DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL!!
Wading through the empty Pabst and Green Death cans this
morning, which always makes me nostalgic for fall, I realized that this is what it must feel like playing the
Raiders, Chiefs and Titans defenses.
The cans look formidable, but actually have almost no mass. Just keep moving forward, and the
obstacles fall away to the sides, and it’s clear sailing all the way to the end
zone….or the broom closet/office here in the basement.
We have some Doormats who stepped up yesterday- BIG TIME.
DOLPHINS 35
RAIDERS 13
Take a look at this handy chart in this morning’s San
Francisco Chronicle. The ‘Little
Man’ reviews movies, mostly, but he makes a cameo each week for the Raiders and
49ers. If he really likes something
he is falling out of his seat applauding and spilling his popcorn. He isn’t even in his CHAIR for three of
these. He is slightly bemused for the Special Teams. He’s ASLEEP for the offense. Last week, the chair wasn’t even there
for the special teams.
This was supposed to be a Doormat classic, but the Raydurzz
made it a no-doubter quickly, while the Floppers suddenly look like a football
team. If only they had PLAYED a
football team yesterday- then we’d have some way of judging. Raydurz go 1-12 on 3rd
downs, get ONE first down rushing with offensive juggernaut Darren McFadden,
playing with the finest swiss cheese posing as linemen that money can buy, amassing 23 yards. Actually, that’s the total running game…crawling game.
The Raydurzzz are missing on all cylinders, are a solid 0-2,
and shouldn’t get tested until Oct. 21st against Jacksonville,
followed by another contender, the
Cheaps. Thank goodness next
week’s game is at home- the Silver and Blacked Out can concentrate in the no-TV
privacy of their own coliseum, aptly named O.co. The city of Oakland can pretend it’s just not
there. They already do for the
A’s, and they’re winning. Next
loss: Steelers
CHARGERS 38,
TITANS 10
The Titanics (0-2) are back on our masthead, and they really brought it yesterday,
with 9 first downs, 212 Total yards,
7 punts and only 16:21 minutes time of possession!!! That’s a RECORD in our 4 years of
Doormat Stat keeping. These
guys are flying under the radar…six feet under. Next loss:
Detroit
TEXANS 27 JAGUARS 7
The Gaguars (0-2) bring home their usual workman-like job,
nothing flashy, but a solid loss.
They really cleaned up in the stats department: 9 first downs, lowest point total for the week, 117 total yards, NINE punts and a
meager 18 minutes time of possession.
Good luck losing to these guys. Next loss: Colts
BILLS 35, CHIEFS 17
The real score of this game is Buffalo 75, Cheaps 3. It’s been downsized so the city
of Kanas City can swallow it.
Cheaps get two CHEAP meaningless scores late, and give up all the
meaningful scores early. The
Cheaps outgain the Bills, get more first downs, but more than make up for it
with another day of fumbles, INTs and a special teams unit that puts new
meaning in the word ‘special.’
Look out for these guys.
Next loss: New Orleans
(gonna be tough)
BENGALS 34,
BROWNS 27
Really? The
Brownies scored 27 points?!? 439
yards of offense?!? No
interceptions?!?
But they still lost, right? OK, fine then. The Brownies highest yardage total all of last year was 335, and that was against the Rams. Look out! Rookie QB Brandon Weedon- every other person is now named Brandon- plays
a fine game, but keeps it real, and brings home the losing for the DOA
experience that is sports in Cleveland, Ohio. However, if they keep up this kind of offensive showboating,
they are going to win some games and even threaten their chances of staying in
the 10-loss club. Next Loss: Buffalo
GIANTS 41, BUCCANNEERS 34
The Bootineers (1-1) get on the right side of losing with a
stupendous flame-out, allowing 25 fourth quarter points and coming into the
basement with a head-first slide.
Right under the sofa and into the possum nest. 5 interceptions between the two teams, and, honest, a really
wild finish. Boots give up 510
yards passing! These guys look headed for mediocrity. That’s not good enough in the Doormat.
RAMS 31 REDSKINS 28
What better way to learn about losing for RGB III than to
blow one to the Lambs? There
isn’t. The masters of the
bumbling NFL loss still manage 3 turnovers, but it’s not enough and the
Deadskin’s Josh Morgan whips out the killer personal foul penalty in the waning
seconds, pushing his team back to the Mississippi to try a field goal as time
expired. Today, the Rams were no
match for the crafty Deadskinks.
