WEEK 15 WRAP-UP: More Perfecter Than YOU

More Perfecter Than You

Browns clinch, Giants a lock, 49ers off the rails, 

Bears bear down, Colts feeling pressure

 Moldy Carpet smelling better than ever.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 15

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-12         228      355     -127
CHICAGO                 4-10         234      294      -60

SANTA CLARA         4-10         253      337      -84

TAMPA BAY              4-9           264      312     -48
WASHINGTON          6-8          305       359     -54

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-14        207      362     -155
INDIANAPOLIS         3-11        225      368     -143
HOUSTON                 4-10        319      380      -61
DENVER                    5-9          254      328      -74
CINCINNATI               5-9         233      305      -72
NY JETS                    5-9         285       342     -57       

BROWNS 10, RAVENS 27

Get out your paper bags, and cut some eyeholes, Browns fans! Another professional, workmanlike effort from the 0-14 Men of Blank, clinching the AFC championship with a turnover blitz against the game, but not gamey enough, Baltimore Ravens (the ex-Browns).  Immediately getting some Ravens points up on the first defensive series (3-0), the Brownouts followed up with two punts and an interception. But the Ravens just punted right back, and then unleashed a botched defensive play that gave the Browns a 59-yard sprint down the field by Isiah Cromwell, followed by a rare end zone appearance by a Brown for a touchdown. Browns lead 7-3.  Browns fans settled in for the inevitable collapse. Patience, grasshopper.

The nerves calmed down, though, and the Browns uncorked Baltimore's passing game, plus sprinkled in a fumble at their own 45. Next thing you know, the Poes had two touchdowns, and, despite a last-minute first half field goal by the Blanks, were safely up 17-10 at the half.  

The second half began with frenzied punting by both sides, but the Browns craftily moved back, back, back, until they were pinned at their own 4 after the Raven's second punt.  Seizing the opportunity, Browns QB DeShone Kizer drops back into the end zone and...waits..don't look around...and pow! - coughs up a perfect Fumble Six, kicking the Ravens a little further down the street, with no view of a loss any where in sight. 24-10. Game over.

Next week is the big one- the 4-10 Chicago Bears will be playing host to the Brownouts on the 24th, the biggest obstacle to a perfect season for Cleveland. It is eerily similar to last year, when the Chargers waltzed into Cleveland with a 5-9 record, on Xmas eve, and shoved a win down the Browns throats, wrecking the Perfect Season Parade plans. But, as hard as Bears coach John Fox may work at desultory losses, I think the Browns have it wired. But, that's why they play the game.... for the tailgate. What?  

BEARS 10, LIONS 20

Getting an early start to the losing weekend, the Bears buried the Lions with an avalanche of penalties (13) at the Kat Box on Saturday. Following up their Orange Bad victory last week over the nearly-Bengals with a three interception scorcher from QB Mitchell Trubinsky, the Bears move into second place in the Doormat NFC, holding the tie-breaker over the 49ers. Next week Trubinsky and Kizer will play the rookie turnover-challenge-game-within-the-game that decides the game.  

COLTS 13, BRONCOS 25

Our only Doormat head-to-head game this week, and it was a nail-biter until after the halftime burritos and beer huddle in the Colts locker room. To be fair, the Clots staged an arduous 12-play grind to start the 2nd half, ran out of gas, belched, kicked a field goal, and called it a day on offense.  The defense responded with 15 Broncos points, and both teams got to take the 4th quarter off.  As it should be.

GIANTS 29, EAGLES 34

They almost did it again. Playing their best football of the season, the Gnats come perilously close to scoring another 3up3down upset,almost tying the game in the 3rd quarter at 31 on a two-point conversion attempt. But, they came up short, and then did what all our loss leaders do- run out of fuel in the 4th quarter, and watch it all melt away like so many fans into the chilled, gray, New Jersey afternoon, shuffling back to the last burnt weenie on the dark BBQ back in the lot. 

TEXANS 7, JAGUARS 45

Pitching in mightily for the Jaguars playoff clinching party, the Houston Toxins needed only 4 extra plays over the minimum for the 1st half (all 3-and-outs would be a 'perfect game') on offense, and just continued the Chaos Rules routine in the defensive backfield, and kablooey the Jaguars were up 31-0 at halftime. Oh, that "changing of the guard" feels good, don't it, Jags fans? Toxins make the 10-loss club with two weeks to spare.

3 UP 3 DOWN UPSET!!  (3 games over .500 vs.  3 games under .500)

49ERS 25, TITANS 23

It's all gone completely off the rails for the Whiners. Once 0-9, and then only taking a win against the tough-to-lose-to Giants, the Whiners have won 3 straight!! WHAT?? Ever since the new Italian model took over behind center, it's just not at all the same. Doormats don't win 3 straight. They've gone Garoppoloco. But, look at the bright side: they still only got one touchdown, during 'Celek Time', and still some brilliantly boneheaded penalties got sprinkled in there.

 But, SIX field goals is going way beyond Doormat logic.  Guys, yes, you're supposed to fail in the red zone, and kick field goals, but not SIX. You'll win the damn game. Well, there's nothing for it but to celebrate the rare 3up3down victory for a Doormat...who isn't looking at all like a doormat. Enjoy the fresh air, you bums!

