DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2
Playing by the Cardinal Rules!!

Another week of bumbling football is in the books, Doormat Denizens, and some clarity has been achieved.  Our two favorites for NFC and AFC champs, after only two weeks, are: the Arizona Cardinals and the Biffalo Buffs! Both teams already have point differentials over -50, and we don't see why, in at least the case of the Cards, that they can't get to -100 by week 5. Both teams are Puntastic, and should have their defenses gassed by the middle of the 2nd quarter in most games.

Let's take a look at the standings:

DOORMAT DIVISION
WEEK 2 

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-2           6         58       -52
Detroit          0-2          44       78       -34
Giants          0-2           28       40       -12

Chicago        0-1          23       24        -1     

Seattle          0-1           24      27        -3

    

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Buffalo         0-2          23         78       -55

Oakland        0-2          32         53       -21
Houston        0-2          37        47       -10
Cleveland     0-1-1       39        42       -3
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5

The Bears and the Seahags face off tonight, so, barring a third tie in the season already, one of those teams will be saddled with a win.

THE GAMES

CARDINALS 0,  ANYBODY ELSE 34
Ok, so it was the Rams yesterday.  But you can throw anybody out on that field against the Crudinals, and they're going to look like Super Bowl contenders. 5 first downs and 137 total yards for the Cruds. 8 punts! And a defense that allowed 8-15 3rd down conversions for the Rams. Total team effort.

RrrrrrrAIDERS 19, BRONCOS 20
0-2 and looking like this year's FADERS, Oakland pulls off another face-plant, this time by getting the Broncos into position for the winning FG with loose change left on the clock.  If they can lose to the Dolphins next week, look out.

Fun fact: 88% of teams that lose their first two games do not make the playoffs.  Time to set new goals!

LIONS 27,  49ERS 30,
Looks like someone ran that stat by the Lions just a little too late yesterday.  The Kitties sport sabotage at almost every position, and their timing of various gaffes makes a Mission:Impossible script look plausible.  SF QB Jimmy Garoppolo tried to throw the game-killer pick-six (well, first down at the 6) late in the 4th, but the Lions delivered a pointless defensive hold to blot that baby out.

BILLS 20, CHARGERS 31
Not even the Chargers can do a collapse, or a tank, or a futile comeback against the formidable Nils.
0-2 and rolling.  Next shellacking @ Vikings.

BUCS 27,  EAGLES  21
Ryan Fitzpatrick (144.4 rating) and the Bucs are supposed to be 0-2 right about now.  OOPS!

BROWNIES 18,  SAINTS 21
Browns Kicker Zane "Waivers" Gonzalez missed two field goals (one at the very end for the tie) and two extra points.  Someone had to step up and plant a foot, or the Browns would have won this game.
Brownouts will have a new kicker by next week, so they'll have to find another way to lose against the Jets.  Do they serve "Underdogs" at the concessions in Cleveland?  Definitely comes with no mustard.

WASHINGTONS 9,  COLTS 21
Alex Smith or not, keep an eye on the Washingtons.  There's a lot of losing to do in this league, and someone has to be man enough to accept the challenge.

JETS 12,  DOLPHINS 20
Remember Ryan Tannehill?  The Jets sure remember him now.  Jets QB Sam Darnold comes down to earth with two INTs.  Jets fumbled 4 times, though losing only one.  Gotta work on that.  Fumble harder!  Dolphins 2-0 and early exiters from the Basement.  But...let's just wait and see.

PATS 20, JAGUARS 31
The Jags scoring 31 points is enough to get anybody concerned for their health.  If Tom Brady gets an owie and misses 5-6 games, the Pats could lose 10.

TEXANS 17, TITANS 20
How bad are the Texans?  Blaine Gabbert WON a game as Titans QB.   Texans defense figured he'd just FALL OVER on his own, that shoelaces thing, so they kept the QB hits down to a manageable 2.  Less bruises to treat after the game.  Get to your car quicker.

VIKINGS 29, PACKERS 29 (OT)
With TWO ties already in two weeks, this is looking like the Year of the Parity Division.  Look for 8-7-1 and 7-8-1 in your team's future.

GIANTS 13, COWBOYS 20
Giants 0-2 and huge game against the Texans next week.  We'll know what's what after those gridiron heroics.

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS
Bears are FAVORED to win this game, which is....uh....Seahags just might be elbowing their way into the basement REAL SOON.

aaaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

NFL WEEK 8 WORST STATS

NFL WEEK 8 WORST STATS

Lions 0-5 in the red zone, 2-12 on third down, and 0-2 on 4th down.  Impressive.

