WEEK 13 REPORT and COLD HARD FACTS OF FANTASY

Niners Take Control of NFC

Browns Don't Lose

Jaguars Must be Taken Seriously

That's Not My Hedgehog

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 13

AFC
Cleveland -     0-12
Jacksonville -  2-10
NY Jets -         3-8
Cincinnati -     4-7-1
San Diego -    5-7
Indianapolis-   5-6
NFC
San Francisco - 1-11
Chicago -          3-9
Los Angeles -   4-8
Carolina -         4-8
Philly-               5-7
New Orleans    5-7

Game of the Week

WHINERS 6, BEARS 26
If you want to be the king of the Basement in the NFC, and you've got a game coming up at Chicago's Soldier Field Snow Park, by all means spend the week before in Orlando, Florida. Chip Kelly is a genius. Amassing 6 net yards in passing for the WHOLE GAME, the San Francisco 49ers 
put a slushball down their pants and got more penalties (11) than first downs (10). 147 total yards of offense minus 106 yards of penalties comes out to...control of the NFC Basement!!  

The 6 yards of passing coincided brilliantly with Colin Kaepernick's announcement that he will opt out of his contract at the end of the season. Perfect. 

But let's share one stellar moment, a true great in Doormat history: Punting from their own end zone, the Bears arrange a blocked punt, which is caught in the air just 10 yards from the end zone by the 49ers and run back for an apparent touchdown. Even though the DB had run out of bounds at the 4 and everybody in the stadium knew it wasn't a touchdown, at least two 49ers got down in the slush and made snow angels until they drew a 'celebration' penalty. The Whines then ended up out at the 19 yard line, which was really far hey no fair, and settled for a field goal. You really couldn't have drawn up a better knucklehead play if you tried. Or, maybe they did.

The Bears, now, matched up really well for almost the entire first half, even trailing the Whines 6-0 at one point, fumbling the ball away on a punt and a kickoff in the midst of a driving wet snow storm to get those points for the Whiners. It was shaping up to be a gloriously horrrible game. 

But it was their bad luck to have the ball at the 2:00 warning before the half, and out of some kind of duty to protocol, they tried a forward pass (there were no completions in the first quarter by either team, first time since 1988).  OOPS!  3rd-string QB Matt (wow, I'm IN the GAME) Barkley discovered he had no problem completing passes, which, I'm sure had nothing to do with the 49ers Ole' defensive backfield. They skied down the field and scored. Then they couldn't stop it.

Ultimately, the most anticipated game of the Doormat season was no contest. This game was lost in Orlando, and the Bears just had no chance.  Bears now 3-9 and clinging to slim hopes. Niners 1-11 and the Jets coming up at home next week. Another tough challenge?  I dunno, these guys prepare.

BROWNS 0, NOBODY 0
The only way the Browns don't lose is if they don't play. Next week: The Battle for OhiO, 
Bengals-Browns.

JAGAURS 10, BRONCOS 20
Ja-gyu-ars.  Ja-geeyuu-ars. Let's start pronouncing it like the British motor company insists. After all, they PLAY in London every year. Pretty soon, we'll just change the name to the London Pubcrawlers. Jags are 2-10 and keeping the Browns in sight. Gags QB Blake Bortles, with yesterday's fluttering pick-six, has 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games.  He's got 11 in 3-years (his entire career). Bortles also tossed in a critical fumble near the end, when they were in danger of tying the game.

Just...wow, man.

PANTHERS 7, SEAHAWKS 40
Seahawks run into the Carolina Buzz-Saw, getting 534 yards of offense stuffed into their stat sheet, and any hope of another desultory, blindingly boring game was snuffed out like so many sad campfires in a dank Washington KOA. P.S. We're sending Cam Newton one of our Doormat Ties.  You can smell them when they are still in the box.  

DOLPHINS 6, RAVEN-POES 38
Well, after this bomb-out, maybe the Dolpins can run the table and still get a losing season out of this.  7-9 is still possible! Floppers QB Ryan Tannehill brings home the tuna with 3 interceptions and frightening inaccuracy.

LAMBS 10, PATRIOTS 26
The Lambs are the only team that gets their Doormat nickname in the headline. That's how much we trust them. 7 first downs, 8 punts, 2 interceptions and 400 yards of free offense for New England. Somehow, the Niners were worse than them, but the last game of the season will settle that score.