RAIDERS 17, COWBOYS 20

Oh, lord, we're gonna have to let them in, aren't we?  Next week it's the Eagles and then the 'who's got the tee-times set up?' game against the Chargers. They could lose 10. The Silver and Blacked Out are hovering out on patio. Geez, and we put all the Raider stuff out on the curb in the Free Box last January. Bother.

DOLPHINS 16, BILLS 24

The tension. Out of the playoffs for 17 seasons, the Bills 'control their own destiny', which is probably something Bills fans don't want to hear. Now that the Fin Flop is over, the Bills travel to Foxboro for tea with the Pats, that super-annoying 9 straight division title winning culture that you just wanna punch in the...is there any more potato salad?  

CARDS 15, WASHINGTONS 20

That's 10 straight field goals by the Cards, so you know Blaine Gabbert is on his game. 

Hold onto your blank hats, fans, the Perfect Season Parade is coming to a Cleveland near you!!

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!!!!

THE NON-ORACLE SPEAKS - NFL PREDICTIONS WEEK 15

THE ORACLE HATH...HATH...my tongue ith thwollen

Well, the Oracle got so many right last week that he went on a 3-day bender, disappeared for the next 2, and was finally located at a truck stop outside Winnemucca.  He was quietly having two eggs, over-easy, with bacon and Hash Browns, when a disheveled waitress came in from the back and gave him some pants to put on.  There was a bit of a hubbub, but everything worked out OK and somebody gave us a call. The Commish got him a ticket on the next Greyhound back in this direction.

He'll be fine, but, while he's en route, we're gonna have to CALL THE SHOTS ourselves, no catapult, spinning or other devices to help us with predictions.  Here goes:

There is not a single Bottomfeeder vs. Bottomfeeder game this week.  !!

BEARS @ LIONS (-5.5)
The Bears won 33-7, against the dismantled Bengals last week, and that's as far as this train ride is going. A glaring gaudy 4-9 record makes it impossible for the Bears to do anything except nail down the 10th loss, and what better place to do it but at the Kat Box. Lions cover the spread.  LIONS

TITANS @ 49ERS (+2)
When is an 8-5 team only a 2-point favorite over a 3-10 team? When you're the Titans. Good Lord, if the fading 49ers (3-10) win this one, that would be 3 in a row, and 3 of 4.  They coulda been a contender. The Titans, though 8-5, have exactly one good team they've beaten: the Seahawks, and that was back in Week 3 when the Hags stank. The rest- phaugh.

But!  Should the Red and Gold somehow pull off this one, too, that would be an bonafide 3up-3down upset (3 games over .500 vs. 3 games under .500).  I'd say this is the softest 8-5 team you could fish out of the barrel, but HEY.  49ers beat spread. What the heck-  49ers win.  Upset of the week. NINERS

BENGALS @ VIKINGS (-12)
Let's face it- that Steelers game two weeks ago was it.  Now it's just about getting 10 losses and forgetting about everything else.  Bengals get #9.  Bengals will, however, beat the spread. VIKES

EAGLES @ GIANTS (+7.5)
Well, having Nick Foles at QB makes this slightly more of a game.  But, the Giants are not going to screw up and beat a division opponent this year.  They're running the table. Eagles cover spread. EAGLES.

MIAMI @ BUFFALO (-3)
This is the Parity Battle of the week, Miami (6-7) and Buffalo (7-6) and...it's snowing in Buffalo today.  Hmm-hmm hmm.  These two teams will be trying to kill each other. But, the Fins have won two straight, they are reaching the limit of their focus, and Cutler's aging decrepit carcass will seize up in the Fridge by the Lake, and it'll be no place for a hairless mammal to be out of water.  Spread holds. BILLS

TEXANS @ JAGUARS (-12)
Texans looked like Doormat pros last week against the 49ers, and maybe the Jags will just run over them for something to do. But this IS a divisional last gasp, and that spread looks a little gaudy.  Jags win, Texans beat the spread.  JAGS.

RAVENS @ BROWNS (+7)
You never know with the Raven-Poes.  It's like the Pit and the Pendulum.  Well, just Never Bet the Devil Your Head, if you know what I mean.  Ravens cover spread, cover Browns, and Browns fans run for cover.  Stay in the parking lot! The chili is good!  RAVENS

CARDINALS @ WASHINGTON (-4)
If the 5-8 Washingtons want to have any hope of finishing with 10 losses, they have to blow this one, because the next two games are the Broncos and the Giants, and that's a tall order to lose both of those. Final game of the season vs. Giants?  Good luck losing that one.  Says here Skinks get 'er done.  The Blaine Gabbert renaissance continues for the Cards. cough. CARDS

JETS @ SAINTS (-16)
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK.  With Jet's QB Josh McCown out with an owie, and hey when your OC admits to having given up on the team during the last game, I mean...guys, let's lose big big big. Lose one for the coach!  It'll have his name written all over it.  
Saints cover spread.   SAINTS

COWBOYS @ RAIDERS (+3)
Seems like a very long time ago the Raiders clobbered the Jets 45-21, back in week 2.  Raiders have to lose all 3 remaining games to make it to 10 losses and erase all the good vibes from last season.  This is the tough one.  Next week is the Eagles and the last week is the Chargers, who I think will pummel a Raiders team that will have already got their tee times lined up before that one.  So- can they blow this one?  The non-Oracle says YES.   COWBOYS

The Non-Oracle has Spoken!!

