FINAL WEEK 2 STANDINGS and daBARES!

FINAL WEEK 2 STANDINGS

We're only listing teams with NO wins, until the levee breaks.

SEAHAGS 17,  daBARES  24,

Nothing like a killer pick six out by the sidelines to wrap up a game! Seahags appear to have what it takes for a losing record, but can they lose 10?  Bears DE Kahlil Mack harasses Seattle QB Russel Wilson all day, and for some reason the Raiders have no pass rush at all.  So strange.  Raiders coach Gruden said yesterday that 'players have to step up.'  If they step up anymore, they'll be offsides. As bad as the Bears may ultimately be, this game was a crucial Doormat contest.  The Seahags won.


DOORMAT DIVISION
WEEK 2 

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-2           6         58       -52
Detroit          0-2          44       78       -34
Giants          0-2           28       40       -12

Seattle          0-2           41      51        -10

    

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Buffalo         0-2          23         78       -55

Oakland        0-2          32         53       -21
Houston        0-2          37        47       -10
Cleveland     0-1-1       39        42       -3
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!

-wacko

WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PERFECT SEASON PARADE PLANS!!!

PERFECT SEASON PARADE PRESERVED!!

SOME PERSPECTIVE

Director John Waters once said:  "When I say action, you pick up that poodle poop and eat it."  Wait, that's not the right quote...here:  "I used to play "school" as a kid with the little girl who lived next door, and I was always the teacher and she was always the student.  Every time we played I failed her, yet she still eagerly agreed to play every time I asked, fully knowing the results. Failing can be a relief for some. A sexual position. A way of life. A choice. Some kind of happiness the never lets you down."  

Is this it, Doormat fans?  Cleveland?  Colts?  Cincinnati?  We gotta find some kinda something here in the Basement.  We gotta be able to count on our guys.  Fill the Blank Helmet chips bowl, and fish out the stale salsa from the back of the fridge.  It's our turn.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 14

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-11         199       321    -122

SANTA CLARA         3-10         228      314     -86

CHICAGO                 4-9           224      274      -50

TAMPA BAY              4-9           264      312     -48
WASHBINGTON       5-8          285      344      -59

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-13        197      335      -138
INDIANAPOLIS         3-10        212     343      -131
DENVER                    4-9          229      315      -86
HOUSTON                 4-9          312      335      -23
CINCINNATI               5-8          226      271      -45
NY JETS                    5-8          266      311      -45       

THE GAMES

GAME OF THE YEAR

BROWNS 21, PACKERS 27 (OT)

Faced with the most difficult challenge of the season, the Cleveland Browns brought home the Excedrin yesterday in Green Bay, rallying from up 14 points in the 4th quarter (in what looked like a sure victory) to force a tie and then crisply blowing it in OT (a DeShone Kizer Hail Whoever interception on the 3rd play deeeep in their own territory), nailing down loss #13 and preserving the Perfect Season Parade, which cleared their $10,000 budget mark by getting a $7,000 bump from the nice people at Excedrin, who announced that they "feel your pain."  

They'd better be feeling it today, because that was the art of losing played like a Stradivarius in the hands of a frozen-fingered out of tune accordion busker on the corner of Lou Groza Blvd and Pearl St. outside Browns headquarters in Cleveland. May the swirling hot dog wrappers of disappointment settle upon your prostrate frame, providing thin cover from the cold, as you stare up into the gray sky, wondering what you ever did to deserve this...being a Browns fan. 

It was a bizarre game, all right.  Brownout fans were subjected to THREE long touchdown drives, the first time all season they've had to survive this sort of production, with the suspense of the anticipated turnover after about 5 plays causing brain aneurysms all over the Cleveland area. But no- the Browns just kept scoring. But from great heights comes vertigo and the defense stepped in where the offense couldn't, and just ran out of gas, and 20 points never looked so easy to give up. It was killer.

Hats off to the entire Browns organization on this one, and all that's left is the Bears on Christmas Eve, the last serious challenge to the Perfect Season.  The Parade?- Jan. 6th, Browns sufferers, is the date to pull yourselves up off the concrete, put on every inch of brown and orange you have, and join the procession that will be the Perfect Season Parade.  It's your only hope.  

