DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 12 WRAP-UP AND PUNT INTO THE TOXIC CLOUD

This Week in the Doormat Division:  Packers-Vikes perfect mediocrity;  Houston Texans move into first;  Browns on pace for 10 losses after all;  Jets finally lose 2 in a row; Chiefs figure out losing; Lions remind everybody who's boss.  Week 12 and still nobody’s lost 10 games.

THE TOXIC CLOUD CANNOT BE STOPPED

TEXANS 6, JAGUARS 13

The Houston Toxins have moved into undisputed first place in the Doormat AFC, at 2-9.   Toxins coach Gary Kubiak on yesterday’s game:  “We struggled to throw and catch and do some of the simple things.”  I might dispute the ‘some’ part of that statement. 

"There's so many things that when you have success, when you have a victory like this, so many things you can point out that lead up to it," Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley said. "That's what I'm most pleased about. It wasn't by accident."  

Well, it sure wasn’t by accident, coach.  The Toxins are on a roll that even you guys can’t stop.  8 losses in row leads up to 9 losses in a row very nicely.  Getting sacked for 19 yards on your first pass attempt sets a tone that has to impress even the biggest Jaguar follower.  The Toxic Cloud is rising above all.

Kubiak has coached from the booth the last two weeks.  With his condition, I recommend he move a bit farther off…say, Ulan Bator.  In a yurt with a B/W zenith TV from 1965.   Honestly, after a week in a yurt and chipping in with the chores, he won’t care if he ever comes back.  Slap some more Yak butter on that Mongolian sesame bread, and relax.

Rematch in two weeks in JAX.  Look out.

PARITY PARITY PARITY PARITY!!

PACKERS 26, VIKINGS 26

941 yards of total offense, and it’s a tie.  “It’s an empty feeling. You go out there and you didn’t lose the game,” said Packers coach Mike McCarthy. We’re disappointed you didn’t lose, either, Mike.   The Porkers lost their chance to get in the loss column, and instead are the Gods of Mediocrity this week, standing at 5-5-1.   The Yikings have dealt themselves a serious blow to their NFC Doormat title hopes with the tie.  Craftily blowing a 16 point lead in the third quarter, the Yikes were then duped into kicking a tying field goal in OT by the Pork, and the season’s most stellar game of Parity played out its paltry pay-off to the paying public in butt-freezing Wisconsin. 

BROWNS 11,  STEELERS 27

Six weeks ago, the Brownies were 3-2, the Steelers were 1-4, and the perennially sufferin’ succotash of Cleveland Fandom could not wait to play the Steelers.  Unfortunately, they had to wait 6 weeks.  They tip-toed into the stadium yesterday. And slumped out.

Blank Helmet Football is back, and the Brownies gift wrap 3 fumbles for the Torn Curtain who, thanks to Parity, are in the thick of the playoff hunt in the AFC North with a 5-6 record.  It was also reported they are eligible for the NHL playoffs, were they to start today.

The Brownies (4-7) have 5 games to go, and can make 10 losses. They can break the Parity bubble, and fall straight down into the big hole.  That would be SIX years in a row.  Next week is the swaggering alley cats of Jacksonville, and the final game of the season could be the clincher against these same hated Steelers.  What a way to go out in 2013, nailing down loss #10 in Pittsburgh.  

LIONS 21, BUCCANEERS 24

It was tough.  Those Bucs are Super Bowl material.  The Boots, racking up 10 first downs and 229 yard of total offense, are just a juggernaut of jinky. The Kittens, obviously unimpressed with the Bucs feeble attempt at being the worst team in the league, whip out 2008 (the glorious 0-16 season) in the Kat Box and show the Bootineers how it's done.  Take that, you smelly upstarts!  Eat our kitty litter!!  Matt Stafford hucks FOUR interceptions and never looks back.  Or forward.  The Kitties are 6-5, and only need another loss and a tie, and they can shut up the Packers.  The Bucs have pretty much blown any chance they had at the Moldy Carpet.  Bring back Josh Campbell!