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

WEEK 14 Worst Stats

NFL WEEK 14 WORST STATS

LEAGUE LEADERS:

Interceptions Thrown:   17, DeShone Kizer, Browns.  Well, he's got 3 weeks to get there, the magic 20. I dunno. After last week's real humiliation, I wonder where Kizer's psyche is at now. Terrible first year to subject a rookie to. So, he'll either come out really slinging, or go all Alex Smith on them, and dink pass his way to a quiet corner.  
Mariota comes in with 14 for the Titans, and Big Ben over in Pittsburgh with his usual 13 at this time of year takes 3rd.  

Sacked:  48 for Jacoby Brisset, Colts. That's plenty, but only good enough for 68th on the Sacked Single Season leaderboard.  

SACKS TRIVIA:
By the way, maybe Derek Carr, with his tentative play and apparent fear of anybody touching him, is not just trying to protect his back. Maybe it's a family thing. His brother, David, holds the record for being sacked the most times in a season- 76 (4.5 a game) in 2002. He led the league in sacks in 2004 (49) and 2005 (68) as well. The 68 are good enough for 3rd, all time.    

David Carr's all time numbers, if you take away the 4 bench-warming seasons with the Giants and 49ers, is 262 sacks in 6 seasons, with one of those seasons just a half-season.  That comes out to....43.666 sacks per season, which would vie for near the top any year. Brett Favre, our all-time sack and interception leader (way to hold onto that ball and not give up, Brett!), had 525 sacks in 19 seasons, a meagre 27.6 sacks per season. Pfft. But look at those interceptions!
If David had managed to keep starting, and not turn into ground beef in the process, his 19 year totals would have been 828.4, absolutely dusting Favre's accomplishment. Maybe Derek's seen a little too much of his brother's video highlights reel.  

Fewest TD Passes, starting at least 12 games:  6, Trubinsky, Bears. Don't hang it all on Mitch. The Bears are a team effort, and don't you forget it.  Which is why, here and there, they get mixed up and play great.

Biggest Give/Take:  minus 21, Browns, way ahead of #2, Denver at minus 14.  The Raiders chime in 3rd at  minus 10, a real red flag on a team bristling with red flags.  Jacksonville, our Doormat Turnaround team of the year, leads the league at +14.

NFL WEEK 14 WORST STATS

Offense:
Points:  0                 Jets
First downs:  6        Jets
Total Yards:  100     Jets

Rushing Yds: 25      Pats 
Passing:    41          Jets

QB Rating:  39.6,      Mariota, Titans (full game).  25, McCown, Jets (half game)
3rd Down Conv:  0-11   Pats
4th Down Conv: 0-2  Bills, Bengals 
Red Zone Conv:  0-3 Cards.  0-0:  OAK, WASH 

Turnovers: 5          Bucs
INT:  3                   Falcons; Seahawks
Fumbles/lost:  3    Bucs
Sacked: 8-53         Cards (Gabbert)
Fumble six given:  Rams
Pick-six given:  Chargers

DEFENSE:
Points:  43  Rams        
Total Yards:  488  Washington
Pass yards: 381   Bucs 
Rush Yards: 232   Bengals
No Sacks: 0   Colts,  Bucs, Cows, Giants

Penalties for first downs:  9,  Saints (and they did it on 11 penalties)
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  12-18, Ravens

Red Zone conv allowed:  4-4  Steelers, Eagles

MISC:
Punts: 8  NYG  (Wing), 8 WASH

Total Punts: 13     WASH/LAC 
Penalties: 8-105, Lions;  11-87  49ers, Saints       
Blocked Punt TD given up:  Eagles

Total Penalties:  19, 49ers-Texans

Time of Poss:   21:51 Bengals

aaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!

UPSETS : THEY ALMOST NEVER HAPPEN

SPEED OF LIGHTNING, ROAR OF THUNDER

FIGHTING ALL WHO ROB OR PLUNDER

OOO-OOO-OOO-OOO- UNDERDOG!!

UNDERDOG!

Ever wish your bottom feeder team would get up off the soggy mat and clobber some snotty winner, just ONCE?  It happens, right?  Just not to our team? 

Think again. In this entire NFL season, there has been 1 victory by a team that was 3 games under .500 over a team three games over .500, the Doormat yardstick for a blockbuster upset.  And it barely counts:  New York Giants (1-8 at the time) over the Kansas City Chiefs (6-3),  12 to 9.  The Chiefs were playing so bad, with one victory over the bumbling Broncos in a 6 game stretch, it's hard to give this one to the Giants, but give it we must.  

There have been, in fact, only a few games of 'upsets' with teams 2 games over .500 and two games under.  Last night (Monday, Dec. 11th), the Fins were 5-7, and the Pats were 10-2. This is the biggest upset of the year, by this reckoning, plus the actual quality level of the Pats at the time of game. It's the biggest upset of the year, period.

However, some early season victories sure look a lot bigger in retrospect, with the Week 2 victory by Washington, 27-20, over the Rams the prime example.  They were even back then, but now, it meets out criteria for 3 up and 3 down.  The Redskins, by the way, almost never beat the spread nor stage an upset, so this one is huge...except, at the time, we didn't really know that.  So, the emotional bang was not there.  So, we have to stick with 2 up 2 down, and 3 up 3 down, and give some respect to early season games, because the 'setup' for an upset isn't as firmly established.  Now, if the Browns had beaten the Steelers or the Pats, even in game 1, that would be an upset, because you are picking up from last season's records and expectations.  More on that later.