***********************************

The Perfect Season Parade is real, BTW- here's where you too can donate:

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-20

All proceeds, should the Browns win a game, will go to the Cleveland Food Bank, which is what they did last year after the Browns beat the Chargers for their only win.  Kind of makes one want to root for the Brownies to win just one, no?  Make a donation.  

BATTLE FOR THE ORANGE 

BENGALS 7,  BEARS 33

In our Orange You Bad division big game yesterday, it was no contest, as the Bungles out-oranged the Bears beyond all dimension, and blew, and I say blew the Bears off the field and into the win column. After last Monday's brawl vs. the Steelers, the Bengals had to field the video simulation squad, dressed to look like a defense. The Bears had no chance against this, and piled up the most points they've had all year. Andy Dalton and the Bungle offense chipped in an early touchdown and retired to the sidelines for the remainder. 

The Bengals have 3 games to go, and if they pull the plug on the roster and ice everybody down now, which looks like a good bet, they'll make the 10-loss club and be back in the Basement for a long, long loooooong winter.

BLIZZARD BALL!!!!

COLTS 7, BILLS 13

When the first possession of the game ends on downs, and punting seems like a dubious thing to try, you know you are in for a helluva game. Now, if only the Buffalo Bills can dial up a foot and a half of snow for every remaining game, they'll make the playoffs.  As long as nobody can see which way the goalposts are, and your cleats turn into snowballs if you run more than 5 feet, the Bills have a shot. 

Locked in a invisible snowball fight with the Colts for Doormat icebox supremacy,  the Nils unveiled their deep-freeze secret weapon: No, not the snow plow- 3rd string QB Joe Webb!  Joe, where ya been?  After QB Nathan Peterman- clearly cooled off from his blazing 5-interception debut a few weeks ago- disappeared in a snow drift on the sideline, the elusive Webb entered the fray and completed 2 passes.  But he only needed one. Rolling right, Webb uncorked a  34-yard flotation device in overtime to what may have been Deonte Thompson's arms sticking up out of the snow, setting up the game winning 21-yard non-slip demonstration by LeSean McCoy into what appeared to be an end zone to...WIN A GAME.  

The Clots, with Denver's win yesterday, move into sole possession of second place in the AFC Doormat.  

49ERS 26, TEXANS 16

He's Italian!  If you squint real hard, his #10 looks like #16.  He doesn't look nearly dorky or unlikely enough, but 49er fans don't care!  He's the new Joe Montana!! They're going to the Super Bow-  

Wait a minute. The Texans- they should decide on a pass defense that follows receivers and stuff. And maybe don't have defensive ends running 20 yards downfield in pass coverage.  Probably a bad idea. The 49ers sure aren't going to lose many more contests if they have QB Jimmy Garoppolo piling up 300-yard games. This is no way to stay with the Giants, that's for sure.  

The Texans, at 4-9, have the Jags, Steelers and Colts left to get at least one more huge L and make the 10-Club. Says here they do it. The Whiners still have the Titans, Jags and Rams left on the to-do list, so they can still lose the next 3, though the Titans are the shakiest 8-5 team in the league.  But, let's face it, Jimmy G guy may not be Joe Cool, but he's a real QB. Doormats don't have real QBs.  A ray of happiness descends on the Red and Gold Faithful.  

GIANTS 10, COWBOYS 30

Not even a hated rival in a long long rivalry can get the Flailing Giants into any sort of danger of winning.  But it's not a lock, yet- the 49ers are playing playoff teams for the last 3 games, and the Flailers get the Eagles with no Carson Wentz, and then the Cardinals and the Skins, so...they have to be just hitting the hot tub and trying not to get injured at this point, right?  There's nobody even at the helm.  

EAGLES 43, RAMS 35

Yeah, I know they aren't Doormats anymore, and kind of never were, but losing Carson Wentz for the rest of the season and playoffs really hurts, man.  That game yesterday was just flat out fun, and now...poof. 

