Week 3 NFL Doormat Predictions- Swan Dives are Happenin'

Hello, Doormat fans. This year the Oracle from the Basement has decided to up the game and, instead of spinning a frozen turkey on the sticky-with-old-beer floor of the basement, I have built a catapult in the back yard and am now launching a frozen turkey into the woods and assigning a score based on trajectory, distance, and any damage it may cause.

So, with the catapult loaded, we launch for each Doormat tilt, and here are the prognostications:

Rams- 30

49ers- 6

Last year this would have been a doormat gem, now it’s just an embarrassing blowout. Goff rides high before coming down to reality in Dallas in Week 4.

Browns- 17

Colts- 12

Yes, it’s true, the Dolts are favored to lose, even in Vegas. We may have missed these guys when drafting Doormat teams. Dolts go 0-3. There is still time to switch…

Giants- 17

Eagles- 21

These teams hate each other. Whether they stink or not, it’s almost always a good game. But Eli has no line, no running backs, and he can’t carry a gun on the field in the NFL, so it’s 0-3 for the Giants. NY fans are going to get restless. Look for a mushroom cloud in New Jersey before this season is over.

Dolphins- 40

Jets-13

Jets get clobbered again, this time by a reborn Jay Cutler. Go Fins.

Broncos- 21

Bills- 10

Bills could actually win this game. But they won’t.

Saints- 28

Panthers-26

Brees slings 60 passes, Saints find a way to win. Panthers can’t find the magic and Cam can’t find his receivers.

Steelers- 44

Bears-2

Blowout of the week. At least the Bears are at home so they can have dinner at Butkis’ steak house in the Loop—if he lets them in, that is. Probably not.

Bengals- 17

Packers-35

Pack wakes up for one game. Bengals on way to epic crumble.

Chiefs- 26

Chargers-10

Welcome to LA, Bolt Heads. The fans in Tinsel Town and SD all hate you. Chiefs are on way to AFC championship game. Don’t trip over Chargettes, guys.

Texans- 10

Patriots- 36

Pats play bad first game, as usual. Everyone thinks it is over—every year—and then Pats run the table for the last 13 games. I hate the Pats, but Toxins are the greatest crap team in the NFL. Posers.

Seahawks- 17

Titans- 21

What can I say? Seahags are in deep doo doo. Who will get blamed? 

Cowboys- 17

Cardinals- 14
Pokes get a win. Cards get to look bad at home. What’s wrong with these guys anyway? They should win this division, but it doesn’t look like they will even win $2 playing instant winner in the lottery this year. Pokes get Lambs next week, at home. I want to see that game.

Raiders-38

Redskins-21

It is really great that the Rrrrrrrrraiders are NOT a Doormat these days. Meanwhile, in DC, hey, how much are we paying that Cousins guy again?

And that's it from the Oracle. Gentlemen, make your predictions!

WEEK 2 WRAP-UP and SKY SKY SKY HIGH ANALYSIS

Maybe some of you get to go off to work and coast all day long, but here in the dank confines of the Basement, we had to search the patio for a decent cigarette butt and heat up yesterday's coffee on our new grill, rescued from the alley garbage two blocks over.  I hope that trail of ash doesn't lead anybody over here that is expecting anything.  We have WORK to do. The Seahags and Whiners turned in a Doormat game for the ages, and the Ain'ts are back in the Basement. But, yesterday, the Doormat Commish (DT), Walkfish (the true stats pro on this blog) and me attended the Jets-Rrrraiders game to get an up-close look at our potential perfect-season team...the Jets. 

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 2

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA

SANTA CLARA         0-2            12       35

CHICAGO                 0-2            24        52

NEW ORLEANS       0-2            39        65

NY GIANTS              0-1              3        19

SEATTLE                  1-1            21        26

ARIZONA                 1-1             39        48

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA

CINCINNATI             0-2           9          33

COLTS                      0-2           22        62

CLEVELAND            0-2           28        45

NY JETS                   0-2          32         66

HOUSTON                1-1          20         38

THE GAMES!

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK:

JETS 20,  RRRRAIDERS 45

The league office got us some decent 'seats' for the game, and it didn't disappoint.  I say 'seats' because nobody actually sits down at Raider games.  At least not the first 40 rows. 

Opening day at Raider Nation was magnificent.   Plus, a dirt infield.  How do you top that?

The Raiders kept the Jets close for the first half by committing their usual bonehead personal foul calls because you have to be a complete choirboy to avoid getting those penalties if you play for the Raiders.  I swear a Raider linebacker could say "your mom burns toast" to whoever he just tackled and TWEET!!!  That man said a bad word!!

