WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and PARITY PARTY

PARITY IS A...SIX LETTER WORD

BROWNS AND NINERS BURN THE BACON PROPERLY,

EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDS TO DECIDE

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK SIX

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-6            113      146   -33

NY GIANTS               1-5            105     132    -27

CHICAGO                 2-4            105      148    -43

ARIZONA                  3-3            119      158   -39

DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-6           94       157    -63
INDIANAPOLIS         2-4          119      195   -76

OAKLAND                2-4           124     126     -2

LA CHARGERS        2-4           116     131    -15

CINCINNATI              2-3           84       83       +1

BROWNS LOOK UNSTOPPABLE

BROWNS 17, TEXANS 33

The Clowns did it all yesterday-  piles of penalties, dropped passes, 3 interceptions, flailing defense, and a sequence of possessions that goes into the Doormat Hall of Fame. 

Here's the sequence:  1st quarter-  Punt, Punt (both 3 and outs), then arduous 10 play drive that pays off with Kevin Hogan interception returned 82 yards for Texan TD.  Following up five plays later, Hogan whips another interception!  Then, Punt, Punt (both 3 and out) and then 5 play INTERCEPTION drive!  Then after the half,  PUNT (3 and out, thank you), SAFETY (variety is the spice of life),  Punt (5 plays...why?), PUNT, PUNT...and....FUTILE TOUCHDOWN with 01:49 left on the clock.  Scoring your only offensive touchdown with less than 2 minutes to go in the game is a must, if you want to compete in this league.

Wait, that's the whole game. I missed a field goal in there, somewhere.  But there are things to learn here-  Any drive going over 3 plays should then be terminated with an interception. Can you just feel the suspense for Brown fans when Blank Helmet Football creeps past the 4th play on any drive?

SO, WHAT NOW, CLEVELAND?

The Blanks have had 3 winning seasons since 1988.  Three.  Remember, they left town, and, insanely, a NEW Browns team was created, molded from the mud at the Mistake By the Lake, no doubt.  In an effort to help, the Doormat Division held an official conference yesterday with the Commissioner of our august organization conducting the proceedings.  We even kicked the 'possum out onto the patio, we were so serious.

OUR OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATION (should you want to win a game):

Fire your GM. Twice. Then fire (1-21) Hue Jackson, once he gets back from swimming in Lake Erie. Now. He doesn't even get to change out of his wet suit. Then hire someone to run a read-option offense (Chip Kelly is so available he isn't even wearing Oregon colors...whatever those might be).  Sign Colin Kaepernick, and start a fire under everybody's butts. Compared to what's going on now, these are GOOD IDEAS.  That says something, all right.

Then SELL the team to a new owner, preferably a consortium of rock stars and hip-hop artists (Duffy, Puff Daddy, Jay Z, Sammy Hagar, Alice Cooper...u-pick), partner with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, have a roster of performers for the National Anthem that just blows your mind, and change this:

The name of the team.  That's right- screw it. Can we stop kidding ourselves that there is a thing called a Brown? Go for the Rockers, put a clenched fist on the helmet...or just design the helmet to look like a rock. Please, GOD, put something on the helmet.  Commit to something.  Anything.  Paul Brown's HAT.  Cleveland Rockers.

Uniform:  minimize the orange, wear white pants, DARK DARK brown jerseys. STOP trying to lighten the brown. Whoa that light brown and bright orange is embarrassing for a Division 3 school- and at least they'd have something on their helmet.  

But, who are we to question excellence in ineptitude?  

Browns were 0-6 this time last year, and they're 0-6 now. The Pumpkin Heads have every chance at going 0-16, and all that money raised last year for the Perfect Season Parade- they should have just put it into a savings account, and waited.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

49ers 24, WASHINGTON 26

0-6 and leading the league in penalties and dropped passes, and second in missed tackles, the Whiners lose again by the second closest of margins, staging yet another Futile Comeback. Hands of stone, brains of oatmeal, and reaction times of a three-toed sloth, the Forty-Whiners stand atop the NFC standings, in the clear air, sailing free of the clutter of focus, discipline, and execution...though that might be a word with different meaning down south in Santa Clara this morning.  Backup rookie QB C.J. Beathard made his debut for the 49ers yesterday, and he's trouble. They may win a game with him around.  He, at least, looks like a QB from the 70's- nice 'stache.  