OFFENSE
Points:  0                       Dolphins
First Downs:  13            Dolphins

Total Yards:  196           Dolphins
Rushing Yds:  33           Seahawks
Passing:  121                 Ravens
QB Rating:  43.5            Broncos (Simian)
3rd Down Conv:  3-15   49ers (3-13, Ravens; 2-12 Lions, Chiefs)
4th Down Conv:  0-2      Lions, Dolphins
Red Zone Conv: 0-5      Lions  
Turnovers:  5                 Broncos
INT:   3                           Broncos, Texans
Fumbles/lost:  4/2          Falcons, Bengals, Redskins.  2/2  Browns, Saints, Broncos
Sacked:  5-35                Texans
Fumble six given:  1       Dolphins, Raiders
Pick-six given: 2             Dolphins (Moore)


DEFENSE:
Points:  41                     Texans
Total Yards: 509             Seahawks
Pass yards: 446            Texans
Rush Yards: 177           Chiefs  (174, Dolphins)
No Sacks:   0                 Bucs, Raiders, Bills, Bengals
Penalties for first downs:  3   Dolphins, 49ers, Lions, Texans
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  3-5, Browns;  8-16 Bengals; 7-14 Lions; 9-19 Chargers

MISC:
Punts: 8             49ers, Dolphins
Penalties:  10/120        Seahawks;  11/95  Bills
Time of Poss:  22:08    Browns

-wacko

LIONIZING the ATMOSPHERE

DETROIT: TWO PLAYOFFS VICTORIES SINCE 1957

1957 & 1991

1957:  NFL CHAMPIONSHIP vs. The BROWNS  (59-14)

1991: Divisional Playoff vs. Cowboys (38-6)

Here they come again, connoisseurs of the dark side.  The Detroit Lions, a team that just can never get enough for them and their fans, are in the playoffs.  Why, you ask?  Because sometimes you have to lose a playoff game to look like your string of No Playoff Victories has meaning.  Otherwise, you aren't really in the dance.  24 years of no victories, and 60 years back to the big one in '57.  The Bengals may have 26 years of no victories, but you can't top 2 victories in 60 years. With that kind of production, you don't even have to talk about not ever being in the Super Bowl. One needs to use a  broader perspective.

This time, though, things are going to be different.  That's because they've never played the Seahawks in the playoffs, so that will be a new team to grab the L against. Now, we can't remember the last team that lost their last 3 games and still made the playoffs. But that looks like sound preparation. You might think the Lions didn't really want to make the playoffs.  Tum-te-tum....

The Lions lost 7 games and 5 were against playoff teams.  They won 9, and none were against playoff teams.  Of course, that's how you GET in the playoffs, beating up those Doormats (hey! ow!), but...maybe the Seahawks are going to have a really bad day.  Lest you forget, the Hags' last three victories are against these titans:  Panthers, Rams and 49ers.  So, hey.  Lions have a shot.

Here, in the lowly glare of the harsh flourescent...flouressent...fluorescent...did I spell that right?  I did? I'm taking the day off.

Here in the lowly glare of the harsh fluorescent lights in the basement, we have a saying.  The whole city of Detroit knows it:  "There's still time to lose."  We have to wrap ourselves in this mantra, while sprinkling kitty litter over the ouija board of football:

come ON, Lions.  Get outta the Basement.  

GAMETIME:  5:30.  Seattle.  34º game time temp.  Cloudy.  I can't look.  We'll be tuning in.  

WEEK 13 REPORT and COLD HARD FACTS OF FANTASY

Niners Take Control of NFC

Browns Don't Lose

Jaguars Must be Taken Seriously

That's Not My Hedgehog

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 13

AFC
Cleveland -     0-12
Jacksonville -  2-10
NY Jets -         3-8
Cincinnati -     4-7-1
San Diego -    5-7
Indianapolis-   5-6
NFC
San Francisco - 1-11
Chicago -          3-9
Los Angeles -   4-8
Carolina -         4-8
Philly-               5-7
New Orleans    5-7

Game of the Week

WHINERS 6, BEARS 26
If you want to be the king of the Basement in the NFC, and you've got a game coming up at Chicago's Soldier Field Snow Park, by all means spend the week before in Orlando, Florida. Chip Kelly is a genius. Amassing 6 net yards in passing for the WHOLE GAME, the San Francisco 49ers 
put a slushball down their pants and got more penalties (11) than first downs (10). 147 total yards of offense minus 106 yards of penalties comes out to...control of the NFC Basement!!  

