Sometimes people look like they have it together, but under even a little pressure, they "crater." Well, the Miami Dolphins, er, Floppers, or Doll Fins, already look like Crater Lake as far as this season goes. Nothing left to do but fill that crater with melted Velveeta with pizza peppers in it and get out the chips. To celebrate this fact, they busted out their new "Velveeta and Cheese Puffs" uniforms last night in a decisive 22-7 flop of a game against the Bungles, who also show signs of cratering this year.
"I really thought we would have a tough time losing this year," said quarterback Ryan Tannehill, who is the teams leading rusher with 178 yards in 4 games, "But these guys have really thrown down the gauntlet and dug a hole you can't see your way out of. I think we are on a run to the Moldy Carpet."
And who else is on the way? Let's spin the frozen turkey, pop a bottle of Jim Beam, and get to some predictions:
Dolphins- 7
Bengals- 22
(OK, the game is already over, but we KNEW that was going to happen. The only surprise of the night was the uniforms.)
Colts- 14
Jaguars- 13
(Yes, the Colts should win, but they are looking very doormaty right now, so who knows?)
Titans- 6
Texans- 7
Browns- 18
Redskins- 33
(Browns on the way to greatness this year.)
Bills- 10
Patriots- 48
Panthers- 21
Falcons- 24
(What, this is a doormat game?)
Lions- 28
Bears- 3
(Lions should finally find a way to win. Bears can't find the way to the end zone. Predictions right now, Doormat Bowl this year is Bears/Browns. Should make a nice pie on that field.)
Broncos- 9
Buccaneers- 0
Rams- 13
Cardinals-17
(But not so sure. Cards look really bad. Rams look really inconsistent.)
Saints- 36
Chargers- 24
Cowboys- 21
49ers- 12 (TOP, 13 minutes)
Conspicuously missing from Doormat competition:
Vikings
Raiders
Ravens
Gentlemen, make your predictions!
If only we could call one of the teams The Craters
ReplyDeleteThat would be nice!
DeleteThe Raiders would do, if they cratered.
DeleteRedkins will be a tough one for the Browns. If there's a game they could accidentally win this might be it.
ReplyDeleteBrowns make it through a squeaker and slide in safely at 0-4.
Deletesad to see the Yikings leave us- same for the RRRRRAidurz - It was a good run, 14 years to be exact.
ReplyDeleteRaiders defense can completely go up in flames, but the offense appears to be just too good to be anything but at least 8-8.
DeleteMy God the Colts suck!
ReplyDeleteThe Gags really tried to blow the game, but no dice. They're 1-3, and the Colts look like they could lose to almost anybody...except the Niners. And the Jets. And the Bears. My Bills look like they've turned it around slightly. I may have to bail. But the AFC East problem looms when I think of switching teams. Nils? Flops? Jets?
DeleteWhat you mean except the Bears? Bears win today. Kittens were too much for them!
DeleteHow about taking the Dolts? No O line at all and perforated D.
DeleteI know this is not Doormat stuff, but, Rrrrrrrrrrrraiders!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DeleteLions suck! Bears can't find a way to lose! Kittens on a roll, baby!
ReplyDeleteLions - how can we ever doubt them?j What is wrong with us? Should never forget about their franchise of futility.
DeleteHey, some teams are looking like they might wind up on the basement couch with a bag of chips and a 6-pack of PBR. Cards were suppose to go to the Super Bowl this year. Yeesh. They might finish 5-10 and this rate, maybe worse. I think we need to make a space for them on the deck. At least let them look in the sliding door. Colts are Dolts again. Bungles starting to not pass the sniff test.
ReplyDelete