Other 2up 2down upsets, with teams records at the time before the game, and the score:

Week 6
Giants (0-5)   23
Broncos (3-1)  10
Hardly counts now, with the Broncos completely tanking after this loss for an 8 game losing streak, but, at the time, it was kinda huge.

Week 7
Raiders (2-4)  31
Chiefs (5-1)    30
[This game was, in fact, the second loss in the Chiefs 1-6 slide, which ended by thrashing these same Raiders in Week 14. ] 

Bears  (2-4)     17
Panthers (4-2)  3 
[this one absolutely counts in the 2up 2down category] 

Week 9
Jets (3-5)   34
Bills (5-2)  21
Neither of these teams have you shaking in your boots, but it does qualify according to records.

Week 11   3up 3down game
Giants (1-8)   12
Chiefs (6-3)    9

I think that's it, sports fans.  So, you know, upsets-  savor them.  

But there is a different kind of upset- the season turn around.  When your long-downtrodden team finally gets an offensive line and some linebackers who scare people (in the darkness of the video review room, way before kickoff), and you start beating all the teams that have been pummeling you every Sunday, for years.  So, Rams fans, all the victories, early in the season, feel like upsets.  Until you get past mid-season, it's all upsets to you, even though, really, your team is favored to win by this point.  So, in that spirit, we have to call the Los Angeles Rams and the Jacksonville Jaguars 'upset' teams, as they are, improbably, leaving the Basement...for at least one season.  The Chargers, also, are toying with shedding the mold.  The Titans are just trying to not return to bad.

Our Adios Bro-Cha-Cho teams, with their current record and last year (and maybe the year before)
           
                2017             2016           2015          2014
Rams      9-4                4-12           7-9              6-10
Jags        9-4                3-13           5-11            3-13
LAC        7-6                 5-11           4-12           9-7
Titans      8-5                9-7             3-13           2-14

The Titans were 9-7 last year, so this year is all about not falling back into the Moldy Carpet.  
So far, they are doing it.  3 games to go, the worst they can finish is 8-8.  the Chargers are in a much more tenuous position, and are not safe yet.  Big huge insane game against the Chiefs this week, and I bet they put up a better fight than the Raiders did last Sunday.  

All right, that'll do it for todays Underdogs.  

When in this world the headlines read
Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
Who rob and steal from those who need
To right this wrong with blinding speed
Goes Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!


-wacko

ORANGE YOU GLAD? FINS CLOBBER PATS!!!!

DOLPHINS 27, PATRIOTS 20

Oh, this one feels real good. Orange Bad specialist Miami invites the Pats over for a fruity cocktail and thrashes the Pats all night, until the 4th quarter, when the usual gas tank problems happen for Doormats.  BUT THEY HUNG ON!!  Tom Brady gets intercepted twice and the Fins hold the Pats to 25 yards rushing, while playing the kind of physical game you were completely not expecting at this time of year.  No turnovers from Jay Cutler!  A REAL upset, Doormat Denizens!   They are so rare, we almost don't know how to celebrate.

Savor it, underdogs everywhere.  We won one.

-wacko

WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PERFECT SEASON PARADE PLANS!!!

PERFECT SEASON PARADE PRESERVED!!

SOME PERSPECTIVE

Director John Waters once said:  "When I say action, you pick up that poodle poop and eat it."  Wait, that's not the right quote...here:  "I used to play "school" as a kid with the little girl who lived next door, and I was always the teacher and she was always the student.  Every time we played I failed her, yet she still eagerly agreed to play every time I asked, fully knowing the results. Failing can be a relief for some. A sexual position. A way of life. A choice. Some kind of happiness the never lets you down."  

Is this it, Doormat fans?  Cleveland?  Colts?  Cincinnati?  We gotta find some kinda something here in the Basement.  We gotta be able to count on our guys.  Fill the Blank Helmet chips bowl, and fish out the stale salsa from the back of the fridge.  It's our turn.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 14

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-11         199       321    -122

SANTA CLARA         3-10         228      314     -86

CHICAGO                 4-9           224      274      -50

TAMPA BAY              4-9           264      312     -48
WASHBINGTON       5-8          285      344      -59

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-13        197      335      -138
INDIANAPOLIS         3-10        212     343      -131
DENVER                    4-9          229      315      -86
HOUSTON                 4-9          312      335      -23
CINCINNATI               5-8          226      271      -45
NY JETS                    5-8          266      311      -45       

THE GAMES

GAME OF THE YEAR

BROWNS 21, PACKERS 27 (OT)

Faced with the most difficult challenge of the season, the Cleveland Browns brought home the Excedrin yesterday in Green Bay, rallying from up 14 points in the 4th quarter (in what looked like a sure victory) to force a tie and then crisply blowing it in OT (a DeShone Kizer Hail Whoever interception on the 3rd play deeeep in their own territory), nailing down loss #13 and preserving the Perfect Season Parade, which cleared their $10,000 budget mark by getting a $7,000 bump from the nice people at Excedrin, who announced that they "feel your pain."  

They'd better be feeling it today, because that was the art of losing played like a Stradivarius in the hands of a frozen-fingered out of tune accordion busker on the corner of Lou Groza Blvd and Pearl St. outside Browns headquarters in Cleveland. May the swirling hot dog wrappers of disappointment settle upon your prostrate frame, providing thin cover from the cold, as you stare up into the gray sky, wondering what you ever did to deserve this...being a Browns fan. 