JETS 0,  BRONCOS 23

Riding an 8-game losing streak, the Broncos run into a buzzsaw of futility, and get spit out into the win column by the Basement-ready New York Jets. The Nyets uncorked a 6-first down masterpiece of nothing: 100 total yards and 8 punts of a magic disappearing act by the offense, and the defense ran out of oxygen just running their competitive flab out onto the field from the locker room into the thin air of Denver. Wheeze.

Jets move to within a game of the Broncos, and are slouching towards the 10-club.

Sorry to see QB Josh McCown, who has had the best year of his career, get knocked out for the season with a hand injury. The Jets are close to being Parity Promising, but just zero-out every coupla games and lose like they mean it.  

RAIDERS 15, CHIEFS 26

I know this is a Parity game, but the Silver and Blacked Out looked so bad, in a game that was huuuuuge. Whoa. Raider QB Derek Carr just keeps waiting until later and later to start playing ball. Pretty soon, he'll finally be on his game in the after-game press conference. 

In fact, I think he was yesterday. Starting games like you have no idea how to get downfield is a top-down planning thing, so hat's off to the Raider coaching staff for this bomb.

TITANS 7, CARDINALS 12

The Titans are 8-5 and in the playoff sniff, but you'd never know it watching this one.  Doormat All-Star Blaine Gabbert is steering the Cardinal van, and he's doing a good job of keeping it out of the end zone, but 4 field goals still hangs a W on your scorecard when the Titans shut it down like they did yesterday.  Ka-lunk!

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is a not a done deal yet, fans.  The Browns gotta cash in two more losses to lock it down, as the Giants show no sign of letting up.  

aaaAAAAAND That's the View From the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!

WEEK 15 REPORT: Turn off Your Mind, Relax and Float downstream. And Fumble.

BROWNS REACH NEW LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS!

49ers ACHIEVE HISTORIC LEVELS OF...OF...

BEARS DO IT AGAIN!

JAGS TRYING SO HARD TO BE THE WORST!

VIKINGS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! WITH A HAMMER!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      0-14
Jacksonville -   2-12
NY Jets -          4-10
San Diego -      5-9
Cincinnati -       5-8-1


NFC
San Francisco - 1-13
Chicago -           3-11
Los Angeles -     4-10
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-9

Arizona               5-8-1

THE GAMES

BROWNS 13, BILLS 33
The Browns haven't had a lead since 7-6 at halftime of the Nov. 10th game vs. the Ravens.  They're 3-27 over the last two years. They knew the Bills were going to run the ball yesterday, and, sure enough the Bills ran the ball...280 yards of it for a 7.0 per run average.
The Browns opened the game with a 12-yard run for a first down- which was nullified by a holding penalty.  Welp!  Time to hit the tailgate out in the parking lot! I'll refill the cooler! Please don't text me. 

The Brownies are in the Blank Zone. The Blank Helmet Zone. They are, literally, The Blanks. They are free of hindrances, the way ahead is open, I can hear a parade of sorts: a grimy, kicked to the curb kind of parade, I hear car horns and smell fumes and a barrel of tallow behind the dumpster in back the greasy spoon serving Brownie Bake Sale items.  Bring back Chomps. Somebody go to the Dawg Pound and find something, anything, to take to an off-leash area (say, the 45-yard line) and see if something happens. But bring your plastic bags.
Next loss: at San Diego.  Well, at least they'll get warm. 

49ERS 13, ATLANTA 41,OOO
Has anybody noticed that the Falcons are kinda doing a Doormat Blow-Out Tour?  This game coulda been a 600 yard, 60 point affair. Whiners hit milestone...and had to be carted off the field. They are now not only the losing-est team in 49er history (and there's been some lulus), they also have given up more yards than any 49er ever ever ever. 38 years kind of ever. Yesterday's 500 Falcon yards put them well over the top. But it wasn't called a Falcon 500. It was a Galaxy 500.

As usual, the Whines were kind of playing football for the first half, and then did not play football for the 2nd half (yet there was a game going on!), scoring zero points and amassing 4 first downs. That's grit. Like sand in your hot dog in the dark by the smoky fire at the beach grit. They are nothing if not consistent, and, they are also nothing. The Yin and Yang of their losing perhaps surpasses the Browns.  But the Browns still have the big zero, so shut up.