GIANTS 23, BRONCOS 10

Okay!  The Giants won a game! Celebrate Giants fans!  Who knows when these times will come again. Except 3 weeks from now in Santa Clara where the Whiners are gonna hand you victory #2.

JAGUARS 17, RAMS 27

We may have Bro-Cha-Cho'd the Jags, but they still can't win two in a row, so hold the confetti. The RAMS, however, are not the Lambs anymore. Just get to 8 victories, you bums, and you'll be in the promised land of Parity Parity Parity!  The thrill of being average!

CARDINALS 38, BUCS 33

Staked to a huge lead, 31-6, the Cruds pulled out all the stops and nearly lost the game, which would have been an all-time kablooey, but it was not to be. 3-3 and just mediocre.

Bucs fall to 2-3, and hey!  We know these guys!  

RAVENS 24, BEARS 27

daBares got a pick-six, and punt return for a TD, and running back Tarick Cohen threw a TD pass off a pitch-out. They need all the help they can get...and they're getting it. The Ravens just flat-out outplayed the Bears.  Ravens could lose 10.

DOLPHINS 20, FALCONS 17

Coming into this game, the Dolphins had scored 3 touchdowns. With yesterday's explosion of two TD's, this should cause complete exhaustion going into next week's gritty battle with the Jets. The Fins are averaging 12 points a game, yet have 3 wins. The Jets and Fins should be Doormats, but at 3-3 and 3-2, I shouldn't even be writing about these guys. So confusing.

RRRRAIDERS 16, CHARGERS 17

The Raydurz, oh my, are BACK.  2-4, and starting to look like one of those Jack Del Rio Jaguar teams where just about everybody knows what play they are going to call. The Chargers may lead the league in missed tackles, but the Raiders fixed that problem,by A, not blocking, and B, out-bumbling the Chagrins, and not covering running backs on pass plays. Look, you can't do everything. Pick your battles. 

Charred QB Philip Rivers avoids playing catch with the wrong team, which is easy to do against a team that does NOT have an interception yet this season, and they win their second in a row.  Sure it was the Giants and Raiders.  But if you can't to lose to these guys, you aren't winning the Moldy Carpet.  Raiders get to turn around and play the CHIEFS this Thursday night. Look Out.  2-5 looms. 

Lots of Parity Division going on, makes for an exciting schedule, and by week 8, we should have the crumble factor in full swing.

Monday Results

COLTS 22, TITANS 36

Colts build mirage lead, finally cave because they lead the league in points given up!  195 big ones, baby, and next week they will clear 200 no problem.  The Colts also have a point differential of -76, with only the Browns (-63) anywhere close to them.  

Huge implications in this one.  We have a big fat 2-4 logjam for 2nd place in the AFC  

aaaAAAAAAND TTHAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

WEEK 13 REPORT and COLD HARD FACTS OF FANTASY

Niners Take Control of NFC

Browns Don't Lose

Jaguars Must be Taken Seriously

That's Not My Hedgehog

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 13

AFC
Cleveland -     0-12
Jacksonville -  2-10
NY Jets -         3-8
Cincinnati -     4-7-1
San Diego -    5-7
Indianapolis-   5-6
NFC
San Francisco - 1-11
Chicago -          3-9
Los Angeles -   4-8
Carolina -         4-8
Philly-               5-7
New Orleans    5-7

Game of the Week

WHINERS 6, BEARS 26
If you want to be the king of the Basement in the NFC, and you've got a game coming up at Chicago's Soldier Field Snow Park, by all means spend the week before in Orlando, Florida. Chip Kelly is a genius. Amassing 6 net yards in passing for the WHOLE GAME, the San Francisco 49ers 
put a slushball down their pants and got more penalties (11) than first downs (10). 147 total yards of offense minus 106 yards of penalties comes out to...control of the NFC Basement!!  

The 6 yards of passing coincided brilliantly with Colin Kaepernick's announcement that he will opt out of his contract at the end of the season. Perfect. 