It was a bizarre game, all right.  Brownout fans were subjected to THREE long touchdown drives, the first time all season they've had to survive this sort of production, with the suspense of the anticipated turnover after about 5 plays causing brain aneurysms all over the Cleveland area. But no- the Browns just kept scoring. But from great heights comes vertigo and the defense stepped in where the offense couldn't, and just ran out of gas, and 20 points never looked so easy to give up. It was killer.

Hats off to the entire Browns organization on this one, and all that's left is the Bears on Christmas Eve, the last serious challenge to the Perfect Season.  The Parade?- Jan. 6th, Browns sufferers, is the date to pull yourselves up off the concrete, put on every inch of brown and orange you have, and join the procession that will be the Perfect Season Parade.  It's your only hope.  

***********************************

The Perfect Season Parade is real, BTW- here's where you too can donate:

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-20

All proceeds, should the Browns win a game, will go to the Cleveland Food Bank, which is what they did last year after the Browns beat the Chargers for their only win.  Kind of makes one want to root for the Brownies to win just one, no?  Make a donation.  

BATTLE FOR THE ORANGE 

BENGALS 7,  BEARS 33

In our Orange You Bad division big game yesterday, it was no contest, as the Bungles out-oranged the Bears beyond all dimension, and blew, and I say blew the Bears off the field and into the win column. After last Monday's brawl vs. the Steelers, the Bengals had to field the video simulation squad, dressed to look like a defense. The Bears had no chance against this, and piled up the most points they've had all year. Andy Dalton and the Bungle offense chipped in an early touchdown and retired to the sidelines for the remainder. 

The Bengals have 3 games to go, and if they pull the plug on the roster and ice everybody down now, which looks like a good bet, they'll make the 10-loss club and be back in the Basement for a long, long loooooong winter.

BLIZZARD BALL!!!!

COLTS 7, BILLS 13

When the first possession of the game ends on downs, and punting seems like a dubious thing to try, you know you are in for a helluva game. Now, if only the Buffalo Bills can dial up a foot and a half of snow for every remaining game, they'll make the playoffs.  As long as nobody can see which way the goalposts are, and your cleats turn into snowballs if you run more than 5 feet, the Bills have a shot. 

Locked in a invisible snowball fight with the Colts for Doormat icebox supremacy,  the Nils unveiled their deep-freeze secret weapon: No, not the snow plow- 3rd string QB Joe Webb!  Joe, where ya been?  After QB Nathan Peterman- clearly cooled off from his blazing 5-interception debut a few weeks ago- disappeared in a snow drift on the sideline, the elusive Webb entered the fray and completed 2 passes.  But he only needed one. Rolling right, Webb uncorked a  34-yard flotation device in overtime to what may have been Deonte Thompson's arms sticking up out of the snow, setting up the game winning 21-yard non-slip demonstration by LeSean McCoy into what appeared to be an end zone to...WIN A GAME.  

The Clots, with Denver's win yesterday, move into sole possession of second place in the AFC Doormat.  

49ERS 26, TEXANS 16

He's Italian!  If you squint real hard, his #10 looks like #16.  He doesn't look nearly dorky or unlikely enough, but 49er fans don't care!  He's the new Joe Montana!! They're going to the Super Bow-  

Wait a minute. The Texans- they should decide on a pass defense that follows receivers and stuff. And maybe don't have defensive ends running 20 yards downfield in pass coverage.  Probably a bad idea. The 49ers sure aren't going to lose many more contests if they have QB Jimmy Garoppolo piling up 300-yard games. This is no way to stay with the Giants, that's for sure.  

The Texans, at 4-9, have the Jags, Steelers and Colts left to get at least one more huge L and make the 10-Club. Says here they do it. The Whiners still have the Titans, Jags and Rams left on the to-do list, so they can still lose the next 3, though the Titans are the shakiest 8-5 team in the league.  But, let's face it, Jimmy G guy may not be Joe Cool, but he's a real QB. Doormats don't have real QBs.  A ray of happiness descends on the Red and Gold Faithful.  

GIANTS 10, COWBOYS 30

Not even a hated rival in a long long rivalry can get the Flailing Giants into any sort of danger of winning.  But it's not a lock, yet- the 49ers are playing playoff teams for the last 3 games, and the Flailers get the Eagles with no Carson Wentz, and then the Cardinals and the Skins, so...they have to be just hitting the hot tub and trying not to get injured at this point, right?  There's nobody even at the helm.  

EAGLES 43, RAMS 35

Yeah, I know they aren't Doormats anymore, and kind of never were, but losing Carson Wentz for the rest of the season and playoffs really hurts, man.  That game yesterday was just flat out fun, and now...poof. 

JETS 0,  BRONCOS 23

Riding an 8-game losing streak, the Broncos run into a buzzsaw of futility, and get spit out into the win column by the Basement-ready New York Jets. The Nyets uncorked a 6-first down masterpiece of nothing: 100 total yards and 8 punts of a magic disappearing act by the offense, and the defense ran out of oxygen just running their competitive flab out onto the field from the locker room into the thin air of Denver. Wheeze.

Jets move to within a game of the Broncos, and are slouching towards the 10-club.

Sorry to see QB Josh McCown, who has had the best year of his career, get knocked out for the season with a hand injury. The Jets are close to being Parity Promising, but just zero-out every coupla games and lose like they mean it.  

