the 4th and ruined everything. Colin Kaepernick still not getting off the bench or his knee. Watch him go on the IR with a swollen knee. I support his cause 100%, but this is the 49ers we're talking about, and don't be surprised if it really happens.  Up next: DALLAS.  This should be just a godawful game.  Doormat Gold.   Niners...are in danger of winning this one, and boy they sure don't deserve that fate.  

BILLS, MIAMI, JETS 1-2

Let's be realistic.  These three teams could all go 2-14 if they weren't in the same division with each other.  The Bills fired the offensive coordinator already, which resulted in a preposterous 33 points, and something bordering on hope up on Lake Erie. But, somebody has to win- and lose- all those divisional games, so none of these teams are going to end up with only 2 victories.  The Jets piled up EIGHT turnovers on Sunday, with Ryan "Watch This!" Fitzpatrick throwing 6 INTs (4 of them in the end zone while trying to score!). My money's still on Buffalo, but, really, pick 'em.

CHARGERS 1-2

These guys still have promise.  They could keep the losing streak alive to their division rivals (it's over 10 games), and just tank tank tank.  Up next:  New Orleans.  Chagrins lose again!

BUCCANEERS 1-2

If you can lose to the Rams, you can lose to anybody.  Up next: DENVER.  Bucs won't score a touchdown.  Jameis Winston returns to the 4 turnover showcase.  

CAROLINA 1-2

Hey, they're 1-2.  I get to list them.  They got their lunch handed to them by the Vikings.  Vikings aren't THAT good. Or maybe they are.  Don't get my Viking hopes up.  Just don't.

TEXANS 2-1

The slide could start this weekend.  Epic slide. I can feel the earth move...

aaaaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!