WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PERFECT SEASON PARADE PLANS!!!

PERFECT SEASON PARADE PRESERVED!!

SOME PERSPECTIVE

Director John Waters once said:  "When I say action, you pick up that poodle poop and eat it."  Wait, that's not the right quote...here:  "I used to play "school" as a kid with the little girl who lived next door, and I was always the teacher and she was always the student.  Every time we played I failed her, yet she still eagerly agreed to play every time I asked, fully knowing the results. Failing can be a relief for some. A sexual position. A way of life. A choice. Some kind of happiness the never lets you down."  

Is this it, Doormat fans?  Cleveland?  Colts?  Cincinnati?  We gotta find some kinda something here in the Basement.  We gotta be able to count on our guys.  Fill the Blank Helmet chips bowl, and fish out the stale salsa from the back of the fridge.  It's our turn.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 14

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-11         199       321    -122

SANTA CLARA         3-10         228      314     -86

CHICAGO                 4-9           224      274      -50

TAMPA BAY              4-9           264      312     -48
WASHBINGTON       5-8          285      344      -59

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-13        197      335      -138
INDIANAPOLIS         3-10        212     343      -131
DENVER                    4-9          229      315      -86
HOUSTON                 4-9          312      335      -23
CINCINNATI               5-8          226      271      -45
NY JETS                    5-8          266      311      -45       

THE GAMES

GAME OF THE YEAR

BROWNS 21, PACKERS 27 (OT)

Faced with the most difficult challenge of the season, the Cleveland Browns brought home the Excedrin yesterday in Green Bay, rallying from up 14 points in the 4th quarter (in what looked like a sure victory) to force a tie and then crisply blowing it in OT (a DeShone Kizer Hail Whoever interception on the 3rd play deeeep in their own territory), nailing down loss #13 and preserving the Perfect Season Parade, which cleared their $10,000 budget mark by getting a $7,000 bump from the nice people at Excedrin, who announced that they "feel your pain."  

They'd better be feeling it today, because that was the art of losing played like a Stradivarius in the hands of a frozen-fingered out of tune accordion busker on the corner of Lou Groza Blvd and Pearl St. outside Browns headquarters in Cleveland. May the swirling hot dog wrappers of disappointment settle upon your prostrate frame, providing thin cover from the cold, as you stare up into the gray sky, wondering what you ever did to deserve this...being a Browns fan. 

It was a bizarre game, all right.  Brownout fans were subjected to THREE long touchdown drives, the first time all season they've had to survive this sort of production, with the suspense of the anticipated turnover after about 5 plays causing brain aneurysms all over the Cleveland area. But no- the Browns just kept scoring. But from great heights comes vertigo and the defense stepped in where the offense couldn't, and just ran out of gas, and 20 points never looked so easy to give up. It was killer.

Hats off to the entire Browns organization on this one, and all that's left is the Bears on Christmas Eve, the last serious challenge to the Perfect Season.  The Parade?- Jan. 6th, Browns sufferers, is the date to pull yourselves up off the concrete, put on every inch of brown and orange you have, and join the procession that will be the Perfect Season Parade.  It's your only hope.  

***********************************

The Perfect Season Parade is real, BTW- here's where you too can donate:

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-20

All proceeds, should the Browns win a game, will go to the Cleveland Food Bank, which is what they did last year after the Browns beat the Chargers for their only win.  Kind of makes one want to root for the Brownies to win just one, no?  Make a donation.  

BATTLE FOR THE ORANGE 

BENGALS 7,  BEARS 33

In our Orange You Bad division big game yesterday, it was no contest, as the Bungles out-oranged the Bears beyond all dimension, and blew, and I say blew the Bears off the field and into the win column. After last Monday's brawl vs. the Steelers, the Bengals had to field the video simulation squad, dressed to look like a defense. The Bears had no chance against this, and piled up the most points they've had all year. Andy Dalton and the Bungle offense chipped in an early touchdown and retired to the sidelines for the remainder. 

The Bengals have 3 games to go, and if they pull the plug on the roster and ice everybody down now, which looks like a good bet, they'll make the 10-loss club and be back in the Basement for a long, long loooooong winter.

BLIZZARD BALL!!!!

COLTS 7, BILLS 13

When the first possession of the game ends on downs, and punting seems like a dubious thing to try, you know you are in for a helluva game. Now, if only the Buffalo Bills can dial up a foot and a half of snow for every remaining game, they'll make the playoffs.  As long as nobody can see which way the goalposts are, and your cleats turn into snowballs if you run more than 5 feet, the Bills have a shot. 