My paper today says the Raiders got 1321 first downs to the Jets 17.  While this might be a typo, it seems right.

The Jets unveiled their best defensive play yesterday, multiple times:  have two guys both take really bad angles on the runner busting up the middle and completely miss the guy, who then runs for 20 yards or a touchdown.  The other play was - put one guy on Crabtree, and watch Crabtree score 3 touchdowns.  I think Crabtree has a grip of iron if he even gets a finger on the ball, or Lester Hayes (no. 37 in your tattered 1980 Raiders game day program) keeps mailing him jars of stickum. Jets 0-2 and looking solid.  

 And now, please, a moment of silence for 

THE HEIDI GAME, Nov. 17th, 1968

Raiders 43, Jets 32

STIFF OF THE WEEK:

BILLS 6, PANTHERS 9

I'd really like the Niners-Hawks game to be the Stiff of the Week, but give credit where no touchdowns are scored.  The Pansies and the Nils ground out a game of zero turnovers, 12 punts, nobody over 200 yards passing, and just...is that Heidi movie coming on soon?

Pansies are easily the worst 2-0 team in the NFL.  But there's a lot of competition, so don't get too proud.

49ERS 9,  SEAHAWKS 12

Somehow, the Seahags got 21 first downs in this bore-fest at Broiled Fans Stadium in Santa Clara. Boy, I'm sure glad the Whiners got rid of the guy with the big hair so they could bring in Brian Hoyer. I've never seen a Doormat quarterback so confidently throw a pass right at a linebacker.  ON-THE-MONEY. The Hags really put everything they had into losing this one, but, they were out-maneuvered. 49ers averaged 3.1 yards per pass play. Try losing to that. Just try. One touchdown did it, and the 49ers don't score TDs. The Hags caved in the 4th quarter, and scraped one over the goal line (but still missed the extra point- as if the 49ers would actually get downfield and kick a tying FG. Pfft!). 

Whiners are now the second team this season to not score a TD in their first two home games, tying the 1939 Eagles (and 2017 Bengals). Tune in Thursday Night Doormat this week for the Whiners shot at three home games in a row with no TDs.  It'll be a record.

BROWNIES 10, ORIGINAL BROWNS 24

The Ravens can't hang with Cleveland. Who can? These are the Champs we're talking, here. After 4 listless Blank Helmets series to open the game, Browns QB Deshone Kizer understandably developed a migraine headache and left the game. Backup Kevin Hogan stepped in and threw an INT, but got a TD.  But the Browns got Kizer back in the game in the 3rd quarter, he drove the length of the field, and with God knows what visual distortions dancing before his eyes, threw a drive killing INT into the end zone.  5 turnovers for the Doormat Champs! Browns coach Hue Jackson:  "The turnovers will always stick out because it stops you from scoring points or leads to points for the other team."  It's your neck that's sticking out, coach.  

YIKINGS 9, STEELERS 26

aaaaand Sam Bradford is on the sidelines.  Case Keenum, whose name is not Colin Kaepernick, stepped in and, folks, the Yikes are a Doormat King if Bradford isn't in there.  

Take note.

CHARGERS 17, DOLPHINS 19

I promise not to predict victory for the Chargers ever again. These guys can lose anytime, anywhere, no matter what the score. Maybe people in San Diego are feeling a little better today.  After all, NBA training camp is opening soon, and the Clips- oh, never mind. 

COLTS 13, CARDS  16  (OT)

In a hard fought Doormat battle, the Cardinals could not underwhelm the Colts for a whole game, crumbled in the 4th quarter, and could not possibly miss a 30-yard chip shot field goal in overtime. Colts 0-2 and looking very very formidable.  Next Week's HUGE game:  Colts home opener vs. the Browns (-2.5 Vegas). Yes, you heard right, the Browns are favored on the road.

AIN'TS 20, PATS 36

It was 20-3 at the end of the first quarter.  Next week, we find out just how bad the Panthers are, because they play the Saints.  Some Doormat bragging rights in the South are at stake.

JAGS 16, TITANS 37

Jags won their home opener last week, so another home game, two weeks in a row..that's a tall order in the land of weird color combinations (teal, gold and black).  Still, I think the Jags will have a tough time losing to the more serious Doormat teams this year.  Rough road ahead.

BEARS 7, BUCS 29

ARGH!  Bears had a shutout going and then bungled it with 1:43 to go in the game with the Tampa Bay 3rd stringers in there.  Perfection is so hard to achieve.  Steelers come to town next week, so maybe they can 0-fer then.