JAGS 20, TEXANS 21
I really do wish someone had the nerves to beat the Texans. The Jags tried so hard to lose this- only 9 first downs and 12 penalties, I mean that's trying- but there they were, yet again AHEAD (20-10) for no good reason going into the 4th quarter.  The Gaguar offense punted mercilessly for the entire second half, thwarted only by an errant kick-off return for a touchdown that put the whole thing in jeopardy.  But the non-offense pulled it off, and the defense got tired and there was no coffee (they also ran out of cups, but that's actually a different subject).   Jags right behind the Whines and Blanks at 2-12. 

LAMBS 3, SEAHAWKS 24
Yes, I know this was on Thursday, which is like an ice age ago in football, but I just want to point out that the Lambs keep scoring less and less points and are still under 200 (197) points scored for the year.  Wouldn't that be something if they could hold it there?  It would be a fitting tribute to fired coach Jeff Fisher, the only 'mercy firing' I've ever seen in my entire life. Or maybe he went in there and begged to get fired to avoid becoming the losing-est-est coach of all time.  I dunno.  They should have had this one still count on his watch.  Just to give him something to remember his time in the NFL by.  Bye-bye Jeff!  The Doormat was your friend.  No, you can't come in.  I said "WAS."

VIKINGS 6, COLTS 26
The Colts need to play the Vikings every week.  They'd be in the Super Bowl.  Everybody'd be in the Super Bowl.  It'd be like a Super Bowl Smorgasborg, with all the drinks poured into Viking horns. The busboys are all named Thor. 

The Yikings first 6 possessions yesterday: Punt, Punt, Punt, Fumble, Interception, Fumble.  It would have been nice if they'd mixed up the punts and turnovers, but you can't argue with that score. Don't argue with guys named Thor, either.  Even though in Sweden every 3rd guy is named Thor.  It's how the Scandinavians have gotten along so well.

BEARS 27, PACKERS 30
No matter what it takes, no matter how tantalizingly close the score may be, put you money on the Bears.  They did it AGAIN, making it even more insanely close with the Pack kicking a field goal with :00 on the clock. This after the Bears tied it with 1:19.  How DO they do it?
Man, wow.  I notice Matt Barkley has the triple-interception thing going now, so Jay Cutler can relax.

OK I gotta make Doormat Christmas Cards, all with that special Doormat Scent!  

AAAaaaaAANd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

The Doormat Division: NFL Week 11 Report

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11 STANDINGS

NFC

CHICAGO              7-3      +84  

CAROLINA           2-8      -59

PHILADELPHIA  3-7      -90

ST. LOUIS              3-6-1   -63

U. OF PHOENIX   4-6      -63

DETROIT               4-6      -10 

AFC

KANSAS CITY      1-9     -132

JACKSONVILLE  1-9     -125

CLEVELAND        2-8     -45

OAKLAND             3-7      -114

TENNESSEE         4-6      -92

BUFFALO              4-6      -69

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BEARS 7,  49ERS 32

   

True, New England racked up 59 points on the Colts, but this was a serious beat-down so bad, Da Bears get an honorary top slot in the NFC Doormat this week.  The Bears played one of the most unprepared games I can remember in recent memory of division leaders squaring off late in the season.  Journeyman QB Jason "Micromanager" Campbell gets pig-piled on by the Smith brothers, and the Bear defense underestimates 49er QB Colin Kaepernick by about 1000%.   The Bears did nothing.  Zip.  There were some loooooong faces in the locker room and at the press conference.  

A year ago, Campbell was leading the Oakland Raiders to a 4-2 record,  playing confidently, if conservatively, and looking like a guy who was in charge.  Then Carson Palmer came swaggering into town with his special skill set, and guided the Raiders to a bumbling 8-8 finish while the Raiders tossed Campbell under the bus.   He hasn't recovered.   

OVERTIME DERBY

What's worse,  playing like a true loser from the opening kickoff and sending your fans home early, or taking it right to the winning cliff in overtime but still finding a way to lose?  I'll take the latter-  because you KNOW your guys are gonna find a way, so why be put through the torture?