The 6 yards of passing coincided brilliantly with Colin Kaepernick's announcement that he will opt out of his contract at the end of the season. Perfect. 

But let's share one stellar moment, a true great in Doormat history: Punting from their own end zone, the Bears arrange a blocked punt, which is caught in the air just 10 yards from the end zone by the 49ers and run back for an apparent touchdown. Even though the DB had run out of bounds at the 4 and everybody in the stadium knew it wasn't a touchdown, at least two 49ers got down in the slush and made snow angels until they drew a 'celebration' penalty. The Whines then ended up out at the 19 yard line, which was really far hey no fair, and settled for a field goal. You really couldn't have drawn up a better knucklehead play if you tried. Or, maybe they did.

The Bears, now, matched up really well for almost the entire first half, even trailing the Whines 6-0 at one point, fumbling the ball away on a punt and a kickoff in the midst of a driving wet snow storm to get those points for the Whiners. It was shaping up to be a gloriously horrrible game. 

But it was their bad luck to have the ball at the 2:00 warning before the half, and out of some kind of duty to protocol, they tried a forward pass (there were no completions in the first quarter by either team, first time since 1988).  OOPS!  3rd-string QB Matt (wow, I'm IN the GAME) Barkley discovered he had no problem completing passes, which, I'm sure had nothing to do with the 49ers Ole' defensive backfield. They skied down the field and scored. Then they couldn't stop it.

Ultimately, the most anticipated game of the Doormat season was no contest. This game was lost in Orlando, and the Bears just had no chance.  Bears now 3-9 and clinging to slim hopes. Niners 1-11 and the Jets coming up at home next week. Another tough challenge?  I dunno, these guys prepare.

BROWNS 0, NOBODY 0
The only way the Browns don't lose is if they don't play. Next week: The Battle for OhiO, 
Bengals-Browns.

JAGAURS 10, BRONCOS 20
Ja-gyu-ars.  Ja-geeyuu-ars. Let's start pronouncing it like the British motor company insists. After all, they PLAY in London every year. Pretty soon, we'll just change the name to the London Pubcrawlers. Jags are 2-10 and keeping the Browns in sight. Gags QB Blake Bortles, with yesterday's fluttering pick-six, has 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games.  He's got 11 in 3-years (his entire career). Bortles also tossed in a critical fumble near the end, when they were in danger of tying the game.

Just...wow, man.

PANTHERS 7, SEAHAWKS 40
Seahawks run into the Carolina Buzz-Saw, getting 534 yards of offense stuffed into their stat sheet, and any hope of another desultory, blindingly boring game was snuffed out like so many sad campfires in a dank Washington KOA. P.S. We're sending Cam Newton one of our Doormat Ties.  You can smell them when they are still in the box.  

DOLPHINS 6, RAVEN-POES 38
Well, after this bomb-out, maybe the Dolpins can run the table and still get a losing season out of this.  7-9 is still possible! Floppers QB Ryan Tannehill brings home the tuna with 3 interceptions and frightening inaccuracy.

LAMBS 10, PATRIOTS 26
The Lambs are the only team that gets their Doormat nickname in the headline. That's how much we trust them. 7 first downs, 8 punts, 2 interceptions and 400 yards of free offense for New England. Somehow, the Niners were worse than them, but the last game of the season will settle that score.

LIONS 28, SAINTS 13
Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!!!  The worst the Lions can finish is 8-8. They are leading the NFC North.  They are the best team at converting in the red zone this season.  WTF??  Hoorah for the Lions and the city of Detroit.  We stand up upon our crusted pizza boxes, and raise a stale Rainier Ale toast to the bums from Motown.  Saints still hanging around our grill out on the patio, wanting in.

BUCS 28, CHARGERS 21
Living up to it's billing this was the wildest game of the week (tied with Chiefs -Falcons),  the BUCS end the day (thank you Chiefs) tied for first place in the NFC South. It could all fall apart in the next 4 weeks, but kudos to our exiting Doormat. 

TONIGHT:  JETS-COLTS.  Jets should get this one, but the Colts are completely unreliable.


aaaaAAAAAaaand That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 4 WRAP UP!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK FOUR WRAP-UP

There is only ONE un-victorious team left, the illustrious Detroit Kittens, and tonight they have a chance to separate themselves from the rest of the NFL and reach 0-4.  They’re at Seattle, so things look good.  The Seahags haven’t been perfect, but the Lions have, so we’ll go with the Kitties pulling down an L and making it a thing of beauty.