We'll have this week's WORST STATS tomorrow after the Giants debacle tonight.  

aaaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

WEEK 2 PROGNOSTICATIONS AND 16-PUNT NIGHT

BENGALS 9,  TEXANS 13

We had our first 1 Touchdown game, and now the Doormat Season is officially under way. There were so many punts (16), ESPN used every advertisement they had, and almost had to start running those ads selling Mac and Cheese on the premise that terrorism and global warming means that it's time to stock the bunker.

The Cincinnati Bungles took a look at last week's stats, where the Texan's Deshaun Watson got turfed 10 times, and decided not to blitz. Keeping their sacks down to a manageable 3, the Bungles minimized creating turnovers and field position (as if that mattered to the Bungles offense). Shrewd ploy.  It sure helped get Watson off to the races for the only TD of the game, a 49-yard scamper.

 Andy Dalton and his band of Bungles kept their business between the 30 yard lines, slowly raising the tone and tenor of the famous Cincinnati boo birds, and took the loss like pros.  Just how pro?  The last time a team didn't score a touchdown in their first two home games was the 1939 Eagles. That's back before color was invented.

WEEK 2 PROGNOSTICATIONS 

AND FROZEN TURKEY SPIN

JETS (+13) @ RAIDERS

Me, 'Fish and Doormat Commish DT will be attending this game, to get a good look at this year's potential champion- the Jets, of course- and to pick up our  I SURVIVED A RAIDER GAME t-shirts.  The Jets should have no trouble handling the Raiders in this 'game.'  The Jets are on a mission from God, and they've brought their mission to the Swashbuckling Baseball field* of Eternal Halloween.  Raise the Skull and Crossbones, matey, another one walks the plank.   * (yes, the Oakland A's still have their field up.  It's like being in another era out there) 

SEAHAGS @ WHINERS (+14)

Seattle may look pretty shaky, but they have no chance at losing this game.  

Let's see how hard they try. 49ers have lost 7 straight to the Hawks, and it all started with the 2013 NFC Championship game. Whiners don't have enough players left on the team to remember that the Hags are a hated rival, who once ate turkey dinner on their 50-yard line. Another sunny day at Broiled Fans Field.  Best chance to lose: WHINERS  

CARDINALS @ COLTS (+7)

Will Jacoby Brisset or Scott Tolzein start at QB for the Colts? How ever will the Cardinals prepare if they don't know??  I think this may be a game that, no matter how parity-challenged the Cards have become, 'prep' may be overrated. Best chance to lose: COLTS

BROWNS (+8)  @ ORIGINAL BROWNS

This game could be trouble for the Brownies. I envision the Ravens (original Browns) attempting another shutout, and keeping Joe Flacco down to 15 pass attempts. The Brown-outs will find themselves already hoping their rookie QB, Mr. Kizer, will pull a couple miracle plays. After all, his first name is almost spelled like Deshaun Watson's, so, hey.  Best chance to lose: BROWNS

TITANS @ JAGUARS (+1)

Suddenly the Jags are so good, they're almost favorites to win at home. Can the Jags keep the wheels on the bandwagon two weeks in a row? Last year, they needed the bye week in between their only 2 game winning streak of the season. Best chance to lose: JAGS

DOLPHINS (+3.5)  @ LA CHARGERS

The Chargers home field is a flipping soccer stadium out in Carson, so one would hope that this will be a kicking game feature event.  That should help whip up interest in L.A., where there is just nothing to do almost ever. The Floppers will be playing their first game, so who knows what their Doormat chances are.  Best chance to lose: FINS  ....barely

WASHINGTON (+2.5) @ LA RAMS

Last year, the Rams were 3-1 early in the season. Then they lost every single game, except the impossible-to-beat Jets game.  Let's not get tooo excited tooo sooon, you people that like winning.  However, we're hoping for a wild, sling-it out there what-have-we-got-to-lose kind of game. Not a time for being conservative.  Let it fly in the SoCal air.

Best chance to lose:  DEADSKINS

BEARS (+7) @ BUCCANEERS 

Bears didn't look bad enough last week.  Maybe they'll step it up this week.  It's up to the Bucs. 

Bucs finally get to play a game.  Will be way more than ready.

Best chance to lose:  BEARS

aaaAAAAnd that's the View from the Basement!!!!

NFL WEEK 1 WEEK WORST STATS and...TIME OUT!!

CHAGRINS 21, BRONCOS 24

(in hushed tones) "Phil Mickelson is lining up his putt, here on the 18th green here in Augusta. He makes this and he wins the U.S. Open, making the most incredible comeback of his career....he's ready...he's.....TIMEOUT!!!!!!   The putt went in, but Rory McElroy has called timeout, pulling the red timeout airhorn out of his golf bag just in time, and he'll have to do it again. Boy, that airhorn is kinda unnerving, but Phil will just have to line it up again."  