JACKSONVILLE 37, HOUSTON 43  (OT)

And who better to carry the banner than the Jaguars- losers of THREE overtime games on the road this year?

The Gaguars tantalized their fans with a 34-20 lead early in the 4th quarter yesterday, but then finally got the Blow-It-All thinking going in earnest, capping it with a defensive gem where Texan WR Andre Johnson, who set the team record for receiving yards with 273 for the day,  was so wide open for the winning TD in overtime that he had to wave the safety over to get into the photo.

"I told them afterwards, we didn't come here for a tie," Jacksonville coach Mike Mularkey said. "We had some chances. We just did not make some of the plays that we haven't made throughout the year."

Coach, coach, COACH.  What you meant to say was "We just made the same plays we've been making all year."  And it paid off.   That's my Jags- play your game of the year, and still lose.  They sure don't play for the tie.  1-9 and still even with the Chiefs for bragging rights in the Doormat AFC.

CLEVELAND 20, DALLAS 23  (OT)

This one is a doormat gem.  The teams did one fumble-fumble sequence (2 turnovers on two plays), always a good sign.  With 1:09 left in the game, after artfully blowing one 1st and goal opportunity, the Browns fall into the end zone and take the lead.  But 1:09 is more than enough time to lose if DB Sheldon Brown (for the Browns!) can rack up a 35-yard pass interferene call.   BOOM the Cowpies tie it up at the end of regulation.  In OT, the Browns get a fumble recovery waved off, and narrowly avoid having the chance at victory.   Cowpies boot a FG and win a game that spent more time with referee replay commentary than they did with advertisements, which is impressive.  Oscar performance from Referee Ed Hochuli, as hundreds of fans ended up in comas.

CAROLINA 21,  BUCCANEERS 27  (OT)

And who else to cap off the futile nearly winning formula than the always creative Carolina Panthers?  On paper, these guys should win some games.  But we aren't playing rock, PAPER, scissors.   5 of the last 6 Pansies losses were Come-From-Ahead games where they blew the lead in the 4th quarter!!  And yesterday was no exception-  ahead 21-10 entering the fourth quarter, the Pansies stop playing defense and the Bucs whiz by the Kings of Fade.   Carolina 2-8 and still in the driver's seat in the Doormat NFC.   The heated chairs in the Pansy coach's office just went up to 'butt-scorch.'

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

KANSAS CITY 6,  CINCINNATI 28

There's really nothing to say about the Cheaps that hasn't already been said.   Other than after last night's 49er game they probably couldn't dial the phone fast enough to ask the Niners if Alex Smith is available yet.   And this may be Alex's reward for becoming a solid NFL QB.  Arrow-thru-the-Headache future.

I bet they have some rotary phones over there at Cheaps headquarters.

CARDINALS 19,  ATLANTA 23

Another beautiful fade job from the guys who were once 4-0.  Six straight unmistakable Doormat losses.    Sayonara, University of Phoenix.   Seven first downs.   Eight punts.  It was only an illusion they were in the game.

MIAMI 14, BUFFALO 19

Somebody had to win.   The Rams and Niners might argue.

OAKLAND 17,  NEW ORLEANS 38

It was much, much worse.  This was so bad.  It's team-wide.  The Raiders have been outscored now, after those inspiring half-time talks, 123-34 this season in the 3rd quarter.  I wonder if we can get the Raider staff to come to the Basement and do a master class on this phenomena with, hopefully, a video montage of every halftime 'adjustment' session this season.   There's never been anything quite like it.

ST. LOUIS  13,  NY JETS 27

Only the Lambs can make the Jets look viable.   A week after their best tie of the year, the Lambs blow a real chance to win a game against a real bad team.  Not some pretend bad team, a real one.  But this is when the pros step in and take care of business.  And the Lambs have been at this longer than the Jets.  

PHILADEPHIA  6,   WASHINGTON 31

The Feebles fire their coach and then discover it's the same guys going out on the field.   These guys are one Carolina victory away from elbowing their flabby way into first in the Doormat.  WHAT A NOSE DIVE.   I'm on board.