RAIDERS 15, CHIEFS 26

I know this is a Parity game, but the Silver and Blacked Out looked so bad, in a game that was huuuuuge. Whoa. Raider QB Derek Carr just keeps waiting until later and later to start playing ball. Pretty soon, he'll finally be on his game in the after-game press conference. 

In fact, I think he was yesterday. Starting games like you have no idea how to get downfield is a top-down planning thing, so hat's off to the Raider coaching staff for this bomb.

TITANS 7, CARDINALS 12

The Titans are 8-5 and in the playoff sniff, but you'd never know it watching this one.  Doormat All-Star Blaine Gabbert is steering the Cardinal van, and he's doing a good job of keeping it out of the end zone, but 4 field goals still hangs a W on your scorecard when the Titans shut it down like they did yesterday.  Ka-lunk!

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is a not a done deal yet, fans.  The Browns gotta cash in two more losses to lock it down, as the Giants show no sign of letting up.  

aaaAAAAAND That's the View From the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!

It's Implosion Sunday! NFL Week 14 Doormat Predictions

The charges go off at the Silverdome, but the Kat Box does not come down.

Only four games to go in the regular season and it's so much fun to open a bag of chips, crack open a Anchor Steam, put our dirty-sock-covered feet on the Ottoman (it's actually a trash can with a newspaper duct-taped on top for padding), fire up a cigar, and watch the pundits talk about the "road to the playoffs" for teams that are still "in the hunt." Sorry, 5-6 or eve 6-6 is not in the hunt, it's a parity team looking to escape disaster. "If they get all their injured players back, the quarterback suddenly discovers how to step up in the pocket, the defense plays like its never played before, and all the rest of the division loses all the rest of their games, then (TEAM X) has a shot a wild card." 

Really? It's not the road to the playoffs, it's the road to ruin! And that's why we are all here, right? So let's take a look at who will implode this week and guarantee a shot at Doormat greatness. 

Chief vs Raiders.

Yes, the Chiefs and Raiders are both 6-6 and vying for the AFC West championship-how magnificently parity-ish that is--but it's really a Doormat game because the team that loses this trash-talking hate fest is shoving it into least mode and imploding for the rest of the season. The team that wins may win the division, but they will lose in the first round. The Chiefs are already like a drunk driver avoiding police by driving backwards on the Interstate, and the Raiders are like, well, the Raydurz. So, Doormat fans, this is truly your game of the week! Look for a lot of points on both sides of the ball, and for Alex Smith to bungle the clock at the end. Chiefs 28, Raiders 33.

Lions vs Bucs.

And speaking of implosions, did you see the Catastrophe at the Kat Box? Yes, folks, the Lions may be 6-6 (and playing like 1-15), and the Brownies may be threatening to go 0-16, but the Kittens strutted their stuff last week and showed the world what institutionalized, systemic badness looks like by failing to blow up their own stadium. That's right, they have moved out of the old Kat Box (Pontiac Silverdome) and moved into a beautiful new Kat Box. I hear the new one smells a lot better because it has an automatic cat litter sweeper. Anyway, when the charges went off to destroy the old stadium al that happened was the roof caved in, but the rest of the old box was still there. Way to go Detroit! Show them how you get it done! By the way, Atlanta successfully detonate their old stadium just two weeks before, right next door to the new one, without a hitch. And what about this game? Lions continue the implosion: Lions 18, Bucs 24.

Titans vs Cardinals

The nail goes in the coffin this week in Arizona. It's the 3:10 to Yuma, guys, and Titans are starting to play like winners. Well, division winners. They will be a parity sacrifice in the playoffs, if they get there.

Titans 17, Cardinals 14

Patriots vs Dolphins

The season finally implodes completely for Miami as the "suspect" Patriots gill the Dolphins.

Patriots 38, Dolphins 10

Redskins vs Chargers

At 5-7, Redskins are another team ready for the final implosion. I still can't figure out how Cousins can have such good numbers and such lousy results. Anyway, Chargers are ready for this one and Washington is ready for the dumpster.

Redskins 10, Chargers 34

Steelers vs Ravens

This is last gasp Sunday for the Ravens. Steelers are still reeling from the devastating win last week against the Bungles. If Ravens win this one, they might go on a run. But it's more like running to the locker room this week. Implosion Sunday in Baltimore.

Steelers 24, Ravens 23

Cowboys vs Giants

At 6-6 the Cowpies are still in "in the pond" as they say for a divisional title. Giants have a new quarterback and an all new swagger, and they always play Dallas tough, but not this week. Pies DON'T implode this week. 

Cowboys 28, Giants 21.

Bears vs Bengals

Two teams that wear orange, which is the new pink. At 5-7 Bengals are "in the hunt." Ha. Bears have all the right cylinders not firing right now, but Bengals are really banged up.  It's implosion time.

Bears 17, Bengals 14.

Packers vs Browns

This would be the moment for the final implosion of the Packers. But they are playing the orange you kinda bad Brownies and playing in Cheese Head central.

Browns 10, Packers 21.

49ers vs Texans

Toxins are a really bad team in not a very good disguise. Niners have a handsome new quarterback who knows all about deflated balls. 

49ers 17, Toxins, 10

Colts vs Bills

Bills are definitely an imploding team. Colts imploded in week one. Sorry Bills, this week you get a "W" and stay on the patio. You can implode next week against the Fins.

Colts 17, Bills 21

Jets vs Broncos

Broncos  are going to draw straws for who starts under center this week. Doesn't matter, that guy will only get two series of downs. 

