ATHENS, Greece (DP)--It was buns-up football all day as the Eagles and Chiefs put on their own Clash of the Titans in a gloriously miserable football game that featured 18 punts, only 8 first downs, 7 turnovers--four of them by Michael Vic--and just two scores on offense. In the end, the Chiefs emerged as Doormat Champions, losing 17-14 to an Eagles team that, despite many golden opportunuties, just couldn't find a way to lose.
But before I get to the exciting game recap, I have to explain why it took so long to get this article finished. You see, this reporter never actually got to the game.
I was at the port of Piraeus, just 20 kilometers from Athens, catching some rays before the big game. I had heard that Greek women were generally on the gorgeous side, so I thought I might see some on the beach.
I did. They were.
Sitting at a nice little bar overlooking the beach, I started swilling ouzo with some Greek dudes who promptly challenged me, the American, to a drinking contest. I think I won as I don't remember much, but I did wake up around midnight on a yacht bound for Cyprus with Aetheos lying next to me on cushions on the observation deck. I guessed somehow I appealed to her; lots of bravery in that ouzo.
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| Aetheos |
Aetheos saw I was awake and rolled on top of me--not an unpleasant experience--and said, "I am so grateful you have agreed to save my father from his Turkish captors."
I wasn't feeling too good about the sound of that. After some halting conversation--her English was limited and my hangover was massive--I learned that I had claimed to be a soldier for hire and a personal friend of James Bond, and that I had concocted a plan to save her father from some nasty Turks. Atheos said she would be thinking of me always as they lowered a dingy with me, armed to the teeth, and a pilot into the choppy waters about one mile off the coast of Cyprus. Soon we were speeding toward some cliffs with a huge house perched on top. That, I was told, was where Aetheos' father was held captive.
But I digress. Back to the game.
The Chiefs took the opening kickoff and quarterback Matt Cassel wasted no time, throwing an interception on first down that was returned to the Chiefs' 7 yard line. By the way, Cassel and Quinn combined for 8 TDs and 20 interceptions this year. Not easy to throw more pics than TDs. That's real dedication to badness.
Eagles got 8 chances to score, thanks to two penalties by the Chiefs, and settled for a field goal. 3-0 Eagles.
The first quarter continued without incident, other than a few fights in the stands as 75,000 Greeks chugging Retsina, eating fried squid and olives, and expecting something exciting like a soccer game can get pretty antsy. The only highlight of the first quarter was a fumble by Michael Vic on his own 12-yard line. The Chiefs, however, were unable to convert, missing a TD on a 4th and 1.
The second quarter got more interesting because Chip Kelly and Andy Reid were in the stands together. While the punt fest continued to half time, Kelly told Reid he was sure that with some adjustments, Vic could get them to the Super Bowl in two years. Reid snorted, calling Vic a coach killer. Kelly and Reid got into a heated discussion which was spotted by Greek television and it was soon on the scoreboard video. A shotgun mike was pointed at the two just in time to hear Reid say, "You're gonna miss your webbed feet, Chip, and I can't wait to get Alex Smith to KC."
It was at that moment that Brady Quinn, who platooned with Cassel all day, threw a pic-6. It was 10-0 at half time.
Half time was pretty good--at least that is what I heard because I wasn't there--with a stunning display of Greek dancers. Which reminds me of Aetheos and my story. As we put to shore in the dingy, the pilot handed me an Mac-10, a pistol, and a K-bar knife and said, "Good luck. I'm getting out of here." And he was gone.
Well, I thought, this is interesting. Maybe I can just skirt the cliffs here and get around the rocks and escape this whole mess. But the tide was coming in. Soon I was clinging to some barnacled rocks with the surf pounding me, trying desperately to get to the beach and away from the house. A big wave tore me from the rocks and beat me into the cliffs. I lost consciousness.
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| Devara |
I woke up the next morning hand cuffed to a deck chair at the house on the cliffs with a Turkish woman staring at me. "I am Devara," she said. "The personal assistant for Mr. Aziz. And who the hell are you?"
I told her I was a sports writer for the Doormat Division.
"You are lying," she spat. "We found you lying on the beach with a machine gun. Atheos sent you, didn't she?"
"I never heard of her," I said.
"Her name is tattooed on your left buttock," she said matter-of-fact. "You are a spy."
"Wow," I thought, "I really was out of it." I told Devara my entire story. She pressed her left fist in her right palm, as if she were grinding something.
"What a silly story. You lie. You will tell me why she sent you or I will make you drink this." A bearded Turkish man stepped forward with a 16-oz. bottle of Turkish virgin olive oil. "We will not return her father until she turns over the recipe."
"Recipe?" I asked.
Devara hissed in disbelief. "You know Mr. Aziz and Mr. Kalachos, Aetheos' father, are hummus moguls vying for control of the Mediterranean hummus market. Mr. Kalachos has a recipe Mr Aziz desperately wants. You will get it for me or you will drink two of these." She tapped the bottle of oil with long, chocolate-colored nails. "Habak, make him drink."
But I digress again.
In the second half, the Eagles mounted two consecutive 80-yard drives both ending with a fumble by Michael Vic inside the 10-yard line. This time both rug balls resulted in a return for a touchdown by the Chiefs. Head coach Romeo Crennel was stunned. "Our offense hadn't crossed the 50-yard line all day, they were at the top of their Doormat game, and the defense blew it." It was 14-10 Chiefs going into the fourth quarter.
