Doormat Division NFL Week 4 Wrap-Up and Punt in the Thames

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 4

NFC

                                      W-L                     PF-PA

N.Y. GIANTS               0-4                      61-146

TAMPA BAY               0-4                      44-70                   

ST. LOUIS                    1-3                       69-121             

WASHINGTON            1-3                      91-112

PHILADELPHIA          1-3                      99-138

AFC

                                       W-L                    PF-PA

JACKSONVILLE           0-4                     31-129

PITTSBURGH                0-4                     69-110

OAKLAND                     1-3                     71-91

N.Y. JETS                       2-2                      68-88

BUFFALO                      2-2                      88-93

Phoning it In

The Doormat Division held its annual gridiron exhibition in London yesterday,  which is more than appropriate as London is one of the last places on earth where you can still phone it in and not get your call traced.  Ah, those red boxes, though flashy, remind us of a time when you could make phone calls and nobody knew you made them- the glory of anonymity.  Is Rollo there?

STEELERS 27, VIKINGS 34  

And, boy, wouldn’t the Reelers like some anonymity right now?  Honestly, these two 0-3 teams put on a very entertaining show in London yesterday.  Pretty good offenses, and light defense.  But, the Shower Curtain came away with the loss to remain a perfect 0-4.  The Yikings unveiled Doormat All-Star Matt Cassell at QB yesterday, and this is always the crazy wild card in the game of losing-  the guy off the bench.  Inexplicably, Cassell turns in the best game he’s played since he was playing for the Patriots- and that team was so good a 12-year old could have had a great season as their QB.   Nobody saw this coming.  Steelers still have an offense, but it’s all Big Ben, and he now has to try too hard because their defense is the Shower Curtain (with the shampoo for fluffy hair), and here come the turnovers at the critical moments. 

BOOM!  Reelers in first place tie with Jacksonville in the AFC.  That’s some heady company. 

JAGUARS  3,   COLTS  37

But let’s not get carried away about the Reelers.   The Gaguars are ALL ABOUT the Moldy Carpet, and yesterday was no exception.   205 yards of total offense,  3 interceptions, nine penalties, 14 first downs (kinda high) and 3 points.   And even the points had Doormat style, as the Gags get the classic opening drive field goal, and then shut it down for the rest of the day.  Stellar.  Blaine Gabbert was back at the controls for the Jags, and nothing could give you more confidence for pulling out the L.   Averaging a stingy 7.75 points a game, the Gags are on pace to set the all-time record.  If they can go 0-16 and average under 9 points a game, they’ll be the worst team of all time.   The Big Time.

The Jags have their own Doormat Special in London later this season (it really is a Doormat affair!), but next week is the challenge- the LAMBS in St. Louis.  If the Gags can get by them, they can get by anybody.  

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BUCANNEERS 10,  CARDINALS 13           

15 punts.  2 TDs.   18 penalties.  6 turnovers.  What a battle!  You could go take a whiz and go through the beer line and be back in your seat and miss 8 possessions and not miss a thing. Here we are in week 4, and Tampa Bay still can’t shake off the field.   Losing 3 of 4 in the final seconds and playing atrocious football has gotten them no separation.  The NY Gnats are right there.

And the Crudinals gave them everything they could handle yesterday.  Benching QB Josh Freeman for rookie Mike Glennon was risky, but the Boots continue their expert late game heroics and the Crudinals are forced to kick a field goal and win the game with 1:29 on the clock.

Add to the indignity that the 0-4 Bootineers have to take the week off, and the Gnats host the Pheebles.  Is that the game where Chip Kelly’s offense gets to look great, or do the Gnats score 48, against their will, and win a game?  When the other team keeps giving you the ball back every 14 seconds, sooner or later you are going to score by accident.  You can bet your ass the Bucs will be watching that one.  

NY GIANTS 7,  KANSAS CITY  31           

8 punts,  11 first downs,  3 turnovers.  Need I say more?  Not since 1954 has a team started a season by allowing 30+ points and at least 3 turnovers in the first 4 games.  Wow.  Kansas City continues to be the resurrected Doormat, now 4-0 and the Gnats (0-4)  have rushed in to fill their place in the pantheon.   Arrowhead stadium actually shakes when the cheering reaches a certain level,  and it’s getting there all the time right now.  Holy Cow.  Gnats don’t even bother to score after the first quarter bomb to Cruz.  I knew the Gnats were going to be knocking on the Doormat patio door this year, but geez these guys have taken over the rumpus room and we can’t get them off the couch.   Lotta flies buzzing around the pizza. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

The AFC North and the NFC East don’t have a team with a winning record.

BROWNS 17, BENGALS 6

When these two teams play, it doesn’t really matter who is supposed to be better-  it’s Doormat Old Home Week.  The Brownies- you gotta hand it to them.  They never do anything right.  Two weeks ago, the management clearly goes into full tank mode, trying to find the Chris Painter (Colts QB in the ‘tank’ season 2 years ago) in QB Brian Hoyer, and what happens?  They win TWO IN A ROW.

TITANS 38,  JETS 13

Titans QB Jake Locker is having the game of his NFL career, and then he gets popped hard and hits the turf with a hip injury.  We really hate to see that happen, when a Doormat is clearly finding victory where only losing used to be.  If Locker is hurt bad,  the Titans could yet go in a tailspin.   The Nyets ARE the tailspin.  

BILLS 23,  RAVENS 20           

Two Doormat upsets in one weekend!  The Nils stuff the Ravens running game (24 yards) and Jay Flacco hurls FIVE interceptions.  Just try and lose when you’re up against that kind of effort.   Nils still get off 8 punts, so don’t give up hope.

PHEEBLES 20,  BRONCOS 52

Looks like the Eagles are getting the hang of the new offense.  Eagles style.   Biggest loss since 1972.  

RAIDERS  14,  REDSKINS 24

QB Matt Flynn comes in for the Raiders and turns in a stellar performance of indecision,  inaccuracy and hitting the infield (the A’s play there too, last stadium that does that).   Matt Flynn WAS a grounder yesterday.  As expected, he was booed unmercifully, a Raider tradition since the Dan Pastorini days (1980).   The Raydurz didn’t have either of their running backs either, so, really, the Deadskins didn’t have a chance.  The Black Hole sucks up another loss.  And Black Holes can absorb a lot of them.

NFL WEEK 4 WORST STATS

Points:            3    Jags

First downs:  11    Giants

Yards:           205       Jags

Rush:             24 (2.6 avg)  Ravens

                        40  (2.2 avg.)  Jags

Pass:             91    Seahawks  (and they WON)

Sacked:          7      Raiders 

Turnovers :     5     Ravens

Punts:             8     Giants, Bucs, Bills

Penalties:       11-99  Bills

aaaAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!