Niners Take Control of NFC
Browns Don't Lose
Jaguars Must be Taken Seriously
That's Not My Hedgehog
DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 13
AFC
Cleveland - 0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets - 3-8
Cincinnati - 4-7-1
San Diego - 5-7
Indianapolis- 5-6
NFC
San Francisco - 1-11
Chicago - 3-9
Los Angeles - 4-8
Carolina - 4-8
Philly- 5-7
New Orleans 5-7
Game of the Week
WHINERS 6, BEARS 26
If you want to be the king of the Basement in the NFC, and you've got a game coming up at Chicago's Soldier Field Snow Park, by all means spend the week before in Orlando, Florida. Chip Kelly is a genius. Amassing 6 net yards in passing for the WHOLE GAME, the San Francisco 49ers
put a slushball down their pants and got more penalties (11) than first downs (10). 147 total yards of offense minus 106 yards of penalties comes out to...control of the NFC Basement!!
The 6 yards of passing coincided brilliantly with Colin Kaepernick's announcement that he will opt out of his contract at the end of the season. Perfect.
But let's share one stellar moment, a true great in Doormat history: Punting from their own end zone, the Bears arrange a blocked punt, which is caught in the air just 10 yards from the end zone by the 49ers and run back for an apparent touchdown. Even though the DB had run out of bounds at the 4 and everybody in the stadium knew it wasn't a touchdown, at least two 49ers got down in the slush and made snow angels until they drew a 'celebration' penalty. The Whines then ended up out at the 19 yard line, which was really far hey no fair, and settled for a field goal. You really couldn't have drawn up a better knucklehead play if you tried. Or, maybe they did.
The Bears, now, matched up really well for almost the entire first half, even trailing the Whines 6-0 at one point, fumbling the ball away on a punt and a kickoff in the midst of a driving wet snow storm to get those points for the Whiners. It was shaping up to be a gloriously horrrible game.
But it was their bad luck to have the ball at the 2:00 warning before the half, and out of some kind of duty to protocol, they tried a forward pass (there were no completions in the first quarter by either team, first time since 1988). OOPS! 3rd-string QB Matt (wow, I'm IN the GAME) Barkley discovered he had no problem completing passes, which, I'm sure had nothing to do with the 49ers Ole' defensive backfield. They skied down the field and scored. Then they couldn't stop it.
Ultimately, the most anticipated game of the Doormat season was no contest. This game was lost in Orlando, and the Bears just had no chance. Bears now 3-9 and clinging to slim hopes. Niners 1-11 and the Jets coming up at home next week. Another tough challenge? I dunno, these guys prepare.
BROWNS 0, NOBODY 0
The only way the Browns don't lose is if they don't play. Next week: The Battle for OhiO,
Bengals-Browns.
JAGAURS 10, BRONCOS 20
Ja-gyu-ars. Ja-geeyuu-ars. Let's start pronouncing it like the British motor company insists. After all, they PLAY in London every year. Pretty soon, we'll just change the name to the London Pubcrawlers. Jags are 2-10 and keeping the Browns in sight. Gags QB Blake Bortles, with yesterday's fluttering pick-six, has 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games. He's got 11 in 3-years (his entire career). Bortles also tossed in a critical fumble near the end, when they were in danger of tying the game.
Just...wow, man.
PANTHERS 7, SEAHAWKS 40
Seahawks run into the Carolina Buzz-Saw, getting 534 yards of offense stuffed into their stat sheet, and any hope of another desultory, blindingly boring game was snuffed out like so many sad campfires in a dank Washington KOA. P.S. We're sending Cam Newton one of our Doormat Ties. You can smell them when they are still in the box.
DOLPHINS 6, RAVEN-POES 38
Well, after this bomb-out, maybe the Dolpins can run the table and still get a losing season out of this. 7-9 is still possible! Floppers QB Ryan Tannehill brings home the tuna with 3 interceptions and frightening inaccuracy.
LAMBS 10, PATRIOTS 26
The Lambs are the only team that gets their Doormat nickname in the headline. That's how much we trust them. 7 first downs, 8 punts, 2 interceptions and 400 yards of free offense for New England. Somehow, the Niners were worse than them, but the last game of the season will settle that score.
LIONS 28, SAINTS 13
Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!!! The worst the Lions can finish is 8-8. They are leading the NFC North. They are the best team at converting in the red zone this season. WTF?? Hoorah for the Lions and the city of Detroit. We stand up upon our crusted pizza boxes, and raise a stale Rainier Ale toast to the bums from Motown. Saints still hanging around our grill out on the patio, wanting in.