LIONS 28, SAINTS 13
Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!!!  The worst the Lions can finish is 8-8. They are leading the NFC North.  They are the best team at converting in the red zone this season.  WTF??  Hoorah for the Lions and the city of Detroit.  We stand up upon our crusted pizza boxes, and raise a stale Rainier Ale toast to the bums from Motown.  Saints still hanging around our grill out on the patio, wanting in.

BUCS 28, CHARGERS 21
Living up to it's billing this was the wildest game of the week (tied with Chiefs -Falcons),  the BUCS end the day (thank you Chiefs) tied for first place in the NFC South. It could all fall apart in the next 4 weeks, but kudos to our exiting Doormat. 

TONIGHT:  JETS-COLTS.  Jets should get this one, but the Colts are completely unreliable.


aaaaAAAAAaaand That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

Doormat Division: NFL Week Five Wrap-Up and Disposal

Doormat Division:  Week 5 

 Know What You’re Made Of

There’s no getting around it-  Week 5 in the NFL identifies who is going up and who is going down, and who’s Beefalo is cooked.  And to make room for that happy meal, I’ve cleared off the coffee table (ok it’s a palette we stole out of the Safeway dumpster) here in the Basement for the most chewed up team in sports, the Buffalo Nils!

THE STANDINGS

AFC

Cleveland Browns   0-5

Jacksonville Jags     1-4

Tennessee Titans     1-4

Kansas City Chiefs  1-4

Oakland Raiders      1-3

NFC

New Orleans Aints    1-4

Carolina Panthers      1-4

Detroit Lions             1-3

Tampa Bay Bucs       1-3

Washinton Redskins  2-3

 Stick a Fork in ‘em- They’re Done!

BLOW-OUT OF THE WEEK

49ers  45,  Bills  3

In the last 2 games, the Buffalo Nils have given up 97 points,  1201 yards,  two +300 yard passing games, three 100-yard games to running backs and four 100-yard games to receivers.  Alex Smith chalked up a 156.2 passer rating, 2.1 shy of a perfect game.  The Nils defense is so porous, they’re going to start marketing a commemorative sponge.   It was the first time EVER that an offense in the NFL went over 300 yards passing and 300 yards rushing.  EVER.  That means since the beginning of time.  Think of the vast expanses of space, expanding outward, in search of a linebacker.  

But things are looking up for the Nils here in the Basement.  Instead of their usual 400 useless yards of offense, they hunkered down and crossed the finish line with 10 first downs and a Doormat acceptable 204 yards.   Harvard beard Ryan Fitzpatrick chalked up only one interception (I thought he’d get a pick-6 for sure) to stay in 3^rd for the Interception King race.

They may be only 2-3, but with their two ‘wins’ being against KC and Cleveland, maybe it’s time to fold the tent and follow the herd.  The Nils continue their  NFC West Annihilation Tour next week in Arizona.

Stiff of the Week

CHEERING IN KC!!

RAVENS 9, CHIEFS 6

How fed up are the nice people in the Midwestern village of Kansas City?  They serenaded Matt Cassell with cheers as he was carted off the field- not because they were glad he was OK, but because he was out of the game, and Doormat All-Star Brady Quinn could come in and…nail down the loss. 

Not since 1980 when Dan Pastorini broke his leg for the 2-2 Oakland Raiders has a crowd been happier to see a QB get the hell off the field.  The difference is the Raiders had supposedly washed-up Jim Plunkett, everybody’s favorite football playing Native American (sorry Jim Thorpe), pacing the sideline, itchin’ to start throwing deep into triple coverage that always came up gold.  The rest is history- the Raiders stampeded through the schedule and won the Super Bowl.  

So, same for KC, right?  Uh, NO.  Sam Cassell came up with 4 turnovers yesterday (2x2), grabbed a tie for the INT King lead (9) and…you know, this game was on the tube.  It was truly funny to watch the Cheaps bungle one red zone opportunity after another.  First and goal at the 7 turned into first and goal at the 20. This is prime Doormat hard reverse football.   This is the only team in the league (well, maybe the Jags, too) that can be behind 9-3 and it looks like 41-0.  You’re just SURE they won’t take advantage of any opportunity.  And they don’t.