But let's share one stellar moment, a true great in Doormat history: Punting from their own end zone, the Bears arrange a blocked punt, which is caught in the air just 10 yards from the end zone by the 49ers and run back for an apparent touchdown. Even though the DB had run out of bounds at the 4 and everybody in the stadium knew it wasn't a touchdown, at least two 49ers got down in the slush and made snow angels until they drew a 'celebration' penalty. The Whines then ended up out at the 19 yard line, which was really far hey no fair, and settled for a field goal. You really couldn't have drawn up a better knucklehead play if you tried. Or, maybe they did.

The Bears, now, matched up really well for almost the entire first half, even trailing the Whines 6-0 at one point, fumbling the ball away on a punt and a kickoff in the midst of a driving wet snow storm to get those points for the Whiners. It was shaping up to be a gloriously horrrible game. 

But it was their bad luck to have the ball at the 2:00 warning before the half, and out of some kind of duty to protocol, they tried a forward pass (there were no completions in the first quarter by either team, first time since 1988).  OOPS!  3rd-string QB Matt (wow, I'm IN the GAME) Barkley discovered he had no problem completing passes, which, I'm sure had nothing to do with the 49ers Ole' defensive backfield. They skied down the field and scored. Then they couldn't stop it.

Ultimately, the most anticipated game of the Doormat season was no contest. This game was lost in Orlando, and the Bears just had no chance.  Bears now 3-9 and clinging to slim hopes. Niners 1-11 and the Jets coming up at home next week. Another tough challenge?  I dunno, these guys prepare.

BROWNS 0, NOBODY 0
The only way the Browns don't lose is if they don't play. Next week: The Battle for OhiO, 
Bengals-Browns.

JAGAURS 10, BRONCOS 20
Ja-gyu-ars.  Ja-geeyuu-ars. Let's start pronouncing it like the British motor company insists. After all, they PLAY in London every year. Pretty soon, we'll just change the name to the London Pubcrawlers. Jags are 2-10 and keeping the Browns in sight. Gags QB Blake Bortles, with yesterday's fluttering pick-six, has 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games.  He's got 11 in 3-years (his entire career). Bortles also tossed in a critical fumble near the end, when they were in danger of tying the game.

Just...wow, man.

PANTHERS 7, SEAHAWKS 40
Seahawks run into the Carolina Buzz-Saw, getting 534 yards of offense stuffed into their stat sheet, and any hope of another desultory, blindingly boring game was snuffed out like so many sad campfires in a dank Washington KOA. P.S. We're sending Cam Newton one of our Doormat Ties.  You can smell them when they are still in the box.  

DOLPHINS 6, RAVEN-POES 38
Well, after this bomb-out, maybe the Dolpins can run the table and still get a losing season out of this.  7-9 is still possible! Floppers QB Ryan Tannehill brings home the tuna with 3 interceptions and frightening inaccuracy.

LAMBS 10, PATRIOTS 26
The Lambs are the only team that gets their Doormat nickname in the headline. That's how much we trust them. 7 first downs, 8 punts, 2 interceptions and 400 yards of free offense for New England. Somehow, the Niners were worse than them, but the last game of the season will settle that score.

LIONS 28, SAINTS 13
Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!!!  The worst the Lions can finish is 8-8. They are leading the NFC North.  They are the best team at converting in the red zone this season.  WTF??  Hoorah for the Lions and the city of Detroit.  We stand up upon our crusted pizza boxes, and raise a stale Rainier Ale toast to the bums from Motown.  Saints still hanging around our grill out on the patio, wanting in.

BUCS 28, CHARGERS 21
Living up to it's billing this was the wildest game of the week (tied with Chiefs -Falcons),  the BUCS end the day (thank you Chiefs) tied for first place in the NFC South. It could all fall apart in the next 4 weeks, but kudos to our exiting Doormat. 

TONIGHT:  JETS-COLTS.  Jets should get this one, but the Colts are completely unreliable.


aaaaAAAAAaaand That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

WEEK 9 EJECTION OF FORMER DOORMATS INTO...FIRST PLACE?!?

ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!!!

RRRRRAIDERS 30, BRONCOS 20
We waited as long as we could.  You don't really climb out of the basement until you have guaranteed that you can't lose more than 7 games.  But this has to happen now:  CONGRATULATIONS,  OAKLAND RAIDERS, you aren't a Doormat anymore.  The team with the worst record for about the last 15 years has catapulted themselves into first place (WHAT??) in the AFC West, with a gaudy 7-2 record, and did it with a pretty complete manhandling on the offensive and defensive line.  The monstrous front line of the Oakland offense (6 down linemen on most plays), just pushed the Broncos all over the field, ran the ball through holes large and small like it was just fun to do, and gave Derek Carr plenty of time to throw the ball.