Locked in a invisible snowball fight with the Colts for Doormat icebox supremacy,  the Nils unveiled their deep-freeze secret weapon: No, not the snow plow- 3rd string QB Joe Webb!  Joe, where ya been?  After QB Nathan Peterman- clearly cooled off from his blazing 5-interception debut a few weeks ago- disappeared in a snow drift on the sideline, the elusive Webb entered the fray and completed 2 passes.  But he only needed one. Rolling right, Webb uncorked a  34-yard flotation device in overtime to what may have been Deonte Thompson's arms sticking up out of the snow, setting up the game winning 21-yard non-slip demonstration by LeSean McCoy into what appeared to be an end zone to...WIN A GAME.  

The Clots, with Denver's win yesterday, move into sole possession of second place in the AFC Doormat.  

49ERS 26, TEXANS 16

He's Italian!  If you squint real hard, his #10 looks like #16.  He doesn't look nearly dorky or unlikely enough, but 49er fans don't care!  He's the new Joe Montana!! They're going to the Super Bow-  

Wait a minute. The Texans- they should decide on a pass defense that follows receivers and stuff. And maybe don't have defensive ends running 20 yards downfield in pass coverage.  Probably a bad idea. The 49ers sure aren't going to lose many more contests if they have QB Jimmy Garoppolo piling up 300-yard games. This is no way to stay with the Giants, that's for sure.  

The Texans, at 4-9, have the Jags, Steelers and Colts left to get at least one more huge L and make the 10-Club. Says here they do it. The Whiners still have the Titans, Jags and Rams left on the to-do list, so they can still lose the next 3, though the Titans are the shakiest 8-5 team in the league.  But, let's face it, Jimmy G guy may not be Joe Cool, but he's a real QB. Doormats don't have real QBs.  A ray of happiness descends on the Red and Gold Faithful.  

GIANTS 10, COWBOYS 30

Not even a hated rival in a long long rivalry can get the Flailing Giants into any sort of danger of winning.  But it's not a lock, yet- the 49ers are playing playoff teams for the last 3 games, and the Flailers get the Eagles with no Carson Wentz, and then the Cardinals and the Skins, so...they have to be just hitting the hot tub and trying not to get injured at this point, right?  There's nobody even at the helm.  

EAGLES 43, RAMS 35

Yeah, I know they aren't Doormats anymore, and kind of never were, but losing Carson Wentz for the rest of the season and playoffs really hurts, man.  That game yesterday was just flat out fun, and now...poof. 

JETS 0,  BRONCOS 23

Riding an 8-game losing streak, the Broncos run into a buzzsaw of futility, and get spit out into the win column by the Basement-ready New York Jets. The Nyets uncorked a 6-first down masterpiece of nothing: 100 total yards and 8 punts of a magic disappearing act by the offense, and the defense ran out of oxygen just running their competitive flab out onto the field from the locker room into the thin air of Denver. Wheeze.

Jets move to within a game of the Broncos, and are slouching towards the 10-club.

Sorry to see QB Josh McCown, who has had the best year of his career, get knocked out for the season with a hand injury. The Jets are close to being Parity Promising, but just zero-out every coupla games and lose like they mean it.  

RAIDERS 15, CHIEFS 26

I know this is a Parity game, but the Silver and Blacked Out looked so bad, in a game that was huuuuuge. Whoa. Raider QB Derek Carr just keeps waiting until later and later to start playing ball. Pretty soon, he'll finally be on his game in the after-game press conference. 

In fact, I think he was yesterday. Starting games like you have no idea how to get downfield is a top-down planning thing, so hat's off to the Raider coaching staff for this bomb.

TITANS 7, CARDINALS 12

The Titans are 8-5 and in the playoff sniff, but you'd never know it watching this one.  Doormat All-Star Blaine Gabbert is steering the Cardinal van, and he's doing a good job of keeping it out of the end zone, but 4 field goals still hangs a W on your scorecard when the Titans shut it down like they did yesterday.  Ka-lunk!

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is a not a done deal yet, fans.  The Browns gotta cash in two more losses to lock it down, as the Giants show no sign of letting up.  

aaaAAAAAND That's the View From the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!

WEEK 9 WRAP-UP and ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS!!

O-fer-Niners!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK NINE

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-9           143      239     -96

NY GIANTS               1-7           129      207     -78

TAMPA BAY              2-6           158      198     -40

CHICAGO                 3-5            134     171     -37

DETROIT                  3-4            176     169     +7

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-8          119      202      -83
INDIANAPOLIS         3-5          162      260      -98

CINCINNATI              3-5          129      158      -29

DENVER                    3-5          150     198       -48

LA CHARGERS         3-5          150     152       -2

HOUSTON                 3-5           229     208       +21

TOP OF THE HEAP

49ERS 10, CARDINALS 20

You know, if you look at Whiner QB C.J. Beathard's name right, it all makes sense. 

