...and the Moldy Carpet 2016 goes to...
THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!!
1-15
Though the Perfect Season Parade was cancelled due to victory last week (it's a real thing, it's on GoFundMe and it raised over $10,000) and the money was smartly donated to the Cleveland Food Bank, Browns fans can still celebrate the winning of the Moldy Carpet, as their beloved Brownies finish dead last in the NFL for the first time, EVER, in their storied history.
Here's the link to the Perfect Season Parade Fund, in case you doubt us (apologies for this link not being 'active' - you must cut and paste):
https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-fund?ssid=860390682&pos=1
We'll get to the incredible final game that the hometown fans got to endure, but first the standings
DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17
FINAL STANDINGS
AFC
Cleveland - 1-15
Jacksonville - 3-13
NY Jets - 5-11
San Diego - 5-11
Cincinnati - 6-9-1
Bills 7-9
NFC
San Francisco - 2-14
Chicago - 3-13
Los Angeles - 4-12
Carolina - 6-10
Philly- 7-9
New Orleans 7-9
All teams below the 10-loss line are not granted membership in the Basement for 2016-17. 7-9 you get to spend the winter on the patio by the grill. Philly and Cincinnati both had shots to make the 10 club yesterday, but failed. The Panthers, however, nailed it.
BROWNS 24, STEELERS 27 (OT)
(Cleveland) Do you have "grit"? Cleveland has grit. Cleveland has so much grit, they've got brown and orange kidney stones.
It was arduous, it was difficult. But the Brown-outs are money. Playing against the most obscure Steelers money can buy, the Browns still pulled it off. Despite racking up 27 first downs (first time since Dec. 13, 2015*), 437 total yards and getting punted at 8 times, they still did it.
They did it by intercepting a pass, running it back the length of the field for an apparent pick-six, and then fumbled at the goal line for a Steeler's touchback. Wow! Pittsburgh responded by marching the length of the field and scoring.
They did by driving right down to the 3 yard line in the closing minute, tied 21-21, needing only to run out the clock and kick the stupid field goal and win the game- but the Blanks fumbled the ball and the Steelers recovered. Incredible!
They did it by kicking a field goal in overtime and then letting the Steelers just mow the grass with them, all the way down the field, and watching from a safe vantage point as the Steelers score the winning touchdown. Kablam!! That's right, instead of just safely losing the game early, with the fans slipping away quietly into the overcast afternoon, they kept them in their seats until the final, baleful horn sounded. Blank Helmet Football wraps it up with a cathedral-quiet mass shuffle to the parking lot. I can hear the gravel.
Owner Jim Haslem is keeping this magnificent front office, GM and coach together for an encore next season, and why not? He's doubling down! He's double-trouble in a bubble of flubble doubling down! Sprinkle some more grit on that bratwurst!! Hey, they still need to have that Perfect Season Parade, because the fans deserve- the fans do not deserve this.
I can kind of understand Haslem's decision. Perhaps the logic is: what the heck difference will it make? What else can happen? Brownie fans everywhere, we salute your bumbling team for the glory of the Moldy Carpet, and for the day you guys will somehow, someway, exit the Basement. Now, take your Jim Brown jersey, make a hot cocoa, wrap yourself in the jersey, find your comfy chair, and just hum to yourself quietly. Pet the cat. Watch the rain patter on the window. And then, when you've had your cry, tune in the Cavaliers game tonight.
*the Dec. 13 game was the Battle for the Basement in 2015, vs. the 49ers (4-8 vs the Browns 2-10). The Blanks won that game. It is, in fact one of the 2 games they have won in the last 27.
49ERS 23, SEAHAWKS 25
(Santa Clara) The 49ers win the NFC Doormat with a stellar 2-14 season, tying every other 'worst' season they've ever had. QB Colin Kaepernick posted a 123.1 rating yesterday. The Whiners also went 2-11 on third down. So, he was great on 1st and 2nd down, but complete crapola on 3rd, a solid recipe for posting a loss. The Whiners fired everybody except the owner. Owner Jed York issued so many pink slips you could have made a tutu. So look for more 10 loss seasons until further notice. Because Jed. Jed is a man with...with...a stadium. Perhaps he can get the SF Ballet to move there. They will sell guaranteed tutu 'licenses.'
Chip Kelly, since he did not enter the league as an offensive coordinator, is done in the NFL. Getting dropped into head coaching with no subordinate roles and failing twice leaves one no options. Not a career NFL man. But Southwestern East Texas Teacher's College is hiring, I hear. I believe their nickname is the Knucklerappers.
LAMBS 6, CARDINALS 44
(Los Angeles) Here we are, end of season. Lambs are just easily the worst team in the league. How did they ever win those 3 games in a row back in September? I dunno! Must have been a clerical error. Yesterday they finished off the season, at home like the Browns and Whiners, and just mailed it in from so far away, it needed extra postage. 9 first downs. 123 total yards. 3 turnovers (5 total fumbles! just whoa), including a pick six as the cherry on top final glory moment of the season. The defense was- wait, I am being told there was no defense. Never mind. Rams finish a respectable Doormat 4-12. Can they do to Jared Goff what they did to Sam Bradford (105 sacks in 3 years)? Stay tuned.