The 31st ranked Oakland D, which still somehow manages to keep the Raiders in every game, was stellar, completely shutting down the Broncos offense.  WTF, a complete game from a perennial doormat.

You never can be sure about teams that have been bad for so long...the wheels just might come off and kablooie, 7-2 turns into 7-9.  Not with these guys. Wheels not coming off. Not with those spiffy rims.

Denver did the Doormat numbers last night- no first downs for the first 5 possessions, 4 straight 3-and-outs to open the game, and the first team to get under 20:00 of possession time this year, with a stunningly measly 18:43 of ineffective offense (except for two huge plays).

The Raiders even got out-penalized,  12 to 8.  Last week they set a new NFL record with 23 for 200 yards, so wow.

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 8

AFC

Cleveland -    0-9
Jacksonville - 2-6
NY Jets -       3-6
Cincinnati -   3-4-1
San Diego -   4-5
Indianapolis -4-5
Tennessee-    4-5

NFC

San Francisco - 1-7
Chicago - 2-6
Carolina - 3-5
Arizona - 3-4-1
Tampa Bay - 3-5
Los Angeles - 3-5

 THE GAMES

BROWNS 10, COWBOYS 35
Well, this one was a no-doubter from the first ominous chip-shot field goal for the Brown-outs.  Following that up with 21 unanswered points by the Cowboys- though we often count missed field goals and punts as "answers" around here- the Blanks had no problem- like having to blow a 20 point lead- this week.   0-9 and just try and stop them.

WHINERS 23, SAINTS 41
Looking slightly sharper in the first half this week, the Whines kept up with the Saints until the intermission, after which they did their usual implosion serenade, wrapping 3 fumbles and two punts around a measly field goal, while 49er flagmen in gold hard hats directed the Saints to the end zone a couple times.  1-7 and a steamroller, baby.  However, Kaepernick is uncorking some bombs and look for the 49ers to have trouble losing to the Bears (12/4) or the Jets (12/11).  They have a lot of work to do to stay with the Browns.

JESTS 23,  DOLPHINS 27
It was anybody's game to lose, and the Jests stepped up and claimed it. Taking the lead late in the 4th quarter (23-20) on a bungled punt by the Dolphins, the Nyets kick off and pin the Flops at the 5 yard-line..but NO!  There was an offside, and this time the Jest-setters get it right- a 95 yard kickoff return for a TD and Bob's Your Uncle, they nail down another loss.  Very creative losing.

Another game in the new brand of doormat play- entertaining, lots of lead changes, whoa.  Dolphins pull into Parity Division with 4-4 record.

GAGUARS 14,  CHIEFS 19
The Chiefs, always boring, but never exciting, win by 5 points, and it feels like 30.  The Jags can out-mediocre anybody.  Just set that bar a little lower...lower.

BOOTINEERS 28, FALCONS 43
It was 40-14 at one point, OK?  Falcons coasted home with this one, as that Bucs defense...wait, did they use a defense yesterday? As Tim Gunn says on Project Runway,  they "used it carefully and wisely."  Bucs 3-5 and up against it next week against the Bears.  Huge game. Pack extra Twinkies.

RAMS 10, PANTHERS 13
Remember when the Rams were 3-1 and leading the NFC West?  I don't either.  Walkfish accurately predicted this stiff to be the STIFF OF THE WEEK, though one always has to wait for the Seahawks to play before calling that one.  3-5 now, both of them.  Panthers have won 3 straight.  I think they're headed for relevance, considering what a Pile of Parity the NFL is this year.  8-8 is gonna get you in the playoffs.

The Titanics nailed down another loss, avoiding a winning record (whew), and the Colts actually WON a game against the confused identity of the Green Bay Packers.

TONIGHT:  SEAHAGS vs. BILLS.   Somehow the Hags are 4-2-1, even though they can't score, but the Bills are at 4-4 and can almost get back in the basement with a loss tonight.  Go Nils!!

aaaAAAAAND That's the View foaming from the Basement!!!!