 Separate the 't' and the 'h' and you get 5 sacks, 16 hits, flurries of hurries and...new QB acquisition Jimmy "Chisel Chin" Garoppolo got a real close look at the 49er offensive strategy yesterday, and what really must have impressed him was, even though Beat-hard is a human punching bag, when he does get time to throw, he has a wide array of receivers ready to drop any pass thrown, any time, however accurate. These guys are wearing clown gloves. But, really, when the O-line is so porous that the ineffective running back blocking gets to shine almost every play, why would you even EXPECT to get a pass thrown anywhere near you?  It's just a lot to ask.

The O-fer-Niners are now the first team to 0-9, as the Browns could not keep pace yesterday, because they weren't allowed on a field. Enjoy it while you can, Whine-boys, because next week the NY Giants (1-7), come to the Most Expensive Empty Stadium in football, and, believe you-me, the Giants are not leaving until they get another loss in the bag. BE THERE.

BLOW OUT OF THE WEAK and ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS!

GIANTS 17,  RAMS 51
What a two-fer!  Giants coach Ben McAdoo craftily suspended top DB (Janoris Jenkins) this week and the team responded by getting Ram's QB Jared Goff career highs in yards (311) and TDs (4). The rest of the team picked up on the spirit of the thing, and got Jimmy Hoffa'd (buried in their own stadium) 51-17.  Last time they got shellacked like that? 52-21 in 1964 against the...Cleveland Browns, the last time the Browns won a game. Or so it seems. This game was truly a changing of the guard.

Now, please rise and remove your Doormat Team cap of your choice, raise a dented can of your favorite minty beverage and give a lusty cheer for the exit of one our longest standing members, The LOS ANGELES LAMBS!  Holy God of Mercy, they're GONE. Without a winning season since 2003, the Lambs have the blue and white helmets back on, and look...they look great. They're having fun, and there are tears of joy in the stands.  Though only 6-2, and the requisite is you have to guarantee an minimum 8-8 finish, these guys are not coming back this year.  Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!

THE OTHER BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BRONCOS 23, EAGLES 51
Well, here's your second half of the season team that won't be anywhere near a mile-high in altitude any time soon.  The Chargers may have a rough time finishing last in their own division, at this rate.  The Buncos are now in rotating mediocre QB mode. Spinning slowly in the Rocky Mountain breeze....brr.

TEXANS 14, COLTS 20
The Indiapopolopolis Colts, supposedly the worst team in the league, now have 3 victories, and are 3 whole games behind the Browns for the AFC Doormat crown.  The Moldy Carpet Trophy...fading hopes.  Now that starting Texan QB Deshaun Watson is on the sideline, the Toxins don't have to listen to fan complaints about how they aren't using him right. They can toss someone far less talented out there and get back to losing to anybody on any given Sunday. Watch for the Texans to finish lower on the totem pole than the Colts in the AFC South.

OHIO PRIDE

BENGALS 7, JAGUARS 23
Well, if the Browns aren't playing, an Ohio team has to pick up the Orange Banner, and wave it...vigorously.  And open the windows, whew!   8 first downs, 148 total yards, 7 punts, multiple fights, a couple chokeholds and our FIRST team under 20 minutes possession time this year - 19:46!!!  It was way messier than a Browns loss, but not everyone can be so professional. Way to step UP, Bungles!

BUCCANEERS 10, SAINTS 30
The Bucs (2-6) brought their fascinating train wreck to the Big Easy yesterday, and I hope their fans found a good oyster po' boy sandwich somewhere in town, and a decent mint julep with an excellent shot of bourbon in it. The Bucs though, man they looked like they had 7 or 8 Hurricanes the night before, each with a more absurd straw as the night wore on. Oh well, another bunch of green horn tourists that can't find a real jazz club OR the end zone. Put it in a go-cup and head back to Florida.

DOLPHINS 24, RAIDERS 27
During this game last night the red phone rang, and it was, of course, our Commissioner on the line. He had a few thoughts:  1) Raiders receiver Amari Cooper, who apparently can't catch a pass, but can catch a grounder (onside kick), should switch over to playing SS for the A's. After all, he's familiar with the infield.  2) The Raiders have talent, but no focus.  They may yet still be with us in the Basement come January.  3) Can we find out how many penalties the Raiders have in their playbook?  4) Miami is not much of anything but an opponent every Sunday.