INDIANAPOLIS  24,  NEW ENGLAND 59

Not so fast, DOLTS.  Remember last year?  Yes?  Good.

aaAAAAAAAND That's the View from the Basement!!!

SeaHags Finish with Style, Panache, and a Slip-n-Slide

Chicago Bears 35, SeaHags 24

Matt Hasselbeck gets ready to throw one through Mike Williams

Finish Strong!

Putting on a Doormat performance only we can love, the Seattle SeaHags did the Doormat Division- and the NFC Worst- proud yesterday at Soldier Field.

They did it all- getting stuffed by a brick wall of a defensive line, somehow scraping out 34 yards of rushing offense, going 3-173 on 3rd down conversions, playing hi-larious pass defense, and coming up with THE MOST FUMBLE FINGERED performance of all time.

Special, special, special props to Seahags wide receiver Mike Williams, who must have dropped at least 12 (maybe it was 271) passes yesterday, more than half of Seattle's incomplete passes. I honestly have never seen somebody have a more fumble fingered game. Yes it was COLD out there, so I'll let a couple of rocks bounce off your hands....but almost every single one? Wow!

But let's not stop there- the Seattle defensive secondary got into the act, missing TWO golden opportunities to snag an INT early in the game, including a goal line gimme that probably would have gone 99 the other way, keeping the game close. Jay Cutler tried- he really did- to throw this game early. Once he saw what he was up against, he switched gears and went for the win.

To top it off, the Hags staged a classic Doormat Futile Comeback, hopelessly far behind at 28-0, the Hags score 21 points in the 4th quarter to finish seemingly close, 35-24. They never had a chance, so the pressure's off! Go nuts! Still lose!

Hags finish out the season TWO games under .500, 8-10, but into the second round of the playoffs. Watch out for these guys next year, there's no telling what kind of record they can get into the playoffs with. 6-10? They still made the TEN club. I'm just in AWE.

aaaAAAAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Seahawks, Bears Playoff Game Preview from the NFL Doormat Division

The Seattle Seahags are in  the hunt for the Superbowl, and will dive into Soldier Field like an Osprey on a spawning salmon to take on the fearsome Chicago Bears in an NFC playoff showdown this Sunday. Unfortunately, the Bears will grab the salmon first and smack them in the face with it all day long.

Yes, the Seahawks are 2-6 on the road this year, but they beat Chicago in one of those road games. So it CAN be done, and Pete Carol is the coach and Marshawn Lynch could go Beast Mode.

But let's face it, the Bears can out-hit, out-muscle, and out-crazy anyone. Have you watched any Bears games this year? When that defense is clicking, it's scary.

So the Oracle from the Basement predicts the Bears will win, 38-3. Seahawks will get 6 first down.

But I hope I am wrong, because the Oracle already predicted in December that the NFC West champion would make it to the NFC Conference Championship game.

So I'm going to flop like a salmon on the deck of fishing boat and go out on a thin limb here and change my prediction: Seahags 28, Bears 24.

I'm going out for another keg of Hamms and some Costco brand chips and salsa for the game. See you in the basement!!

Are they afraid of Bears in Seattle? I don't think so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FARnbRBWKGg

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK IV WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK IV WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

I took the day off from losing, and rode the street-car down to the waterfront and caught the Giants nailing down the NL West in style, shutting down the San Diego Friars 3-0. Basking in the reflected glory and general goodwill of a winning season gives just all the more contrast, and perspective, to Early Onset Lost Season. Though mediocrity is spread very evenly this year so far, we’ve got Lost Season established in four major American cities.

And Here are Your Four Un-Victorious Teams!!

San Francisco 0-for-Niners (0-4) lost to Atlanta 16-14

Losing on a last second FG after fumbling the game-saving interception is perfect Doormat ball. Their only salvation is they are in the NFL’s own Doormat Division, the NFC west, which is being led by the St. Louis Lambs, for cryin’ out loud, who won their first back-to-back games for the first time in MORE than two seasons. The Seahags are already sinking, ready to fill the void the Lambs have left, except….the NINERS are already there!! Ha! Actually, the Cardinals are listed as being in 1^st, because they are 1-0 in the division, but the Lambs are the only one with a positive PF-PA (77-52) so they get nod here in the Basement. We know what’s what.

