Doormat Division: WEEK 13 Report- Get to 10 Losses and Feel Better

Today in the Doormat Division:  The Ten Club;  The Toronto Ploy works to perfection;  Ryan Fitzpatrick still the INT king; The Toxic Cloud on tour; Jaguars falling farther out of first; NFL Worst stats for Week 13.

The Ten Club-  the true measure of a team that is more than

 mediocre, a team that has a franchise-wide dedication to losing, whether they know it or not.   It's been wild, but, finally, we have a team to arrive at 10 losses in 2013.

Not the Gags, not the Falcons, not Tampa Bay...

It's those Kings of Fade, the High Priests of Horrible, now disappearing into the Toxic Cloud...

THE HOUSTON TEXANS

TOXINS 31,  PATRIOTS  34

Hard to believe, but our first arrival in the illustrious 10 Club won the first two games of the season....and then closed up shop.  Losing more second half leads than the Oakland Faders, the Toxins actually fought back in this one, not wanting to look toooo obvious.   But, when the final gun sounded, the result was the same.  10 straight losses and the inside track to the Moldy Carpet.  They came from outta nowhere, and they're going straight to oblivion.  Join the Cloud.  Ride the Cloud.  Sniff the Cloud.

Next loss:  Jacksonville 

BROWNIES 28,  JAGUARS 32

The Jags.  I don't recognize this team.  They've lost it. The Brownies, now, this I get.  2 losses to go before they hit the 10 Club for the sixth year in a row.  The Jags, winners of 3 of their last 4, are still only 1 game out of first, but it looks very dicey.  The Toxic Cloud comes visiting next week, blinding all opposition and sticking them with a win. The Gags need to get wildly overconfident to biff the game and get into the 10 Club.   It's their only hope.

The Brownies were practically giving away tickets yesterday, but the Dawg Pound had no effect on this team's tendency to take a lead, and then let the other team rack up a TD on the next possession. Yep, it was another Brownie Bake Sale at First (quarter) Energy Stadium yesterday. The Brownies just keep on giving back.  You didn't know it was a charitable organization, did you?


BILLS 31,  FALCONS 34 (OT)
The Nils politely left the country for this one, warming the dome in Toronto up to Altanta temperatures and selling all the seats to Falcons fans.  It was the perfect move for a team nailing down their 14th straight year out of the playoffs (best current streak in NFL), and 9th straight year with a losing record.  One more year and they'll be in some elite company.  

For the 15 Bills fans that came for the historic event (Bills now 1-5 in Toronto, very impressive), they were treated to two fumbles on their last two possessions, killing off the potential winning FG in regulation, and then setting up the winner for the Falcons, who did everything in their power to blow this game, but when you get to the last 5 games of the season, forget losing to the Bills.  Just watch and learn.  Where were all the Bills fans?  What, and leave behind all these leftovers?  The turkey stuffing nachos were interesting.  The Bronx Cheer that went up over Lake Erie after the fumble in OT smelled awfully realistic.

VIKINGS 23,  BEARS 20

The revolving QB this week was Matt Cassel, and Leslie Frazier gets it wrong, and the Vikes have to absorb a victory in overtime, even after blowing a FG with a penalty, and then missing a 57-yarder.  The Bears countered with their own shanked FG, and the Vikes finally crumbled and took the win.  The Vikes fall to 4th in the Doormat NFC, 3-8-1 and having to regroup for the last 4 weeks and their fading shot at the NFC Doormat crown.  And tie and now a win- what next??  

JETS 3, DOLPHINS 23

Jets QB Geno Smith, working on an incredible 8.3 QB rating for the game, gets yanked for rookie Mike Simms in the second half, more than quadrupling the QB rating up to a gaudy 38.9.  Luckily, the Jets (5-7) still turn in the lowest point total for the weekend, and nearly rival the Packers for most inoperative offense. The Dolphins (6-6) are now the leaders of the AFC Parity Division.  Still, as bad as the Jets are now, they still only qualify as mediocre overall.  4 weeks to go, 3 losses to snag to get to the magic 10.  Can they do it?  If they want to get Rex Ryan fired, they better do it.  

BUCCANEERS 6,  PANTHERS 27

It's nice to know the Bucs haven't lost touch with reality, and with the amenities of the Basement.  This one was easy to pull off, of course, as the Panthers are in that other division that leads to a Super Bowl.  The Bucs vault back into first place in the Doormat NFC, thanks to the Falcons failure to blow it in Buffalo.