And, there you have it- the goal of half the league in the NFL is to be...an opponent on Sunday. Might as well wear hideous all-teal uniforms and live in Parity, because once the playoffs show up, your best shot is to be that team that 'has no business' being in the playoffs. But you see- they DO. They represent the majority interest in the league (and, often the Doormat Division as well), and deserve a seat at the table in January, however brief. They are the fatted calf of the playoffs!  Sacrifice is the spice of life.

TONIGHT:  LIONS AT PACKERS
The Porkers have had a whole week off to dis-prepare for this entry attempt into our league. Let's see what they can not do tonight against the often-accommodating Kittens, another team teetering on making the Bears relevant. The NFC North, the division bent on making the Vikings winners.


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

From Doormat to Contender

Every year, all teams are hopeful. I think if the Carolina Panthers had had this cheerleader give them a pep talk before each game, or maybe just strike this pose, they would have run through a wall for her.

And now let's go from DOORMAT TO CONTENDER. 1. After 300 years of losing, the first step to becoming a contender is to beat all those teams you used to hang out with. You let them know you’ve moved to a new neighborhood. Next you actually rise up and clock teams that have winning records, and put that seed of doubt in their minds about the playoffs, should they see you again.

Which of our new playoff teams have done this?

Detroit Lions (10-6)

First appearance in playoffs since 1999

Beat Doormats? Yes. Vikings (2), Bucs, Panthers, Cheaps

Beat Winners? NO.

Other victories: 8-8 Club- Bears, Raiders, Chargers, Broncos, Cowboys. All 8-8.

LOSSES: Saints, Packers (2), 49ers, Falcons, Bears. Basically, every playoff team and the Bears would have been one if Jay Cutler stays healthy (but would have counts for nothing in the NFL..or anywhere else).

Sayonara, Lions.

Denver Donky Bunco Bunks (8-8)

Sorry I just can’t help it.

First appearance in playoffs since 2005 (these guys are the 8-8 kings)

Beat Doormats? Yes. Cheaps, Chargers, Dolphins, Vikings.

Beat Winners? Yes. Bengals (it counts!)

Other Victories: 8-8 club: Jets, Chargers, Bears, Raiders.

Losses: Bills, Cheaps, Lions, Chargers, Packers, Titans, Raiders. That’s losing to a wide variety of teams.

Doesn’t look good. Need Miracle.

Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)

Last Playoff appearance: 2009 (won AFC North)

Beat Doormats? YES. Browns (2), Colts, Jaguars, Seahawks, Lambs, Bills.

Beat Winners? YES. Titans

Other Victories: 8-8 club- Cardinals

LOSSES: Broncos, 49ers, Ravens (2), Steelers (2), Texans

They lost by 1 point to the Texans. 1. They have a solid chance to win this time.

San Francisco 49ers (13-3)

Last playoff appearance: 2002

Beat Doormats? YES. Seahawks (2), Bucs, Browns, Redskins, Lambs (2)

Beat Winners? YES. Giants, Lions, Steelers, Bengals (ok, admittedly, these are 2 ex-doormats, but that’s crucial to establishing who belongs in the new neighborhood.)

Other Victories: 8-8 club: Eagles, Cardinals

Losses: Cowboys, Ravens, Cardinals

These guys belong in the new neighborhood. Still going to have rough time against Saints, if Saints beat Lions. If Lions win, then it is Giants-Falcons winner.

NFL Doormats Week 5 Predictions

Surely the Philadelphia Eagles will find a way to stay in the air and out of the cellar, but they sure do look like a doormat these days, especially because they have managed to mostly beat themselves like repentent monks slapping their heads with wooden boards with their sins engraved on them ("Fumbled in the Endzone," "Forgot to block anybody").

And this might be a turning point in history for the Eagles (Beagles? Sparrows? Eeekles?) because this week they get to play a team that is storming its way out of the basement, the Buffalo Nils. Can Vick lay a giant Eagle egg and throw for another 400 yards and lose again and look like a loser doing it? Or will the Eagles finally get off the ground and eat a mouse or two? Only an afternoon on the couch with nachos will tell.

And speaking of the couch, it's time to settle down on the old brown sofa with the beer stains, check the schedule, and make this week's NFL Week 5 predictions. No spinning turkey this week. The Oracle is going to be much more scientific. He's checking the odds in Vegas.

Cheaps- 18
Dolts- 21
Yes, the Dolts will finally win a game. If they don't, it's 0-5 and they really will be looking like a dark horse for the Moldy Carpet.