Or..."if Carmelo can make this last free throw, it'll cap the most improbably comeback ever by the Knicks, here in the Garden.  He's lining it up, he's going into his motion....WAIT TIMEOUT BY THE WARRIORS!!!  The shot doesn't count!  He'll have to shoot it again.  Boy, that's the 3rd straight time Coach Kerr has called timeout at just the last second. Gosh, the drama is just building, isn't it, Femur? "  "It's incredible, Diffy, but the Dubs still have a 20 second timeout to use, so anything could happen."

Absurd, you say?  But, mon ami, in zee NFL, we do it  all the time. The Broncos did it to the Chargers last night, and pulled out the victory, 'time-outing' the Chargers rookie kicker, who made the field goal...and then missed the next one.

In no other sport is is it OK to call timeout right when someone is going into their motion to complete a play.  No other sport allows the play to happen, and nullify it. Perhaps, just PERHAPS teams shouldn't be able to call timeout after the players are set out there on the gridiron. This has to be the most annoying gaming of the game I can think of. It's just...stupid, and we DO stupid here in the Doormat Division.  

Chagrins lose at the end one more time, because Roger Goodell is a dope.  

AIN'TS 19, VIKINGS 29

Saints lose.  Sure enough.  Just like we drew it up.  

NFL WEEK 1 WORST STATS

Points: 0                      Bengals

First Downs:  10          Colts

Total Yards:  203         Texans

Rush: 35                      Giants, Steelers

Passing: 110                Texans

Passer rating: 28.4      Bengals (Dalton)

Yards Allowed: 537      Patriots

Turnovers:  5                Bengals

Interceptions:  4            Bengals

Lost Fumbles: 3            Texans

3rd down conv. :  0-10  Colts*

4th down conv  :  1-4    49ers

Red Zone:   1-5  Saints,  0-3  Bengals

Sacked:  10-54yds       Texans  

Punts:  6                        just about half the league.

Penalties:  13-144         Steelers 

Time of Poss:  20:47     Seahawks  (almost under the magic 20!)

*almost nobody ever goes 0-fer on 3rd downs.  Very rare. 

WEEK 1 WRAP-UP AND HOLLYWOOD DUMPSTER DIVE

BREAK UP THE RAMS!!

Niners on track,  Jets look formidable,  Toxins may be back

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 1

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA

SANTA CLARA      0-1              3         23

NY GIANTS            0-1              3        19

CHICAGO               0-1            17        23

AFC

                                  W-L         PF        PA

PATSIES                   0-1          27         42

CINCINNATI           0-1             0         20

COLTS                      0-1           9          46

HOUSTON               0-1            7          29

NY JETS                   0-1          12        21

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Wow, what a great day in the Basement yesterday, Doormat Denizens.  It's gonna be a great season.  Lots of unpredictable games, and some stellar Doormat planning.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

RAMS 49,  COLTS 9

Looking like the kid who rocketed to fame in college for the Cal Bears, Jared Goff completely shredded the Indianapolis defense, while standing behind a solid line, for the biggest beat down they've administered since the Harding administration.  Well...2014.   He got sacked once.  Last year, he got sacked when the team ran on the field, and was developing a flinch if you just raised your hand in his peripheral vision.  On the other side of the ball, the Rams snared two INTs, for TWO touchdowns, sacked whatever stiff was back there for the Colts six times, and generally snuffed the life out of the Horseshoe Heads.

 If the Lambies can keep up that kind of protection for this kid...they'll be leaving the basement.  However, let's wait a week or two before starting to pack their gear for a Basement Exit.  The Colts without Andrew Luck are a terrible team.  Still..we raise our cheese pizzas, Busch beer, and high hopes to the downtrodden Lambs, who, on this day, rose up and completely clobbered somebody.  Huzzah!!

D.O.A  OF THE WEEK

49ers 3,  PANTHERS 23

They have a new GM, a new coach, 46 new players and, man, were the Whiners ready for their Doormat Debut.  Looking like a team that may never score a touchdown, ever again, the Whines did it every possible way you can crush even the most optimistic fan-  well placed dink penalties, dropped passes on bombs that were right on the money, holding onto the ball on 3-step drop-back plays (and getting turfed), an injury to your #1 pick, bad blocking, TOTAL CONFUSION in the defensive backfield, 2-11 on 3rd down, 1-4 on 4th down (and some whoa play calls there)...interceptions! fumbles!  It was Wheel of Fortune Football, all....day....long.  Can I buy a yard?