BEARS 10, VIKINGS 38
Before we go all Bears on you, the Vikings (8-8) and the Colts (8-8) will play in the Parity Bowl at a neutral site and every single person will receive a ribbon for participating.
Can we get Bears QB Matt Barkley 9 more games? In a mere 7 contests, he connected on 14 interceptions. If he got a full season, that's 32 interceptions! It won't get him to George Blanda's all-time record of 42, but it's a start. Yesterday he racked up 2 more (plus a Fumble-Six) and avoided the end zone, so his 'balance' is 8 TDs vs. 14 interceptions. Go to the head of the class here in the Basement. The only game he didn't throw an INT was versus the Whiners in a driving snow storm. So, if the NFL expands to Anchorage, we know who to build our roster around. And don't build a damn indoor stadium. Be a man! Oh, my cocoa has gone cold.
By the way the the all-time single season interception leader (most interceptions by DB) is Night Train Lane, for the 1952 Los Angeles Rams. A name worth keeping alive.
Bears finish up a very very competitive 3-13, nipping at the heels of the Whiners. But the victory over the Whiners, in that very blizzard, did them in. Coach John Fox, a blazing 9-23 since taking over this developing Doormat regular, refuses to say if he'll have a job next year. I always wonder what this means- did he offer his resignation and was told to shut up? Win the Moldy Carpet, and we'll talk about firing, John.
JAGS 20, COLTS 24
What a great finish to a season like this: lose the game with :09 left on the clock. Jags (3-13) came back into the Basement with a vengeance. Never doubt this club. I don't care who they hire to steer this team. They have culture.
CHARGERS 27, CHIEFS 37
(San Diego) Interception leader Philip "Why Are People In the Way?" Rivers racks up two more and finishes the season with 21, a curious homage to slingin' John Hadl (#21). An acceptable 5-11, the Chagrins didn't tank- they just never got around to winning very often. Blowing more leads than anybody thought possible, except our commissioner who called it in the preseason, the Chargers fired coach Mike McCoy yesterday, and so won't have to pack so much stuff for the move to Los Angeles (Pasadena).
PANTHERS 16, BUCS 17
(Tampa)Three teams had a shot at making 10 losses yesterday, and only the Panthers
(6-10) achieved greatness and membership in the Basement for the winter. You know, despite the Super Bowl last year, we still have some faded Pansies wallpaper up, behind the TV. We like the way that funny blue goes with the orange plaid and silver duct tape couch. See, they always come back, even if just on the Patio. They're our grill-masters.
Who else but the Pansies could lose the final game to them Bucs (9-7!!), our proud Doormat members who graciously passed the torch yesterday in Tampa. Pansie QB Cam Newton was a blaze of interceptions (3) and pained looks (the champion). The crowning pain being the missed 2-point conversion, going for the win, at the end of regulation, instead of getting the tie and going into overtime. Why wait when you can lose now, and hit the hot tub just that much sooner?
Panthers experience biggest plummet of the year, from 15-1 and the Stuper Bowl to 6-10 and winterizing in the Basement. {The Panthers have never had two winning seasons in a row. They began operations in 1993.}
JETS 30, BILLS 10
(New York) Well, the Jets (5-11) still make the 10 Club, but it could have been so much more. But what are you going to do when it's New Year's Day and the visiting team was in NYC for New Year's? You won't be losing this game, no matter how much bigger your hangover is than Joe Namath's ever was. Bills play like they left it all on the dance floor last night, and go pffft. Rex Ryan, freshly fired, can head for the golf links and...does his brother caddy? That has to be the best stocked golf bag on the links any time they show up.
AND NOW FOR OUR YEAR-END UPDATES:
THE TEN CLUB
CLEVELAND 1-15 2 years in a row 10 losses
SAN FRANCISCO 2-14 (coach fired)
JACKSONVILLE 3-13 (coach fired) 5 straight years 10 losses
CHICAGO 3-13 2 years in a row
LOS ANGELES 4-12 (coach fired) 2 years in a row
SAN DIEGO 5-11 (coach fired)
NY JETS 5-11 2 years in a row
CAROLINA 6-10 (coach fired)
. LONGEST PLAYOFF DROUGHT
1. BUFFALO BILLS - 17
seasons and climbing
2. CLEVELAND BROWNS- 14
3. ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12
4. JACKSONVILLE
JAGUARS- 9
5. TAMPA BAY BUCS- 9
6. TENNESSEE TITANS- 8
7. NEW YORK JETS- 6
8. CHICAGO BEARS- 6
17 seasons is a really long
time. However 26 seasons without a playoff victory is even more painful.
2. LONGEST PLAYOFF VICTORY
DROUGHT
1. CINCINNATI BENGALS-
26
2. DETROIT LIONS -
25 (pending playoff outcome) 1 victory since 1957.
3. BUFFALO BILLS- 21
3. BUFFALO BILLS- 21
4. CLEVELAND BROWNS-
19
5. MIAMI DOLPHINS- 15 (
6. OAKLAND RAIDERS- 14 (pending playoff outcome, not looking good)
7. TAMPA BAY BUCS-
15
8. TENNESSEE TITANS-
14
aaaaAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!
-wacko