Crudinals- 2
Yikings- 3
Jeeze, I really can't predict this game. How bad can it get? This might be the best game of the week for the Doormat Division. Seriously, Yikes lose.

Seahags- 14
Giants- 36

Saints- 36
Pansies- 17

Bungles- 28
Gaguars- 31

Bolts- 21
Buncos- 10

And one other game this week, the Jets (Zepplins?) and the Patsies, this should be the top game of the week, in a perfect network NFL world, but these guys are both smelling a little ripe this year. I think these teams are starting to turn. No Doormat Division for these guys, but look for a really bad game here.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Doormat Division WEEK IV Wrap-up and Jettison

WHAT AT WEEKEND!! We’ve still got 4 teams with perfect records (winless), we’ve got someone new joining the party, and we’ve got our old standbys keepin’ it real. But let’s start off with a huge salute to the worst performance this year, and maybe for a while:

TEAM OF THE WEEK!!

Honors this week go to the NEW YORK JETS (Junks? Biplanes? Pipers?), as they turn in the stinker of the season while losing to 34-17 to the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes. It’s not even close. Look at these numbers: 7 first downs, 8 punts, 5 fumbles (3 lost), 1 Int, and 3 turnovers run back for touchdowns by the Ravens. 150 TOTAL yards.

The Jets fumbled on the first play from scrimmage which the Ravens scooped up and ran in. You just can’t play a whole lot worse, without scripting it. 9 penalties, 3.2 yards per pass. The only blemish on this performance is the kickoff return for a TD and an INT for a TD. That’s 5 TDs not scored by an offense. 1 TD on offense by the Ravens. I’ve actually never heard of a game like this. I wonder if there has ever been a game where all the points were scored on defense.

The Jets tried! Mark Sanchez has a Bungle-worthy game of epic proportions. Let’s not forget the Ravens got 7 turnovers out of the Steelers in Week I.

Whew!

COME FROM AHEAD

Cowpies 30, Lions 34

It’s weird to write LIONS, no?

As long as you have Tony Romo on your team, you can pull defeat from the jaws of victory on any given Sunday. Bonehead Tony does it again! With his team ahead 27-3, the prince of the Bonehead Forest throws it so hard into reverse, Jerry Jones got whiplash. TWO consectutive possessions- two INTs returned for TDs. And then, deep into the fourth quarter, Romo throws another INT to set up the final Detroit score.

Cowpies may be 2-2, but boy can they do Doormat when they get motivated.

Cheaps 22, Yikings 17

The crucial battle between winless Doormat powerhouses nearly hit paydirt on the Stiff-o-Meter, but were edged out by the Lambs- Deadskins for boredom. Technically, this game counts as a come-from-ahead, as the Yikes had a 10-9 lead in the 3^rd quarter. But it was a half-hearted effort on that score. But the Yikes came through as predicted, and pretty much slogged their way through the whole game. The Cheaps kick 5,000 field goals and win their first game. Who wants Andrew Luck more? Yikings do.

Crudinals 27, Giants 31

You know, I think we should have a lock-out shortened preseason every year, if we’re going to get defensive breakdowns like this all the time. Ahead 27-17 with 5:16 left in the game, the Crudinals whip out their Doormat membership card and pull off a come from ahead loss that would be amazing if there weren’t so many teams doing it. The Cruds can score, and that’s new. But whenever they switch to their Orange Cone pass defense, coupled with an increasing ability to get the crucial penalty call, they can still nail down the loss better than just about anyone in the NFC. Except for you-know-who. Look to the Arch.

0-fer-Niners 24, Beagles 23

Is this a changing of the guard Doormat game? The lowly Niners, showing clear signs of having inspired, level-headed coaching, and my isn’t that a shock around here, score 21 unanswered points in Philadelphia, rallying from oblivion, and send the Beagles to 1-3, while the O-fers rocket to 3-1 in the NFC Worst, which pretty much wraps up the divisional title. I can’t say ADIOS yet to the Niners, because…I just can’t. But can we give a warm beer welcome to the Beagles? They travel to Buffalo next week. Let’s wait one more game.

JUST PLAIN UN-UNBEATABLE

Lambs 10, Redskins 17

Remember when the Lambs were an up-and-coming team? Didn’t they go 8-8 last year and just miss the playoffs? No, they didn’t. They went 7-9 and got edged out by the team that thinks they are going to get Andrew Luck. Well, guess what, you Seahag pretenders to the Moldy Carpet? The pride of the Doormat Division the St. Louis Lambs, are on a ROLL. Stiff-of-the-Week honors goes to this game. A Punt-Fest of dueling losers! 20 first downs TOTAL. 15 punts, 19 penalties, six fumbles…whew, when did they find the time to get some Gatorade? Every time you think you can sit down for a moment and send some tweets, you gotta get back out on the field. Geez.

