Niners Obliterate Cardinals in Spectacular Loss

SAN FRANCISCO 21, ARIZONA 33

In a classic Thursday Night Doormat battle between two 1-3 NFC Worst teams, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners out-terribled the Arizona Crudinals in a display of dysfunction that may be nearing perfection.  It was stunning.

Unfortunately, in the Basement, when teams achieve this perfection, they do insane things like change quarterbacks.  Hence, today's picture.

BUT, last night, the Niners started out with the black unis, hoping, perhaps, that no one would see or recognize them, and snagged the loss and now have a 1-4 record that looks like 2-14 to us. In between, it was first a hail of punts, hilariously overthrown- and I mean comic- balls right down the middle over the helpless wide open receiver who had nothing between themselves and paydirt, dink 3rd down passes that have no chance, then taunting penalties (after a measly first down), dropped wide open passes, 7 sacks, 3 turnovers, and just wow.  And I mean WOW, Doormat fans.  

The Crudinals, who are not so bad at this Doormat style themselves, sporting back-up QB Drew Stanton, held their own in the first quarter, punting with a vengeance (9 for the game), and even giving the Niners the first touchdown.  Sort of 'spotting' it, you might say.  But then, a quick interception from 49er QB Plain Gabbert, and a 1 play drive got the Cards their first TD.  

After that, it was just a matter of time. The Cards couldn't keep up with the team that never has gains over 20 yards (last in the league), runs an offense that looks strangely like some college ball scheme designed to take advantage of out-of-shape and not well coached kids (instead of teams of professionals), and has a crowd so sparse (Oakland A's sparse...Tampa Bay Devil Rays sparse) that the boo birds can't even get a wail up above the level of  "plaintive bleating."  Pour me another bowl of Cheese Balls, guys, it's ART.  It's soap opera, at least.

Now, when you really want to win the Moldy Carpet, it's all about how you come out in the second half- and what can you say to muffing the 2nd half kickoff, stopping the Cards at the 15 but then run into the kicker on the 4th down FG attempt, give the Cruds a first down, and then give up the touchdown on the next play?  Pack up the tuna sandwiches, honey, it's time to go home.  Oh, wait, that's an empty seat I'm talking to.  

It was all perfect. Now, the Whiners really don't have much in the way of options, so that's the plus in the Moldy Carpet drive. They have no stars, except one with a big afro on the bench, can't really execute the offense, and the defense, though clearly not buying into the Doormat philosophy completely, still gave up 33 points on a night when they were playing hard.

p.s.  We were baffled by the announcers giving Gabbert a vote of confidence (he's only lost everywhere he goes, and it's not the system, OK? Just WATCH) and a kind of school-marm admonishment to the critics, while also putting forward the usual baloney about why Kaepernick is not the right choice. It sounded like paid announcements, and, worse, a veiled cover for dislike that has been hurled Kaepernick's direction since he started taking a knee. Jesus Mary Joseph the WHOLE TEAM is taking a knee in the department of competitiveness, and if they want to have any chance of winning a game, they need to put that guy out there.  He can at least throw an accurate ball down the middle. 

aaaaAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!!!