And, in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s the Year of the Penalty.  Buffalo logged in yesterday with 17 for 135 yards the Jets with 14 for 163, though those were Imperial Yards.   That’s an insane amount of yardage and penalties.   The Jets won.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        0-3          56 – 83

Whiners     1-3           48 - 110

daBares     1-3           68 - 125

Boots         1-3           72 – 117

Aints          1-3           86 – 104

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Gaguars     1-3             62 – 107

Floppers    1-3             65 – 101

Brownies   1-3             85 -102

Cravens     1-3             93 - 104

Cheaps      1-3            100 -125

WEEK 4  WRAP UP

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

Texans 21, Falcons 48

It was 42-0 before the Falcons started choosing fans from the stands to play D.   The Toxins are rounding into shape, folks.  4 Turnovers, two returned for touchdowns.  Wow.

THE WILD FINISH

Jags 13, Colts 16 (OT)

There were a lot of close ones this week, teams pulling out last second losses in dire situations that could have ended in a demoralizing victory, but the Jags have no competition:  with the game tied with 6 seconds to go, placekicker Jason Myers sails one right- but WAIT the Colts called time out.  The Jags line up again and…Myers sails it again!  Overtime!  Then, the Jags got close enough for Myers to…hook one to the left.  Finally, out of options, the Colts kick a field goal themselves and just take the dingdong win.  Gags move into first place in the Doormat AFC.

Browns 27,  Chargers 30

The Chargers were game.  The Brownies actually scored points. But they pulled it off- a last second FG by the Blots keeps the Blank Helmet Dream moving.  Cleveland, you disappoint like nobody else.  And we love you for it.

DOORMAT EXHIBITION IN LONDON

Dolphins 14, Jets 27

I was worried when the Jags were not being sent back to represent the Doormat in London this year, but never fear, Florida has a surplus of talent in the Basement, and the Floppers delivered.  Pip pip!  Cheerio!  For he’s a jolly good punter!  Sadly, the Flops fired coach Philbin before he could even finish his fish and chips at Heathrow.  That’s no way to run a Doormat franchise..unless you are going to promote the guy all the players like on the coaching staff to run the team.  We’ll see.

DEATH MARCH SEASON

49ers 3,  Packers 17

After getting shelled two weeks in a row, this score at least looks close.  Don’t be fooled.  Though the 49er D played real football, the 49er offense is so bad that…they may not win another game.  I watched this one, and I don’t see how they will. The O-line can’t run block, can’t pass block, QB Kaepernick appears to have lost all his confidence, sailing balls out of bounds and scudding passes over the middle (‘scudding’ is bouncing the pass), visibly frustrated receivers, it’s all there.  48 points after 4 games is WAY OUT IN THE LEAD for lowest point total.   Not even Jacksonville can touch that, and that’s really really saying something. 

Also, Levi stadium really has a problem- there is nobody in the 50-yard line seats.  They call it the Red Hole (how charming), and it really looks weird when the cameras scan the seats.  It’s like a Division II college game being played there.  Oh, wait, I think I got it. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Raiders 20,  Bears 23

Coming into Chicago, riding a two game winning streak, the Raiders aren’t going to give up their Doormat Team of the Decade status easily.  They aren’t going to just hand it to daBares.  And they didn’t.  Kicking a FG with two seconds to go, daBears are forced to take the win, at home, when they could have effectively ended their season, and gone on a losing streak for the ages.  Tough luck, newbie. 

Bucs 23,  Panthers 37

Boots QB Jameis Winston gets it really going for TB with FOUR INTs – one a pick-six. 

Bucs toss in a fumble return for a Panther TD, and these guys look solid.  Only problem is their division has the Aints.  Says here the Aints win both of those.  Unless they already lost to them.  What do I know, I live in the basement with a broom closet for company.

Eagles  20,  Redskins 23

The wheels are coming off.  There is no spare.