TITANS 14, COLTS 22
Okay, so maybe they're only 5-7, but Ryan Fitzpatrick was on fire yesterday.  I honestly have never seen a QB who can be so on the money on one pass and then so completely wildly off-target in the next.  On some of his interceptions, it looks like he throws it directly to the other team.  He even pointed on one of them and, sure enough, connected with a Colt DB, who was right where Fitz-fizzle said he'd be.   Three hilariously (or perhaps, expertly) accurate interceptions and a fumble and BOOM.  Take the loss and get on the bus.

RED-FACEDS 17, GIANTS 24
The Shanaplan!  The Flappaflan!  Seven punts, 5 sacks, 8 penalties, and another game "they shoulda won."  But they didn't.  The Deadskins make it to 3-9, just one from the 10 Club and then they get to spend the whole winter in the BASEMENT.  We'll put the "101 Tasteless Indian Jokes" paperback on the coffee table.

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 13 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           3-9          217-285

Atlanta                3-9          261-340
Washington          3-9          269-362

Minnesota            3-8-1       289-366

NY Giants             5-7          237-297

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-10        230-278
Jacksonville         3-9         174-352

Cleveland             4-8         231-297

Buffalo                 4-8         267-307

Raiders                 4-8         237-300

NFL WORST STATS FOR WEEK 13

OFFENSE

WORST OFFENSE OVERALL:  Green Bay Packers

Points:   3    Jets

First Downs:   7    Packers

Total Yards:   126  Packers

Rushing:   24  Packers

Passing:    78 Giants

QB Rating:   8.3  Geno Smith,  JETS   (three weeks in a row!)

INT:  3  Ryan Fitzpatrick, Titans

Turnovers:  4  Titans,  Lions

Fumbles-  4-2,  Bills;  2-2  Chargers; 3-1 Browns

Sacked: 6-39  Falcons

Punts:  8   Eagles

Red Zone Failure:  0-3 Dolphins (Jets 0-2 in same game);  1-5 Vikings

3rd Down Conversions:  1-10 Bucs; 2-10 Packers; 2-12 Jets

Time of Possession:  19:34

Misc: 

Penalties:   11-105 Rams;  9-102 Chiefs;  

DEFENSE

WORST OVERALL DEFENSE:  Packers.  Dreadful with a capital "D"

Points allowed: 40  Packers

First downs: 30 Packers

Net Yards allowed:  561 Packers

Rushing yards allowed:  241  Packers
Passing yards allowed:  408  Chiefs
Red Zone Conversions allowed:  3-3  Texans and Pats same game;  4-5  Raiders
3rd Down Conversions allowed:  9-12 Packers, 8-14, KC; 7-13 Oak and Cowboys same game.


aaaAAAaAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 12 WRAP-UP AND PUNT INTO THE TOXIC CLOUD

This Week in the Doormat Division:  Packers-Vikes perfect mediocrity;  Houston Texans move into first;  Browns on pace for 10 losses after all;  Jets finally lose 2 in a row; Chiefs figure out losing; Lions remind everybody who's boss.  Week 12 and still nobody’s lost 10 games.

THE TOXIC CLOUD CANNOT BE STOPPED

TEXANS 6, JAGUARS 13

The Houston Toxins have moved into undisputed first place in the Doormat AFC, at 2-9.   Toxins coach Gary Kubiak on yesterday’s game:  “We struggled to throw and catch and do some of the simple things.”  I might dispute the ‘some’ part of that statement. 

"There's so many things that when you have success, when you have a victory like this, so many things you can point out that lead up to it," Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley said. "That's what I'm most pleased about. It wasn't by accident."  

Well, it sure wasn’t by accident, coach.  The Toxins are on a roll that even you guys can’t stop.  8 losses in row leads up to 9 losses in a row very nicely.  Getting sacked for 19 yards on your first pass attempt sets a tone that has to impress even the biggest Jaguar follower.  The Toxic Cloud is rising above all.

Kubiak has coached from the booth the last two weeks.  With his condition, I recommend he move a bit farther off…say, Ulan Bator.  In a yurt with a B/W zenith TV from 1965.   Honestly, after a week in a yurt and chipping in with the chores, he won’t care if he ever comes back.  Slap some more Yak butter on that Mongolian sesame bread, and relax.

Rematch in two weeks in JAX.  Look out.

PARITY PARITY PARITY PARITY!!