I don’t like to see a guy get cheered for getting hurt- OK, yes I was one of those people screaming for Pastorini’s head back in the day- but everybody already knew Plunkett was hot, as he’d been phenomenal in the preseason.  Brady Quinn is not the answer, folks.  Well, yes he is- for a chance to win the Moldy Carpet- but he’s got some big shoes to fill in KC.

Chiefs 1-4 and sinking fast in the AFC West.  Next up, Doormat challenges Tampa Bay and the Raydurz.   By the way, Pastorini took the Oilers to the 1979 AFC Championship game, once had Farah Fawcett call HIM up and ask him out, and he took up drag racing after exiting football.  Also on his resume is a long, protracted legal battle with ex-Raiders owner Al Davis- which makes him a true Raider. 

UPSET OF THE WEEK

COLTS 30,  MEATPACKERS 27

I called this one, and I wasn’t even thinking about fallen coach Chuck Pagano, sick in the hospital with leukemia.   The Colts have one of the most competitive guys in the world, Andrew Luck, and an accurate arm to go with it, and the Packers have a lousy defense.

A really spirited game from a team that won the Moldy Carpet last year, and we love to celebrate when one of our doormats rise up and clock the big guys.  Spike that spheroid, Andrew!!

 The Colts may still have a circus in the defensive backfield, but it was no match for the Packer’s.  Colts pull to 2-2 and are out on the patio here in the Basement, saying goodbye, making room for the green and yellow dudes getting off the bus.  Let’s see if they actually leave.   

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

BEARS 41 JAGUARS 3

Yep, the Jags just keep on losing.  They aren’t getting the headlines, even after getting blown out at home, but they are on the job.  Forcing just one punt, the Jags have trouble finding the field and another day of professional losing is in the books.  Bears get 501 yards, Jags 189.  One more game before coaches start getting fired around the league.   However, Mike Mularkey is in his first season with the Gaguars, so, the drive to the Moldy Carpet will continue all year long.   The Jags lead the Doormat with 3 sacks, and they have a good reason for not blitzing- they get burned every time.   Yesterday the only time Jay Cutler gained more than 10 yards on a pass was when the Gags blitzed, and twice he racked up TD passes. 

The Gags have had their miracle win this year (the Colts game).   We have to put up with them on the barcalounger during the bye-week, but then the Raiders will be putting out the red carpet for them in Week 7, so the Gags will have their mettle tested if they want the Moldy Carpet to come home to Jacksonville.

SEAHAWKS 16, PANTHERS 12

Cam Newton dispenses with excitement and racks up 108 yards of passing.

The entire NFC West has a winning record.  Good grief.

DOLPHINS 17, BENGALS 13

Miami offensive line keeps the Bungles off QB Ryan Tannehill’s back, and he responds with zero interceptions and the win in Cincinnati.  Is that Bunglonian Fog I see?

VIKINGS 30,  TITANS 7

The Titanics do it all, bone-head penalties, turnovers, anemic running game, and an antique at QB.  Done and Done.  1-4 in the Doormat and a solid challenger.

AINTS 31,  CHARGERS 24

Yours truly called this one, too- the Saints finally put one in the win column, with Philip Rivers gift-wrapping two turnovers in the 4^th quarter to nail down the loss.

GIANTS 41, BROWNS 27

Our AFC leader, the Brownies (0-5) come out of the gate looking like a real NFL team, and then get all tired and stuff and the Giants whirl past them in a blaze of points.  Brownies: 3 turnovers, 10 penalties, 3-10 on 3^rd down, and QB Brandon Weeden in 1^st place tie with 9 interceptions.

WEEK 5 WORST NFL STATS!

There’s one more game to play tonight, and the Jets just about swept the stats last week, so these are temporary:

POINTS:  3            Cardinals,  Bills

Yards allowed:  621   Bills

Off. Yards: 189    Jaguars

Passing:  108          Panthers

Rushing: 53           Saints

Turnovers:  4         Chiefs

Fumbles lost:  3     Broncos

INT:  2                  Chiefs, Bengals, Browns, Vikings, Jags, Seahawks,

Sacked:   9-52        Cardinals

Punts:  7                 Cards, Rams, Packers, Panthers

3^rd down conv. :  1-9   Redskins

Penalties:  10-99            Saints  (Steelers, 9-106)

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!!