Considering that Cam Newton is obviously rusty, and was missing wide wide wide open receivers left and right (one WR was so all alone nobody was within 20 yards of him, drifting to the end zone, and Cam overthrew him by 20), the Pansies coulda won by 40.  When teams play the Whines, they need to change the position name to WOR- wide open receiver.  Whoa.  One could say the 49ers are on the track to rebuilding, but, right now, this year, they've got what it takes for a Moldy Carpet Championship. 

JAGS 29,  TEXANS 7

It had been six years since the Jags won on opening day.  And they did it in Houston.  The two teams, to be serious here for a moment, where providing a much needed diversion for some of the folks in the city of Houston, which is still reeling from the devastation of Hurricane Harvey.  

I never believe the Toxins are really a good team.  I think they are always just one step away from tumbling back into the basement, and maybe this is it.  They are forever doing it with mirrors with suspect QBs, and only their stalwart defense saves them.  Not yesterday.  The Texan offensive line...there wasn't one.  10 sacks allowed.  TEN.  Three fumbles lost, one for a fumble-six.  The Toxins are back- at least for this week.  JAGS will have trouble losing a bundle with the Colts and Toxins playing like this.  A lot at stake in the Basement for the Jags.  

PATSIES  27, CHIEFS 42

New England is this week's Honorary Division Leader, even though the point differential doesn't really qualify them.  Boy it's fun to see them up there on our leaderboard, AIN'T IT?  Plus we finally get to pull out the nickname.  Well done, you aging annoying winners.  Taste the turf.

JETS 12,  BILLS 21

Man, there's so much going on in the Doormat already, our supposed Marquee game is waaay down the list.  But this much is clear:  The Jets clearly out-classed the Bills in all phases of the game.  3 interceptions (one on a 2-point conversion, so not in the stats), 11 first downs,  214 yards total offense.  Just completely solid Doormat play, taking care of business against their formidable division rival.   0-1 and on track.

BUNGLES 0, RAVENS 20

Wowee, the Bungles busted out of the gate like overweight marmots-  4 interceptions, lost fumble and STILL 5 punts.  That's probably every single possession.   And they did it at home.  Look out Browns.  What a debut.  Next hideous game:  at Texans.

BROWNS 18, STEELERS 21

A loss is a loss, but some ominous signs of life, here.  Only 4 penalties.  That's not Blank Helmet Football.  They came from behind and almost won (yes, Futile Comeback, sure).  Browns QB DeShone Kizer appears to have some 4th quarter moxie, which bodes for some actual entertainment for Cleveland fans, while they still lose 12 games.  But, seriously, Browns culture appears to be headed for Parity...some day.  

SEAHAGS 9,  PACKERS 17

The Hags looked terrible.  Stay tuned.  

GIANTS 3, COWBOYS 19

As suspected, the Giants offense looks like it has nothing, NOTHING, I tell you.  Their defense can be the best in the world, and it won't save them.  Gnats are in trouble, but they did just play the best team in the NFC East.  

LIONS 35, CARDINALS 23

Just a little check-in on our illustrious ex-Doormat God, the Detroit Lions.  They started the game with a pick-six, and dug a 10-0 hole.  However, they ended up blowing out the Cardinals and I don't think these guys are coming back any time soon.

WASHINGTON 17,  EAGLES 30

In a crucial divisional game for Doormat supremacy, the Skins lose three fumbles, and the last one for the game clinching touchdown.  Mission accomplished.  Next challenge- the Rams in L.A.  

BEARS 17, FALCONS 23

Still reeling from the greatest Super Bowl flame-out in history-  almost as important as the Battle of Trafalgar!!!- the Falcons dang near dropped game one to the Doormat pros, daBares.  We'll see, game one is extremely misleading, this may be the best game daBares play all year.  Still, that didn't really look like a bunch of bums out there.  Are daBares just poseurs, faking you out while they nab your pic-a-nic basket?  Only Boo-Boo knows.

WHEW, that's a lot of games.  It'll sort itself out by week 4, save for the team that starts well, and then swan dives it's way to glory.  Who's it gonna be?

WE WILL SAVE THE WORST STATS UNTIL AFTER TONIGHT'S GAMES:

CHARGERS @ DENVER

SAINTS @ VIKINGS

AAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!!

NFL WEEK 1 PROGNOSTICATIONS!!

WEEK 1

Game of the Week:  Jets +9  @ Buffalo

This one could be for all the marbles, people. Two Doormat contenders face off in Week 1, and both have been purging players for draft picks, though the Bills really stepped it up in the last month. Should be a real excited crowd by kickoff.  Says here the Biffs will not survive the home town push and the determination of the Jets.  May be the last game they win for two months, or until the next time they play the Jets.   Bills by a touchdown.  