LAMBS 42, BEARS 21

Sam Bradford will never start for another NFL team.  Except maybe in Texas, where he can get lost in the Toxic Cloud.  That would be perfect.

CHIEFS 38, CHARGERS 41

A good, old-fashioned, AFC West shoot-out.  The Cheaps lose two in row, and suddenly nobody is afraid of them.  They opened up the offense, and a can of worms came out.  It’s too late to finish the season 8-8, but they could make to 9-7.  It’s never too late.

GIANTS 21,  COWBOYS 24

The Cowpies did their best, but it wasn’t enough, as the Giants give up crucial 3^rd down conversions and call 3 time outs to help the Cowpies get into proper position for the winning field goal with :00 on the clock.  The GNATS (4-7) move subtly away from ‘parity.’ 

JETS 3, RAVENS 19

Finally the Jets lose 2 in a row.  Now that they set the record for parity (alternating wins and losses for the first 10 games), maybe they can get down to losing 10 games.  QB Geno Smith is on fire for 2 interceptions,  a fumble, 1-12 on 3^rd down conversions,  and 9 of 22 for 127 yards.  Phew!  Hard day’s work.

RAIDERS 19, TITANS 23

The Raiders let their place-kick holder go last off-season, and it’s cost them 3 games already this year.  Seabass misses from point-blank range, and blames the holder. First time he’s ever done it.  But that’s what happens when you start talking about making the playoffs when you are 4-6.  You end up 4-7 and in the hunt for 10 losses.  Hats off to the Silver and Blacked Out. 

COLTS 11,  CARDINALS 589

Boy, the Clots sure can play a crummy game when they put their minds off it, huh?  Up, down, up , down.  You know what song to cue up.

It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that -  PARITY!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Atlanta                2-9          227-309

Minnesota            2-8-1       266-346

Tampa Bay           3-8          211-258

Washington          3-7          246-311

NY Giants             4-7          213-280

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-9         199-289
Jacksonville         2-9         142-324

Cleveland             4-7         203-265

Buffalo                 4-7         236-273

Raiders                 4-7         213-269

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the BASEMENT!!!

Doormat Division: NFL Week Five Wrap-Up and Disposal

Doormat Division:  Week 5 

 Know What You’re Made Of

There’s no getting around it-  Week 5 in the NFL identifies who is going up and who is going down, and who’s Beefalo is cooked.  And to make room for that happy meal, I’ve cleared off the coffee table (ok it’s a palette we stole out of the Safeway dumpster) here in the Basement for the most chewed up team in sports, the Buffalo Nils!

THE STANDINGS

AFC

Cleveland Browns   0-5

Jacksonville Jags     1-4

Tennessee Titans     1-4

Kansas City Chiefs  1-4

Oakland Raiders      1-3

NFC

New Orleans Aints    1-4

Carolina Panthers      1-4

Detroit Lions             1-3

Tampa Bay Bucs       1-3

Washinton Redskins  2-3

 Stick a Fork in ‘em- They’re Done!

BLOW-OUT OF THE WEEK

49ers  45,  Bills  3

In the last 2 games, the Buffalo Nils have given up 97 points,  1201 yards,  two +300 yard passing games, three 100-yard games to running backs and four 100-yard games to receivers.  Alex Smith chalked up a 156.2 passer rating, 2.1 shy of a perfect game.  The Nils defense is so porous, they’re going to start marketing a commemorative sponge.   It was the first time EVER that an offense in the NFL went over 300 yards passing and 300 yards rushing.  EVER.  That means since the beginning of time.  Think of the vast expanses of space, expanding outward, in search of a linebacker.  

But things are looking up for the Nils here in the Basement.  Instead of their usual 400 useless yards of offense, they hunkered down and crossed the finish line with 10 first downs and a Doormat acceptable 204 yards.   Harvard beard Ryan Fitzpatrick chalked up only one interception (I thought he’d get a pick-6 for sure) to stay in 3^rd for the Interception King race.

They may be only 2-3, but with their two ‘wins’ being against KC and Cleveland, maybe it’s time to fold the tent and follow the herd.  The Nils continue their  NFC West Annihilation Tour next week in Arizona.