BUCS 28, CHARGERS 21
Living up to it's billing this was the wildest game of the week (tied with Chiefs -Falcons), the BUCS end the day (thank you Chiefs) tied for first place in the NFC South. It could all fall apart in the next 4 weeks, but kudos to our exiting Doormat.
TONIGHT: JETS-COLTS. Jets should get this one, but the Colts are completely unreliable.
aaaaAAAAAaaand That's the View From the Basement!!!!!
Even though it was a blowout, that 49er/Bears game was classic doormat. One of the most enjoyable disasters I have ever witnessed. In the first half SF was -14 yards passing. Good grief. The Brownies are journeyman bad. Week in, week out, turn in a bad performance and get the "L." But the 9ers, they are truly inspired! Training in Florida for a snow bowl? That had to be on purpose. Chip says he is not interested in going back to Duck World. Where else will he go? Pop Warner?
ReplyDeleteHe could win in Pop Warner...
ReplyDeletethe Chronicle this morning noted that the Whines put up LESS than 6 yards passing once, but didn't divulge the date. I think I'll email the guy. that's a stat not to be ignored.
ReplyDeleteWhen, 1948?
DeleteI'll get to emailing him tonight. I really want to know.
DeleteI am laughing right now. 6 yrs passing? thats normally 1 play. I wonder what Mr. York told those guys in orlando? lets all go to Disney World and skip practice? hey what a great idea! And how about the legendary half time adjustments! they started em early, 2 minutes (game time minutes) earlier!!. brilliant. and of course the snow just may have disguised their whole game plan on how to give the same away a bit, but kudos for the whiners, the bares don’t know what hit them.
ReplyDelete"The Bares don't know what hit them," Oh how I love the POV here in the Doormat Division!
DeleteSeahawks are probably still trying to recover from that amazing performance by the Pansies.
ReplyDeleteI think I've BEEN to that KOA campground!
ReplyDeleteBortles has got to be the greatest doormat QB in this century. is that correct: 11 pic-6 in 3 years? if I could be so lucky at lotto/mega bucks, you know you’d get some of it....
ReplyDeleteit has to be the record. He looked like a developing QB last year. They went 5-11, but they were in almost every game, many of them high scoring, with Bortles piling up some stats. This year they have also been in a lot of close games, which is why we thought they would win a few more of those this year. The O-line has had some injuries, and Bortles has not gotten any better with his risky throws.
DeleteOf course: Brett Favre, our fearless leader in interceptions with 331, also has the Pick-Six record with, 31. Dig that symmetry. Peyton Manning holds the record for most in a season with 6 (Tied with the immortal Rudy Bukich).
DeleteFrom Wikipedia:
Most pick 6s, quarter: 3, Ed Baker, Dec 17, 1972; Paul Christman Nov 5, 1950
Most pick 6s, game: 3, many times, most recently: Eli Manning, Nov 25, 2007
Most pick 6s, season: 6, Peyton Manning, 2001; Rudy Bukich, 1966
Most consecutive games with pick 6: 4, Matt Schaub, 2013[338]
Most pick 6s, career: 31, Brett Favre, 1991–2010
That Matt Schaub stat helped end his career as a starter. I remember he was the 49ers 3rd string backup last year and he came in in some blowout and immediately threw a pick-six. Nice to see someone have a specialty.
What I can't find is frequency of pick-sixes: how often it happens. 11 in three seasons by Bortles. Favre had 19 seasons to get 31. Bortles would have 33 in 9 season if he keeps this up (and stays in the league).
Finally, we like to think of Joe Namath as one of the greats (and he sure is famous for that one season), but he also is tied with George Blanda for most games with 5 or more interceptions- 8. Blanda has 18 with 4+ INTs.
Whoops Favre has 336 ints all-time.
DeleteEd Baker's most pick-sixes (3) in a quarter was his only start for the Houston Oilers in 1972. He completed 4-10, with four interceptions. He was a Doormat machine. The Oilers won the Moldy Carpet that year, going 1-13.
DeleteHere is the wikipedia link for a lot of interception stat fun:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_National_Football_League_records_(individual)#Interceptions_thrown
Sorry I keep having to correct myself: Schaub was the backup for the Raiders in 2014 when he came in and immediately threw a pick-six. I knew that! He is STILL in the league, lurking on the sidelines for the Atlanta Falcons. Hard to believe he made the Pro Bowl twice for the Texans. He is part architect of the 'never believe the Texans can win it all' perspective.
Delete