FALCONS @ DA BARES +7
Let's just see how flat the Falcons are after the greatest collapse in Super Bowl history, and faced with playing a Doormat power with a coach on the hot seat.  FALCONS by 21

 STIFF OF THE WEEK:   JAGS +6 @ TEXANS
Jags have every reason to suspect that Texan defense will not be perfect, yet, and Texans don't really have a QB.  On the other hand, the Jags have a pair of twos and nothing else.  15 punts.  TEXANS...barely

FEEBLES @ DEADSKINS +1
Another reason why you can't depend on anybody from the NFC East to contend for the Moldy Carpet.  They can all lose to each other any day of the week.   pick 'em.

STEELERS @ BROWNIES +9
Oh dear.  Steelers cover the spread, and Blank Helmet Football gets rolling in a big way.  Steeler offensive line smothers Browns, Steeler passing game in torch mode.  STEELERS

COLTS @ LAMBS +3.5
Lambs are still terrible.  But the Colts know how to play down to the competition.  COLTS by a point.   COLTS

CHARGERS +3.5 @ DENVER
If you are not a Broncos fan, and you can name the starting quarterback...you need to find more things to do.  Broncos...I'm not convinced.   CHARGERS win.

CAROLINA @ WHINERS +5.5
The Whines showed flashes of a total swiss cheese secondary during the preseason, laying a groundwork that could give up huge plays early in games, during the middle of games, and late in games.  Carolina has a tendency to coast in the 2nd half, if not just give up entirely.  Let's see if the Niners can get them in the end zone right away.    PANTHERS.


aaaAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL 2017 PREVIEW

ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT!!

I see all of you coming to our website wondering where the hell we are.  What do you expect?  This is the Doormat Division.  Why should we even pay attention during the preseason, when everybody plays like they're going to lose it all...except for the worst team in football?  But, other than having to do some light sweeping, waking up some hibernating masters of disaster, and looking for a new barbecue grill (there's only so much rust one can consume), the Doormat Division is ready for our close-up.

DOORMAT DIVISION 2017

PREDICITIONS

C'mon, admit it- when all the major sports news sites come out with their projections and predictions,  and all they talk about is who is going to win the division and the Stupor Bowl, and then they give YOUR team, maybe, one uninformed line that lets you know they know nothing, NOTHING about your band of boobs, doesn't it just frost your bacon?  Aren't you cheesed off?  

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THEM.  They aren't paying any attention to YOU.  But we are.  And though we may seem to gleefully focus on the ineptitude, by God we're down here in the trenches, grinding away, and someday...SOMEDAY the Bills will make the playoffs and play the Browns for the AFC championship!!  

Or maybe I've accidentally taken my medication twice this morning.   

Last Year's Final Standings, to remind you:

FINAL STANDINGS 2016-17 season

AFC

Cleveland -      1-15

Jacksonville -   3-13

NY Jets -          5-11

San Diego -      5-11

Cincinnati -       6-9-1

Bills                  7-9

NFC
San Francisco -  2-14
Chicago -           3-13
Los Angeles -     4-12
Carolina -           6-10

Philly-                7-9

New Orleans     7-9

AFC   (with predicted finish in parenthesis)

NEW YORK JETS (1-15):   500-1 to reach Super Bowl. Only one team purged their roster during the offseason, and replaced it with nothing.  Only one team isn't even TRYING to have a starting quarterback.  And it's the Jets.  Finishing 5-11 last year, the Nyets are bringing it this season, with an already established losing culture and an owner bent on dumping this team in the ditch until next year's draft. 

Standing in their way of a perfect season are these games:  at Buffalo this Sunday, the Jags at home Oct. 1, and at the Browns on Oct. 8th.  And, with Jay Cutler coming out of 'retirement' for the Dolphins, there is ominous trouble in their own division.  First games are a mine field, as teams below the parity line just come stumbling out of the blocks, and the Bills... they've been doing the stumble for 17 straight seasons of no playoffs.  

CLEVELAND BROWNIES (3-13):  300-1 to reach Stupor Bowl. The Browns have an improved defense.  They really do.  They also went 4-0 in preseason, and have petitioned NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to call it a season right now and start the playoffs, because it's all downhill from here, and I don't mean the good kind of downhill.   The Browns have put all the chips on the table with rookie QB Deshone Kizer, a green rookie who plays like a scrawny Colin Kaepernick and does have talent, but please.  It's gonna be exciting to watch all the interesting decisions he makes while the other 3 QBs shuffle around with clipboards on the sidelines.   Still, the Blank Helmets honestly look like the culture of the team is changing, and their schedule puts them in peril of not making the 10 loss cut (10 losses being the required minimum for Doormat membership).  