Stiff of the Week

CHEERING IN KC!!

RAVENS 9, CHIEFS 6

How fed up are the nice people in the Midwestern village of Kansas City?  They serenaded Matt Cassell with cheers as he was carted off the field- not because they were glad he was OK, but because he was out of the game, and Doormat All-Star Brady Quinn could come in and…nail down the loss. 

Not since 1980 when Dan Pastorini broke his leg for the 2-2 Oakland Raiders has a crowd been happier to see a QB get the hell off the field.  The difference is the Raiders had supposedly washed-up Jim Plunkett, everybody’s favorite football playing Native American (sorry Jim Thorpe), pacing the sideline, itchin’ to start throwing deep into triple coverage that always came up gold.  The rest is history- the Raiders stampeded through the schedule and won the Super Bowl.  

So, same for KC, right?  Uh, NO.  Sam Cassell came up with 4 turnovers yesterday (2x2), grabbed a tie for the INT King lead (9) and…you know, this game was on the tube.  It was truly funny to watch the Cheaps bungle one red zone opportunity after another.  First and goal at the 7 turned into first and goal at the 20. This is prime Doormat hard reverse football.   This is the only team in the league (well, maybe the Jags, too) that can be behind 9-3 and it looks like 41-0.  You’re just SURE they won’t take advantage of any opportunity.  And they don’t.

I don’t like to see a guy get cheered for getting hurt- OK, yes I was one of those people screaming for Pastorini’s head back in the day- but everybody already knew Plunkett was hot, as he’d been phenomenal in the preseason.  Brady Quinn is not the answer, folks.  Well, yes he is- for a chance to win the Moldy Carpet- but he’s got some big shoes to fill in KC.

Chiefs 1-4 and sinking fast in the AFC West.  Next up, Doormat challenges Tampa Bay and the Raydurz.   By the way, Pastorini took the Oilers to the 1979 AFC Championship game, once had Farah Fawcett call HIM up and ask him out, and he took up drag racing after exiting football.  Also on his resume is a long, protracted legal battle with ex-Raiders owner Al Davis- which makes him a true Raider. 

UPSET OF THE WEEK

COLTS 30,  MEATPACKERS 27

I called this one, and I wasn’t even thinking about fallen coach Chuck Pagano, sick in the hospital with leukemia.   The Colts have one of the most competitive guys in the world, Andrew Luck, and an accurate arm to go with it, and the Packers have a lousy defense.

A really spirited game from a team that won the Moldy Carpet last year, and we love to celebrate when one of our doormats rise up and clock the big guys.  Spike that spheroid, Andrew!!

 The Colts may still have a circus in the defensive backfield, but it was no match for the Packer’s.  Colts pull to 2-2 and are out on the patio here in the Basement, saying goodbye, making room for the green and yellow dudes getting off the bus.  Let’s see if they actually leave.   

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

BEARS 41 JAGUARS 3

Yep, the Jags just keep on losing.  They aren’t getting the headlines, even after getting blown out at home, but they are on the job.  Forcing just one punt, the Jags have trouble finding the field and another day of professional losing is in the books.  Bears get 501 yards, Jags 189.  One more game before coaches start getting fired around the league.   However, Mike Mularkey is in his first season with the Gaguars, so, the drive to the Moldy Carpet will continue all year long.   The Jags lead the Doormat with 3 sacks, and they have a good reason for not blitzing- they get burned every time.   Yesterday the only time Jay Cutler gained more than 10 yards on a pass was when the Gags blitzed, and twice he racked up TD passes. 

The Gags have had their miracle win this year (the Colts game).   We have to put up with them on the barcalounger during the bye-week, but then the Raiders will be putting out the red carpet for them in Week 7, so the Gags will have their mettle tested if they want the Moldy Carpet to come home to Jacksonville.

SEAHAWKS 16, PANTHERS 12

Cam Newton dispenses with excitement and racks up 108 yards of passing.

The entire NFC West has a winning record.  Good grief.