Jets 21, Broncos 9

The Oracle has spoken!

ORANGE YOU BAD?

It's the Year of Orange Bad in the NFL.

In case you hadn't noticed, here are the current records of every team that has orange in its uniform

Cleveland Oranges    0-12
Chicago Bears          3-9
Denver Broncos        3-9
Tampa Bay Bucs      4-8
Miami Dolphins       5-7
Cincinnati  Bengals  5-7

OK, the Bucs don't really count, as their orange moment is the little football on their flag, but I'm counting it because you never know when some team is going to take the tiniest thing and make a big deal out of it. And, don't forget, the Bucs WERE ultra-orange back in the before-time, when they set the record for bad (0-14) and lost 26 games in a row. They defined Orange Bad, a title currently held by the Pumpkin Head gang over in Cleveland. But the Bucs owned it first. Ultimately, in an attempt to exorcise the demons of their Doormat existence, they buried the orange (they also changed their helmets, one of the few teams to ever do that). Now, it is but a hint on a flag.  But maybe too much of a hint, and just maybe that orange should take a hint, and a hike.

Anyway,  NONE of our oranges have winning records, they're all in the Basement, and this is clearly not the choice of the paint industry, which declared that 'blush' was the color of the year in 2017.

Go Big Blush!!

This begs the question:  which of our 'struggling' franchises should get modern and make the leap to the color of the year?  What do YOU think?

-Wacko

WEEK 13 WRAP-UP AND HOLIDAY STUMBLE

LET THE PARTIES BEGUINE!!

We've got the home organ my uncle left me warming up in the corner of the Rumpus Room here in the Basement (just look at those dusty tubes glow, warming the electronics of your heart), and we're gonna tune it to 'beguine' on the  rhythm buttons on the left side, and tape down a C chord, and let the 'slalom' setting take it from there, because it's PARTY TIME in the Doormat Division! Gone are those pesky Parity teams, except for maybe a couple of late arrivals right around Xmas, but as long as they bring some good scotch with them, they can add it to the MJB camp coffee we got brewing on the grill out on the patio.  

We're good to go 'til the end of the season, fans, and we're in for a wild finish.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, LUCKY WEEK THIRTEEN

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-10         189      291     -102

SANTA CLARA         2-10         202      298     -96

CHICAGO                 3-9           191      267      -76

TAMPA BAY              4-8           243      288     -45
ARIZONA                  5-7           219      310     -91

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-12        176      308     -132
INDIANAPOLIS         3-9          205      330     -125
DENVER                    3-9          206      315     -109
HOUSTON                 4-8          296      309      -13
MIAMI                        5-7           209      298      -89


THE GAMES

BEARS 14,  49ERS 15
The Chicago Bears inched a game closer to the NFC Doormat lead yesterday with a lunchpail effort against the Whiners, who came into the Windy City sporting a new QB, freshly minted from the Patriots back-up QB factory.  It took everything the Bears had to lose this one, though, as the Whines went 0-5 in the Red Zone, and the big moment ended up being when 49er kicker Robbie Gould taunted his former team, after his fifth field goal (with 0:04 left on the clock) blew the loss for the 49ers. Yeah, take that, you fools!  You'd be....3-9 if you still had me!! If a kicker taunting his former team isn't a Doormat Legends moment, I don't know what is.

The Bears waited until late in the 3rd quarter to get over 100 total yards, kept the first downs in the single digits (8), and mustered exactly one scoring drive (59) yards (the other TD being the most entertaining punt return of the year, with the runback actually taking 167 yards to complete). The Whiners, now 2-12 and in a tie for the league lead with the Giants, look like they are in trouble with Jimmy Garoppolo at quarterback.  They might win another game, and next week it's the 4-8 Texans, so what looked like a lock a few weeks ago is now a big question mark. But, let's wait and see what happens when the 49er offense plays a team that fields a defense.  

GIANTS 17,  RAIDERS 24
NY QB Geno Smith may not have thrown any interceptions, but he made up for it with two fumbles, and they were big plays for the Flailing Giants, who move into the NFC lead with the loss, as the Gnats hold the tie-breaker over the 49ers. You gotta hand this one to Giants coach Ben McAdoo, for boldly going where no man has gone before...except the 1976 Giants, who also were 2-10 before they fired their coach. But he made the move for Geno, and he delivered. If Ben's still here next week, and makes it to the bitter herbal end, the Flailers will win the NFC Doormat crown. Rrraiders barely beat another Doormat.  (UPDATE:   McAdoo and the GM got fired minutes after I posted!).  

CHIEFS 31, JETS 38
What else do the Chiefs need to do to get some respect around here? Lose four more, baby, and join the 10 club (10 losses on the season). And they way they are playing, they're gonna do it. What a slide!  When you can score 31 points and still lose, and lose to the Jets, you are clicking on all cylinders, and the team effort is there. The Chiefs set the record for time of possession yesterday:  17:11!! That's barely being on the field!  The Jets really, really tried, coughing up some huge plays for the Chiefs offense, but to no avail. Can the Chiefs lose 10?  They get the Raiders next week, who only look good against terrible teams (Raiders wins:  Titans, Jets, Bills, Chiefs, Giants, Broncos...Titans only half-assed decent team in the bunch).  So, the only question is, can the Chiefs maintain terrible? It's a lot of work.