It settled into a game of field position, with the Chiefs using bad punts and penalties to back their way to the 22-yard line with just two minutes to go. Cassel tossed another pic to Kurt Coleman at the 35, who darted his way to the Chiefs' 18. The Eagles just had to hold onto the ball for 90 seconds to get the loss. Michael Vic threw two incomplete passes--ones that should have been caught but were brilliantly dropped--and then he fumbled again on third down. The Eagles were unable to cough up the ball and had to recover their own fumble. 4th and 6 on the 12, 30 seconds to go, losing 14-10, the Eagles called a time out.
The next play will go down in Doormat history. The Eagles chose to kick a field goal. Offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg reasoned they could eat more clock by kicking a field goal and then kicking off to the Chiefs. That would never leave enough time for the Chiefs to go 4 downs and turn the ball back to the Eagles. But Mornhinweg underestimated his own team. The kick was way low and glanced off the back of offensive tackle Allen Barbre. The ball pop-flied into the end zone where an exuberant Clay Harber (TE) scooped it up and spiked it in celebration of the loss. He did not realize he had actually recovered a live ball in the end zone. Touchdown Eagles! Eagles go ahead 17-14, with one of the most bizarre offensive touchdowns in Doormat history.
Reid, staring in disbelief at the team he was about to coach, said, "I have never seen this kind of inspired bumbling. In Philadelphia losing is institutionalized, Kansas City is a mystical team, as if any player who comes here is put under a spell. God help Alex Smith."
Chip Kelly agreed, adding, "The only thing Oregon and Philadelphia have in common is they have green helmets, and it's not even the same green. But Nike may help there as the only change I am making next year is for a new uniform design by Nike. It worked for the Ducks, it's gotta work here."
But I didn't actually see that. I didn't see the Chiefs get 215 offensive yards, 180 of them on defense, and I missed Michael Vic butter finger the ball for the better part of the game. Instead, I drank 36 ounces of olive oil while baking in the hot, Mediterranean sun. At that point I was so miserable I decided to tell them everything I didn't know and made up an entire story about the recipe and told them I knew where it was.
"You will take us to it," Devara sneered."Or Kalachos has a permanent accident."
I didn't really care about Kalachos, but putting an end to the olive oil and finding a bathroom was a priority. So I agreed. Maybe, I reasoned, somewhere along the way to Romania, I would find an escape.
That was how I wound up in Bucharest. I led Devara and two of her henchmen to an ancient shrine in the city (that I picked out on a map at random). "So, American pig, where?" she demanded. You would think an opportunity to slip away would have come up between Crete and Bucharest, but no. Desperate, I said, "I can't remember exactly, but it's behind a loose brick somewhere in the shrine. "Find it," she ordered.
I ran my hands over the bricks and, to my surprise, I found a loose one and pulled it out. Behind it was a key. Just my luck, I had found someone else's hiding place.
"Halt," a voice said. I turned and there was a Romanian police officer. "You are under arrest for defacing the shrine." She took the key from me and put me in handcuffs and stuffed me in her police car.
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| Romanian Officer Vanda |
As we drove away from the cursing Devara, the officer introduced herself as Vonda. "And you will be telling me why you were stealing that key. Who do you work for?"
"I am a sports writer for the Doormat Division," I said, wearily.
"Is that a division of the CIA?"
"No, the NFL."
"What is NFL? Are they linked to Al Queda?"
"No, ESPN mostly, but the big three networks carry them too."
"Ah, so you are working for a terrorist network? Who is your contact?"
"I don't have any contacts! I got drunk on the beach instead of going to a football game and woke up in a Greek boat in the middle of this mess! Please, just arrest me. At least I might be safe in jail."
"I am not police. I am Romanian Secret Service. And your story is lie. Your are American Al Queda sympathizer. I have been watching that key for two years. How did you find it? Who is your contact?"
A car slammed into us, driving us into a retaining wall. A woman toting a machine gun sprang from the other vehicle. She ordered us to get out. She took the key from Vanda, knocked her out, and shoved me into the car. Moments later we were speeding away from Vanda. My new captor smiled and said, "I am Rebecca. Lucky we had that shrine under surveillance today. Thank you for finding the key."
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| Rebecca |
"Uh, sure," I answered. "And you work for...?"
"I am Mossad. We have been watching Vanda and that shrine for a long time. When we get you to Israel you will be debriefed and you can tell us how you knew about the key."
"It was an accident."
"Yes, you have had many accidents. Maybe you will have more?"
Well, we did get to Israel, and I was tortured, er I mean intertrogated, er, I mean, they said to say I was debriefed, and the Mossad decided I really was a complete dufus who stumbled into the whole thing and did not know what the key was for. They apologized, paid my medical bills, gave me a new name and identity, $20,000 cash, and left me in Haifa. Which is a pretty good place to party. I had no idea that Israelis had so much fun.
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| Yasmina |
That's where I met Yasmina, an Israeli accountant. Say hi, Yasmina! I had always been under the impression that accountants were really boring. But I was just as mistaken about that as I was about how much fun Israelis have. So, right now I am pretty much just hanging out on the beach with Yasmina until the cash runs out, which is probably about when she will lose interest in me, or until Aetheos, Devara, or Vanda find me. So there won't be a lot of updates for the Doormat Division.
It was a great Doormat season, and the worst team really did win this year. Next year there might be some big changes. Philadelphia and Kansas City should be greatly improved--we will see about that they say that every year but this time it probably is true--and we are still expecting some stellar performances by Detroit, Phoenix, NY Jets, Jacksonville, and Cleveland.
Our next installment on this blog will be a preview for the Doormat draft, which is coming in April I believe.
Meanwhile, enjoy March Madness!