DOLPHINS 17, BENGALS 13

Miami offensive line keeps the Bungles off QB Ryan Tannehill’s back, and he responds with zero interceptions and the win in Cincinnati.  Is that Bunglonian Fog I see?

VIKINGS 30,  TITANS 7

The Titanics do it all, bone-head penalties, turnovers, anemic running game, and an antique at QB.  Done and Done.  1-4 in the Doormat and a solid challenger.

AINTS 31,  CHARGERS 24

Yours truly called this one, too- the Saints finally put one in the win column, with Philip Rivers gift-wrapping two turnovers in the 4^th quarter to nail down the loss.

GIANTS 41, BROWNS 27

Our AFC leader, the Brownies (0-5) come out of the gate looking like a real NFL team, and then get all tired and stuff and the Giants whirl past them in a blaze of points.  Brownies: 3 turnovers, 10 penalties, 3-10 on 3^rd down, and QB Brandon Weeden in 1^st place tie with 9 interceptions.

WEEK 5 WORST NFL STATS!

There’s one more game to play tonight, and the Jets just about swept the stats last week, so these are temporary:

POINTS:  3            Cardinals,  Bills

Yards allowed:  621   Bills

Off. Yards: 189    Jaguars

Passing:  108          Panthers

Rushing: 53           Saints

Turnovers:  4         Chiefs

Fumbles lost:  3     Broncos

INT:  2                  Chiefs, Bengals, Browns, Vikings, Jags, Seahawks,

Sacked:   9-52        Cardinals

Punts:  7                 Cards, Rams, Packers, Panthers

3^rd down conv. :  1-9   Redskins

Penalties:  10-99            Saints  (Steelers, 9-106)

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: THE WORST OF THE NFL WEEK 3

RAGNAROK IN MINNEAPOLIS!!!!!

VIKINGS 24,  49ers  13

Ragnar was shaking the hands of the vanquished yesterday, and the gloating was never better.   Crowned the best team in the NFL by just about everybody last week, the 49ers waltz into MALL of AMERICA Field and get MAULED by supposedly the worst team in the NFC Central, the Minnesota Yikings.  

The Niners turn it over 3 times, the replacement officials make the Doormat proud as usual, and the Yikes do the smart thing early- rush Alex Smith right up the middle.   The Yikes make no turnovers, and the game was over as soon as the 49ers started believing the hype, which was probably last Tuesday.  Christian Ponder looked very sharp.

The Vikings always play the 49ers tough, and this was no exception.  The Vikes just barely lost their first two games, and now it looks like Detroit has to worry about staying out of the basement.  Let’s see what happens when divisional play starts up.

Hats off and a can of stale PBR raised sorta high to the Minnesota Vikings for pulling off the Upset of the Week!!   Enjoy it, Minnesota, who knows when you will win again?

GAME OF THE WEEK

JAGUARS 22,  COLTS 17

 OK, that’s enough of that winning stuff.   Yesterday’s tilt in Indy was the marquee Doormat game.  It didn’t disappoint. Let’s cut to the second half, where the wheels came off, with the Dolts leading 14-3.

 The Gaguars tried valiantly to keep the scoring to field goals only, but the Dolts secondary counters with a total lack of communication, busting Maurice Jones-Drew free for a 59-yard jaunt in the third quarter.  TD!  The Dolts respond with an interception from Andrew Luck- he’s starting to get the hang of those- and the Jags mortar-fire in a 47 yard prayer of a FG to make it 14-13, still managing to keep the Dolts in the lead.  

Undaunted, the Dolts punt immediately.  As the 3^rd quarter wanes, the Gags start a ‘drive’ on their own 15, and the Dolts pull a 3-penalty defense, hauling the Gags butts over the 50-yard line and deep into Dolts territory.  The Gags counter with their own penalty, but it was no match for the Dolts strategy.   The Gags finally dig in their heels and stop the drive at the Indy 8.   They have no choice but to kick the field goal and TAKE THE LEAD,  16-14.   