Good God, the Lambs won a game.
PANTHERS 35, SAINTS 27
Resident drummer and prognosticator Elvis predicted the
Aints (0-2) would get off to a horrible start, and he’s looking like a genius
now. I think the preseason
questions about whether they’ll miss their suspended coach have been
asnswered. They can still score,
but the defense is LOST. The
AINTS are back!
COLTS 23 VIKINGS 20
I knew it was going to be tough, but the Yikings (1-1) get
it done. Utilizing both the killer
and costly penalty, the Yikes bumble their way to a futile comeback game. The Colts are teetering on respectability,
but don’t lose faith yet. It’s not
every week they play the Yikings.
However, next week the Dolts get the Gaguars, it’s gonna be tough to not
have a winning record by this time next week. The Yikes are through the tough part of the schedule, and
now can most likely start a string of losses, starting next week with those
white-wine pansies from California, the 49ers.
CARDINALS 20, PATRIOTS 18
Ah, I enjoyed this one yesterday, as did a lot of people,
I’m sure. The Crudinals (2-0) get
only 245 total yards, lose two fumbles, pile up a meager 16 first downs, but
come away with the win in Foxboro.
Woo-Hoo!! Next team they
sneak up on: Eagles
THE WORST NFL STATS FOR WEEK 2, 2012
Points: 7 Jaguars,
Cowboys
First downs: 9 Jaguars,
Titans
Total yards: 117 Jaguars
Rushing: 23 Raiders
Passing: 52 Jaguars
Turnovers: 3 Chiefs,
Giants
Sacked: 6 Bengals
Punts 9 Jaguars
Penalties: 11-105 Vikings
Time of poss: 16:21 Titans
Great wrap, Wacko. It was an amazing Sunday for all of us here in the basement. It looks like a few teams are teetering at the top of the cellar steps: New Orleans, New England, and maybe even Philadelphia. Eagles have two one-point wins against teams that have no teeth and no guts. What happens when the schedule gets into the real football teams like Arizona? Eagles are in trouble again this year.
ReplyDeleteGag stats are amazing. They really suck. I know a guy who moved to Florida and bought a Jaguars hat. After a few weeks of weird looks and even jeers, he realized that even Florida fans are embarrassed by the Gags.
great anecdote. Florida is a football state....wait which state ISN'T a football state? Maine?
ReplyDeleteRhode Island does not come to mind for football. Right now, I'm not even sure it's a state.
ReplyDeleteHey, what do you mean the Ravens have no teeth? I know Ravens don't have teeth, but still. Gags and Lambs have teeth, and it aint helping them any.
actually, the Ravens look like they may trounce just about everybody. For a bunch of old guys, they look pretty fresh. check back in week 12, when getting out of bed by Tuesday is a challenge.
ReplyDeleteYeah, but the last time a bunch of old guys got to the Super Bowl it was the Oakland Raiders in 2002, and boy were they huffing and puffing trying to keep up with the young Tampa Bay Buccaneers who literally ran around them all day. 48-24 I think was the score, and the 24 was mostly meaningless late touchdowns as I recall. Anyway, I disremember now, but I know the Raiders were slow and old and got their asses whipped. So the Ravens, a team and a franchise I really like (except for their pants), will probably finally get tot he Super Bowl sore and tired and boy will they get hammered (and I don't mean at the bar after the game). They better bring oxygen tanks.
ReplyDeleteonly 10 years ago the Raydurzzzz ran into Chucky at the Super Bowl, and Chucky exacted his revenge on Al Davis, and the curse has been in effect ever since.
ReplyDeleteThe Curse of Chucky lives on.
Quothe the Raven, "Nevermore." Hello, Chucky.
ReplyDeleteI was at that Super Bowl in San Diego with Bubba. His sister in Tampa got us the tickets because she worked for Raymond James. We sat in the middle of the Bucs section and went nuts. I had a feeling about Chucky, so I bet $1,000 on the Bucs. It was over before half time. I remember the music system sounded incredible. Before the game we got Santana. Then, The Dixie Chicks did an a cappella version of the National Anthem that blew me away. Halftime was No Doubt with Sting followed by Shania Twain. All the bands sounded fantastic. What a day!
ReplyDeleteI remember all that music. It was easily one of the best, if not the best, roster of musicians for a Super Bowl.
ReplyDelete