Chiefs 21,  Bengals 36

7 Field goals by the Cheaps.  Good GOD.

THE WORST STATS FOR WEEK  4

Points:           3     49ers

First Downs:  8           49ers

Total Yards:  196         49ers

Passing:     96              Steelers

Rushing:   54               Texans 

Red Zone Failure:        0-whatever   Chiefs

Turnovers:  5               Bucs

Raspberry Turnovers (for TDs): 2      Bucs,  2  Texans

Punts:  8                      NYG

Penalties:  14/163        Jets   (9 teams had more than 80 yards in penalties. I have never seen that)

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: SILVER and BLACKED OUT FRIDAY

TURKEY EXTRA TURKEY  EXTRA

PACKERS  10,  LIONS 40

The Lions hadn’t won on TG day in 11 years.  They also hadn’t won very often on the other days, but you knew that.  Starting off the game with two interceptions and a fumble for a Packer TD, Lions QB Matt Stafford took the early advantage in the struggle for .500 or worse.  Up 10-0, there was a chance the Slack Pack would score 5 defensive touchdowns and- win a game?  Stafford looked in top form.

Cue Packer QB Matt Flynn, the only QB to build a career from one good game. If the Raiders cut someone- who began as the starter- from their team, you really should pay attention. If there is a QB with worse peripheral vision and hearing, he’s not in the NFL. It’s one thing to calmly stand in the pocket and hit your receivers.  It’s another to calmly stand in the pocket and just get hit.  Maybe the team’s name is The Pancackers*, but it’s too long to get on the banners.  The man is Doormat Gold.

Once the Lions realized what incredible nothingness they were up against, they just gave up and scored an avalanche of points.  I think we can just hand the Slackers the WORST OFFENSE and DEFENSE of the week without bothering with anybody else’s stats:

7 first downs.  126 TOTAL YARDS.  7 sacks for 37 yards. A Safety (one of the easiest ones I have ever seen).  Flynn chips in 2 lost fumbles and an interception.   19:34 time of possession- anything under 20:00 is a work of art and deserves special recognition.  It’s only happened twice this year.

Let’s not forget the Defense, long stringy hair and all:  The Slackers give up 561 yards, 3 TD passes, and 241 yards on the ground.  Total Doormat All-Star effort all around. 

Unfortunately, Aaron Rodgers is back next week.  5-6-1 and totally reeling, they have a shot at 10 losses. 

[*their full name is the Green Bay Meat Packers.   Or, at least, that’s the derivation.  The India Meat Packing company ponied up the money for their uniforms in year 1 (A.D.)]

RAIDERS 24, COWBOYS 31

The Oakland Faders (4-8) strike again.  Brilliant in the first quarter (86-41 points advantage), and progressively dreadful the rest of the way!

        PF-PA

1^st:   86- 41

2^nd:  71- 102

3^rd:  40-  62

4^th:  40-95

Outcoached? Out-hustled? Out-maneuvered?  Out-muscled?  Pick one. Pick them all. Someday they’ll play a full game of football.  But it’s not important next week.  The Jets are coming to town.

STEELERS 20, RAVENS 22

The Battle for the Middle rages on.  Steelers dodge .500 (5-7) and the Ravens (6-6) now lead the Parity Division.  I bet that conspiracy of Ravens is off the patio for good.  I bet they don’t come back.  But just remember, Never Bet the Devil Your Head.

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 12 WRAP-UP AND PUNT INTO THE TOXIC CLOUD

This Week in the Doormat Division:  Packers-Vikes perfect mediocrity;  Houston Texans move into first;  Browns on pace for 10 losses after all;  Jets finally lose 2 in a row; Chiefs figure out losing; Lions remind everybody who's boss.  Week 12 and still nobody’s lost 10 games.

THE TOXIC CLOUD CANNOT BE STOPPED

TEXANS 6, JAGUARS 13

The Houston Toxins have moved into undisputed first place in the Doormat AFC, at 2-9.   Toxins coach Gary Kubiak on yesterday’s game:  “We struggled to throw and catch and do some of the simple things.”  I might dispute the ‘some’ part of that statement. 

"There's so many things that when you have success, when you have a victory like this, so many things you can point out that lead up to it," Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley said. "That's what I'm most pleased about. It wasn't by accident."  

Well, it sure wasn’t by accident, coach.  The Toxins are on a roll that even you guys can’t stop.  8 losses in row leads up to 9 losses in a row very nicely.  Getting sacked for 19 yards on your first pass attempt sets a tone that has to impress even the biggest Jaguar follower.  The Toxic Cloud is rising above all.

Kubiak has coached from the booth the last two weeks.  With his condition, I recommend he move a bit farther off…say, Ulan Bator.  In a yurt with a B/W zenith TV from 1965.   Honestly, after a week in a yurt and chipping in with the chores, he won’t care if he ever comes back.  Slap some more Yak butter on that Mongolian sesame bread, and relax.

Rematch in two weeks in JAX.  Look out.