These games are trouble:  Sept. 17 @ Baltimore (if Flacco ain't playing, Ravens stink);  Oct. 8th, JETS; Nov. 19th JAGS;  Dec. 3 RAMS; Dec 24th, BEARS.   Add in that the Bengals can always implode and hand the Browns a victory, and Baltimore, if things go off the rails, could be tanking big time by Dec for the second game.  

Still, you have to believe in the Brownies to find a way to lose, so until further notice, 3-4 victories tops.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS:  (4-12)  80-1 Super Bowl chances. Maybe the Gags are finally getting better.  But people write them off every year, and last year they smoked it at 3-13.  They're offensive line is so thin, you can see through their interior straight to the QB with only 1 healthy fullback to stay in and block.  They'll be keeping two backs in to help out at times, and Blake Bortles is a pick-six maestro. Sounds like quite a cocktail. The defense won't be atrocious, but they can't have any injuries at linebacker or that's it for their run defense.  Couple of 'projects' in the secondary, so look out INCOMING!!  Primary problem for Jags to make concerted Moldy Carpet run is their own division, with the Colts, Titans and Texans capable of playing a shoddy bumble-fest any given Sunday.

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (4-12)  80-1 Super Bowl odds.  Hey there, Los Angeles!  We're back, and you can buy a John Hadl jersey in retro light blue, and hey, HEY look over here there are also hats and pants, and the retro Dan Fouts jersey and the new ORIGINAL Los Angeles Chargers jersey and...PLEASE do not look at the field, sir, that's not productive.  

Philip "why is the other team in the way?" Rivers is still quarterback.  I'm not believing anything about this team until I see it. The Charred-ettes are in the toughest AFC division, and look well situated to lose every divisional game.

One telling stat-  they were -45 in points in the preseason, and I don't care which unit is on the field.  You give up that many points, you have depth problems.

the rest of the Pile:

BUFFALO BILLS (4-12)  80-1 in Vegas. Tyrod Taylor.  17 straight seasons no playoffs.  They will beat the Jets twice.  God knows the rest.

BALTIMORE RAVENS (7-9) 25-1 Stupor Bowl shot. If Joe Flacco cannot heal up fast, the Ravens are in trouble.  They need to score points to stay ahead of their defense's generosity.  These guys could tank.

MIAMI DOLPINS (6-10) 40-1 Vegas odds.  In a move nobody expected, the Flops bring Jay "sure I'll take money" Cutler out of retirement to see if he can't set an interceptions or pick six record, and just bring the whole thing down with him.  One more season of wild flings into space!  It really does just take one guy to steer.

NFC

LOS ANGELES RAMS (1-15)  100-1 Vegas Odds.  The Rams have to be considered a solid Moldy Carpet contender.  Jared Goff may yet have another punching bag year, and a frightening lack of running game.  They averaged 10 points a game last, so the defense could have been the greatest ever, and it wouldn't have made any difference.  It's a parity level defense.  Look out, L.A, you've got a chance for the Moldy Carpet championship between your two teams.

CHICAGO BEARS (2-14) 100-1 odds for the Super Bowel.   The Bears should be worse than the Niners.  Everybody is on the hot seat, and the crowing in Bear-land is for rookie QB Mitch Trubinsky to start for the Doormat denizen.  And hey, why not?  What better way to get a rookie shell-shocked, pile up some fumble-sixes and generally sink the whole season in 5 or 6 games?  But it's Mike Glennon for now.  The only worry is that John Fox will get fired too soon, and the culture could change.   

But the real kicker is their first 11 games- they could lose them all, EASILY:

Falcons, Bucs, Steelers, Packers, Vikings, Ravens, Panthers, Saints, Packers, Lions, Eagles.

They could run the first 8, for sure.  No real relief arrives until December 3rd at home against the 49ers.  These guys are in a tough division, and they could run the table deep into the season.

Solid Moldy Carpet contender.  

SANTA CLARA 49ers (5-11)  300-1 Vegas odds of climbing out of the muck and landing in Minneapolis for the big shew.  The Whiners won't be the worst team in the league this year.  Sad to say,  I've been right here for all the horrible-ness lately, and even with our hideous new stadium, our clueless owners, and a culture that has just been perfect for ineptitude....they've done something right.

