THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 3

The Doormat Division WEEK 3:  New Faces in the Basement!

The Doormat Division would like to welcome some new members to the Basement this week, show them around,  let them know where the stale beer is kept, where we empty the ashtrays (the grill), who gets to sit in the barcalounger (the Gaguars), and what to feed the possum (cold nachos).  

The 0-3 New York Giants!   The Midgets?  The Shrimps?  Giving up an average of 38 points a game, and hitting that mark perfectly yesterday (38-0 loss to fellow Doormat Carolina), the Midgies are a runaway train wreck that wasn’t even on the rails to begin with.

The 0-3 Pittsburgh Steelers!  Okay, I know that's not a door mat, but I don't even know what it is, so I want one.   Though no surprise, it’s refreshing to have the Shower Curtain here in the basement, bringing some grit to the atmosphere.  The Torn Curtain?  The Stinkers? It was so quiet during the Steelers game last night, I could hear the fan’s teeth grinding.   In a hail of turnovers (5), the Steelers come storming into the Basement.

THE STANDINGS

NFC

                        W-L          PF-PA

NY Giants        0-3           54-115

Tampa Bay       0-3           34-57

Washington      0-3           67-98

Minnesota        0-3            81-96

Forty-Whiners  1-2           44-84        

AFC

                        W-L         PF-PA

Jacksonville     0-3           28- 92

Pittsburgh        0-3            42-76

Cleveland        1-2            47-64

Buffalo            1-2            65-73

Raiders            1-2             NA

Okay I shouldn’t put the Raiders up there because they haven’t played the Broncos yet, but let’s be realistic.   

THE WRAP

This will be brief, as this new job I have demands that I show up and other annoyances.

BROWN OUT NO!

BROWNS 31, YIKINGS 27

Browns management starts the full-tank plan, but the players don’t get the message, and Cleveland suburb native QB Brian Hoyer goes out and propels the bumbling bumblers of bumble to a victory over the 0-3 Yikings who are losing by close margins in every game.  That’s the perfect setup for a blow out next week.   Hoyer throws 3 interceptions, but the Yikes answer with 4 turnovers of their own and BLAM!  The Browns take the win.  QB Brandon Weeden will never get his job back.   Until the Browns lose one.  8 turnovers in the game.  Doormat special of the week.

INDIANAPOLIS 27,  FORTY-WHINERS 7  (1-2)

When you have just as many punts as points, and more turnovers than touchdowns, we notice.  Andrew Luck sticks it to his old coach (and appears to really really enjoy it).  Hey, the Niners scored a touchdown yesterday, so maybe things are looking up.  Their star defensive end just went into rehab,  both of QB Colin Kaepernick’s favorite receivers are out, and the Niner defense looks like they want to play patty-cake.   It wasn’t THAT long ago the Niners were members of the basement, and one more loss and they can start to get comfortable.  Kaepernick looks young, the defense looks tired, the o-line can’t  block, and nobody’s open.  How’re the Chiefs doing, anyway?

DETROIT 27,  WASHINGTON 20  (0-3)

The Lions beat the Deadskins in Washington for the first time ever – last time they beat them was in 1939 in Boston.   Ever notice how the Lions hold the record for almost every amazing feat of futility?

GAGUARS 17,  SEAHAWKS  45

Another tidy beat-down for the Gags, and 0-3 never looked more reliable.

BOOTINEERS  3,  PATRIOTS 23

Tampa Bay is averaging a little over 11 points a game.   The record is 9.  Keeping pace with JAX.

PHEEBLES  16,  CHIEFS 26

Hard to believe the Pheebles are losing pretty smartly and can’t even crack the top 5 in the Doormat NFC.  And we thought all the bad teams were in the AFC.  Ha!

TITANICS 20,  CHARGERETTES 17

The Blots lose yet another close one in the final moments!  Things are better in San Diego. Really.  Honest.  But you can only see it if you don’t watch the 4^th quarter.

MIDGETS 0,  PANTHERS  38

In a true Doormat matchup, the Midgets outclass the Pansies.  It’s no contest. 

CRUDINALS 7, SAINTS 31

Let’s not forget about the Cruds.  They may not have all the glamour of our 0-3 teams, but they are RIGHT THERE.

JETS 27, BILLS 20

Somebody had to win. The Jets commit TWENTY penalties for 168 yards.  Holy Mackerel. 

COWBOYS 31,  RAMS 7

Rams also mail in a solid reminder that these guys aren't leaving the Basement just YET, thank you very much.  After all, ALL of our ashtrays are from the Rams store.  C'mon Lambs!

NFL WEEK 3 WORST STATS

Points:     0    Giants

First downs:  10   Giants

Yardage:  150   Giants   (is it a sweep?)

Rush:    35    Rams

Pass: 90      Giants

Sacked:  8   Bills

Turnovers:  5   Steelers

Punts:  8    Cardinals

Penalties:  20- 168  Jets

AaaAAAAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!