PARITY PARITY PARITY PARITY!!

PACKERS 26, VIKINGS 26

941 yards of total offense, and it’s a tie.  “It’s an empty feeling. You go out there and you didn’t lose the game,” said Packers coach Mike McCarthy. We’re disappointed you didn’t lose, either, Mike.   The Porkers lost their chance to get in the loss column, and instead are the Gods of Mediocrity this week, standing at 5-5-1.   The Yikings have dealt themselves a serious blow to their NFC Doormat title hopes with the tie.  Craftily blowing a 16 point lead in the third quarter, the Yikes were then duped into kicking a tying field goal in OT by the Pork, and the season’s most stellar game of Parity played out its paltry pay-off to the paying public in butt-freezing Wisconsin. 

BROWNS 11,  STEELERS 27

Six weeks ago, the Brownies were 3-2, the Steelers were 1-4, and the perennially sufferin’ succotash of Cleveland Fandom could not wait to play the Steelers.  Unfortunately, they had to wait 6 weeks.  They tip-toed into the stadium yesterday. And slumped out.

Blank Helmet Football is back, and the Brownies gift wrap 3 fumbles for the Torn Curtain who, thanks to Parity, are in the thick of the playoff hunt in the AFC North with a 5-6 record.  It was also reported they are eligible for the NHL playoffs, were they to start today.

The Brownies (4-7) have 5 games to go, and can make 10 losses. They can break the Parity bubble, and fall straight down into the big hole.  That would be SIX years in a row.  Next week is the swaggering alley cats of Jacksonville, and the final game of the season could be the clincher against these same hated Steelers.  What a way to go out in 2013, nailing down loss #10 in Pittsburgh.  

LIONS 21, BUCCANEERS 24

It was tough.  Those Bucs are Super Bowl material.  The Boots, racking up 10 first downs and 229 yard of total offense, are just a juggernaut of jinky. The Kittens, obviously unimpressed with the Bucs feeble attempt at being the worst team in the league, whip out 2008 (the glorious 0-16 season) in the Kat Box and show the Bootineers how it's done.  Take that, you smelly upstarts!  Eat our kitty litter!!  Matt Stafford hucks FOUR interceptions and never looks back.  Or forward.  The Kitties are 6-5, and only need another loss and a tie, and they can shut up the Packers.  The Bucs have pretty much blown any chance they had at the Moldy Carpet.  Bring back Josh Campbell!

LAMBS 42, BEARS 21

Sam Bradford will never start for another NFL team.  Except maybe in Texas, where he can get lost in the Toxic Cloud.  That would be perfect.

CHIEFS 38, CHARGERS 41

A good, old-fashioned, AFC West shoot-out.  The Cheaps lose two in row, and suddenly nobody is afraid of them.  They opened up the offense, and a can of worms came out.  It’s too late to finish the season 8-8, but they could make to 9-7.  It’s never too late.

GIANTS 21,  COWBOYS 24

The Cowpies did their best, but it wasn’t enough, as the Giants give up crucial 3^rd down conversions and call 3 time outs to help the Cowpies get into proper position for the winning field goal with :00 on the clock.  The GNATS (4-7) move subtly away from ‘parity.’ 

JETS 3, RAVENS 19

Finally the Jets lose 2 in a row.  Now that they set the record for parity (alternating wins and losses for the first 10 games), maybe they can get down to losing 10 games.  QB Geno Smith is on fire for 2 interceptions,  a fumble, 1-12 on 3^rd down conversions,  and 9 of 22 for 127 yards.  Phew!  Hard day’s work.

RAIDERS 19, TITANS 23

The Raiders let their place-kick holder go last off-season, and it’s cost them 3 games already this year.  Seabass misses from point-blank range, and blames the holder. First time he’s ever done it.  But that’s what happens when you start talking about making the playoffs when you are 4-6.  You end up 4-7 and in the hunt for 10 losses.  Hats off to the Silver and Blacked Out. 

COLTS 11,  CARDINALS 589

Boy, the Clots sure can play a crummy game when they put their minds off it, huh?  Up, down, up , down.  You know what song to cue up.

It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that -  PARITY!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Atlanta                2-9          227-309

Minnesota            2-8-1       266-346

Tampa Bay           3-8          211-258

Washington          3-7          246-311

NY Giants             4-7          213-280

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-9         199-289
Jacksonville         2-9         142-324

Cleveland             4-7         203-265

Buffalo                 4-7         236-273

Raiders                 4-7         213-269

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the BASEMENT!!!