Coach Kyle Shanahan really does coach excellent offense.  Even with Brian "Scary Footwork" Hoyer starting.  The Whines will beat the Rams twice again, they'll beat the Redskins, and they'll beat the Bears and the Jags.  They have a terrible secondary, still, as far as I can tell, and we'll just see how thin they are on the O-line.  Could go south.  One thing to note- the backup QB, rookie C.J. Beathard, the ex-Iowa Hawkeye, played the pro-set in college and is already a solid backup QB.  If Hoyer goes down, it won't be a complete disaster.  I hate to say it, but the Whiners will be...slightly better this year.

THE REST OF THE PILE:

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (6-10):  Hard to write off any team with Drew Brees, but they could have a hard time beating anybody in their own division.

WASHINGTON CRACKERS (7-9):  Wheels could come off and team could take divisional powder.  Could end up with only 4 wins.  Could be ugly.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS:  Potential parity golden boys, or a few injuries and poof.  

CAROLINA PANTHERS:  Anybody buying that they are going to come back from last year's 6-10 gem?  Or up the ante and really tank?

So, Doormat Fans, strap on your cheap plastic helmets, crack a beer so cheap Pabst looks like a micro-brew, and order a pizza from Mellow Mushroom, because the Run to the Moldy Carpet starts THIS WEEK!!!!

aaaaAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!!!!!

MLB DOORMAT DIVISION JUNE REPORT

DOORMAT DIVISION  MLB



NATIONAL
                       W - L     GB     L10
Phillies           24-50     20.5    3-7    (.324)
Giants            27 -51    24.5    1-9    (.346)       
Padres            31-45    19.5     2-8         
Reds               31-43      8        2-8   
Mets               34-41     11       4-6
Marlins          34-40     10.5   5-5   

How the Giants are not worse than the Phillies, I don't know.  But they looked terrible against the Fails when they dropped by the park in Philly a few weeks ago, so I'm confident the Pipsqueaks will prevail.

Also, Mets just swept the Giants, so that showed the Mets to just be posers.



dig the 'aroma' coming off that logo!


AMERICAN
                          W-L       GB      L10
White Sox        32-42     7.5       4-6     
Athletics          34-42     17.5     6-4
Kittens             33-42       7        2-8
Blue Jays         36-39       5        4-6
Orioles             37-38       4        5-5


It's hard to count the Oakland Apathetics in our standings, since they really are just a minor league phenom auditioning club, which then disperses all talent to other teams.  In fact, the rinky-dink stadium behavior (especially the drums/bells) places them solidly as a Major Minor League operation.

SOME CLARIFICATION
Now that more than a few of our favorite teams in Major League Baseball are imploding in fabulous Doormat fashion (please submit your NICKNAME suggestions now), it occurred to us to define a few points as to what constitutes a banner year in Doormat Division during the summer.  If you have some other yardsticks to lay down, call the dugout phone and let us know.

Here they are:

1.  Lose 100 games.  Still the great benchmark for any season of stunning futility and firings.
       Both the Phillies (the Fails?) and the Giants are well on their way to 100.

1B.  Post a winning percentage below .400.  This really should be a losing percentage over .600, but        we'll just go along with the 'winners' people for now.

2.  Finish the season 30 games out.  If you can can reach thirty games out by the All-Star Break, you are in rarified air...     The Giants are already 24.5 games out.  When's the All-Star Break?

3.  Post a staff ERA over 5.00  
         This might be asking a bit much.  4.50 might be more inclusive.  Giants at 4.82   A's  4.76

4.  Post a team batting average under  .250
         A's   .243 !!   Giants .241 and that's after the recent offensive explosion (during a 1-12 streak).

5.  Have three catchers, and have less than 10 home runs total for all three.
   
6.  Average under 20,000 fan attendance.  Marlins, anyone?   This figure is permanently skewed, thanks to reporting ticket sales and not actual attendance.  Some Marlins games, it looks like there are 8,000 people there...TOPS.

7.  Lower the beer prices.   When you realize that you are really running a minor league operation, adjust or die.

8.  Be at least 10 games out in June,  18 out in August and 22 out in September.   Unless you play in the AL Central, and then it's 7.

aaaaaND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

49ers Sign Interception Leader!

MATT BARKLEY, the man who threw more interceptions per attempt than any other QB last season, is safely in the fold with the 49ers, setting up a fascinating duel between him and Brian Hoyer for bragging rights to steering the most lost franchise in football to someplace even more glorious than just lost.

Please note that Barkley's sole great game was against these very Whiners last season, in a blizzard. They aren't gonna let THAT happen again.

Niners go Browns

If the regular season were to start today, Brian Hoyer would be the starting QB for the Santa Clara 49ers.  

I really don't have to write anything else.