The Lambs open the game by punting on 7 of their first 8 drives, with a fumble tossed in, and that’s 3 quarters of football right there. Lambs QB Sam Bradford runs for his life all day, and fails- 7 sacks, a season high. Lambs scrape out 172 yards of total offense…totaled offense. Lambs 0-4 and heading into a bye week.

Floppers 16, Chargers 26

Miami is now 0-4 and really just plays bad enough to lose every game. They get a week off now, and this gives them a chance to systematize the method. They have tough losses to eek out against the Jets and Donkeys coming up.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bungles 23, Nils 20

That’s right, they’re the Nils this week. We didn’t predict the loss, but we sure knew going into Brown Pall Quagmire Stadium was going to be extremely difficult. A half-full-stadium, the quiet soporific effect of the trash blowing in the wind….it just makes you kinda sleepy you know? The Bungles pull to 2-2 on a last second field goal, and the Nils are reminded that the Bad Old Days aren’t over yet.

Pansies 29, Bears 34

I gave the Pansies the chance to have their first miracle finish game, as Capt. America is going to have a few. But not so fast. The Pansies are still the Pansies, and the only teams they are going to beat are Doormats, or the NY Jets. No matter how many points they score, the other team will be given more. It’s like a social program. Also, for all his heroics, Newton not doing well on 3^rd down- 2 for 12 on conversions.

Donkeys 23, Packers 49

And we’re right again on Blow Out of the Week. Not that it was hard to predict. I hope you Denver fans got your garages cleaned out and stuff. You team sure got cleaned out.

Seahags 28, Falcons 30

Seahags almost play a good game, but still nail down the loss.

Gags 10, Saints 23

Boredom in Jacksonville. Keep praying to those Fire Del Rio shrines, Gaguarians. Someday, your prayers will be answered.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 10 Lambs, Gags

First downs: 7 Jets

Yardage: 150 Jets

Rush 38 Jets

Pass 12 Jets

3^rd down con. 2-12 Pansies

Turnovers 4 Jets

Sacked 7 Lambs

Punts 8 Lambs

Penalties 11-118 Crudinals

The Doormat Division 2011 Week IV Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK IV PREVIEW

It’s been hot the last few days. It’s really best if it doesn’t get too warm down here in the basement. The carpet warms up and…maybe I’ll type this outside. There’s gotta be a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long extension cord around here somewhere. That sounds a lot like work. Maybe I’ll just light some early ‘60s incense- tobacco. That’ll cover up anything.

It’s Week IV, Doormat denizens, and if you can’t get on the losing bandwagon this week, you may be destined to another 7-9 year of parity and boredom. You either want to win big or lose big in this league. Kinda like our country these days. How come the NFL is interested in parity, anyway? What is this, SWEDEN???

Speaking of Scandahoovanians:

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

Yikings (0-3) at Cheaps (0-3)

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the Cheaps won something, and the Yikes…well, never mind. There are no good old days for the Yikings. Believe me, I KNOW. The Yikes bring their incredible 3 game Come From Ahead streak into Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, and it’s going to be tough loss to nail down. Why? The Cheaps, over their last 5 games, are averaging 8.8 points a game. They are LAST in the league in offense and defense. Until last week, the Cheaps hadn’t even scored in the second half.

So, pulling off a come from ahead is a TALL order for the Yikes, and most likely the streak will be broken. But not all is lost! The Cheaps did rally for 17 points last week, and didn’t nail down the loss until Matt Cassel hurled an INT late in the game. So, it could happen. And my brothers could ask me if I’ve written any songs lately, too.

The Yikes have won exactly ONCE in KC, in 1974. The Doormat wisdom: If you can’t hold a lead, don’t get one. The Yikes will be focused on maintaining the same level of play for the whole game, so to avoid pooping out in the 2^nd half yet again, they’ll pace themselves, and play like crap from the kickoff. In fact, they’ll play like crap on the bus coming down I-35. This should be decided by a field goal…in the second quarter. EDGE: YIKINGS

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Pansies (1-2) at Bears (1-2)

If the Bears can lose to Carolina, we’ll have to start recognizing them. We want to, but last year they made the playoffs (and looked like Doormat material in the final game). But this is the game. No more pussyfooting around. Pansy pass defense should make Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler look like Cam Newton, but it may not be enough. Pansies are really in danger of winning any game against another commie-pinko Parity Team. Cam Newton has not yet had a miracle finish game. Chances are… EDGE: BEARS

Falcons (1-2) at Seahags (1-2)

The Falcons can’t really have the same record as the Hags, right? Is that right?