Carolina Pansies (0-4) loss: NO 16, Pansies 14

They were actually ahead in this one, just like the Niners, and, just like the Niners, lost on a FG in the 4^th quarter (John Carney, oldest surviving football player). Saints are not world beaters right now, they may not even be egg beaters, but they are Doormat Beaters..just. Pansies somehow scored two TDs, first time this season, and got 10 first downs, also a rarity. It’s time to give up in Carolina.

Detroit Kittens (0-4) loss: 28-24 to Packers

QB Sean Hill keeps them close, and also keeps throwing killer interceptions. You can’t come from behind and win by kicking 4 FGs. At some point, you have to get across the goal-line.

Buffalo Nils (0-4) loss: 38-14 to Jets

Bills defense isn’t good anymore, like last year. Now, they are bad on both sides of the ball. It’s a landslide of a slippery slope over there by Lake Erie, and the toxic stench STARTS at Nils headquarters. This is far and away the odds-on favorite to take the Moldy Carpet. 9 punts, 12 first downs, and only 19:30 of possession- they did their part to put up a stiff, but the Jets had other plans.

Last team to make the playoffs after starting 0-4? The 1992 San Diego Chargers.

None of these clowns are going to do that. Kittens only team I predict will actually win 2 in a row at some point.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Lambs 20, SeaHags 3

Lambs WIN! TWO IN A ROW!!!!!!

Sam Bradford has them believing, and it worked for another week. This was our only All-Division game this week, and the Hags stepped up and took the loss from the reigning Champion, so we know what’s on their minds.

STIFF OF THE WEEK!!

Giants 17 Care-Bears 3

Though the Giants eventually righted themselves in the second half, the first half was as dismal a football game as two team can produce on prime-time, where the entire league can watch. Why they would want to, I don’t know. Sacks! Fumbles! Busted plays! Bear QB Jay Cutler goes down 9 times in first half, finally snagging a concussion so he could leave the game, and the Bears go on to do absolutely nothing for the whole game. 6 First downs, 110 total yards (and if their 3^rd string QB hadn’t completed some late passes, they could have kept it under 80 yards!!), 2 yards per pass attempt. Giants fumble it away three times.

Care-Bears are exposed, but 3 of their next 4 games are Doormat teams, so they could STILL look like a winner by mid-season.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Chargers 41 Cardinals 10

Cardinals come in right behind DaBears with 10 first downs, 9 sacks, and 124 total yards, while giving up 419. Now that’s LOSING.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Browns 23 Bengals 20. The Brownies call off the Bake Sale to pull the Bungles down into the cellar with them. Smell that mold! Smell it!! Actually, this looks like it was a pretty fun game. Brownies off the snide! Snide field Nine Miles Wide. Mangini does not get fired.

Gaguars 31 Colts 28 Gaguars blow it again by…wait, what’s that? They WON? Not only that, they got 4 TDs, no turnovers, only 4 punts. Don’t look now, but they are EVEN with Indy in the AFC south.

Raydurz 24 Texans 31

The Raydurz defense had no idea what play the Texans were going to run. The linebackers got run over all game. Bruce Gradkowski somehow kept the game close, and for the first time the Raiders committed less than 10 penalties (only 2). Didn’t matter.

The Silver and Blacked Out played before the smallest home crowd of the year, and boy isn’t that Blackout policy helping put butts in the seats? The Raydurz already put their butts on the ground all game long. Let’s put a cooler out at the 50 yard line, so they can at least have a beer whenever they pass by.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 3 Seahags, Bears

First downs: 6 Bears

Total yards: 110 Bears

Rushing: 19 Broncos

Passing: 51 Bears

Sacked: 9 Bears Cardinals

Turnovers: 3 O-for-9ers, Bears, Cardinals

Penalties: 13 for 102 Kittens. Tennessee had 10 for 111, too. And it probably killed them.

Time of Possession: 19:30 NILS