WEEK SIX FUTILITY WALTZ

BROWNS 0-6!  NINERS REALLY TERRIBLE!  PANTHERS: FOR REAL?

Welcome to the Basement, where if you can't implode, you don't belong.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 5

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 6         113 - 176

DOLPHINS      2 - 4         118 - 134

JETS                  1 - 4        92 - 136

BENGALS        2 - 4        109 - 145

COLTS              2 - 4        160- 174

CHARGERS    2 - 4        173 - 155

NFC              W-L     PF - PA

BEARS              1 - 5       101 - 143

49ers                  1 - 5       129 - 185

PANTHERS      1 - 5       161 - 176

BUCS                 2 - 3       94 - 142

SAINTS             2 - 3       114 - 130

CARDS              2 - 3       135 - 101

QUICK OVERVIEW

I can't wax philosophical here...hell, I can't wax my car.  Waxing rust seems kind of..

I was looking through some old write-ups from yesteryear on my floppies for the Commodore 64, here (amber screen thank you), and I've never seen anything like it.  Doormat teams are racking up points and yardage like never before.  I would say it's making it hard to predict games, though the worst teams DO still keep coming through.

The Chicago Bears, truly a well-engineered train wreck carefully built by an inept front office, got 387 yards yesterday!  Cleveland, for god's sake, had a 300-yard passing game, and racked up 26 points!  This is not  your Father's Doormat Division, where the score was 9-6, teams had to struggle to get 10 first downs, and there would be at least 15 punts.  The most punts yesterday was the Browns and the Titans, supposedly two of our TOP Doormats, with 12.   

So...well, at least the fans are getting some entertainment while their teams grapple for the Moldy Carpet.  So be it. 

BROWNS 26,  TITANICS 28

It was 28-13, and seemingly a done deal, when the Blanks staged a furious Futile Comeback, scraping to within 2 points with :27 seconds on the clock.  Well, done, men!  The Indians, over there in MLB, need to win 6 more games to nab the World Series.  If they do that, it's up the Browns.  They've never won the Moldy Carpet, not even back to the very first years of Brownie-ness. 10 games to go.  It's dangerous, they way they keep flirting with disaster by scoring points and not turning the ball over.  But, they have no running game, and the defense is safely haphazard.

Titanics now 3-3 and off our leaderboard!  Wow!

Up next for the Brown-outs:  the Bengals.  Danger city.  After that- the JETS.  Triple quadruple quintuple danger zone.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

49ers  16,  BILLS 45

Colin Kaepernick started at QB for the cream of the NFC Doormat, and for 2 quarters, the Niners nearly kept up.  But when the wheels come off on this team, it's remarkable.  Coming out after what must have been a deflationary half-time pep talk to top all deflating half-time pep talks, the Whiners started the 3 and out ploy, no first downs, punts, fumbles, whatever it took to get off the field and hand the ball to the Bills.  Then the completely understaffed Whiner defense runs out of gas, and while somebody walks to the gas station with a dented gas can, the Bills rack up 28 points and over 300 yards of rushing offense.  WHAM!  The Bills may not be that good, but the Niners are really, really bad. They just have that unfortunate Week 1 blemish that they can't erase.  Hang in there.

BEARS 16, JAGUARS 17

Except there's the Bears (1-5), who can lose any close game they are in.  Dangerously close to winning a game despite getting only 1 touchdown, the Bears, up 13-0,  put together a final quarter that brings home the loss in any stadium, allowing 17 Gaguar points, and doing some nifty slippin' and slidin' on the last Jags TD, giving up the long touchdown run after the pass to ensure the loss. Extra kudos to the Soldier's Field groundskeepers who are doing everything they can to put their own defense at a disadvantage. Jags forced to take the win, and balloon up to 2-3.  

LIONS 31, RAMS 28

Weren't these teams supposed to be bad? Are they?  What a game!  The Lions win another, and both teams are 3-3 and Parity Division material all the way.

COLTS 23, TEXANS 26

They're tantalizingly close, they almost win...but they right themselves and bite the dust every week! Colts are 2-4 and staying within striking distance.  Another one of these demoralizing last second losses, and they just might go on a long slide...or vacation.

PANTHERS 38,  SAINTS 41

This just in:  The Pansies are 1-5.  Suuuuuuure they scored 38 points.  So what?  That's this year's Doormat recipe.  They may have racked up 32 first downs (holy moley!!) and scored 21 points in the 4th quarter yesterday, but they smartly balanced that with allowing 10 4th-quarter Saints points.  Wake up late and furiously try to look like you could win a game.  The new model.  As long as you still lose, I don't care how you do it.  Giving up 523 yards of offense really helps. The Panthers are amazing.  Admit it.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

DOLPHINS 30,  STEELERS 15

The Steelers were just not ready to play, Big Ben was hobbled, the Dolphins had a cup of coffee before the game.  The Dolphins played GREAT.  Balanced attack, solid D...who are those guys with the fish on their helmets??  Woo-Hoo, a  Doormat beat a division leader!!  

TONIGHT:  JETS (1-4) AT CARDINALS  (2-3)  Cards (-7 1/2) may not cover the spread, but they'll win the game.  3 ints from Fitz.

aaaAAAAAAnd That's The View From the Basement!!!!!