PACKERS 26, VIKINGS 26

941 yards of total offense, and it’s a tie.  “It’s an empty feeling. You go out there and you didn’t lose the game,” said Packers coach Mike McCarthy. We’re disappointed you didn’t lose, either, Mike.   The Porkers lost their chance to get in the loss column, and instead are the Gods of Mediocrity this week, standing at 5-5-1.   The Yikings have dealt themselves a serious blow to their NFC Doormat title hopes with the tie.  Craftily blowing a 16 point lead in the third quarter, the Yikes were then duped into kicking a tying field goal in OT by the Pork, and the season’s most stellar game of Parity played out its paltry pay-off to the paying public in butt-freezing Wisconsin. 

BROWNS 11,  STEELERS 27

Six weeks ago, the Brownies were 3-2, the Steelers were 1-4, and the perennially sufferin’ succotash of Cleveland Fandom could not wait to play the Steelers.  Unfortunately, they had to wait 6 weeks.  They tip-toed into the stadium yesterday. And slumped out.

Blank Helmet Football is back, and the Brownies gift wrap 3 fumbles for the Torn Curtain who, thanks to Parity, are in the thick of the playoff hunt in the AFC North with a 5-6 record.  It was also reported they are eligible for the NHL playoffs, were they to start today.

The Brownies (4-7) have 5 games to go, and can make 10 losses. They can break the Parity bubble, and fall straight down into the big hole.  That would be SIX years in a row.  Next week is the swaggering alley cats of Jacksonville, and the final game of the season could be the clincher against these same hated Steelers.  What a way to go out in 2013, nailing down loss #10 in Pittsburgh.  

LIONS 21, BUCCANEERS 24

It was tough.  Those Bucs are Super Bowl material.  The Boots, racking up 10 first downs and 229 yard of total offense, are just a juggernaut of jinky. The Kittens, obviously unimpressed with the Bucs feeble attempt at being the worst team in the league, whip out 2008 (the glorious 0-16 season) in the Kat Box and show the Bootineers how it's done.  Take that, you smelly upstarts!  Eat our kitty litter!!  Matt Stafford hucks FOUR interceptions and never looks back.  Or forward.  The Kitties are 6-5, and only need another loss and a tie, and they can shut up the Packers.  The Bucs have pretty much blown any chance they had at the Moldy Carpet.  Bring back Josh Campbell!

LAMBS 42, BEARS 21

Sam Bradford will never start for another NFL team.  Except maybe in Texas, where he can get lost in the Toxic Cloud.  That would be perfect.

CHIEFS 38, CHARGERS 41

A good, old-fashioned, AFC West shoot-out.  The Cheaps lose two in row, and suddenly nobody is afraid of them.  They opened up the offense, and a can of worms came out.  It’s too late to finish the season 8-8, but they could make to 9-7.  It’s never too late.

GIANTS 21,  COWBOYS 24

The Cowpies did their best, but it wasn’t enough, as the Giants give up crucial 3^rd down conversions and call 3 time outs to help the Cowpies get into proper position for the winning field goal with :00 on the clock.  The GNATS (4-7) move subtly away from ‘parity.’ 

JETS 3, RAVENS 19

Finally the Jets lose 2 in a row.  Now that they set the record for parity (alternating wins and losses for the first 10 games), maybe they can get down to losing 10 games.  QB Geno Smith is on fire for 2 interceptions,  a fumble, 1-12 on 3^rd down conversions,  and 9 of 22 for 127 yards.  Phew!  Hard day’s work.

RAIDERS 19, TITANS 23

The Raiders let their place-kick holder go last off-season, and it’s cost them 3 games already this year.  Seabass misses from point-blank range, and blames the holder. First time he’s ever done it.  But that’s what happens when you start talking about making the playoffs when you are 4-6.  You end up 4-7 and in the hunt for 10 losses.  Hats off to the Silver and Blacked Out. 

COLTS 11,  CARDINALS 589

Boy, the Clots sure can play a crummy game when they put their minds off it, huh?  Up, down, up , down.  You know what song to cue up.

It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that -  PARITY!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Atlanta                2-9          227-309

Minnesota            2-8-1       266-346

Tampa Bay           3-8          211-258

Washington          3-7          246-311

NY Giants             4-7          213-280

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-9         199-289
Jacksonville         2-9         142-324

Cleveland             4-7         203-265

Buffalo                 4-7         236-273

Raiders                 4-7         213-269

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the BASEMENT!!!