The Gags then counter with some porous defense, and a perfectly timed Unnecessary Roughness yellow hanky, landing the Dolts way down at the Gags 22.   3 inept plays later, the Dolts line up for a field goal, but it’s dangerously close, so they take the Delay of Game penalty, and Vinatieri has enough room to shank the damn thing into the locker room tunnel.    Whew!  Gags still up 16-14.

Then, 3 hard fought punts later, the Gags open up a lane for Luck and D. Brown scampers down to the Jacksonville 28.  Only 1:33 left.   The Gags use up every single timeout, trying to look earnest, and guide the Dolts down to the 19, and no delay of game shenanigans this time from Indy (you can’t do that twice it’s too obvious), and Vinatieri trys to shank it, but connects and the ball just scrapes past the left upright. 

Dolts 17- Gags 16.  

Fifty-six seconds left and no timeouts.  Game over right?  Not even close.   The Dolts have the secret weapon- their circus of a defensive secondary.  Only these guys can ‘lose track’ of a short crossing route and turn it into the longest play of the game.  Blaine Gabbert dumps a shorty over the middle to Cecil Shorts III, and Shorts has no place to go but ALL THE WAY.    Gags blow the 2-point conversion, dangling the tantalizing chance of still losing right there for everyone to gawk at.  Gags 22- Dolts 17

45 ticks left.   The Gags show what their made of on the kick-off, getting the Dolts out to the Indy 38.  Luck then makes a desperate heave that connects all the way down to the Gags 26.   Just think, if Vinatieri had made that earlier field goal, all they gotta do is try another.  What planning.  Instead, Luck gets to try his first consecutive NFL Hail-Marys, all for nought, and the Dolts nail down the loss.

WHAT A GAME!!

TOTAL STINKER

CHARGERS 3,  FALCONS 27

 The Chargers check in with the #1 Doormat performance of the week, even if they are 2-1.  Hey, it’s early yet.  Give them time.   4 turnovers (2 and 2) and that just killed any sort of momentum at all.  Why punt when you can just give it back!  When did Philip Rivers start randomly yelling at people, do you suppose?  Imagine him tailgating you on the freeway.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

CHIEFS 27, SAINTS 24  (OT)

 New Orleans turns in the best Come From Ahead Loss we've seen in ages.  Leading 24-6 late in the 3rd quarter, the Aints start the comeback by getting Jamaal Charles (288 yards rushing) to streak down the field on a 91-yard romp.  Then the Cheaps do it the cheapest way possible, by adding on 3 field goals and a SAFETY.  Good Grief!!  The Aints (0-3!!!!) get only 14 first downs,  punt 6 times (ok it’s not Brownie numbers, but still),  amass a meager 288 yards, and show some serious hospitality to the Cheaps, giving them 510 yards of rug.  In OT, the Aints score a touchdown on a fumble return, but the call gets reversed and KC kicks a field goal and the AINTS are the only winless team in the NFC.   Next loss:  at Green Bay.  Desperation time.   

BEARS 23,  RAMS 6

 Lambs QB Sam Bradford throws 35 times, gets intercepted twice (one for a TD),  sacked six, and piles up an impressive 101 yards.  Chicago counters with 1 offensive touchdown and a pile of field goals.  They are no match for the Lambs losing machine.  Lambs clean UP in the statistical categories this week (see below.)

CARDINALS 27,  EAGLES 6

 The Crudinals, picked by many to be the class of the Doormat NFC teams, are 3-0 and in first in the NFC West.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are 2-1 but I dunno, man.   Michael Vick can really do the killer fumble, and he’s on pace to set a record if he keeps this up.   He loses two more yesterday, and, once again, the Eagles don’t play up to their expected potential.  Maybe they need to dial it down a little.  

The last time the Crudinals were 3-0, Jim Hart was QB, Terry Metcalf was at RB and Mel Gray was going long. 

 TITANS 44,  LIONS 41  (OT)

These teams combined for 46 points in the 4^th quarter yesterday.  That’s insane.  This morning, they are both 1-2 and looking like candidates to get blown out by the good teams.   The Lions are finding creative ways to lose.  They have a porous defense.  They dig holes and have to climb out of them.   The Kittens pile up 583 yards of offense, and lose.   Tennessee punted ONCE.