BRONCOS 9, DOLPHINS 35
Yes, the Broncos are so orange-bad, they pulled off getting plastered by the Fins.  The quarterback roulette paid off for the Bunks, as Trevor Simian hurled three INTs, ran for his life most of the day, and the got the team off the field quickly enough to squeeze in 8 punts into the busy schedule. The defense responded by getting winded and making the Fins look sharper than a sea urchin in heat. Broncos have lost 8 straight, second only to the trailblazing Browns, who have lost so many in a row, you need a sextant to figure out where the last win was. It's a big ocean.

BROWNS 10, CHARGERS 19
The Brown-outs last win was last year against the Chargers, so a tiny flame of hope sprang up in the chilled hibachis back in Cleveland. But the premier Orange Bad team was not to be denied in this one. The Blank Helmets and the Chargers both held it to one touchdown, but the Chargers just could not prevent the extra field goals at the end of failed drives, and lo and behold, the Chagrins are 'hot' and tied for first the AFC West, at parity gold 6-6, over in the 'real' league.

The Brownies are up against the Packers in Brownieville next week, and, even though the Pack has figured out how to win without Aaron Rodgers at the helm, this will be no gimme.  The perfect season will be on the line next week.

TEXANS 13, TENNESSEE 24
We always think the Texans are one or two injuries away from being a 10-Club team, and it looks  like, at 4-8, that they are gonna make it this year. Impressive.

BUCS 20,  PACKERS 26 (OT)
Same thing for the Bucs, who can't shake the Doormat mantle just yet. The Packers shouldn't be scaring anybody, but apparently the Bucs (4-8) are determined to get back in the Basement.  Bucs QB Jameis Winston's weird flip-fumble for a TD for the Pack was a play we have never seen here in Basement-land.  Wow.

COLTS 10,  JAGUARS 30
Now, a team that goes 4-4 on 4th down can't be ALL bad, but it's good enough for 3-9, but in the AFC side of the Doormat, that puts you in a distant 2nd place to the Browners.  Nothing you can do but just muster on.

Okay, Doormat Denizens, I gotta go fix a flat tire and go get ripped off by a tire salesman, so enjoy your coffee, your warm life, and remember, losing is the standard, winning is...now, why would I know anything about that?? Jaguars officially exit the Basement, with an at least 8-8 finish guaranteed.

AAANNDD THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

NFL Week 13 Doormat Predictions

Remember this guy? Bears didn't just win games, they won wars back then.

Wow, if Giants and Bears lose and 49ers win, we have a three-way grapple for the NFC drain! Browns are running away...from home.

The Parity Party on Thursday night (Cowpies vs. Deadskins) was proof again that there is no joy in watching mediocre teams stumble through a game like zombies at Wal Mart. Unless you are a Cowboys fan—yech—there was little to enjoy. Kirk Cousins is hard at work proving that a “franchise quarterback” is NOT what a team needs to get to the Super Bowl, or even the playoffs, or a .500 record. Yes, a great QB helps, but it takes solid players in the trenches….period.

So Doormats and All Stars are the only shows worth watching in this town, and since we are the Doormat Denizens, its the worst of the NFL that counts.

Looking to this week…

GAME OF THE WEEK!

49ers vs. the Bears. The San Francisco Santa Clarans have won a game! And because they got close to a few other wins, things are looking suspect. Can they lose on the Bears home turf? Of course! But it won’t be easy, because the rock-jawed, five o'clock-shadowed finely sculpted Garappolo (sounds like a bunch of islands full of weird lizards) is about the squeeze the pigskin in his manly fingers and guide the hapless 49ers through the Swiss cheese Chicago secondary. Holes the size of Lake Michigan.

The word on the street in Chicago is that they should have traded for the Garappolo when instead of drafting Trubisky. But they didn't. So now, "Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes… The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria. That may or may not be a quote from Ghostbusters, but it certainly feels like what Bears fans are experiencing right now. (Chicago Tribune Sports)." 

Trubisky actually tripped over his own feet several times against the Eagles, and I have gathered that he's been in an alley with some old squinty-eyed guy chasing a chicken in the hope that his footwork will improve. As far as I know, he wasn't eating any chicken.

This isn't the 3-game winning team of last year, it's much worse. Can they continue to get blown out as they did against the Eagles (31-3)? Uh, the Eagles were a cinch,  a cream puff loss, and SF will be a difficult game to lose.

The scaley Garoppolo makes losing questionable for the Niners, and the Bears have their own thing going for the loss--they can't tackle at the line, and Jordan Howard can run. The bottom line? San Francisco has a 1-10 record and the Moldy Carpet at stake; they have to lose this game or the Bears and Giants will be right on their ass. The game is at Soldier Field, the Bears may have to win just in order to escape the stadium alive. So at this moment, it is anybody's loss. But I am going with the Whiners.

And now the predictions:

49ers- 20

Bears- 24

Buccaneers- 17

Packers- 12

Colts- 10

Jaguars- 13

Broncos- 10

Miami- 9

(This is the AFC doormat game of the week. Anyone could lose this one at any moment. Tough call.)

Chiefs- 20

Jets- 21

(Yes, Chiefs are in a total swan dive)

Texans- 17

Titans- 24

Browns- 17

Chargers- 33

(Another journeyman loss. The Browns are so good at this it's getting boring, even if they go 0-16).

Giants- 17

Raiders- 21

(This should be a very interesting game. Giants have no business winning this one, but they might).

The Oracle has spoken!