That’ll change come Sunday. Lights out at Pork Link Field. EDGE: HAGS

COUNTDOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT

Saints (2-1) at Gaguars (1-2)

Every year it looks like the Gags are finally going to fire Jack del Rio, and then the team wins a flurry of games at the end of the season, and his sorry ass stays in Jacksonville. Who else fires their starting quarterback just before the season 2 years in a row? Nobody. You Gaguar fans with shrines and voo-doo dolls and fervent prayers asking for release from this land of morale stomping, and really truly unimaginative offense, your luck is turning. The Saints are bringing you some serious ju-ju, monkey hands, and gris-gris, just for you. But you still are in the serious hunt for the Moldy Carpet. EDGE: GAGUARS

Floppers (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Name the Miami coach. I dare you. Pretty soon you won’t have to. EDGE: FLOPPERS

THE REST OF THE PILE UP OF FUMBLING INEPTITUDE

Donkeys (1-2) at Packers (3-0)

Blowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwout of the Week. Denver fans, just pray that Tony Sparano (that’s his name!) keeps his job in Miami until at least Week VII. That’s your next shot at a victory. Clean your garage on Sunday, OK? EDGE: Donkeys

Deadskins (2-1) at Lambs (0-3)

The Lambs really are showing how it’s done. 8 years without a winning record is not something to be sniffed at. In fact, I’d stand back a couple yards. Averaging 1 touchdown and nearly 3 fumbles a game, the Lambs are scraping the bottom of the league in every catergory, except punts per game, a lowly 6.5. But the good old Bungle Axiom- A fumble is As Good as A Punt- applies here. Also, getting sacked 4 times a game ain’t chopped liver. Shockingly, the Deadskins are going to 3-1. EDGE: Lambs

Bills (3-0) at Bungles (1-2)

Uh-oh. The quagmire at Brown Pall Stadium looms at the Bills. “Don’t leave us,” the Bungles cry. The Bills better wear earplugs, because the siren song of the Moldy Carpet is very loud in Cincinnati. I’m not kidding on this, this game is the biggest test of the year for these guys. The Bungles’ defense is ranked 5^th, but they’ve played mediocrity incarnate so far this year, so the jury is…being selected for the various Bungles who are out on bond. EDGE: Bungles

Giants (2-1) at Crudinals (1-2)

The Giant come into We’re Not the University of Phoenix Cardinals stadium and pummel the Crud. The Crud have improved their situation. They have more TDs than INTs, less sacks, and have crept up to 27^th in the league in offense. The don’t give up a lot of points (but a TON of yardage), but look at their competition: Pansies, Deadskins, Seahags. They won’t beat anybody except a Doormat or maybe a commie-pinko Parity team. The Giants are not enough parity at this time. EDGE: CRUD

And finally on Monday night, another game of national embarrassment:

Dolts (0-3) at Bootineers (2-1)

Winning record aside, Boots QB Josh Freeman is still averaging more interceptions than TDs, so he’s not gone all winner on us yet. Kerry Collins has thrown only 1 interception. And that’s it for the superlatives! EDGE: DOLTS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!

NFL Week 4 Doormat Division Predictions

Yikings introduce new "on the knee"  formation

It's week 4 in the NFL and the basement denizens of the Doormat Division are still recovering from last week's epic displays of ineptitude and futility, not to mention the all-out head-first dives into the beer vat celebrating the exit of two teams from the basement: Buffalo and Detroit.

But now it's time for the Oracle from the Basement to speak again. We spin the frozen turkey and the headless neck points to these fateful scores. Gentlemen, make your predictions:

Pansie- 14
Care Bears- 10
(Yes, another mirage from last year, Chicago, will edge closer to the shadowy doorway to the basement. The surging Pansies just might push them down the steps)

Bills- 18
Bungles- 10

Titanics- 17
Brownies-13

Kittens- 36
Cowpies- 10

Yikings- 3
Cheeps- 0
(Stiff of the week)

Deadskins- 28
Lambs- 6

Ain'ts- 50
Gaguars-- 10

Giants- 18
Crudinals- 3

Patsiettes-21
Raydurz- 28

Buncos- 10
Packers- 36

Floppers- 10
Bolts- 18

Seahags-6
Falcons- 17

And that's how the turkey spins.....

Doormat Division: The First Five Games

Do they really put a "G" at the goal line? We get down there so seldom.