BILLS 24,  BROWNS  14

 The Brownies were in this game.  But they weren’t going to let the Nils break the streak.   Rookie Brandon Weeden checks in with 2 more INTs, bringing him to 6 for the season against 3 TDs.   That’s Doormat all-star numbers.  Eight punts for the Brownies.  Ball goes up….ball goes down…ball goes up…   Next loss:  Thursday in Baltimore.

RAIDERS 34,   STEELERS 31

 Raydurzz get up off the mat, and with the Black Hole screaming like crazy, and the game inexplicably on TV locally, the Silver and Black avert going down the Black Hole for the rest of the season.  Stay tuned.

COWBOYS 16, BUCANNEERS 10

 The Bootineers might have the worst offense in the league.  12 first downs,  166 total yards.  Get out the orange unis!!  December 23^rd-  Lambs vs. Boots.  Could decide the whole Moldy Carpet for the NFC. 

JETS 23,  DOLPHINS  (OT)

 Was every game in overtime yesterday?   The Floppers were up against it yesterday, as the Jets-Bills-Flops battle in the east is going to make it tough to lose a ton.  But they still got it done.  Now they have to worry about New England, who pulled out another loss yesterday.

BENGALS 38, REDSKINS 31        

 The last time the Deadskins were 1-2 this early in the season was…2010.  Even with RGB III in there, the Deadskins are showing consistency.   Bungles 2-1.  They went 9-7 last year.  They haven’t had two straight winning seasons since 1980-81.  I kid you not.  They have a LONG way to go.

THE WORST STATS NFL WEEK 3 2012

Points:                        3                        Chargers

First downs:            12                        Rams,  Bucs

Total yards:            160                        Rams

Rush:                        33                        Brownies

Pass:                        91                        Bucs

Turnovers:            4                        Chargers

Sacked:            6                        Rams, Reddskins

Punts:                        8                        Browns, Bucs, Redskins

Penalties:            14                        Ravens (and they WON)

Time of poss:            23:45                        Raiders (edging the Chargers by 1 second).

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!           

NFL Doormats...as the Turkey Spins

Crudinals hope to use the sneak crawl -between-their-legs-and-score-a-touchdown play against the Lambs

The Gaguars, Yikings, and Pansies don't play this week. So not a lot of doormat action, but there are some great turkeys to see in Week 9 as we have some can't miss Doormat match ups among the worst teams in the NFL.

But before we get to the spinning turkey, here is a quick look at one of the greatest Doormat teams of all time. the 1933 Cincinnati Reds (that's football Reds, but they were so bad it may have been the baseball team having some fun and getting their teeth removed on the cheap in the off-season). In 1933 the Reds scored 38 points in 10 games (tying them for second with Detroit for the all-time low-scoring complete season). However, in 1934 the Reds only scored 10 points in 8 games before the NFL asked them to leave the league because they were so bad (and the owners were so crooked).  To get some perspective, the St. Louis Lambs have managed 87 points in seven games (but 31 on them last week), and the Jacksonville Jaguars have mustered 98 points in 8 games (9 times better than the Reds).  So the Reds really were about as Doormat as you can get.

But now it's time for our current Doormats predictions for Week 9 as the Worst of the NFL continue their quest for the Moldy Carpet. OK, Don, spin the frozen turkey:

Seahags- 8
Cowpies- 16
(This may be the doormat game of the week)

Dolts- 13
Falcons- 28
(Peyton wants back on the field, but not this week)

Floppers-21
Cheeps-18
(Actually, this might be the doormat game of the week and the Floppers finally get a W)

Brownies- 28
Texans- 14

Bungles- 10
Titanics- 31

Buncos- 7
Raydurz- 21

Lambs- 3
Crudinals- 14
(OK, never mind, this is definitely the doormat game of the week.)

Though the turkey spun to the Crudinals, I have to say, I believe the Lambs will ride the wave started last week and soak the Crudinals in Arizona.

The oracle from the basement has spoken. Gentlemen, post your predictions!