Niners Obliterate Cardinals in Spectacular Loss

SAN FRANCISCO 21, ARIZONA 33

In a classic Thursday Night Doormat battle between two 1-3 NFC Worst teams, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners out-terribled the Arizona Crudinals in a display of dysfunction that may be nearing perfection.  It was stunning.

Unfortunately, in the Basement, when teams achieve this perfection, they do insane things like change quarterbacks.  Hence, today's picture.

BUT, last night, the Niners started out with the black unis, hoping, perhaps, that no one would see or recognize them, and snagged the loss and now have a 1-4 record that looks like 2-14 to us. In between, it was first a hail of punts, hilariously overthrown- and I mean comic- balls right down the middle over the helpless wide open receiver who had nothing between themselves and paydirt, dink 3rd down passes that have no chance, then taunting penalties (after a measly first down), dropped wide open passes, 7 sacks, 3 turnovers, and just wow.  And I mean WOW, Doormat fans.  

The Crudinals, who are not so bad at this Doormat style themselves, sporting back-up QB Drew Stanton, held their own in the first quarter, punting with a vengeance (9 for the game), and even giving the Niners the first touchdown.  Sort of 'spotting' it, you might say.  But then, a quick interception from 49er QB Plain Gabbert, and a 1 play drive got the Cards their first TD.  

After that, it was just a matter of time. The Cards couldn't keep up with the team that never has gains over 20 yards (last in the league), runs an offense that looks strangely like some college ball scheme designed to take advantage of out-of-shape and not well coached kids (instead of teams of professionals), and has a crowd so sparse (Oakland A's sparse...Tampa Bay Devil Rays sparse) that the boo birds can't even get a wail up above the level of  "plaintive bleating."  Pour me another bowl of Cheese Balls, guys, it's ART.  It's soap opera, at least.

Now, when you really want to win the Moldy Carpet, it's all about how you come out in the second half- and what can you say to muffing the 2nd half kickoff, stopping the Cards at the 15 but then run into the kicker on the 4th down FG attempt, give the Cruds a first down, and then give up the touchdown on the next play?  Pack up the tuna sandwiches, honey, it's time to go home.  Oh, wait, that's an empty seat I'm talking to.  

It was all perfect. Now, the Whiners really don't have much in the way of options, so that's the plus in the Moldy Carpet drive. They have no stars, except one with a big afro on the bench, can't really execute the offense, and the defense, though clearly not buying into the Doormat philosophy completely, still gave up 33 points on a night when they were playing hard.

p.s.  We were baffled by the announcers giving Gabbert a vote of confidence (he's only lost everywhere he goes, and it's not the system, OK? Just WATCH) and a kind of school-marm admonishment to the critics, while also putting forward the usual baloney about why Kaepernick is not the right choice. It sounded like paid announcements, and, worse, a veiled cover for dislike that has been hurled Kaepernick's direction since he started taking a knee. Jesus Mary Joseph the WHOLE TEAM is taking a knee in the department of competitiveness, and if they want to have any chance of winning a game, they need to put that guy out there.  He can at least throw an accurate ball down the middle. 

aaaaAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

2-5 Niners in the Driver's Seat

NINERS  3,  SEAHAWKS  20

The San Francisco Forty-Niners,  only two years removed from playing in the NFC Championship game, have done a remarkable turnaround:  Moved the team 50 miles from their supposed home town and alienated more than half their fan base in the process, jacked up ticket prices to the sky,  fired/let walk/couldn't keep the best coach they've had since George Seifert, seen a mass exodus of quality players from the roster, hired a coach who doesn't just look like the guy who sells me salamis at the deli in North Beach, but may in fact BE that guy, have absolutely NO offensive line of any kind, and are still owned by the biggest bonehead west of the Mississippi.

This wasn't even close.  The Hags had NO chance to lose this game.  Whiners QB Colin Kaepernick has now nailed down a 1-6 record against their biggest rival.  What kind of a rivalry is that, if you always lose?  The Doormat kind  (see Browns-Steelers).  If you can't beat your division rival, you need to re-think the guy you have running the offense.  But not the Whiners-  they're on a mission.  They're going straight to the bottom.

3 points
9 punts (one short of the NFL season high)
7 three-and-outs
8 first downs
142 total yards
6 sacks

That's some of the most efficient, and impregnable, Doormat play seen this year.  FLAME ON.

-Wacko