The Doormat Division: The First Five Games

Enough of the silly predictions, let’s talk turkey. In fact, let’s talk TURKEYS.

In preparation for our fantasy draft, let’s take a quick look at the first 5 games for every contender for the Moldy Carpet.

Keep in mind that the losingest team usually comes from a division that has at least 2 good teams in it, and the third can pull it together and have a game where they don’t turn it over 5 times and get penalized for 135 yards. Last year’s champ, the Pansies, came from just such a division. The NFC Worst, by contrast, just shot itself in the foot last year. Best they could come up with was 5-11 for worst record (Crudinals), and 7-9 won the division!! By contrast, the NFC North has Green Bay, a rejuvenated - let’s not get too excited- Lions, and the Bears can win with defense. That leaves the Yikings looking like a Moldy Carpet contender if they keep up what they started last year. Yikes could easily make 4-12. It won’t beat the Pansies, but it will at least put some heat on them.

In paranthesis is the team’s record after 5 games LAST YEAR

AFC

Cincinnati Bungles (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Brown Pall Stadium

The Bungles don’t play a good team until week 10. I’m not kidding.

First five: Brownies, Donkeys, 0-for-Niners, Nils, Gaguars!!

AFC North has two good teams- Ravens and Pittsburgh. Bungles actually beat the Ravens in week 2 last year, then beat the Pansies, then lost 10 straight.

Outlook: 1-4. season: 2-14

Long Range: Bungles have entire NFC Worst on schedule. It won’t help.

Cleveland Brownies (2010: 1-4)

stadium: Brownie Bake Sale Stadium

First 5: Bungles, Colts, Dolpins, Tennessee, Raydurz

Brownies beat Bunlges, Colts- with Manning, Brownies lose. Titans, total schizo team. Floppers- another up and down team. Rayudurz- that’s a W for Browns. LONG RANGE: Brownies get to play entire NFC Worst, too. It will help them.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 6-10

Indianapolis Dolts (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Leaking Oil Stadium

Are we jumping the gun, even talking about the Colts as Doormat potential? Of course, but like we said, without Manning, they’re toast. So, this may be a team someone grabs 5 games into season.

First five: Houston, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay, Kansas City Cheaps.

Outlook: without Manning? 1-4 with him: 4-1 Season: 5-11

Buffalo Nils (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Ralph! Hralph!

First Five: Kansas City, Oakland, New England, Cincinnati, Philadephia.

The preseason was a carbon copy of last year, defense kept them in games, but they lost anyway, and then about every 4^th game, they’d get 4 touchdowns and STILL lose. They led the league in close losses.

Outlook: 2-3 Season 4-12

I gotta say, the AFC West is the AFC Worst. Raydurz, Bunco-Donkeys and the Cheaps could ALL turn out to be terrible, thereby worsening their chances of winning the Moldy Carpet. Somebody has to win those head to head matchups.

Denver Bunco-Donkey-Dunks (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Sky High Authority

First five games: Raydurz, Bungles, Titans, Packers, Chargers

Who would have known after 5 games last year these guys were gonna take the AFC Doormat? Kyle Orton hangs onto his job. What a boon for Denver. Okay, Donks win game 1 on terrible call at goal line, squeak past Bungles in a stiff of the week, lose game 3 to Titans by way too large margin, get completely humiliated by the Packers, and then lose all hope against Chargers and then go on humongous slide.

Outlook: 2-3. Season: 5-11

Oakland Raydurz (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: O.co.O.o.co.oooo.OOOO Stadium

First Five: Denver, Buffalo, NY Jets, New England, Houston.

Raydurz finished 8-8 last year, and weren’t even allowed in the basement anymore. But, Al Davis went swiftly to work and fired the coach, and drafted nobody in particular. If this edition of the Silver and Blacked Out play like the preseason, they’re in the Moldy Carpet Hunt in a big way.

OUTLOOK: 0-5 Season: 2-14

Kansas City Cheaps (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium

First FIVE: Nils, Kittens, Chargers, Yikings, Colts

I’m still standing by my analysis that the Cheaps were last year’s biggest mirage.

The Cheaps played everybody in the NFC Worst last year, plus their own division twice. No wonder they faked their way to a 10-6 record. This year they have no such luck- they have to play the NFC North, with only the Yikings a reasonable victory.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 6-10

I am skipping assessments of the Titanics, Gaguars, and the Floppers, though at least one of these teams is going to lose 10. I don’t think any of them are Moldy Carpet material. Boy, could I be wrong.

I'll Be Back....with the NFC First Five. Gotta go boil some coffee on the grill....