This Week in the
Doormat Division: Packers-Vikes
perfect mediocrity; Houston Texans
move into first; Browns on pace
for 10 losses after all; Jets
finally lose 2 in a row; Chiefs figure out losing; Lions remind everybody who's boss. Week 12 and still nobody’s
lost 10 games.
THE TOXIC CLOUD CANNOT BE STOPPED
TEXANS 6,
JAGUARS 13
The Houston Toxins
have moved into undisputed first place in the Doormat AFC, at 2-9. Toxins coach Gary Kubiak on
yesterday’s game: “We struggled to
throw and catch and do some of the simple things.” I might dispute the ‘some’ part of that statement.
"There's so many things that when you have success, when
you have a victory like this, so many things you can point out that lead up to
it," Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley said. "That's what I'm most
pleased about. It wasn't by accident."
Well, it sure wasn’t by accident, coach. The Toxins are on a roll that even you
guys can’t stop. 8 losses in row
leads up to 9 losses in a row very nicely. Getting sacked for 19 yards on your first pass attempt sets
a tone that has to impress even the biggest Jaguar follower. The Toxic Cloud is rising above all.
Kubiak has coached from the booth the last two weeks. With his condition, I recommend he move
a bit farther off…say, Ulan Bator.
In a yurt with a B/W zenith TV from 1965. Honestly, after a week in a yurt and chipping in with
the chores, he won’t care if he ever comes back. Slap some more Yak butter on that Mongolian sesame bread, and relax.
Rematch in two weeks in JAX. Look out.
PARITY PARITY PARITY PARITY!!
PACKERS 26, VIKINGS 26
941 yards of total offense, and it’s a tie. “It’s an empty feeling. You go out
there and you didn’t lose the game,” said Packers coach Mike McCarthy. We’re
disappointed you didn’t lose, either, Mike. The Porkers lost their chance to get in the loss
column, and instead are the Gods of Mediocrity this week, standing at
5-5-1. The Yikings have
dealt themselves a serious blow to their NFC Doormat title hopes with the
tie. Craftily blowing a 16 point
lead in the third quarter, the Yikes were then duped into kicking a tying field
goal in OT by the Pork, and the season’s most stellar game of Parity played out
its paltry pay-off to the paying public in butt-freezing Wisconsin.
BROWNS 11,
STEELERS 27
Six weeks ago, the Brownies were 3-2, the Steelers were 1-4,
and the perennially sufferin’ succotash of Cleveland Fandom could not wait to play the
Steelers. Unfortunately, they had
to wait 6 weeks. They tip-toed into the stadium yesterday. And slumped out.
Blank Helmet Football is back, and the Brownies gift wrap 3
fumbles for the Torn Curtain who, thanks to Parity, are in the thick of the
playoff hunt in the AFC North with a 5-6 record. It was also reported they are eligible for the NHL playoffs,
were they to start today.
The Brownies (4-7) have 5 games to go, and can make 10
losses. They can break the Parity bubble, and fall straight down into the big
hole. That would be SIX years in a
row. Next week is the swaggering
alley cats of Jacksonville, and the final game of the season could be the
clincher against these same hated Steelers. What a way to go out in 2013, nailing down loss #10 in
Pittsburgh.
LIONS 21, BUCCANEERS 24
It was tough.
Those Bucs are Super Bowl material. The Boots, racking up 10 first downs and 229 yard of total
offense, are just a juggernaut of jinky. The Kittens, obviously unimpressed with the Bucs feeble attempt at being the worst team in the league, whip out 2008 (the glorious 0-16 season) in the Kat Box and show the Bootineers how it's done. Take that, you smelly upstarts! Eat our kitty litter!! Matt Stafford hucks FOUR interceptions and never looks back. Or forward. The Kitties are 6-5, and only need another loss and a tie, and they can
shut up the Packers. The Bucs have
pretty much blown any chance they had at the Moldy Carpet. Bring back Josh Campbell!
LAMBS 42, BEARS 21
Sam Bradford will never start for another NFL team. Except maybe in Texas, where he can get
lost in the Toxic Cloud. That would be perfect.
CHIEFS 38, CHARGERS 41
A good, old-fashioned, AFC West shoot-out. The Cheaps lose two in row, and
suddenly nobody is afraid of them.
They opened up the offense, and a can of worms came out. It’s too late to finish the season 8-8,
but they could make to 9-7. It’s
never too late.
GIANTS 21,
COWBOYS 24
The Cowpies did their best, but it wasn’t enough, as the
Giants give up crucial 3rd down conversions and call 3 time outs to
help the Cowpies get into proper position for the winning field goal with :00
on the clock. The GNATS (4-7) move
subtly away from ‘parity.’
JETS 3, RAVENS 19
Finally the Jets lose 2 in a row. Now that they set the record for parity
(alternating wins and losses for the first 10 games), maybe they can get down
to losing 10 games. QB Geno Smith
is on fire for 2 interceptions, a
fumble, 1-12 on 3rd down conversions, and 9 of 22 for 127 yards. Phew! Hard
day’s work.
RAIDERS 19, TITANS 23
The Raiders let their place-kick holder go last off-season,
and it’s cost them 3 games already this year. Seabass misses from point-blank range, and blames the
holder. First time he’s ever done it.
But that’s what happens when you start talking about making the playoffs
when you are 4-6. You end up 4-7
and in the hunt for 10 losses.
Hats off to the Silver and Blacked Out.
COLTS 11,
CARDINALS 589
Boy, the Clots sure can play a crummy game when they put
their minds off it, huh? Up, down,
up , down. You know what song to
cue up.
It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that
- PARITY!
DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12 STANDINGS
NFC .
W-L PF-PA
Atlanta 2-9 227-309
Minnesota 2-8-1 266-346
Tampa Bay 3-8 211-258
Washington 3-7 246-311
NY Giants 4-7 213-280
AFC .
Houston 2-9 199-289
Jacksonville 2-9 142-324
Jacksonville 2-9 142-324
Cleveland 4-7 203-265
Buffalo 4-7 236-273
Raiders 4-7 213-269
aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View
From the BASEMENT!!!
Hoddamotty, I'm still crying from laughing so hard at this Wrap Up. It's almost like you are making this stuff up, Wacko. These teams are just laying eggs right on a silver platter for us. Sam Bradford in the toxic cloud almost got me off my chair. My sides are splitting. Thanks! jg
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jim. I just re-read The Confederacy of Dunces before the last two weeks, and it really sharpened me up. It is, in fact, the ultimate Doormat book.
ReplyDelete